(no subject)
OK... i just typed this whole damn thing and then did a spell check and somehow deleted the whole thing... so not I am crying cause this is like the freeking iceing on the cake... and if I have bad spelling, i dont give a rats butt cause I know I suck at it, and I am sure you can figure out what I really ment
So, i guess I can just look at my life and laugh... it dosent suck, it blows... I feel so guilty, I am the worst frind in the entire world. I have been so caught up in my own personal issues I have neglected the most valuable things I have in my life, my friend... the two people that have been there for me most to help me through everything(billy and Katelyn) have called and asked to talk to me and I feel so guilty that I have not been able to make time for them. I know they would drop everything and anything to help me, and I could make anytime to call Kate or billsworth.
when people ask me how college is going, I lie. I lie right to their face. I tell them everything is going great, I love college, I am making lots of friends, and having tons of fun... The truth is nothing is going great, I hate being here at college alone, I have 1 friend (and she is mad at me right now) and I am having zero amounts of fun. I am really depressed here... I am away from all my friends. My friends were there for me in high school to fill the gap that my family had created... well, just when I got comfortable with everything, I had to come to college, and now that gap has been ripped open again, and it hurts more. I have not seen my dad in almost 1 year... and everytime I think about that, I want to cry. Everything I get, gets taken away... and no matter what people say, actions are louder then words... My dad says he loves me and misses me and wants me to come and visit him in Brazil.... but he wont come here... James says he wishes that he could be here with me (well he can keep on wishing, but here I am and there he is).. my friends say they wish we could all be together again (guess what that shit isnt going to happen again either).. I sometimes think... what is the point of living anymore... what is the freekin point. But billy, like we talked about, you cant get your screen off, and I am too fat to fit out my window, so we are going to have to find a plan B.
I want to see my dad again... I honestly dont feel like anyone can relate to me... My friends helped fill that whole my dad created, and now that they were taken away from me, and it sucks... I miss him and I hate how he spends all this time with his new family.... and just seems to forget about his old one (ya know, those pesky 3 kids he created)... and the only person I feel can really relate to me is JJ, and that is only cause his dad is a jerk who decided not to be in his life all together.
I feel like I am just one step behind everyone.. I always have been, on step behind Connie in academics (and common sense I guess) one step behind nikki in looks and niceness and uniqueness... one step behind billy in listening skills and advice giving and joke telling, one step behind kate in my school work... one step behind JJ in his kick ass personality. I dont have my own self, nothing I am good at.... everyone has such great qualities, and I am just there...
Since I have been here, I know I have put on a lot of weight... I can see it in pictures, and when I look in the freeking mirror... all I see is someone who is fat and ugly. Whenever I eat, I just want to run to the bathroom and a throw up and cry and never come out again. I think I am a compulsive eater, and I cant stop... I have no self control... I spoke to Pola on the phone the other night, and I thought we were having a civil conversation and he told me it was cold out side and he was wearing my sweater.. i was like "hey that is my sweater, i forgot where that went, give it back!" he was like "It wouldnt fit you any more"... i couldnt believe he would say that. That coming from him hurt more then 100 people I didnt know telling me i was fat. I HAVE A FUCKING MIRRIOR I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE!!!! He called back shortly and we decided that we would talk about something else, so we talked about surfing... then he told me, and this is a direct quote, "a beached whale"... i hung the phone up.... and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry... I mean coming from him, I always thought Pola saw through that, but that made me realize that he is just like all other guys, shallow... I know that I am fat, and I guess coming from him was a stab directly to the heart... I hate myself.. my slef esteem has never been this low... my motto used to be "I know what I look like, and if you dont like it, go suck a nut cause I am who I am"... but i guess that has sort of altered.
I have no free time.. during the week, I have classes and on the weekends, I have guard practice until sometimes 2 in the morning... my practice times are crazy, and I am always tired, and lonely, and I just dont want to even exist anymore. I am not doing anything to benifit my life or the lives of others.. I have nothing to live for, and if I was not here right now, I dont think it would matter to anyone... my friends would still have eachother, my dad has his new family (and I honestly dont think he would even make an appearence at my funeral, just like my graduation, my brothers bar mitzvah... etc)... life would keep going after I was gone... which a depressing though in iself.
I this sick feeling I always have in my stomach is something I just have to learn to live with... everytime I eat or think about eating, or smell food, I just get sick... I feel hugh, and I look at myself and realize that I dont have the same body I used to, and no matter what anyone says, I know I am still going to look the same and feel the same before and after they say it. Sometimes, people just try and tell me I am not fat by saying something like "I like a girl who is not a rail" or "its prob muscle" or "i didnt notice"... or anything, but that is peoples nice way of saying, yeah you are fat, but I will still be your friend.... so thats about it... for now.. i bet I could write a book, but i think sleep would prob be more benificial for me.. later
So, i guess I can just look at my life and laugh... it dosent suck, it blows... I feel so guilty, I am the worst frind in the entire world. I have been so caught up in my own personal issues I have neglected the most valuable things I have in my life, my friend... the two people that have been there for me most to help me through everything(billy and Katelyn) have called and asked to talk to me and I feel so guilty that I have not been able to make time for them. I know they would drop everything and anything to help me, and I could make anytime to call Kate or billsworth.
when people ask me how college is going, I lie. I lie right to their face. I tell them everything is going great, I love college, I am making lots of friends, and having tons of fun... The truth is nothing is going great, I hate being here at college alone, I have 1 friend (and she is mad at me right now) and I am having zero amounts of fun. I am really depressed here... I am away from all my friends. My friends were there for me in high school to fill the gap that my family had created... well, just when I got comfortable with everything, I had to come to college, and now that gap has been ripped open again, and it hurts more. I have not seen my dad in almost 1 year... and everytime I think about that, I want to cry. Everything I get, gets taken away... and no matter what people say, actions are louder then words... My dad says he loves me and misses me and wants me to come and visit him in Brazil.... but he wont come here... James says he wishes that he could be here with me (well he can keep on wishing, but here I am and there he is).. my friends say they wish we could all be together again (guess what that shit isnt going to happen again either).. I sometimes think... what is the point of living anymore... what is the freekin point. But billy, like we talked about, you cant get your screen off, and I am too fat to fit out my window, so we are going to have to find a plan B.
I want to see my dad again... I honestly dont feel like anyone can relate to me... My friends helped fill that whole my dad created, and now that they were taken away from me, and it sucks... I miss him and I hate how he spends all this time with his new family.... and just seems to forget about his old one (ya know, those pesky 3 kids he created)... and the only person I feel can really relate to me is JJ, and that is only cause his dad is a jerk who decided not to be in his life all together.
I feel like I am just one step behind everyone.. I always have been, on step behind Connie in academics (and common sense I guess) one step behind nikki in looks and niceness and uniqueness... one step behind billy in listening skills and advice giving and joke telling, one step behind kate in my school work... one step behind JJ in his kick ass personality. I dont have my own self, nothing I am good at.... everyone has such great qualities, and I am just there...
Since I have been here, I know I have put on a lot of weight... I can see it in pictures, and when I look in the freeking mirror... all I see is someone who is fat and ugly. Whenever I eat, I just want to run to the bathroom and a throw up and cry and never come out again. I think I am a compulsive eater, and I cant stop... I have no self control... I spoke to Pola on the phone the other night, and I thought we were having a civil conversation and he told me it was cold out side and he was wearing my sweater.. i was like "hey that is my sweater, i forgot where that went, give it back!" he was like "It wouldnt fit you any more"... i couldnt believe he would say that. That coming from him hurt more then 100 people I didnt know telling me i was fat. I HAVE A FUCKING MIRRIOR I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE!!!! He called back shortly and we decided that we would talk about something else, so we talked about surfing... then he told me, and this is a direct quote, "a beached whale"... i hung the phone up.... and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry... I mean coming from him, I always thought Pola saw through that, but that made me realize that he is just like all other guys, shallow... I know that I am fat, and I guess coming from him was a stab directly to the heart... I hate myself.. my slef esteem has never been this low... my motto used to be "I know what I look like, and if you dont like it, go suck a nut cause I am who I am"... but i guess that has sort of altered.
I have no free time.. during the week, I have classes and on the weekends, I have guard practice until sometimes 2 in the morning... my practice times are crazy, and I am always tired, and lonely, and I just dont want to even exist anymore. I am not doing anything to benifit my life or the lives of others.. I have nothing to live for, and if I was not here right now, I dont think it would matter to anyone... my friends would still have eachother, my dad has his new family (and I honestly dont think he would even make an appearence at my funeral, just like my graduation, my brothers bar mitzvah... etc)... life would keep going after I was gone... which a depressing though in iself.
I this sick feeling I always have in my stomach is something I just have to learn to live with... everytime I eat or think about eating, or smell food, I just get sick... I feel hugh, and I look at myself and realize that I dont have the same body I used to, and no matter what anyone says, I know I am still going to look the same and feel the same before and after they say it. Sometimes, people just try and tell me I am not fat by saying something like "I like a girl who is not a rail" or "its prob muscle" or "i didnt notice"... or anything, but that is peoples nice way of saying, yeah you are fat, but I will still be your friend.... so thats about it... for now.. i bet I could write a book, but i think sleep would prob be more benificial for me.. later