(no subject)
I don't know what to do with myself
Oh Steph Klein.
My best friend.
These are from Straight up and Dirty
"Boring is better than Bastard, okay? Whenever I explored the relationships that began with that ignition and spark, I was usually left sobbing into my pillow wondering how I ended up so sad again... Sparks can lead to fires, and then to fire escapes, where all you'll want to do is flee the scene of your crimes."
" I look back now at the pages of my life, and I'm embarrassed... I allowed myself to to be in an emotionally abusive relationship because I was frightened I wasn't worth enough without him. I believed I mattered more because he wanted me. I gave that authority away, to another person, which is flat out appalling, and far too common. So many women do it. Smart Women. Stupid Choices. I would know as an educated woman who read the books they told me to. I knew from working hard until I succeeded. I thought relationships worked the same way. The more I cried and worked through our fights, the harder I was working to endure. I was fighting for something, to keep something I wanted."
I would trade anything on this planet to go back in time. Go back one year. To where I was giving up on my fight, and starting one I shouldn't. I ended my fights with Sam by running to Darin. Filling the void I needed by feeling wanted again. I should have stepped back and asked myself what I, Ashley Renee Shearman, wanted from these boys. They were boys. Not Men. As I am feeling very much like a girl. I shouldn't have traded in love for an accessory. Darin never wanted me, Ashley, the photographer and over dramatic domestic godess. He wanted a label. A girlfriend. Not me. Sam wanted me. Every bit of me. He wanted late night fried chicken and whining about my friends. But I thought I needed to branch out. "See other people". Dear Friends, If you're in love... What else could you possibly ask for? Not here I sit, unable to sleep. Unable to Let. It. Go. I just can't figure out what IT is. Darin? Sam? Bad Choices? Relationships? Cereal Monogomy? Or Lonelyness? I don't believe one simply finds themselves under a rock one day... But reinventing the girl I am in to the woman I would rather be is becoming harder than I expected.