a REAL update
wow, the silence of my house has never been so comforting...
Well i'm finally home for Thanksgiving and to be honest, i couldnt be happier. Dont get me wrong, i love Baylor and i'm having a most wonderful time. However, there is something about the comfort of home during the holidays. I missed real food, my bed, my room and not to mention nice big showers :) yay for being clean!
Okay, well i know its been a while since i really wrote anything of valid importance in my entries so i guess its about time to catch everyone up with whats actually been going on (i have a point to all of this, i swear)
Lately i've been alot more hard on my self than usual. I got to a point where i wasnt comfortable with who i was. I didnt know who i was. I wasnt comfortable in my own skin. This is due to some stuff that has recently been dug up and addressed over things that happened a few months ago. (Yes,for all of you who know me well this has to do with a certain boy who i ended up not in such a glorious situation with) Anyways, because of all that happened with this boy i've been uber hard on myself.Through his actions he sent me messages that consisted of,"your not good enough" and "you just werent worth it". These are very self destructive messages that have left my heart wounded and my self confidence and strength shot. For the past few months i have been trying to fill this "I'm not good enough" theory with activities, friends etc. thinking that somewhere along the way i would feel as though i was worth it because of all of these earthly things. However, after almost 6 months of feeling like this i've realized that its only through God and his wonderful grace that i'll be able to feel that way again. I need to seek the validation of my identity through Jesus and not anything else. Not through the organizations i'm a part of, the friends i have and most certainly not through the opinion and views of some boy. I liked to think that this guy was at some point in his life going to need me. I wanted to feel wanted. So, i stuck around. I just hid my pain and hurt and pretended like things were fine. Well, things were far from fine. I was constantly unhappy, i didnt believe in myself and it was as though all of the passion in me had just been sucked out by some sort of vacume. We would talk every now and then, catch up on current events in each others and lives and by the time i got off the phone i was either in tears or close to them due to the fact that all i could think about was how i wasnt good enough.To add to all of this i have most recently started taking all of my pent up feelings on everyone else around me. I cant tell you how many people i have been extra hard on or put extra stress on because of this whole mess. I've put others at their breaking points as well. So many of my friends who are near and dear to my heart have become fed up and annoyed to new levels with me and thats just not fair to them, nor is it healthy. It all just got to a point where i felt as though my friendship with this guy was by no means deemed right by God. Therefore, last night i did something i should have done 6 months ago. I finally let go of everything...the bitterness, the anger etc. Unfortunatly all of this came at a very high price. I may have gained some strength, self confidence and a feeling of who i am back but at the same time i lost someone very dear to me. It hurts me that i had to loose a best friend, a person that i invested so much time, energy, care, and love into just to figure out who i am again and get my sense of identity back. However, i'm not going to lie. It felt so good to be honest, to let him know how deep my wounds went and how hurt i was. I cant put into words how nice it was to just be real...to be me. I know he didnt picture things ending this way and neither did i but i really think this is for the better. I drove away from meeting with him last night confident for the first time in months and not in tears. It feels good to be happy. I woke up this morning and couldnt help but just thank God for the relief that i felt. I laughed today more than i have in honesty a good couple of months. Its nice to laugh... and not just a chuckle kind of almost fake laugh but a loud,truly from the heart,filled with passion kind of laugh.
With that being said...because i've been going through all of this change and growing, i felt as though i needed to express that so...what does any girl do in my type of situation? GET HER HAIR DONE! Its shorter, lighter, darker and i now have swoopy-in-my-face-fly-through-the-wind bangs. I'm happy to say that i'm comfortable in my own skin again.
To top off a most wonderful few hours, i met up with the isa bunch tonight. It was like nothing had ever changed. We merely picked up right where we left out, it was beautiful. The comfort and love that i felt tonight with all of those people was truly wonderful. Just being in a room full of people who knew me so well and loved me so much was so refreshing. I love those kids. Even though there is so much change going on in my own life, as well as the lives of those around me, there are always going to be some things that remain the same. I like that.
(ps: I'll post pictures later!)
life couldnt be better!
Well i'm finally home for Thanksgiving and to be honest, i couldnt be happier. Dont get me wrong, i love Baylor and i'm having a most wonderful time. However, there is something about the comfort of home during the holidays. I missed real food, my bed, my room and not to mention nice big showers :) yay for being clean!
Okay, well i know its been a while since i really wrote anything of valid importance in my entries so i guess its about time to catch everyone up with whats actually been going on (i have a point to all of this, i swear)
Lately i've been alot more hard on my self than usual. I got to a point where i wasnt comfortable with who i was. I didnt know who i was. I wasnt comfortable in my own skin. This is due to some stuff that has recently been dug up and addressed over things that happened a few months ago. (Yes,for all of you who know me well this has to do with a certain boy who i ended up not in such a glorious situation with) Anyways, because of all that happened with this boy i've been uber hard on myself.Through his actions he sent me messages that consisted of,"your not good enough" and "you just werent worth it". These are very self destructive messages that have left my heart wounded and my self confidence and strength shot. For the past few months i have been trying to fill this "I'm not good enough" theory with activities, friends etc. thinking that somewhere along the way i would feel as though i was worth it because of all of these earthly things. However, after almost 6 months of feeling like this i've realized that its only through God and his wonderful grace that i'll be able to feel that way again. I need to seek the validation of my identity through Jesus and not anything else. Not through the organizations i'm a part of, the friends i have and most certainly not through the opinion and views of some boy. I liked to think that this guy was at some point in his life going to need me. I wanted to feel wanted. So, i stuck around. I just hid my pain and hurt and pretended like things were fine. Well, things were far from fine. I was constantly unhappy, i didnt believe in myself and it was as though all of the passion in me had just been sucked out by some sort of vacume. We would talk every now and then, catch up on current events in each others and lives and by the time i got off the phone i was either in tears or close to them due to the fact that all i could think about was how i wasnt good enough.To add to all of this i have most recently started taking all of my pent up feelings on everyone else around me. I cant tell you how many people i have been extra hard on or put extra stress on because of this whole mess. I've put others at their breaking points as well. So many of my friends who are near and dear to my heart have become fed up and annoyed to new levels with me and thats just not fair to them, nor is it healthy. It all just got to a point where i felt as though my friendship with this guy was by no means deemed right by God. Therefore, last night i did something i should have done 6 months ago. I finally let go of everything...the bitterness, the anger etc. Unfortunatly all of this came at a very high price. I may have gained some strength, self confidence and a feeling of who i am back but at the same time i lost someone very dear to me. It hurts me that i had to loose a best friend, a person that i invested so much time, energy, care, and love into just to figure out who i am again and get my sense of identity back. However, i'm not going to lie. It felt so good to be honest, to let him know how deep my wounds went and how hurt i was. I cant put into words how nice it was to just be real...to be me. I know he didnt picture things ending this way and neither did i but i really think this is for the better. I drove away from meeting with him last night confident for the first time in months and not in tears. It feels good to be happy. I woke up this morning and couldnt help but just thank God for the relief that i felt. I laughed today more than i have in honesty a good couple of months. Its nice to laugh... and not just a chuckle kind of almost fake laugh but a loud,truly from the heart,filled with passion kind of laugh.
With that being said...because i've been going through all of this change and growing, i felt as though i needed to express that so...what does any girl do in my type of situation? GET HER HAIR DONE! Its shorter, lighter, darker and i now have swoopy-in-my-face-fly-through-the-wind bangs. I'm happy to say that i'm comfortable in my own skin again.
To top off a most wonderful few hours, i met up with the isa bunch tonight. It was like nothing had ever changed. We merely picked up right where we left out, it was beautiful. The comfort and love that i felt tonight with all of those people was truly wonderful. Just being in a room full of people who knew me so well and loved me so much was so refreshing. I love those kids. Even though there is so much change going on in my own life, as well as the lives of those around me, there are always going to be some things that remain the same. I like that.
(ps: I'll post pictures later!)
life couldnt be better!