(no subject)
Well.
Turns out I'm having an emotional moment.
Woe.
Why the fuck can nothing be simple?
Why do I fucking hate my degree? Why am I not looking forward to going back to study the one thing in life I used to love more than anything else?
Why has any and all confidence I once had in my ability been stripped away? Why am I too complacent to ever to do something about the fact that I fucking hate that I'll be spending another two years doing this?
Why am I always second best for the guys I like? The back up. The "maybe" option.
Why do I let myself get emotionally attached? Why do I let myself become the easy access, secret, "other" option?
Why is it only ever the good yet unattractive friends or the far away unavailable or the losers who like me? The ones that will emotionally destroy me to within an inch of my life?
Why is it that yet again, I find myself drifting further from some of the closest people in my life? Why do I feel defiant in semi-betraying a good friends trust? Why did I only care when I realised it was all fruitless anyway? Why do I find myself facing another dwindled friendship? Why do I find that I've become second best again?
Why can I not find the motivation to do anything with my time and my life? Why is it that all I do with my free days is sit around and wish I was doing something better but never knowing what or trying to?
Why, in short, am I such a dick? Why am I complaining about these things when, no doubt, others have much worse and complex and pressing problems?
Fucking hell, Ilayda. When will you grow up and sort yourself out?