(no subject)
i hate nights like the last one. being so tired you can hardly keep your eyes open, but when you crawl into bed (finally) something starts you off and you cant stop crying. i'm so sick of it now. sick of crying myself to sleep. there is no god. or if there is, him and hte devil are the same person. hell isnt a place you go when you die, because hell is living. so anyway, i finally get to sleep, and then i get a phone call, just as im dosing off. its chris. my rock. the one person who's always strong. without exception, all depressed on the end of the phone. so i do the friend thing. stop crying to listen to his problems, because he does i enough for me. i tell him its because he's drunk, though why he's drinking again, i just dont know. he was such a better person when he was being "straight edge" lol. i loved him when he was like that, but now he's started drinking again. i hate alcohol.
so then i finally come off the phone to chris, toss and turn for a bit, actually, for hours, then my phone starts ringing. again. this time its Tom. "my ex just text me, telling me shes still in love wiht me. what do i do?" how the fuck should i know? i know i sound like a complete selfish bitch, infact, i know i am a complete selfish bitch, but i dont care. im more then happy to listen to him when he has a real problem, but i dont want to hear about fucking becky.
tom started off as a distraction. he started off as someone who took my mind of the aching hole inside me that dave left. he knew exactly what i needed to get me through it, and he helped me. alot. when i'd fallen apart completely, and nobody but him could understand how close to ending it all i was, he helped me. he helped put me back together, and stop me falling apart again. but he became like a drug. i need him now.i think im falling in love with him. fuck, this is just complicating things so much more. i dont need this right now. i cant even tell him. everytime we speak i want to tell him "tom, i love you." but then, its nothing compared to how i felt about dave, but daves not here. i dont know what to do.
so then i finally come off the phone to chris, toss and turn for a bit, actually, for hours, then my phone starts ringing. again. this time its Tom. "my ex just text me, telling me shes still in love wiht me. what do i do?" how the fuck should i know? i know i sound like a complete selfish bitch, infact, i know i am a complete selfish bitch, but i dont care. im more then happy to listen to him when he has a real problem, but i dont want to hear about fucking becky.
tom started off as a distraction. he started off as someone who took my mind of the aching hole inside me that dave left. he knew exactly what i needed to get me through it, and he helped me. alot. when i'd fallen apart completely, and nobody but him could understand how close to ending it all i was, he helped me. he helped put me back together, and stop me falling apart again. but he became like a drug. i need him now.i think im falling in love with him. fuck, this is just complicating things so much more. i dont need this right now. i cant even tell him. everytime we speak i want to tell him "tom, i love you." but then, its nothing compared to how i felt about dave, but daves not here. i dont know what to do.