(no subject)
I have essentially two dichotomous feelings right now I must tell you about. In the process please realize I am simply being honest about these feelings, and if you take offense in anyway, well, I can't much help the fact that you're offended by truth.
1. I got rosin today for my bow, and used a bow on my upright for the first time. I've never used a bow before, so naturally I suck at it. But there is just something about gracefully rubbing a bow against the strings like a saw until it creates enough friction that everything starts vibrating this sort of waving {{{{{{{{{{{{{{ vaaaaaaaaaaw vaw vawwwwwwwwww}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}. It's exhilarating, the whole thing, the simple sawing motion to the big booming vibrato. It gives me goosebumps. I can't imagine what it'll feel like when I can use it properly.
2. So this old friend, well, friend ain't the right word. Potential friend that was really a mere strange accquintance and then ultimately a boring person, and then completely and totally a cunt. And this really sucked cause I was made to be some sort of bad guy, some sort of asshole. I was being honest, I was being myself, and I wasn't censoring what I FELT was the truth. And it was true but I didn't know exactly why, or how, or in what way this friend was a total cunt, but I just knew it to be true. I expressed this, in so many words. I was ridiculed for it, probably made fun of it for it. And for quite a while, to be honest, I was angry about it. But now I have been completely and totally vindicated. I was right, she is a total cunt. And everybody knows it now( and I won't say why that is just because it doesn't really matter here and now and I'm sorry for that, I hate when people do that. The truth is, it's not entirely my business.) However, a very lovely friend of mine CHOSE to tell me, thus making it my business in a since.
Now I realize this picture of the celebrating, justified, and vindicated buddhist is not one you readily imagine when you think Buddhist. It is, however, in my nature, that is, my person nature, to be right, to be justified. It is not, however, in my buddha nature, my everyone nature, to strive for correctness or for some sort of moral high ground. I realize this. That's why I tell you all this, because I'm struggling with it. One minute I say everything is just so....the other I say "Goddamnit SEE, SEE I WAS RIGHT YOU WERE WRONG, GO FUCK YOURSELF". These are torn emotions I'm feeling here. You have to understand, this isn't really about you, it's me. It's funny how an action of yours, so unattached from my real business can cause such a swell in contradictory emotions in me.
I guess when the shock wears off I'll forgive, and realize you're just like me, and maybe see that at another time I am capable of the same mistakes.
1. I got rosin today for my bow, and used a bow on my upright for the first time. I've never used a bow before, so naturally I suck at it. But there is just something about gracefully rubbing a bow against the strings like a saw until it creates enough friction that everything starts vibrating this sort of waving {{{{{{{{{{{{{{ vaaaaaaaaaaw vaw vawwwwwwwwww}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}. It's exhilarating, the whole thing, the simple sawing motion to the big booming vibrato. It gives me goosebumps. I can't imagine what it'll feel like when I can use it properly.
2. So this old friend, well, friend ain't the right word. Potential friend that was really a mere strange accquintance and then ultimately a boring person, and then completely and totally a cunt. And this really sucked cause I was made to be some sort of bad guy, some sort of asshole. I was being honest, I was being myself, and I wasn't censoring what I FELT was the truth. And it was true but I didn't know exactly why, or how, or in what way this friend was a total cunt, but I just knew it to be true. I expressed this, in so many words. I was ridiculed for it, probably made fun of it for it. And for quite a while, to be honest, I was angry about it. But now I have been completely and totally vindicated. I was right, she is a total cunt. And everybody knows it now( and I won't say why that is just because it doesn't really matter here and now and I'm sorry for that, I hate when people do that. The truth is, it's not entirely my business.) However, a very lovely friend of mine CHOSE to tell me, thus making it my business in a since.
Now I realize this picture of the celebrating, justified, and vindicated buddhist is not one you readily imagine when you think Buddhist. It is, however, in my nature, that is, my person nature, to be right, to be justified. It is not, however, in my buddha nature, my everyone nature, to strive for correctness or for some sort of moral high ground. I realize this. That's why I tell you all this, because I'm struggling with it. One minute I say everything is just so....the other I say "Goddamnit SEE, SEE I WAS RIGHT YOU WERE WRONG, GO FUCK YOURSELF". These are torn emotions I'm feeling here. You have to understand, this isn't really about you, it's me. It's funny how an action of yours, so unattached from my real business can cause such a swell in contradictory emotions in me.
I guess when the shock wears off I'll forgive, and realize you're just like me, and maybe see that at another time I am capable of the same mistakes.