Moan and bitch...
Urgh...
There's some rather hefty issues going on at present...
The last 3 weeks have been on and off for me and Mike...Largely to do with him, and his weird spasms of affection or lack of. Sadly, despite knowing that this comes as part of mike, because it has happened several times before, it still upsets me a lot and messes me up a lot....
I'm not entirely sure whats going on... I attempted having a chat about "us" last night, and it came out more like "Im upset that our relationship is losing its newness and cuteness" rather than "you've been a complete dick for the last 3 weeks"
I said stuff bout how I really sense a trivialness in our conversations now and that like often our texts and stuff seemed to be just for the sake of texting rather than with actual meaning or anything...And he didnt really respond to that bit of my "speech" much, so I just said, it just saddens me that we've lost so much of our affection....and like then his mum called us down to dinner (WANK!) so when we got back up it was completly interrupted and we didn't get back into it till surprisingly he mentioned it somehow....
We started cuddling like he was spooning me and I kind of ran over what I'd said before...and he kind of went quiet for ages and finally came out with "As much as I hate to say it or think it...I dont think this is going to last forever..."
And that just set me off, I was crying and saying stuff like "well, yeah i suppose" and said how that was a big issue for me at the start but then after like a month, I realised how much I loved him and how for me, love was about living in the moment without having to think about forever and the future...and asked him if he thought he was wasting his time with me, he said logically he should think that, but really he didnt...And then said something about how usually the fun part for him was always just liking the girl and chasing her before goin out with her, and I asked if that was the case for me and he said clearly not cause otherwise this wouldnt have lasted 7 months...
After that i just cried some more, cause I was so confused, and kind of like both hurt and relieved at once, and he hugged me for ages...then eventually we both calmed down, and had some really good sex...which probably wasnt the best thing to do...Both last night and this afternoon. Urgh. I mean, it was great, all the love etc was there, but considering at least my state of mind...It probably didnt help me that much....
But now im like....still very very confused. I mean, I know he loves me (despite his lack of open affection of late), I know he wants to be with me, but i'm askin myself about whether i should be with him, and whether its a waste of time indeed, or whatever...and if we can actually make it, and if he actually understood anything that i meant from the chat....Normally with so many doubts and questions going on through my mind, id just break up with him here and now, get it over with, but the truth of the matter is that i still fucking love him, still am IN love with him, and when we work, we work AMAZINGLY. And i just cant give that up....The very thought of giving that up makes me break out in shakes and my breathing like quickens, cause...Its just too unbearable....I love him so fucking much....
And he was supposed to be coming round tomorrow afternoon and stay the night cause it was just gonna be me and my bro (im babysitting while my parents go to a party and stay the night in nottingham) and he just told me online that he cant cause his sisters coming home tomorrow and its gonna be very familyish...
Which is okay by me, cause its only fair, but im so so so soooo devastated about it, cause i was SO looking forward to it....
I just want to cry now at the prospect of probably not seeing him again till after christmas...and then he leaves on the fucking 5th for New York with his family to see his OTHER sister there, and then gets back to the UK when i'm already away at uni...
Ahh, I just dont know what to feel. I know I want to be with him. But I know I still feel frustrated....and just....not entirely sure if I have the strength in me to tell him everything I feel...Which is a shocking thing to admit to and not try to fix, cause relationships are meant to be all about openess and sharing, right?
I dont know...
I just dont know.