Even the iron bar has to melt sometime
This was going to be a reply to someone else, but I said "What she said" because too many words were attacking at once. Struck a big ol' nerve.
For way too long-years-I hated my inner strength that I know now is as much a part of me as my eye colour. I hated it because I wanted to be like the other girls, who could "butter up" a guy, flatter him, and make him feel like the strong one. I hated that with a passion, but guess who got all the attention? You got it. My mother would tell me that guys didn't like women who were too strong, too independent, and especially smarter than they were. I was at least 2 of the 3 ;). If guys were supposed to be "strong" inside, then I was a guy in a woman's body. That's how I felt, and sometimes still feel, though I am not trans. For a very long time, I've felt like two people inside-a woman who loves to feel like one, and a man who wants a woman to feel like one. But I'm digressing into gender areas, and butch-femme issues. Sometimes I don't even know which one is "really" me, but maybe it's OK to be a big potato salad of a person, with all kinds of sides. LIfe is complex and messy, and so are we.
It took a very long time for me to realize that my strength wasn't going anywhere, that had been there since go. I had no choice, given my genes and circumstances. Sometimes it's lonely-making. I'm not good at the difference between intimacy, letting someone in, and giving myself up. After the absolute disaster of G., I fight giving up my strength and independence like anything-I never want to give them up again. But I think I'm too hard. Someone gets close, and my independence rears up like a seawall. It takes more strength to let someone in than to keep them out, and I'm not there-yet. I'm not good at relationship. Lord knows I have faults and weakness to work on, and that's a big one in my counseling now. What I am good at, after many years, is believing to the core of my being that if someone can't accept me as I am, faults, strength, and all, they can just go fuck off. That I do know and take to the bank.
For way too long-years-I hated my inner strength that I know now is as much a part of me as my eye colour. I hated it because I wanted to be like the other girls, who could "butter up" a guy, flatter him, and make him feel like the strong one. I hated that with a passion, but guess who got all the attention? You got it. My mother would tell me that guys didn't like women who were too strong, too independent, and especially smarter than they were. I was at least 2 of the 3 ;). If guys were supposed to be "strong" inside, then I was a guy in a woman's body. That's how I felt, and sometimes still feel, though I am not trans. For a very long time, I've felt like two people inside-a woman who loves to feel like one, and a man who wants a woman to feel like one. But I'm digressing into gender areas, and butch-femme issues. Sometimes I don't even know which one is "really" me, but maybe it's OK to be a big potato salad of a person, with all kinds of sides. LIfe is complex and messy, and so are we.
It took a very long time for me to realize that my strength wasn't going anywhere, that had been there since go. I had no choice, given my genes and circumstances. Sometimes it's lonely-making. I'm not good at the difference between intimacy, letting someone in, and giving myself up. After the absolute disaster of G., I fight giving up my strength and independence like anything-I never want to give them up again. But I think I'm too hard. Someone gets close, and my independence rears up like a seawall. It takes more strength to let someone in than to keep them out, and I'm not there-yet. I'm not good at relationship. Lord knows I have faults and weakness to work on, and that's a big one in my counseling now. What I am good at, after many years, is believing to the core of my being that if someone can't accept me as I am, faults, strength, and all, they can just go fuck off. That I do know and take to the bank.