(no subject)
damn it feel like its been forever since i wrote in this thing. things have changed alot in the last month. ok i am finally over karim well i think i am until he tells me he misses me then i feel sad because i know i miss him too i just cant tell him then i feel like the weak one. i moved into my apt saturday , Ben came down he dosent really like it and he came for a reason in which i dont think will happen because things have changed and were are both different ppl now we have grown away from our old selves. we were young and were still learning. yes i do love him but not in that way like i love you lets go have sex right now. its more like i love you and i hope you suceed in everything and everyway possible. i care sooo much about him and i thought if he moved away from ky he would see the difference from here to there and see there is life other than the foothills and redneck hillbillys of KY. i think he could really be something, someone oneday but not in KY. there is nothing there. Ben is very intellegent i dont want him to waste his mind on drugs. now i feel terrible because he is here and he was looking to being back with me and i told him that ive changed im not the same person i was young and when i said all those things to him on the phone i had just tried finishing things with karim and i was looking for the easiest way out and i thoiught if Ben came down i could forget totally about karim and make him totally jealous because ben would be here. but now i feel nothing like that at all. i only feel very selfish. i was only caring about how i would feel in the situation. i feel soooo sorry for ben. he is away from home by like 700 miles. he is bored in the apt. his car is fuckin up from the long drive. he thought it was gonna be one way and its not. he's getting broke he misses his friends, he had a good job. yes there is alot im not saying because its his business and i dunno im just trying to talk about it because all i can do is think about it and it just makes me feel worse. i know he just wants to hug me and sit close to me but i dont want to lead him on and if he wants to go home then i think its the best thing because im not going to be able to make him happy right now. im too young, im not ready to get steeled down thats what he wants i told him its too soon to start bringing up the past. just chill relax and try to enjoy Florida. well i dunno i just needed to talk