Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...
Fuck, 4:15 in the ante meridiem.
I'm being a bookworm (yep, typing this away in the bowels of Leavey Library), and man, it's such a comfort. I miss books. I miss being a nerd and getting awesome grades and being supremely smart and better than everyone. Lately, I've been totally rocking the nerd look: frumpy clothes, nappy-chicken-nest hair tied up in a quick ponytail, glasses, zits. Aww yeah.
I still haven't sent out my resumes. What am I waiting for? Basically, for me to finish reading my "assigned" readings before I can move on to anything else. It's like my brain is an old Mac that will totally freeze up if I don't load everything in the right order. I can't move on to what I need to do until I finish with what I want to do. I know this is bad, but I still have some time.. at least, I think I can finish my reading and get over that mental block by 4 or 6 p.m. tomorrow. I told myself I would send them out today. I told myself I would send them out "today" yesterday. I told myself I would send them out "today" on Sunday, before Monday. But then I thought, "Oh, it'll be Monday, where everyone is busy finishing up the shit they left undone on Friday. I'll send it out Monday night for Tuesday." How is it already Wednesday? That's INSANE. If I send them out Wednesday night, the offices will receive them Thursday morning. Thursday morning is always a toss up. I was going to say something, but... Oh, right. If you received something "new" on a Thursday the typical thing to do is to set it aside for Friday so that you can get the things received on Monday finished before Friday, and on Friday take an initial look on the new crap you got on Thursday so you can prep and start working on it immediately on Monday. Sometimes though, if it's been a slow week, Thursday is a good workday where shit just gets done. Or, it doesn't and people just chat around wishing for it to be Friday, where they can pretend to work, where on Thursday they just shit around. Nah, no, I was right, new things coming in on a Thursday almost always get tabled to get looked at on Friday.
Sigh. Well, actually, this might work out for me... Astrologically speaking, the full moon comes in on the 18th, Monday. SOooo.. if I really turn those resumes out Wednesday night, I -might- just expect some phone calls on Monday. If I'm lucky though (this would be the good side of the Thursday toss-up), I'll get a phone call Thursday for me to come in for an interview on Friday. And maybe start my first day of work Monday.
*wishes, crosses fingers*
Well, I -did- give one resume out today to the Two-Nine, but of course, they're not hiring presently, but are looking to consider it in the future ("...60% of the time, it works 100% of the time!!!"). Hrumph. I was planning to go out tomorrow (today, Wednesday) and turn in some resumes in person at a bunch of businesses on Sunset, but now I'm thinking all that activity will be best played out together on Thursday. It just seems like the right day, now that I put some thought into it. Whatever. Actually, yes, because I really only have money for bus fare for one day. If I play my cards right, I might be able to earn cash later that night at a strip club. So now, before I head out and turn in resumes, I need to make phone calls to the clubs to see who's needing/willing to take in new girls and what their policies are. *note to self*
I'm running out of food and I still have debts to pay back.
Wait, whoamikidding,--- I have NO food.
Yesterday I didn't come back home from the library until 7 a.m., after first getting there around... Well, truth be told, I had been reading since at least 2p.m. the day prior.
I don't know why but my reading has gotten as slow as malasses. It was -really- bad Fall '03. I never wrote about what I was going through while it happened (and still haven't, if only because I haven't experienced enough psychological space from all this insanity to actually examine it and take it all in finally...), so only a few of you really know. Actually, none of you really know, unless you're Nerissa, who saw firsthand my gradual breakdown and its amazing finale during finals week Spring 2004. Trust me, I'll get to it. I've got this mission to finally make peace with the past two and a half years before 2005 ends. It needs to DIE. And finally R.I.P.
The quirk I mentioned just above, where I can't move on to things I need to do until I've finished what I'm still stuck doing, also showed up Fall of '03. Fall of '03 is when I got mono. BOY that sucked.
...
It really sucked. And just now, it brought up some really ugly feelings. I've made peace with those for the most part, but the effects of the events are still affecting me to this day, and that's what needs to be killed. They are, in all, a living vampire that, everytime I get a little bit stronger, sucks the life out of me and pushes me two steps back further away from my victory of recovery.
*sigh* ...Well, like I say, and it'll happen, I'll tell you all about that soon.
Maybe this book reading is like a new mental de--... no, it's not. Or maybe it is a mental defense. It keeps me occupied and away from thinking negatively.. it keeps me from thinking about "Oh CRAP I have no money and no food." Maybe that's bad, but honestly, I think it's good, because if I keep thinking about the current reality it will only drive me away from it, instead of attacking it, because right now it's stronger than me. I'm too weak right now. I'm sure a lot of you are wondering where the hell I am and what I've been up to lately... I've literally been invisible. I just don't want to be seen or bothered right now. I need to get strong again, basically. And books are like my little pieces of armour that I stack up around me as a shield and fortress.. Inside, they're like a warm and comfy cocoon that absorbs all the blows from the outside.
And man, have I been lovin' Doheny. I've finally come to terms with Leavey's uglyness. Aww, not ugly. ...just, garish. I guess it helps people stay awake though. ...?? Despite the number of times I've fallen asleep in Leavey.
And with THAT, I announce my "hello" to Fall. I kinda actually said "hello" to Fall already, like, maybe 5 days ago.. But I'll just make it official in writing now. Why is it officially Fall now?
Well, my buddy Nickel told me that a pinecone almost fell on her head, and that, to her, was the beginning of fall. I have to agree. She does this cute thing where she celebrates, makes a toast if you will, by drinking a Pumpkin Spice latte from Starbuck's. She's so cute. I'm so lucky to have her as a friend. I'm kind of afraid she might think that I'm trying to avoid her lately.. well, I am. But not just her. I just need space in general to mend some wounds.
Now, Fall for me.. is that suddenly noticeable "crisp" in the air when the sun starts to goes down around 4p.m. It's when I start to want to read books again. (Henceforth, I did not experience Fall last year. Sad.) It's when I'm craving hot cocoa or warm tea to keep me toasty. When I'm craving COOKIES! When I want the warmth of a cozy blanket or well-worn school sweater. When I cuddle up with a book, fall asleep with it in hand, and wake up only to continue reading. When I start planning for Thanksgiving and Christmas. When I catch the football games on the television set. Texas vs. Texas A&M. Killeen vs. Ellison. USC vs. Notre Dame. Pumpkin Pie. Cranberry sauce. Denny's Superbird sandwich. Ginger Spice.
Yes, Ginger Spice. Okay, NO Ginger Spice, but definitely ginger spice.
Banana bread...
Bananas...
*sigh*
No, I've -NEVER- been to a home football game except for Notre Dame last year, and that wasn't even in the Student Section. Yeah, I know. I've missed quite a bit of the "college experience." Sucks, huh?
Oh, whatever. It all sucks. It's sucked for quite some time. None of you can ever understand the pain it's caused me.
But whatever. I'm going to bed. [ exeunt 5:50 a.m.]
PS: Please notice the new lj colors, if you're viewing this from your friend's list. No more dreary black. I even changed the title. I need change. Even though "depressing musings of the antichrist" was kinda cute. Kinda.
I'm being a bookworm (yep, typing this away in the bowels of Leavey Library), and man, it's such a comfort. I miss books. I miss being a nerd and getting awesome grades and being supremely smart and better than everyone. Lately, I've been totally rocking the nerd look: frumpy clothes, nappy-chicken-nest hair tied up in a quick ponytail, glasses, zits. Aww yeah.
I still haven't sent out my resumes. What am I waiting for? Basically, for me to finish reading my "assigned" readings before I can move on to anything else. It's like my brain is an old Mac that will totally freeze up if I don't load everything in the right order. I can't move on to what I need to do until I finish with what I want to do. I know this is bad, but I still have some time.. at least, I think I can finish my reading and get over that mental block by 4 or 6 p.m. tomorrow. I told myself I would send them out today. I told myself I would send them out "today" yesterday. I told myself I would send them out "today" on Sunday, before Monday. But then I thought, "Oh, it'll be Monday, where everyone is busy finishing up the shit they left undone on Friday. I'll send it out Monday night for Tuesday." How is it already Wednesday? That's INSANE. If I send them out Wednesday night, the offices will receive them Thursday morning. Thursday morning is always a toss up. I was going to say something, but... Oh, right. If you received something "new" on a Thursday the typical thing to do is to set it aside for Friday so that you can get the things received on Monday finished before Friday, and on Friday take an initial look on the new crap you got on Thursday so you can prep and start working on it immediately on Monday. Sometimes though, if it's been a slow week, Thursday is a good workday where shit just gets done. Or, it doesn't and people just chat around wishing for it to be Friday, where they can pretend to work, where on Thursday they just shit around. Nah, no, I was right, new things coming in on a Thursday almost always get tabled to get looked at on Friday.
Sigh. Well, actually, this might work out for me... Astrologically speaking, the full moon comes in on the 18th, Monday. SOooo.. if I really turn those resumes out Wednesday night, I -might- just expect some phone calls on Monday. If I'm lucky though (this would be the good side of the Thursday toss-up), I'll get a phone call Thursday for me to come in for an interview on Friday. And maybe start my first day of work Monday.
*wishes, crosses fingers*
Well, I -did- give one resume out today to the Two-Nine, but of course, they're not hiring presently, but are looking to consider it in the future ("...60% of the time, it works 100% of the time!!!"). Hrumph. I was planning to go out tomorrow (today, Wednesday) and turn in some resumes in person at a bunch of businesses on Sunset, but now I'm thinking all that activity will be best played out together on Thursday. It just seems like the right day, now that I put some thought into it. Whatever. Actually, yes, because I really only have money for bus fare for one day. If I play my cards right, I might be able to earn cash later that night at a strip club. So now, before I head out and turn in resumes, I need to make phone calls to the clubs to see who's needing/willing to take in new girls and what their policies are. *note to self*
I'm running out of food and I still have debts to pay back.
Wait, whoamikidding,--- I have NO food.
Yesterday I didn't come back home from the library until 7 a.m., after first getting there around... Well, truth be told, I had been reading since at least 2p.m. the day prior.
I don't know why but my reading has gotten as slow as malasses. It was -really- bad Fall '03. I never wrote about what I was going through while it happened (and still haven't, if only because I haven't experienced enough psychological space from all this insanity to actually examine it and take it all in finally...), so only a few of you really know. Actually, none of you really know, unless you're Nerissa, who saw firsthand my gradual breakdown and its amazing finale during finals week Spring 2004. Trust me, I'll get to it. I've got this mission to finally make peace with the past two and a half years before 2005 ends. It needs to DIE. And finally R.I.P.
The quirk I mentioned just above, where I can't move on to things I need to do until I've finished what I'm still stuck doing, also showed up Fall of '03. Fall of '03 is when I got mono. BOY that sucked.
...
It really sucked. And just now, it brought up some really ugly feelings. I've made peace with those for the most part, but the effects of the events are still affecting me to this day, and that's what needs to be killed. They are, in all, a living vampire that, everytime I get a little bit stronger, sucks the life out of me and pushes me two steps back further away from my victory of recovery.
*sigh* ...Well, like I say, and it'll happen, I'll tell you all about that soon.
Maybe this book reading is like a new mental de--... no, it's not. Or maybe it is a mental defense. It keeps me occupied and away from thinking negatively.. it keeps me from thinking about "Oh CRAP I have no money and no food." Maybe that's bad, but honestly, I think it's good, because if I keep thinking about the current reality it will only drive me away from it, instead of attacking it, because right now it's stronger than me. I'm too weak right now. I'm sure a lot of you are wondering where the hell I am and what I've been up to lately... I've literally been invisible. I just don't want to be seen or bothered right now. I need to get strong again, basically. And books are like my little pieces of armour that I stack up around me as a shield and fortress.. Inside, they're like a warm and comfy cocoon that absorbs all the blows from the outside.
And man, have I been lovin' Doheny. I've finally come to terms with Leavey's uglyness. Aww, not ugly. ...just, garish. I guess it helps people stay awake though. ...?? Despite the number of times I've fallen asleep in Leavey.
And with THAT, I announce my "hello" to Fall. I kinda actually said "hello" to Fall already, like, maybe 5 days ago.. But I'll just make it official in writing now. Why is it officially Fall now?
Well, my buddy Nickel told me that a pinecone almost fell on her head, and that, to her, was the beginning of fall. I have to agree. She does this cute thing where she celebrates, makes a toast if you will, by drinking a Pumpkin Spice latte from Starbuck's. She's so cute. I'm so lucky to have her as a friend. I'm kind of afraid she might think that I'm trying to avoid her lately.. well, I am. But not just her. I just need space in general to mend some wounds.
Now, Fall for me.. is that suddenly noticeable "crisp" in the air when the sun starts to goes down around 4p.m. It's when I start to want to read books again. (Henceforth, I did not experience Fall last year. Sad.) It's when I'm craving hot cocoa or warm tea to keep me toasty. When I'm craving COOKIES! When I want the warmth of a cozy blanket or well-worn school sweater. When I cuddle up with a book, fall asleep with it in hand, and wake up only to continue reading. When I start planning for Thanksgiving and Christmas. When I catch the football games on the television set. Texas vs. Texas A&M. Killeen vs. Ellison. USC vs. Notre Dame. Pumpkin Pie. Cranberry sauce. Denny's Superbird sandwich. Ginger Spice.
Yes, Ginger Spice. Okay, NO Ginger Spice, but definitely ginger spice.
Banana bread...
Bananas...
*sigh*
No, I've -NEVER- been to a home football game except for Notre Dame last year, and that wasn't even in the Student Section. Yeah, I know. I've missed quite a bit of the "college experience." Sucks, huh?
Oh, whatever. It all sucks. It's sucked for quite some time. None of you can ever understand the pain it's caused me.
But whatever. I'm going to bed. [ exeunt 5:50 a.m.]
PS: Please notice the new lj colors, if you're viewing this from your friend's list. No more dreary black. I even changed the title. I need change. Even though "depressing musings of the antichrist" was kinda cute. Kinda.