2005 in retrospect - Relationships
I was lying in bed the other night and thinking about everything has happened within the past year. I broke all of what has happened into categories. The first category i decided to tackle was relationships. I realize that in the past year i've written a lot about this topic, from love sick gushy entries to heartbroken tear filled entries. Well i've finally condensed it all and made it one solid story. my story. How things were viewed in my eyes and what i went through. I understand that there are always 2 sides to every story. So, here's mine.
I began this past year believing i was in love with someone. Not just any someone at the time but my best friend. We talked almost every night about anything and everything you could possibly think of. I laid in bed for hours talking and laughing. Our dream then became a reality and after a year of not being able to be together everything seemed to work out for us. It was only for a most lovely week in March but that week meant the world to me. We spent his days here attached at the hip. Up until this point we had never had any sort of physical relationship. We shared our first kiss his last night in town under the stars near a creek. Time stopped. Everything seemed to be perfect.We were crazy about each other. The next afternoon he left again and my euphoria came to an end. It then began to hit me that he had a girlfriend back in California. The thought of some other girl being with him made me physically sick. The every night talks then became filled with fear and hurt because my eyes had finally been opened to the fact that it wasn’t just me that he cared about and loved. I would later come to find out it was never me to begin with. I tried to put off thinking about it as much as possible so i decided not to confront it until his return to San Antonio the beginning of June. He was okay, I was okay, We were okay.
June 15th 2005 - Best friends again and attached at the hip just like before. He was there by my side and I was there by his. Nothing had changed, it was wonderful. We enjoyed a few good weeks of hanging out, late night talks in person and great memories at summer camp. The end of his summer visit came as a shock to both of us. His mother had bought a house. So there was a possibility he would be moving back to SA in July. I couldn’t have been happier. This was exactly what we had been talking about for almost a year straight now. I was told the only reason we weren’t together beforehand was the distance factor and now that that was going to be eliminated i couldn’t have been more thankful. However he still had to go back out to California to work on things and figure out where he was going to school in the fall and such. I was told he would call me when he had everything figured out.
July 23rd 2005 - the night of my 18th birthday. Exactly a year from when i realized i just might possibly love him, he calls. He tells me he's moving back! I couldn’t have been more relieved in that moment. I had gushed about this guy for a year and a half. When he called, i lit up. Talking to him was the most calming thing in the world. I had confided everything in him. I thought surely i would have my chance now to be with him. Things were finally in our favor. He tells me that he has more news...i had no idea. He tells me that him and his girlfriend from California are staying together and trying a long distance relationship. My heart started thumping. It honestly felt as though it was being crushed into a billion pieces. He tells me there's more. I didn’t want to hear it. His girlfriend was coming down to help him move in for his first week back. I cried for what seemed like years, it was a solid week. I told him that if he did anything for me just out of respect, not to bring her to church. That was the one place i knew i could go and feel safe in. Not to mention they knew how i felt about him. These were people that i love and care for very much who i gushed to about this guy for a year straight. That following Sunday at church i saw him and his girlfriend. Everyone else saw too. They watched as he introduced her to everyone in the room and as i sat back and broke down. I was humiliated. My heart was shattered that day. In the middle of the service i cracked. The tears didn’t stop coming. My stomach hurt and i couldn’t stop myself from shaking. I went straight to my youth pastor after the service. I could barely stand. He held me up and hugged me. While I tried not to pass out he stood five feet away introducing her to everyone. He glanced at me and i glanced back. I was truly at my lowest point. He was my best friend. He told me he would always be there for me and I trusted him. He walked away that day hand in hand with her. He also walked away from my friendship that day. However that didn’t become apparent until later. We eventually talked and tried to fix things. I still believed in him. His spider web of nice words and convincing stories sounded lovely. We said our goodbyes for somewhere around the 4th or 5th time that year, it was nothing new. I then went off to college. Here is where my eyes were opened up and saw everything for what it was. I began searching for answers and pressing into the situation. By November i had found myself tired, worn down and very lost. I had gotten no where. If anything, i was more lost then when i started. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, i was questioning everything about myself and seemed to never be happy. Talking to him reminded me of how i wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t worth it. I cracked for a second time. I was terrified. Terrified because i had no idea who i was anymore, terrified of getting hurt again, terrified of loosing him as a friend, the list goes on.
November 22nd 2005 - i saw him for the last time. I finally let go. I was sad that it had finally come to the point where i had to loose him in order to find myself and believe in myself again but there was no other way. I took back my identity and heart that day.
Dec.15th 2005 - it hasn’t been very long but already i feel comfortable in my own skin again. I am happy with who i am. I am a confident young lady who is growing up to be a beautiful and strong woman. A year ago i was naive and lost, today i am grounded, confident and happy.
I began this past year believing i was in love with someone. Not just any someone at the time but my best friend. We talked almost every night about anything and everything you could possibly think of. I laid in bed for hours talking and laughing. Our dream then became a reality and after a year of not being able to be together everything seemed to work out for us. It was only for a most lovely week in March but that week meant the world to me. We spent his days here attached at the hip. Up until this point we had never had any sort of physical relationship. We shared our first kiss his last night in town under the stars near a creek. Time stopped. Everything seemed to be perfect.We were crazy about each other. The next afternoon he left again and my euphoria came to an end. It then began to hit me that he had a girlfriend back in California. The thought of some other girl being with him made me physically sick. The every night talks then became filled with fear and hurt because my eyes had finally been opened to the fact that it wasn’t just me that he cared about and loved. I would later come to find out it was never me to begin with. I tried to put off thinking about it as much as possible so i decided not to confront it until his return to San Antonio the beginning of June. He was okay, I was okay, We were okay.
June 15th 2005 - Best friends again and attached at the hip just like before. He was there by my side and I was there by his. Nothing had changed, it was wonderful. We enjoyed a few good weeks of hanging out, late night talks in person and great memories at summer camp. The end of his summer visit came as a shock to both of us. His mother had bought a house. So there was a possibility he would be moving back to SA in July. I couldn’t have been happier. This was exactly what we had been talking about for almost a year straight now. I was told the only reason we weren’t together beforehand was the distance factor and now that that was going to be eliminated i couldn’t have been more thankful. However he still had to go back out to California to work on things and figure out where he was going to school in the fall and such. I was told he would call me when he had everything figured out.
July 23rd 2005 - the night of my 18th birthday. Exactly a year from when i realized i just might possibly love him, he calls. He tells me he's moving back! I couldn’t have been more relieved in that moment. I had gushed about this guy for a year and a half. When he called, i lit up. Talking to him was the most calming thing in the world. I had confided everything in him. I thought surely i would have my chance now to be with him. Things were finally in our favor. He tells me that he has more news...i had no idea. He tells me that him and his girlfriend from California are staying together and trying a long distance relationship. My heart started thumping. It honestly felt as though it was being crushed into a billion pieces. He tells me there's more. I didn’t want to hear it. His girlfriend was coming down to help him move in for his first week back. I cried for what seemed like years, it was a solid week. I told him that if he did anything for me just out of respect, not to bring her to church. That was the one place i knew i could go and feel safe in. Not to mention they knew how i felt about him. These were people that i love and care for very much who i gushed to about this guy for a year straight. That following Sunday at church i saw him and his girlfriend. Everyone else saw too. They watched as he introduced her to everyone in the room and as i sat back and broke down. I was humiliated. My heart was shattered that day. In the middle of the service i cracked. The tears didn’t stop coming. My stomach hurt and i couldn’t stop myself from shaking. I went straight to my youth pastor after the service. I could barely stand. He held me up and hugged me. While I tried not to pass out he stood five feet away introducing her to everyone. He glanced at me and i glanced back. I was truly at my lowest point. He was my best friend. He told me he would always be there for me and I trusted him. He walked away that day hand in hand with her. He also walked away from my friendship that day. However that didn’t become apparent until later. We eventually talked and tried to fix things. I still believed in him. His spider web of nice words and convincing stories sounded lovely. We said our goodbyes for somewhere around the 4th or 5th time that year, it was nothing new. I then went off to college. Here is where my eyes were opened up and saw everything for what it was. I began searching for answers and pressing into the situation. By November i had found myself tired, worn down and very lost. I had gotten no where. If anything, i was more lost then when i started. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, i was questioning everything about myself and seemed to never be happy. Talking to him reminded me of how i wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t worth it. I cracked for a second time. I was terrified. Terrified because i had no idea who i was anymore, terrified of getting hurt again, terrified of loosing him as a friend, the list goes on.
November 22nd 2005 - i saw him for the last time. I finally let go. I was sad that it had finally come to the point where i had to loose him in order to find myself and believe in myself again but there was no other way. I took back my identity and heart that day.
Dec.15th 2005 - it hasn’t been very long but already i feel comfortable in my own skin again. I am happy with who i am. I am a confident young lady who is growing up to be a beautiful and strong woman. A year ago i was naive and lost, today i am grounded, confident and happy.