in pain.
Okay. My title has it. Yes, I am in pain. Why? Basically, some might find this stupid but well, for me it's a BIG thing. Last Thursday, I received my first quiz in ECO and to my senses, I FAILED. I hate it. And shocking as it may seem, in that instant I CRIED. I cried for like approximately half of the period. EXCELLENT! That was like so embarrassing for me but I don't give a damn. What matters most if for me to release my frustrations and depression. Yes, that incident got me thinking for days and maybe up until now. I just hate myself for being so stupid in not being able to answer correctly the items of the exam. Other people who didn't study that much got a higher grade than me. And yes I admit I am somehow jealous of them because they have the brains. Sometimes I wish I could just borrow their brain cells and neurons that I may be able to attain a grade they have. And that somehow I will be HAPPY for the grade that I worked hard for. I know its kind of greedy on my part for having these thoughts but I just can't help it sometimes because ever since I was in ICA, I never was satisfied with my grade. Its like you studied so much yet the grade remains the same. It really feels worse. I am like imprisoned in my own work and hardship. Imprison in the sense that I never get to get out of the same grade every semester. I have always exerted more and more effort but still, nothing has changed. And with this incident, it further affirmed my imprisonment in my own grade. ARGH! I really hate it. It seems that it's telling me that you are ONLY like that. And from these things, I come to think that maybe I AM STUPID. Or maybe I will always be like this because I am not capable of being smart and achieving anything. I don't know. It's just sad that I can't seem to achieve anything for myself. I really envy the people who amidst cramming and not studying at all get good grades. Sometimes, it occurs to me that maybe if I do the same thing I will get better grades. I can't help but think of those crazy stuffs. Neither can you blame me for being this way because I have never gotten what I want from the very start. Aside from that, maybe my dad's words like "ang tanga tanga mo talaga!" makes me think more of it as a fact. Maybe my dad is right making me not able to achieve anything. I don't really know. What I know now is that the pain of that incident is killing me. I just hope that I get to resolve this soon and before everything is too late.