way too late to be rambling on this now...
This probably isn't the post I need to be writing at 1:30 in the morning, but it's been on my mind for a couple weeks now, so here it is.
I've recently been doing a lot of aerobics, swimming, and pushing my weights around and even at this early date, I can see definition in my shoulders and arms )). That's great and all; I love feeling strong in my own body. But I began feeling this anxiety, almost embarrassment at the same time.
When I was a girl, around Holly's age, I remember feeling especially self-conscious about my body. Not in the puberty sense, but even for a young girl, I had these shoulders going on. I didn't look like my friends, and I didn't feel like a girl, whatever that means. I was the opposite of Holly and her pink-wearing, nail-polishing self. I had a year or so in which I was a boy, and that was that.
There were a lot of reasons why I got fat and out of shape, but I'm wondering if one of them was because getting into shape and being a serious exerciser triggers all these gender-confusing messages. I found my high school yearbooks, and even though I had no clue as to my sexuality, there I am, short spiky hair and those swimmer's shoulders. I was on the dance team and never was there a group I fit in least than that. On some level, I've always felt like that-I don't consider myself masculine, but I don't fit in with most women, even though I am one.
When I finally came out, I thought there were two choices-one could be "butch", or one could be "femme". Well, femme was out but butch didn't reverb with me, either. I kind of left it like that for years, until these past few weeks, when I just said, "well, forget it, typically I don't fit in any box. I'm just me".
But it's kind of a grief, in that yet again I don't fit anywhere. I've often felt alone because I've never met anyone like this; everyone else always seems sure of who they are, especially on a gender level. I'm sort of an outer woman-and believe me, I enjoy that ;))- with an inner man. In a way, I feel as if I'm coming into myself by treating my body right, no matter what gender I'll be next Tuesday.
And way deep down, I do like it that I'll never be boxed again. The only "roles" in this house will be spelled with two "ll"'s and have frosting on them.
I've recently been doing a lot of aerobics, swimming, and pushing my weights around and even at this early date, I can see definition in my shoulders and arms )). That's great and all; I love feeling strong in my own body. But I began feeling this anxiety, almost embarrassment at the same time.
When I was a girl, around Holly's age, I remember feeling especially self-conscious about my body. Not in the puberty sense, but even for a young girl, I had these shoulders going on. I didn't look like my friends, and I didn't feel like a girl, whatever that means. I was the opposite of Holly and her pink-wearing, nail-polishing self. I had a year or so in which I was a boy, and that was that.
There were a lot of reasons why I got fat and out of shape, but I'm wondering if one of them was because getting into shape and being a serious exerciser triggers all these gender-confusing messages. I found my high school yearbooks, and even though I had no clue as to my sexuality, there I am, short spiky hair and those swimmer's shoulders. I was on the dance team and never was there a group I fit in least than that. On some level, I've always felt like that-I don't consider myself masculine, but I don't fit in with most women, even though I am one.
When I finally came out, I thought there were two choices-one could be "butch", or one could be "femme". Well, femme was out but butch didn't reverb with me, either. I kind of left it like that for years, until these past few weeks, when I just said, "well, forget it, typically I don't fit in any box. I'm just me".
But it's kind of a grief, in that yet again I don't fit anywhere. I've often felt alone because I've never met anyone like this; everyone else always seems sure of who they are, especially on a gender level. I'm sort of an outer woman-and believe me, I enjoy that ;))- with an inner man. In a way, I feel as if I'm coming into myself by treating my body right, no matter what gender I'll be next Tuesday.
And way deep down, I do like it that I'll never be boxed again. The only "roles" in this house will be spelled with two "ll"'s and have frosting on them.