This is me...
I've thought a lot lately about my life and the things I've done....and I decided that I need to get some things out....so here goes.
I am still a child, but I hate to think that and won't ever admit it. I love my best friend (Autumn) and boyfriend (Will) more than I do my parents on most days, and it kills me to say that. My mom is my hero, but I've never been able to tell her that. I love my dad more than I do my father, and I consider him my father because I hate my biological father. I'm ashamed of my mother's first husband, yet I cry myself to sleep most nights because I love and miss them. I'm confused most of the time about things that are going on in my own life. I'm afraid that no one will ever love me for me and not who I pretend to be. I'm afraid of letting people get close to me because I don't want to hurt them, so I'm really only close to 2 people. I don't want to end up like my mother. I want to be with the one person that can accept me for who I am, but I'm afraid that I may lose him soon. I want to be closer with God, but it's as if something is pulling me back. I like rock music, and oldies, and I'd be lost without a radio. I love the Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, and Britney Spears first album. I often find myself wishing that I could be someone else, for just one day. I am a sinner, as everyone on this Earth is, and I hate it when people tell me so. I hate being wrong above everything else, but I can own up to it....sometimes. I like to see people laugh because it makes me forget about my problems for the moment, especially if I know that I put the smile on their face. I hate talking about my problems, and often avoid them until I can't anymore. I'm a terrible procrastinator, but I work my best when under pressure. I enjoy reading, but not crappy romance novels, although I wish my life were like one. I love a good mystery, but am usually terrible at solving them. I am an excellent word search finder, but not so good at crosswords.
I'm scared, and I don't what I'm scared of. I hate myself most days, but I try not to let others see it. I'm afraid to start an argument with my best friend because I know she doesn't like them, but I have no problem starting one with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend above everyone else on the Earth, and I don't think I could go on without him. I'm a very lively person, but that isn't the real me. I'm a people pleaser, and I wish I could change that. I'm thinking about deleting this and never posting, but I'll probably wish I posted it later.
I'm crying as I write this. I enjoy singing in the shower, but I can't say I'm very good at it. I love to laugh because it makes me feel good, especially when I'm with the people I trust the most. I just deleted the last line I wrote because I was afraid I'd hurt someone's feelings. I long for things I can't have, and I hardly use what I do have. I appreciate the little things in life, and would prefer a show of love to anything else. I'm afraid of the dark because of a secret I haven't been able to tell even my best friend. My boyfriend knows that secret. I've attempted suicide 7 times, and I often think about trying again. I was addicted to drugs and alcohol for a while when I was in middle school. I've seen a lot of porn in my life, and I've done sexual things with people whose names I didn't even know. I've only had sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, and I don't want to do it with anyone else. I feel that sex should be a beautiful thing, shared between two people that love each other very much....most of the people I know don't think that.
I cried in the Titanic and Pearl Harbor, and just the thought of them brings a tear to my eye. I want to be the first woman president, but I don't think I'll ever get enough support. I want to say more, but I feel I've already said to much. I'm afraid that this might make people angry with me, but I really don't care anymore.
With love always,
Heather
I am still a child, but I hate to think that and won't ever admit it. I love my best friend (Autumn) and boyfriend (Will) more than I do my parents on most days, and it kills me to say that. My mom is my hero, but I've never been able to tell her that. I love my dad more than I do my father, and I consider him my father because I hate my biological father. I'm ashamed of my mother's first husband, yet I cry myself to sleep most nights because I love and miss them. I'm confused most of the time about things that are going on in my own life. I'm afraid that no one will ever love me for me and not who I pretend to be. I'm afraid of letting people get close to me because I don't want to hurt them, so I'm really only close to 2 people. I don't want to end up like my mother. I want to be with the one person that can accept me for who I am, but I'm afraid that I may lose him soon. I want to be closer with God, but it's as if something is pulling me back. I like rock music, and oldies, and I'd be lost without a radio. I love the Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, and Britney Spears first album. I often find myself wishing that I could be someone else, for just one day. I am a sinner, as everyone on this Earth is, and I hate it when people tell me so. I hate being wrong above everything else, but I can own up to it....sometimes. I like to see people laugh because it makes me forget about my problems for the moment, especially if I know that I put the smile on their face. I hate talking about my problems, and often avoid them until I can't anymore. I'm a terrible procrastinator, but I work my best when under pressure. I enjoy reading, but not crappy romance novels, although I wish my life were like one. I love a good mystery, but am usually terrible at solving them. I am an excellent word search finder, but not so good at crosswords.
I'm scared, and I don't what I'm scared of. I hate myself most days, but I try not to let others see it. I'm afraid to start an argument with my best friend because I know she doesn't like them, but I have no problem starting one with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend above everyone else on the Earth, and I don't think I could go on without him. I'm a very lively person, but that isn't the real me. I'm a people pleaser, and I wish I could change that. I'm thinking about deleting this and never posting, but I'll probably wish I posted it later.
I'm crying as I write this. I enjoy singing in the shower, but I can't say I'm very good at it. I love to laugh because it makes me feel good, especially when I'm with the people I trust the most. I just deleted the last line I wrote because I was afraid I'd hurt someone's feelings. I long for things I can't have, and I hardly use what I do have. I appreciate the little things in life, and would prefer a show of love to anything else. I'm afraid of the dark because of a secret I haven't been able to tell even my best friend. My boyfriend knows that secret. I've attempted suicide 7 times, and I often think about trying again. I was addicted to drugs and alcohol for a while when I was in middle school. I've seen a lot of porn in my life, and I've done sexual things with people whose names I didn't even know. I've only had sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, and I don't want to do it with anyone else. I feel that sex should be a beautiful thing, shared between two people that love each other very much....most of the people I know don't think that.
I cried in the Titanic and Pearl Harbor, and just the thought of them brings a tear to my eye. I want to be the first woman president, but I don't think I'll ever get enough support. I want to say more, but I feel I've already said to much. I'm afraid that this might make people angry with me, but I really don't care anymore.
With love always,
Heather