Updates to get things off my chest
I know I don't update often on here. Mainly see how others are doing and keep my little corner clean because usually no one wants or cares to hear what is going on in my life usually other than the "how was your day?" type of questions. So I've had a lot of things to think about including meeting up with some old friends.
With the things to think about come the things to worry about. I grow very concerned with where Thomas sees me in all of what is going on in my life especially the more recent things. More recent things pertaining to my feelings for Matthew.
I have very deep feelings for Matthew and they have been for approximately the last two months. I worry that it might be a fling but I more concerned that I do spend some time pondering and sometimes I cry a little because I can't hold him close. I also worry that while he's gone out of state that he will find someone better. I know that he definitely find someone better than me because he is so special. I know I'm talking like I've fallen out of love with Thomas as well. That as well has also played in important part of what has been going on. I've had to debate my feelings for him as well. I've come to the conclusion that I love both of them very much. Although I'm pretty sure people will think that I've probably just grown accustomed to having Thomas around and that I'm taking advantage of the situation. I really do love them both and very deeply and wish them the greatest. Hell maybe it's best that both of them find someone else because I'm probably not the best for them. All I know is what my heart is telling me and how much they mean to me. I'm still clueless what the two of them see in my any ways. I've been told that I'm caring and I'd like to hope that over the last few years that I've learned from my previous behaviors and made things better but I worry that I'm doing them more harm than good.
I can't imagine letting go of Matthew anytime soon, and nor can I think of letting go Thomas. Both have so much of my heart and I'm beside myself at night thinking how it would be easier to drive them away to protect them. I'll probably do something stupid as it is and jeopardize my relationship with them.
Reading that over, it does sound like I'm a greedy little bitch. I don't deserve much, maybe I haven't changed as much as I had hoped to. I'll have to just say I've very disappointed in myself I guess. Yeah, disappointed would be the best I can think of right now.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I'll get out of your hair now. Ignore me, I'm just over here. You people have better things to do.
With the things to think about come the things to worry about. I grow very concerned with where Thomas sees me in all of what is going on in my life especially the more recent things. More recent things pertaining to my feelings for Matthew.
I have very deep feelings for Matthew and they have been for approximately the last two months. I worry that it might be a fling but I more concerned that I do spend some time pondering and sometimes I cry a little because I can't hold him close. I also worry that while he's gone out of state that he will find someone better. I know that he definitely find someone better than me because he is so special. I know I'm talking like I've fallen out of love with Thomas as well. That as well has also played in important part of what has been going on. I've had to debate my feelings for him as well. I've come to the conclusion that I love both of them very much. Although I'm pretty sure people will think that I've probably just grown accustomed to having Thomas around and that I'm taking advantage of the situation. I really do love them both and very deeply and wish them the greatest. Hell maybe it's best that both of them find someone else because I'm probably not the best for them. All I know is what my heart is telling me and how much they mean to me. I'm still clueless what the two of them see in my any ways. I've been told that I'm caring and I'd like to hope that over the last few years that I've learned from my previous behaviors and made things better but I worry that I'm doing them more harm than good.
I can't imagine letting go of Matthew anytime soon, and nor can I think of letting go Thomas. Both have so much of my heart and I'm beside myself at night thinking how it would be easier to drive them away to protect them. I'll probably do something stupid as it is and jeopardize my relationship with them.
Reading that over, it does sound like I'm a greedy little bitch. I don't deserve much, maybe I haven't changed as much as I had hoped to. I'll have to just say I've very disappointed in myself I guess. Yeah, disappointed would be the best I can think of right now.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I'll get out of your hair now. Ignore me, I'm just over here. You people have better things to do.