At Kermit's request, a sporking of some Harry/Draco badfic
I CAN USE FONT COLORS FOR SPORKERS AGAIN YAY
Abby, who's she?
That, Ariana, is -
I didn't ask you.
The spork captain, whatever her name is.
Oh.
Harry.... that would be The Quidditch-Playing Idiot Who Saved The Wizarding World From A Raving Madman Who Turned Himself Into A Snake, ja? And Draco... the pretender to the title of Hogwarts' well-groomed, vaguely-homosexual, immensely intelligent, supremely smug, tremendously talented star student, wasn't he? Shall you do the honors, Albus, or should I?
B-but I'm blond! And Dark! Doesn't that distinguish me enough?
Really. Well, then, it falls to me, since that happens to be my -
C-Cassandra Claire MADE me! I'm canonically an arrogant, sneering brat with possible excellent academic performance whose main claim to fame is an annoying obsession with Harry Potter! Please! Mercy! The fanbrats made me do it!
...
MUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! *runs*
You see? There is no need to resort to violence.
Only when your opponent is a cowardly figurehead put into place by a group of idiots...
Disclaimer: I don't own the fic, I don't own HP, and I don't own TRC. ...I also don't own the Sword of Truth series, but you couldn't pay me to claim it, either.
Also... oogh. I'm painfully out of practice. >_<
Being Free to Be Me by Loui
A/N: This fic was inspired by a plot bunny from a list posted to inspire on a mail group I used to belong to that was created for Top!Draco and Bottom!Harry fans.
Guardian's Song: Ah, top!X/bottom!Y. A format oft' infested with screwy sexual-position-equals-gender-role logic. *sigh* (To be fair, I kind of have it the opposite way - more stereotypically-feminine guy dominates. ...I blame getting my early fandom education from fanficrants. -_-;;)
This is the exact wording of the plot bunny challenge:
'Harry enjoys cross-dressing, and not just underwear but EVERYTHING. Underwear, clothes, hair, makeup,
Sounds fine.
behavior,
Um... has he considered getting a sex-change, then?
etc. He gets together with Draco. Would love to see this as an mpreg.'
Please Note
I took this challenge and then went even further. During this story there is going to be reference made to more than one male/male pairing. That is the way the plot bunny worked out in my head. These pairings include Fred/George and Arthur Weasley/another male.
*SIGH* Why must slashfics get Every-Man-Is-Gay-itis? (Ron, by the way, is bashed with a sledgehammer. Make that Every-GOOD-Man-Is-Gay.) 'Tis silly. (And where are the lesbians, while we're at it?)
A lot of attention is paid to Harry's appearance
In other words, "And you thought MOST Suefics were obsessed with clothing?".
and the nature of the relationship he has with Draco.
In other words, "May cause uncontrollable gagging".
Take heed of the warnings for the story. They are there for a reason.
Let's see... "Warnings: OC, Character Death (Harry and/or Draco), Major Fluff, mPreg, OOC, Sexual Content, Twincest, Character Death -- NOT Harry or Draco"
Wait, why is OOC a valid warning?! Why not just write an original fic (or a fic with OCs), if you KNOW you're taking them dramatically OOC?
If they are not your cup of tea then stop and think before you decide to read further.
Since Voldemort doesn't play a factor, and neither does Draco's background beyond ~kewl aristocrat tiemz~, why not just write it as an abused Muggleborn (because Harry angsts about the Dursleys) semi-transsexual hooking up with an oh-so-HAWT aristocrat?
***
***
Harry Potter woke when his pre-set alarm spell indicated that
Ariana: - he was cooked? *sticks a spork in him* Done!
Albus: ...
it was time for him to get up and get ready to go down
Aberforth: - on Malfoy?
Albus: You are saying this?
Aberforth: Merlin knows it's all you ever seem to do with Grindelwald around.
Albus: Aberforth -
Gellert: *unpleasant grin* Oh, we do far more than that. Care for a demonstration, boy?
Albus: *flushes* Gellert!
Gellert: Hmm... I think I prefer it when you scream my name...
Albus: GELLERT! ...And pardon me, but I thought it was typically the other way around.
Gellert: *scowls* Hmph.
Aberforth: *has hands clamped over ears* O.< I'm not hearing a word, I'm not hearing a word...
Ariana: I'm a goat! :D
Aberforth: ...Yeah, that's sounding like a good idea around now...
to the Great Hall for breakfast. It was silent in his bedroom, due to judicious application of Silencing Charms to the occupants so as not to raise the suspicion of the other members of the household. Yeah, Mr. Brilliant? Have you tried Silencing the BEDSPRINGS? The time we did that, we ended up breaking the b- I'MNOTHEARINGAWORDOFTHISI'MNOTHEARINGAWORD- *raises voice* -THE BED DUE TO OUR MOST ENTHUSIASTIC BUGGERY, WHICH I SHALL NOW PROCEED TO DESCRIBE IN EXTREMELY GRAPHIC DETAIL - GELLERT! OOH, IS IT CAPSLOCK TIME NOW? YAY! :D HOW DO YOU DO THIS? ANGSTANGSTANGSTANGST THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN CAPSLOCKING RIGHT? ANGSTANG- ARIANA, BE QUI - IT IS CAPSLOCK TIME! 8D HOORAY! ...Merlin, why me? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT CAPSLOCKING DURING CAPSLOCK TIME, ALBY! BAD ALBY! :D That was still something he had not got used to in the last two weeks;
No, colon! ...Then again, colons should ALWAYS be used to connect sentences of any sort! :D COLONS!!!
Guardian's Song: Oh, goodie. The prehumous portrait of JKR has invaded the sporking again.
Colons! Love can make you say "Yeah, genocide, that'll work!" Harry was protecting a good woman from a vewy, vewy bad man when he cast the Cruciatus, and he's never been a saint! COLONS::::::;;;:;;::
Guardian's Song: ...*sigh*
as Head Boy he got a private room.
Guardian's Song: Um, do you guys know if this is a bonafide British custom or just a fanon plot device? It keeps turning up...
It was the first room that he’d ever had that he truly considered his own. His cupboard had been just that, a cupboard.
Ariana: And this table is just that, a table! And this doorknob is just that, a doorknob! But this was no chicken! This was evil incarnate! >:|
When he’d been moved to Dudley’s ‘second’ bedroom that had been the only way he could look at the room,
Ariana: As a cupboard?
he had never considered it his own. Not even in Grimmauld Place had he felt like he had a place of his own, he’d either been sharing with someone else because there were not enough rooms to go round at the time
Guardian's Song: (Voiceover) The details of which times are covered, in true HP fandom style, in Gangbang In Grimmauld, Banging At the Blacks', Orgies Under Orion's Portrait, Kreacher Feature, Secret-Keepers Make Sexy Peepers, and others fics in the Grand Ol' Grimmauld series...
or the place had felt haunted by too many memories and what-might-have-been’s.
Guardian's Song: (Voiceover) Yes, indeed! If you call now, you can get our Voldemort-won AU spin-off of our acclaimed Grand Ol' Grimmauld series- Decadent Death-Eater Delights - for only $19.99 extra! Remember! 1-800-PWP-FICS! That's 1-800-PWP-FICS! Call now!
This truly was the first room that he felt he could claim has his own.
It was ironic really because he had honestly not expected to be made Head Boy.
Gellert: Everyone with brains, ability, or generally any qualifications whatsoever either died or fled the country during the war, then?
He had not been a prefect in fifth year.
Guardian's Song: Well, imagine if he HAD...
(Harry) I HATE EVERYTHING! TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! FIFTY POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN! CHO BROKE UP WITH ME AND MARIETTA EDGECOMBE WAS A TRAITOR! ONE HUNDRED POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW! LUNA WAS NICE TO ME! ONE HUNDRED AND ONE POINTS TO RAVENCLAW! AND FIVE POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF FOR EXISTING! AND THREE POINTS FROM POTTECLEAN! THAT TEAPCUP WAS GLARING AT ME! NO ONE LOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEE! *FLAILFLAILFLAIL*
Sixth year had been devoted to managing to stay alive,
Albus: Was sitting around and waiting for plot points to fall into his lap that dangerous?
Gellert: *laughs* Albus, this is Potter! Recall that he can be hidden in a reasonably comfortable, well-protected location and, somehow, do exactly the one thing that will cause him and his friends to be captured, thrown into a dungeon, and tortured - when he knew the consequences! His ineptitude is beyond comprehension!
Albus: ...Ah, yes. It is, isn't it. ...Remind me again why he was prophesied to have the power the Dark Lord knew not?
Gellert: The power not to have one's Killing Curse rebound in one's face, you mean?
Albus: Ah, that's right. ...Well, he was never proven to have that power, actually, since he never used the Killing Curse...
Gellert: Blast. You're right. ...The power of having the author on your side, perhaps?
and, in what had become a tradition of being in mortal peril at the end of the school year,
Gellert: - fought with all his might, cunning, intelligence, and skill in an epic, immensely difficult, death-defying, thrilling attempt to escape a paper bag. (In the end, he didn't actually escape it, but rather had it lifted off his head by a Deus Ex Machina having something vaguely to do with the future Albus or the future Albus's pet phoenix. Nevertheless, the future Albus gave Potter a long, saccharine speech on how it proved what an amazing, loving boy he was and why everyone should fall to his knees and worship his incompetence, for his incompetence was only a sign of his incredible ability to love.)
he’d done what no-one expected him to be able to do, and he’d
Gellert: - read a book for reasons not having to do with homework or his friend Granger's nagging?
killed Voldemort.
Albus: I thought Riddle died, as a rule, by means of his own magic or plans rebounding upon himself?
Gellert: I have the odd suspicion the author wouldn't know canon if it danced naked in front of her.
Dumbledore had told him on the first day of term that he was the sole choice of the entire surviving teaching staff for the position of Head Boy, Severus Snape having committed ritual suicide when he was informed of the decision of the rest of the staff.
Gellert: So every other male student possessed of any competence whatsoever had died or left the country at that time?
Albus: One must give them the benefit of the doubt... it could have been for publicity reasons.
He’d argued that Ron Weasley
Gellert: A sad commentary on Potter's competence level, considering how reminiscient Weasley is of your brother.
Aberforth: You think I'd even be interested in a position invented just for lording it over everyone else?
Ariana: He's the goats' sole choice!
Gellert: *snorts* And anyone else's?
Ariana: He's mine!
Albus: ...And no other comment is necessary.
Aberforth: *pats her on the back* ...You're a good girl, Ariana...
or even Draco Malfoy would be better suited to the role. Dumbledore had just smiled one of his enigmatic smiles
Albus: *twinkle*
Aberforth: The surefire warning sign he's planning something so damn stupid any kid old enough to speak could point out the holes. ...Yeah, Ariana, no need to say it, I'm sure the goats could, too.
Albus: *loftily* You merely fail to understand -
Aberforth: - how you're the one everyone thinks is least funny in the head? Yeah, I do.
and said that everything happened for a reason,
Albus: Not all reasons are pleasant ones, author.
even this choice.
He’d decided he couldn’t be bothered arguing with the old man any more.
Aberforth: That's what I said the last twenty-seven times or so...
Gellert: *unpleasant smile* You want to never argue with Albus again? Oh, I'd be quite happy to arrange that, you idiotic brat...
Aberforth: *snarls*
Ariana: ...*unhappy*
Besides, the privacy had come in handy from the stares and whispered comments that still tended to be his greeting in a room, and the horrified screams that still tended to be his greeting in bed. He still didn’t remember the events that had occurred that night, and, to be honest, he hoped he never did. He really couldn’t care less if it infuriated the reporters and historians of the Wizarding world. The bad guy was dead, the good guys had won. Why couldn’t the people of the Wizarding world be happy with that?
Guardian's Song: I've been noticing a disturbing trend of 'REALLY not trying AT ALL, and SHAMELESS about it' in fanfic recently. I mean... I mocked Angels and Devils, but it implied that the final battle (which it skipped) had been Most Vicious - Harry spent months in a coma afterwards. And even Little Miss Mary had Voldemort's brains dissolving (he read the fic, you see). This?! This is TAKING PRIDE in its own laziness!
...I have philosophical objections to people who brag about their own lack of ability at the most fundamental level. I actually, as of right now, dislike this author more than Cassandra Claire. Wow.
The three-ring circus that had happened after he had become the Hero Who Lived [not my boldface]- what an idiotic title - had convinced him of one thing, though. He’d done his bit for the Wizarding world. Twice, if you counted the first time when he had been a baby.
Gellert: You bawled and likely soiled your diaper as the Dark Lord got himself in the face due to your mother's sacrificial protection, you imbecile.
He wasn’t going to let fear of rejection by his friends, or denigration by people who couldn’t accept his nature, stand in his way any more.
Gellert: (Potter) I decided to be out-and-proud as a Deus-Ex-Machina-magnet.
He’d known his true nature since long before he started Hogwarts, not that he’d ever told a soul. Anyway, who would he have told?
Gellert: (Potter) This "fourth wall" thing kept appearing when I tried.
==
Harry barely noticed the imposing sight of Draco Malfoy
Gellert: *snorts* Those last six words form an oxymoron.
walking towards him down the corridor. He was practically incoherent with the rage that he was doing his best to hold in.
Ariana: (Harry) *BOOMFLAIL*
He didn’t want to accidentally hurt anybody.
Ariana: ...I know how that feels...
“Potter” and an amicable nod from his former rival were his greeting at King's Cross, as Draco continued in the opposite direction down the corridor.
Harry summoned a nod of polite greeting for one of the few people that had treated him with respect since his revelation of his true nature.
Gellert: Namely, another vastly out-of-character Stu.
It was not Draco Malfoy he was currently angry at. It was the author who had made him into a girl with male genitalia.
Harry kept walking but slowed when he heard Draco’s footsteps stop and the other boy call out, “Potter… Harry… what’s happened?”
Sighing, Harry turned, and felt the last of his immediate rage canon characterization crumble in the face of the genuine concern the other boy was expressing. He’d known the other boy long enough to discern a lie from a truth
Albus: *sighs* The trick is to convince them that they know when you're lying, and then you may lie with impunity.
and the way Draco Malfoy had interacted with him since they came back to school had been nothing but truthful.
Albus: Again, once they are confident, they are yours.
Anger and disappointment still fermented
Ariana: *drinks anger and disappointment* Hee hee hee... Abby, ya wan' shome? 8D *stumbles about* 'S niiiiiiishe *HIC*...
Aberforth: ...That seems a bit strong, Ariana... give it here.
Ariana: Why? Plenny f'r alla' ush! :D *HIC*
under the surface of the new-found calm that Draco Malfoy’s presence seemed to instill in him, though.
Ariana: Abby'sh a good Abby. *clumsily attempts to pet him, ends up smacking his ear* Yesh, Abby ish a very good Abby.
Aberforth: ...*puts arm around her shoulders* Ariana, maybe you should lie down...
Ariana: Bu' I'm naaah sleepy! *HIC* :D
Wordlessly, Harry fumbled into the pocket of his Gladrags designer pinafore, and handed over the crumpled piece of parchment that had caused his latest fit of temper and heartache. "They canceled the Spring Special Sale this year - how could they? I had been planning my schedule for that for MONTHS!"
Not opening the crumpled ball yet, Draco Malfoy instead asked, “Who gave you this?”
“Professor McGonagall sent a note asking me to meet her as soon as I finished lunch.
“She rather apologetically informed me that she’d been handed the parchment you are currently holding in your hands by the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
“Ron was always one to hold a grudge. He didn’t like getting points taken this early in term, or yet another detention. I reminded him that, in canon, my middle name is Detention-Potter-And-Ten-Points-From-Gryffindor, and he relaxed grudgingly. He was told last year that if he got more than three detentions this year that it would have to be permanently registered on his academic record.
Gellert: *waves it off* Bah. When you become a Dark Lord, no one cares about your academic record.
Guardian's Song: Sporker Lord, in his case, but agreed.
Albus: B-but it's his academic record... It's important for his future...
Aberforth: Yeah, yeah. I've told you I don't plan to do anything bloody important!
Albus: Aberforth, you need to become serious about your schooling. You realize you can't exchange black marks for prizes when you collect enough of them, don't you?!
Aberforth: Eh, I always found playing connect-the-dots with them more fun...
“Unlike most of my detentions in the last couple of years, his weren’t to cover training sessions with the teaching staff.”
Guardian's Song: I had to reread that sentence a few times to comprehend the meaning. And - that's what YOU think, Mary-Sue. In reality, Snape and Dumbledore have been training him in the Art of the Spork....
Draco had unravelled the crumpled ball in his hands during Harry’s overly calm recitation of the day’s chain of events and had quickly read through the parchment.
“They’ve voted the best Seeker the school has ever seen off of their Quidditch team?
Guardian's Song: I thought he was just the best Seeker in a CENTURY, and youngest Seeker ever. Or was he just the youngest Seeker in a century? *has not reread PS/SS in forever*
The bastards!”
Harry couldn’t hold back a small smile at that. Draco Malfoy had been the best Seeker in the school apart from him.
Guardian's Song: Arguably because Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are the Houses of Supporting Characters and Misc. Extras, respectively.
If the rest of the Slytherin team weren’t such out and out ‘foul’ players - pardon the pun - then he would have had a better chance for a good win record. Because cheating... decreases your changes of winning, apparently. As it was, it hadn’t mattered how many times Draco caught the Snitch.
Albus: While Slytherin House has a most unpleasant reputation, I do believe they are neither dishonorable enough nor stupid enough to attempt to catch the Golden Snitch repeatedly.
The number of fouls his team-mates normally wracked up RACKED up during a game usually ended up evening out the points total in favour of the opposition.
Guardian's Song: Actually, aren't they canonically very good at not getting caught by the referees?
As a house, Gryffindor could approach their Head of House to overrule a decision made on their behalf by one of their house-mates that held a position of responsibility within the house, if they felt it was a poor decision. Nobody had done so.
Albus: *sigh* That would be because one person does not a House make.
The only person today that had shown any anger about the unfairness of kicking him off of the team - nobody with half a brain cell would believe the rot about being worried that opposing teams would feel obligated to let the Hero Who Won win
Guardian's Song: Well, if I was an HP character with some meta sense, I would kind of feel obligated - authorial opinion and all...
- was an opposing team’s star player.
“You’re ready to spit nails, aren’t you?”
Aberforth: Ariana, nails are bad for you and hurt, all right? You shouldn't try it.
Ariana: *HIC* All righ', Abby. *puts down nails*
Harry didn’t even dignify that with a response, and Draco laughed at the expression he pulled.
“All right, I admit that was a daft question.”
“Even the densest among them can be taught with a little patience,” announced Harry to the empty corridor, in a pious and wondering tone.
Guardian's Song: (Ron) Hey, that should have been MY line, paraphrased! "Bloody hell, even Malfoy's learned. If a Snurmple-Horned Corkack or whatever it's called comes running across the Quidditch pitch, tell me, wil you?"
...Or something like that. I'm far inferior to JKR. :D;;
“Ooh, catty. This little Gryffindor Lion has claws, doesn’t he?”
Aberforth: Yeah, all pink and polished...
Draco was grinning at him, and his eyes were twinkling
Albus: *COUGH* Excuse me, that is MY mannerism, Mr. Malfoy...
Draco: I tell you, the fans make me! D:
like they had two days before when he had defended Harry against Ron’s taunts of "Malfoy-Sue! Malfoy-Sue!" and his Gryffindor year-mates’ indifference. In reality, the Gryffindors had merely become very, very used to Sues flouncing through Hogwarts, to the point where they took bets on Dumbledore-versus-Stu matches, how Ron would get mauled this time, and how long it would take Voldemort to bring Harry to orgasm.
Harry felt himself blushing again. His former rival seemed to be having that effect on him a lot lately.
Albus: I do believe some poisons have that effect...
“You need to let off some steam,” announced Draco.
Ariana: (Harry) FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! *lets out steam*
Fai D. Fluorite: Did someone call me? ...No? All right. Fweeeee~~ *bounces off*
Gellert: *makes a note* And while we're finding the Hallows, I'll take that coat...
Harry rolled his eyes. Gift for the obvious there, or what?
Guardian's Song: Little did Harry know Fanon!Draco was descended from Edward Cullen's long-lost twin brother.
“Meow,” was Draco’s amused reply. "Meow," growled one of Das Mervin's cats, clawing the pretender's pointy face off.
“Oh, shut up,” said Harry, half in embarrassment and half in amusement. “Do you have something sensible you want to say to me, Draco Malfoy, or should I just go punch one of the mirrors in my room?”
Albus: *tints slightly red* They have the most interesting euphemisms for that these days...
Gellert: What? ...Ah. *leers* So, shall we -
Aberforth: Ariana, let's leave the room.
Ariana: *hic* Okay! *begins to do so*
Aberforth: Ariana, what are you - NOT BY THE WINDOW! *runs over*
Harry didn’t expect what happened next. Draco quickly moved into his personal space and began to "punch his mirror" - GELLERT! lifted one of his hands to his lips, kissing it in a gesture straight out of one of the historical romances that his Aunt Petunia used to deny reading when his Uncle Vernon taunted her about them. Harry used to rescue them from the bin when he was younger. He hadn’t had a family member to practice his reading with when he first started school.
Gellert: Aberforth, meanwhile, is still practicing his reading with a family member.
Aberforth: *attempting to coax Ariana away from the window and convince her that the best way to leave the room is through a door* Come on, Ariana, if you come along and go to sleep, you can read me a bedtime story beforehand... Stop laughing, Grindelwald.
He’d taught himself using those books. He hadn’t understood all the words back then, but he had loved the stories, and the love stories they contained.
Albus: *sighs* I remember the first time Mother read me The Tales of Beedle the Bard... Mother and Father gave me very strange looks when I suggested the Warlock simply court a boy if he didn't like girls.
Gellert: *snickers*
“No, no. We can’t have you marring such pretty hands, Harry.
Guardian's Song: (Canon!Harry) Sod off, Malfoy. *punches Malfoy with one "pretty hand"*
I tell you what. You’ve got free periods
Guardian's Song: In context of this fic, that sounds like something dispensed by a sadistic, idiot-hating omnipotent being.
(SIHOB) Would you like a free period, miss?
(Airhead) Sure!
(SIHOB) *snicker* Here you go!
(Airhead) Thanks! *begins to get menstrual cramps* ...Wait a moment...
this afternoon the same as I do, right?
“Nip back to your room and change into some "exercise" clothes. The ones that strip themselves off, the socks that double as comfortable restraints, the vibrating undershirts, I'm sure you understand what sets I'm talking about... *leers* Gel- What was that about the socks? I’m sure you’ve got some pretty ones that you’ve been dying to show off to someone.
“Meet me outside the Room of Requirement in half an hour and we can have a "sparring session". I’m a black-belt in several Wizarding "martial marital arts" and can at least keep "up" with you in a "sparring duel" with you for at least an hour without interruption. You may knock me about a bit, I like that, but I guarantee I’ll give climaxes as good as I get.”
Gellert: *BLINKS*
Albus: Now, Gellert, I could hardly let you have all the fun...
Aberforth: *in another room* Ariana, could you read Grumble the Grubby Goat louder?
Ariana: *yawns* Oh, sure! :D Mmmm... where was I? Oh, here... "Baaaaaaaaaa," bleated Grumble, annoyed by the flies...'
Harry gaped at the other boy, amazed at the offer he was making for only five galleons. “Why are you being so nice to me, Draco?”
Draco shrugged in response and said, “It’s time for a truly absurd amount of OOCness and dearth of logic in order to move the plot along, don’t you think? I don’t have to worry about my parents the Muggle Rowling forcing their opinions some semblance of sanity and coherence down my throat any more, nor do I have to worry about having to fulfil some insane notion of an family obligation to the fabric of reality itself madman you killed for us all.
“You’re a good person, Harry Potter, and thus, your incompetence is eternally excused as "But he wins against vastly more intelligent, skilled, and competent opponents because of LOVE! How could you miss that theme?!" We may be thanked, at least, that in canon, you’were not bloody gorgeous to boot. You would have to be a deaf and blind idiot not to notice. Alternatively, you could just be an author who thinks any semblance of canon characterization is optional. I am not an idiot,
Ron Weasley: OBJECTION!
though it seems as if most of your crazy bloody house is the embodiment of idiocy this year.
Guardian's Song: They hold canon nearest and dearest to their hearts, and they were set upon by Sues. You do the math. (Whether they were attacked by the Mould on the Would Child Molesters' Association ((c) JKR Leaves Invisible Subtext In For Her More Adult Readers subsection of fandom) is up to your personal interpretation.)
“I’d like the chance to get to know the real you.
Guardian's Song: (Canon!Harry) Hell, I'd just like the real me BACK.
It seems like it would be something that would be well worth the effort of doing.”
“Friends?” asked Harry, hopefully. He had missed having someone to talk to and to hang out with.
Guardian's Song: Really? In canon, he seemed rather asocial...
Draco invaded Harry’s personal space again
Guardian's Song: What is with the author's obsession with personal space?
and used a gentle finger to tilt his chin up to meet Draco’s gaze. Harry’s world narrowed to the full lips heading towards his own
Guardian's Song: What's the obsession with "full lips", anyway? Are thin lips truly considered THAT hideous? Eh. I just feel like it's more feminization. Alas, poor Ronnie. Your only sin was having too much testosterone.
and he gasped in horror at the soft kiss that Draco pressed to his lips. Draco then stepped back and said, “Friends, definitely. With the possibility of more if it’s what we both want to happen.
Gellert: And what if your audience doesn't?
“Are you okay with that, Harry?”
Pressing his fingers to the lips Draco had just kissed,
Guardian's Song: As opposed to what? The lips of his labia?
Albus and Gellert: ...
Aberforth: *tucking Ariana in* And now you lot know how I feel.
Harry nodded wordlessly. He couldn’t have spoken a coherent sentence just then, not even if his life depended on it. If the plot depended upon it, though, he would prove himself Dumbledore's worthy successor as infodumper of the Light.
Draco grinned, gently turning him round and sending him on his way with a gentle pat to his bum, and saying, “Scoot, then. I’ll see you in magical restraints within half an hour, Harry.”
Harry obediently scooted.
**
Twenty-five minutes later, Harry was nervously standing erect outside the entrance to the Room of Requirement and waiting on Draco, clad in only a towel-toga, as befitted a House Elf. His heartbeat calmed when he saw Draco walking steadily along the corridor to meet him.
“Someone who can still look gorgeous, even when working to a deadline, I am impressed.”
Albus: It is a wonderful thing, isn't it? *smiles at Gellert suggestively*
Gellert: *grins back*
Guardian's Song: Now, boys, the chapter's ending soon... You can jump on each other and scar Aberforth's mind then.
Albus: Well, I wouldn't want to -
Gellert: Ah, I forgot all about that! All the better! *begins stripping Albus*
Aberforth: Could you snore louder, Ariana?
Ariana: Zzzzzz... wha'? Oh, okay... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZ...
Harry felt his cheeks burn with Fiendfyre pleasure at Draco’s comment and frankly admiring assessment.
Draco’s features were slightly softer than his father’s had been, but were still pointy enough to sent women screaming into the night when he offered oral sex. At six foot two, Draco was now too powerfully built to be Slytherin’s Seeker of "Wands" and was now firmly ensconced in the role of a Chaser of Arse.
Guardian's Song: Ah, yes. Draco is now a Manly Man, as per almost all strict-gender-role fics.
I will now add, as the author obviously forgot to mention it, that Ron, at six foot seven, was the epitome of manhood (and awesomeness), striking fear into every Sue's heart and lustful admiration into every sporker's.
Bulstrode’s younger brother had taken over the Seeker of "Wands" role; at least that is what the Slytherin fourth years had been full of talk about at lunch yesterday as he eagerly serviced them all - GELLERT!.
His body was toned from years of watersports
Guardian's Song: ...I am so sorry.
and martial marital arts training, his dress sense was impeccable,
Albus: *cough* Pardon...
Draco: The fandom makes me!
Albus: It must - why, I don't see even a single mention of purple or midnight blue regarding your clothing...
his hair was the fabled Malfoy white-blond,
Guardian's Song: Out of curiosity, why is that considered sexy? For me, at least, it's a color that chickened out of being pure white but wasn't good enough to manage being yellow. :P
and he had the kind of good looks that Muggle models and movie stars would kill for. Mostly poor Tom Felton and Rupert Grint. He was also richer than sin and was the sole heir to the Malfoy fortune - which was legitimate, in spite of what Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy had spent it on.
Guardian's Song: Why is it assumed the Malfoys (or, in other fics, Blacks) are REALLY rich? I can excuse it if there's a valid, non-overpowered reason, but... dude, they're rich and have a manor. It doesn't mean they could buy and sell the Ministry several times over.
At seventeen, Draco was Lord Malfoy,
Guardian's Song: Also?
I HATE the use of the title of "Lord" for anything but Lord-power-level wizards. Yes, I realize there's actual precedent in the British class system. However, with Dark Lords using it as a title of power, it means something in the Wizarding World beyond what it means in ours, and so it seems hideously conceited. *sigh* *is a nitpicker*
and was the catch of the Wizarding world. Once this had been declared, an immediate mass-emigration from Wizarding England took place, leaving only those who were both stupid and blind. More to the point, since the Wizarding world accepted male/male marriages as the norm and Draco was openly bi,
Guardian's Song: *sigh* 4 Teh Kewlies, of course.
he was the prize catch out there for every eligible witch and wizard of suitable social status.
Every Heterosexual Wizard And Lesbian Witch: ...
They were similarly dressed for their "sparring session". Their shoes, trousers, and pants would be shed when they began "sparring", as it was best to do that in bare feet and cloth tended to get in the way of certain activities. Loose drawstring trousers for ease of shedding, a sleeveless vest to allow for maximum movement in the bedroom, and wand holsters Ah, those are those "condoms"? on their wand arms Although I don't think they're quite used that way..,. Draco’s ensemble was charcoal grey.
Harry’s trousers were black, his top was Gryffindor red. He had a sports bra on under the top and he’d been transfixed when he’d stared at himself in the mirror before heading out to meet Draco. His scream of pure horror had echoed off the walls before the author could put him back under Imperius. Draco’s acceptance of him had given him the courage to not wear any robes to cover his exercise clothes on the way to meet him. His body looked beautiful to virginal Saint Mungo's Sealed Ward patients, and he had decided that, damn it, he would not be ashamed or hesitant about showing how happy he was now.
Guardian's Song: He was before?
“Imagine us a "training room", Harry,” said Draco with a smile. "Complete with whips, ropes, gags, beds, hard wooden desks, socks, instructional books illustrated in exquisite detail, potions, certain fascinating devices, suggestions of various spells of dubious legality to enhance the experience, GOATS-" ...O_o >_< ...>_>;; ...-_-;; ...o_o Did I say something wrong?
Smiling happily, Harry complied with Draco’s instruction. He was looking forward to having some fun.
**
Three hours later, laughing and chatting all the way, Draco escorted Harry back to his room. They’d skipped dinner, but had called Dobby to pass a message on to their respective Heads of House explaining that they had been engaged in a friendly "spar" and would exercise Harry’s privilege as Head Boy and call for a meal in his private rooms. Snape, as always, had relished the opportunity to take points from Gryffindor.
Draco waited until Harry had opened the door and entered his quarters before heading off to his own Prefect’s Dormitory in the Slytherin dungeons, promising to “see you in my bed in an hour, Harry.”
Inside the sanctuary of his rooms, Harry smiled and shut his eyes, whirling around in a circle with his arms out to embrace the world.
Ariana: Oh, yes, I do that! :D WHEEEEE! ...*manages to slam into door* 8D FUN.
The "sparring session" had been great fun,
Albus: Oh, I'm sure it was. *twinkle*
and a welcome release.
Albus: O_O
Gellert: *shrugs* It seems you understood correctly...
Draco was the closest match he’d had in ages, and that included the Aurors he had "trained" against in the past, for, alas, their flexibility and power did not survive the transfer to the bedroom. The Aurors may know some different spells, but Draco’s knowledge base of spells was more varied (Auror training, unlike Hit Wizard and Unspeakable training, not even having an option for undercover seduction missions), and his martial marital arts skills second to none.
Harry had won their "spar", but it had not been an easy match. Ja, ja, it had been quite hard. Very hard. And sweaty. And... *getting rather distracted* They’d already made plans to make their "sparring" a regular - dare he think it - date. They’d both had a lot of fun.
Pulling himself together, Harry grabbed one of his cream terrycloth shortie bathrobe as the author's clothing fetish continued to take over the fic. He had just enough time to have a quick wank in the shower and select some decent clothes in time for Draco’s return, but only if he stopped daydreaming.
**
Exactly an hour after Draco had left him there was a knock on Harry’s door. Harry moved to open it and let his guest into his rooms. Draco looked sensational in dark trousers and a grey silk shirt. I, meanwhile, have been told I look better in nothing at all. *grins* *maintaining concentration on spork with great difficulty*
Harry laughed at the potted cactus that Draco handed over to him,
Guardian's Song: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FIC!HARRY'S BELLA SWAN!
saying it was for “His prickly-loving Gryffindor Lion.”
{snip next few paragraphs*
Harry shed all such thoughts from his mind and turned all his attention to having dinner with his newest friend, his right hand.
And that's the end of Chapter 2-
Albus and Gellert: *pounce on each other*
Aberforth: *shields eyes and drags Ariana out of room*
Ariana: *glances over her shoulder before the door shuts*
Ahem. Anyway. :D I'm... probably not sporking anything more for the next few weeks. Finals are beginning to hit, and... yeah. Well, at least I got this chapter of this badfic out of the way. :D;; Hooray! *
Abby, who's she?
That, Ariana, is -
I didn't ask you.
The spork captain, whatever her name is.
Oh.
Harry.... that would be The Quidditch-Playing Idiot Who Saved The Wizarding World From A Raving Madman Who Turned Himself Into A Snake, ja? And Draco... the pretender to the title of Hogwarts' well-groomed, vaguely-homosexual, immensely intelligent, supremely smug, tremendously talented star student, wasn't he? Shall you do the honors, Albus, or should I?
B-but I'm blond! And Dark! Doesn't that distinguish me enough?
Really. Well, then, it falls to me, since that happens to be my -
C-Cassandra Claire MADE me! I'm canonically an arrogant, sneering brat with possible excellent academic performance whose main claim to fame is an annoying obsession with Harry Potter! Please! Mercy! The fanbrats made me do it!
...
MUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! *runs*
You see? There is no need to resort to violence.
Only when your opponent is a cowardly figurehead put into place by a group of idiots...
Disclaimer: I don't own the fic, I don't own HP, and I don't own TRC. ...I also don't own the Sword of Truth series, but you couldn't pay me to claim it, either.
Also... oogh. I'm painfully out of practice. >_<
Being Free to Be Me by Loui
A/N: This fic was inspired by a plot bunny from a list posted to inspire on a mail group I used to belong to that was created for Top!Draco and Bottom!Harry fans.
Guardian's Song: Ah, top!X/bottom!Y. A format oft' infested with screwy sexual-position-equals-gender-role logic. *sigh* (To be fair, I kind of have it the opposite way - more stereotypically-feminine guy dominates. ...I blame getting my early fandom education from fanficrants. -_-;;)
This is the exact wording of the plot bunny challenge:
'Harry enjoys cross-dressing, and not just underwear but EVERYTHING. Underwear, clothes, hair, makeup,
Sounds fine.
behavior,
Um... has he considered getting a sex-change, then?
etc. He gets together with Draco. Would love to see this as an mpreg.'
Please Note
I took this challenge and then went even further. During this story there is going to be reference made to more than one male/male pairing. That is the way the plot bunny worked out in my head. These pairings include Fred/George and Arthur Weasley/another male.
*SIGH* Why must slashfics get Every-Man-Is-Gay-itis? (Ron, by the way, is bashed with a sledgehammer. Make that Every-GOOD-Man-Is-Gay.) 'Tis silly. (And where are the lesbians, while we're at it?)
A lot of attention is paid to Harry's appearance
In other words, "And you thought MOST Suefics were obsessed with clothing?".
and the nature of the relationship he has with Draco.
In other words, "May cause uncontrollable gagging".
Take heed of the warnings for the story. They are there for a reason.
Let's see... "Warnings: OC, Character Death (Harry and/or Draco), Major Fluff, mPreg, OOC, Sexual Content, Twincest, Character Death -- NOT Harry or Draco"
Wait, why is OOC a valid warning?! Why not just write an original fic (or a fic with OCs), if you KNOW you're taking them dramatically OOC?
If they are not your cup of tea then stop and think before you decide to read further.
Since Voldemort doesn't play a factor, and neither does Draco's background beyond ~kewl aristocrat tiemz~, why not just write it as an abused Muggleborn (because Harry angsts about the Dursleys) semi-transsexual hooking up with an oh-so-HAWT aristocrat?
***
***
Harry Potter woke when his pre-set alarm spell indicated that
Ariana: - he was cooked? *sticks a spork in him* Done!
Albus: ...
it was time for him to get up and get ready to go down
Aberforth: - on Malfoy?
Albus: You are saying this?
Aberforth: Merlin knows it's all you ever seem to do with Grindelwald around.
Albus: Aberforth -
Gellert: *unpleasant grin* Oh, we do far more than that. Care for a demonstration, boy?
Albus: *flushes* Gellert!
Gellert: Hmm... I think I prefer it when you scream my name...
Albus: GELLERT! ...And pardon me, but I thought it was typically the other way around.
Gellert: *scowls* Hmph.
Aberforth: *has hands clamped over ears* O.< I'm not hearing a word, I'm not hearing a word...
Ariana: I'm a goat! :D
Aberforth: ...Yeah, that's sounding like a good idea around now...
to the Great Hall for breakfast. It was silent in his bedroom, due to judicious application of Silencing Charms to the occupants so as not to raise the suspicion of the other members of the household. Yeah, Mr. Brilliant? Have you tried Silencing the BEDSPRINGS? The time we did that, we ended up breaking the b- I'MNOTHEARINGAWORDOFTHISI'MNOTHEARINGAWORD- *raises voice* -THE BED DUE TO OUR MOST ENTHUSIASTIC BUGGERY, WHICH I SHALL NOW PROCEED TO DESCRIBE IN EXTREMELY GRAPHIC DETAIL - GELLERT! OOH, IS IT CAPSLOCK TIME NOW? YAY! :D HOW DO YOU DO THIS? ANGSTANGSTANGSTANGST THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN CAPSLOCKING RIGHT? ANGSTANG- ARIANA, BE QUI - IT IS CAPSLOCK TIME! 8D HOORAY! ...Merlin, why me? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT CAPSLOCKING DURING CAPSLOCK TIME, ALBY! BAD ALBY! :D That was still something he had not got used to in the last two weeks;
No, colon! ...Then again, colons should ALWAYS be used to connect sentences of any sort! :D COLONS!!!
Guardian's Song: Oh, goodie. The prehumous portrait of JKR has invaded the sporking again.
Colons! Love can make you say "Yeah, genocide, that'll work!" Harry was protecting a good woman from a vewy, vewy bad man when he cast the Cruciatus, and he's never been a saint! COLONS::::::;;;:;;::
Guardian's Song: ...*sigh*
as Head Boy he got a private room.
Guardian's Song: Um, do you guys know if this is a bonafide British custom or just a fanon plot device? It keeps turning up...
It was the first room that he’d ever had that he truly considered his own. His cupboard had been just that, a cupboard.
Ariana: And this table is just that, a table! And this doorknob is just that, a doorknob! But this was no chicken! This was evil incarnate! >:|
When he’d been moved to Dudley’s ‘second’ bedroom that had been the only way he could look at the room,
Ariana: As a cupboard?
he had never considered it his own. Not even in Grimmauld Place had he felt like he had a place of his own, he’d either been sharing with someone else because there were not enough rooms to go round at the time
Guardian's Song: (Voiceover) The details of which times are covered, in true HP fandom style, in Gangbang In Grimmauld, Banging At the Blacks', Orgies Under Orion's Portrait, Kreacher Feature, Secret-Keepers Make Sexy Peepers, and others fics in the Grand Ol' Grimmauld series...
or the place had felt haunted by too many memories and what-might-have-been’s.
Guardian's Song: (Voiceover) Yes, indeed! If you call now, you can get our Voldemort-won AU spin-off of our acclaimed Grand Ol' Grimmauld series- Decadent Death-Eater Delights - for only $19.99 extra! Remember! 1-800-PWP-FICS! That's 1-800-PWP-FICS! Call now!
This truly was the first room that he felt he could claim has his own.
It was ironic really because he had honestly not expected to be made Head Boy.
Gellert: Everyone with brains, ability, or generally any qualifications whatsoever either died or fled the country during the war, then?
He had not been a prefect in fifth year.
Guardian's Song: Well, imagine if he HAD...
(Harry) I HATE EVERYTHING! TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! FIFTY POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN! CHO BROKE UP WITH ME AND MARIETTA EDGECOMBE WAS A TRAITOR! ONE HUNDRED POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW! LUNA WAS NICE TO ME! ONE HUNDRED AND ONE POINTS TO RAVENCLAW! AND FIVE POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF FOR EXISTING! AND THREE POINTS FROM POTTECLEAN! THAT TEAPCUP WAS GLARING AT ME! NO ONE LOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEE! *FLAILFLAILFLAIL*
Sixth year had been devoted to managing to stay alive,
Albus: Was sitting around and waiting for plot points to fall into his lap that dangerous?
Gellert: *laughs* Albus, this is Potter! Recall that he can be hidden in a reasonably comfortable, well-protected location and, somehow, do exactly the one thing that will cause him and his friends to be captured, thrown into a dungeon, and tortured - when he knew the consequences! His ineptitude is beyond comprehension!
Albus: ...Ah, yes. It is, isn't it. ...Remind me again why he was prophesied to have the power the Dark Lord knew not?
Gellert: The power not to have one's Killing Curse rebound in one's face, you mean?
Albus: Ah, that's right. ...Well, he was never proven to have that power, actually, since he never used the Killing Curse...
Gellert: Blast. You're right. ...The power of having the author on your side, perhaps?
and, in what had become a tradition of being in mortal peril at the end of the school year,
Gellert: - fought with all his might, cunning, intelligence, and skill in an epic, immensely difficult, death-defying, thrilling attempt to escape a paper bag. (In the end, he didn't actually escape it, but rather had it lifted off his head by a Deus Ex Machina having something vaguely to do with the future Albus or the future Albus's pet phoenix. Nevertheless, the future Albus gave Potter a long, saccharine speech on how it proved what an amazing, loving boy he was and why everyone should fall to his knees and worship his incompetence, for his incompetence was only a sign of his incredible ability to love.)
he’d done what no-one expected him to be able to do, and he’d
Gellert: - read a book for reasons not having to do with homework or his friend Granger's nagging?
killed Voldemort.
Albus: I thought Riddle died, as a rule, by means of his own magic or plans rebounding upon himself?
Gellert: I have the odd suspicion the author wouldn't know canon if it danced naked in front of her.
Dumbledore had told him on the first day of term that he was the sole choice of the entire surviving teaching staff for the position of Head Boy, Severus Snape having committed ritual suicide when he was informed of the decision of the rest of the staff.
Gellert: So every other male student possessed of any competence whatsoever had died or left the country at that time?
Albus: One must give them the benefit of the doubt... it could have been for publicity reasons.
He’d argued that Ron Weasley
Gellert: A sad commentary on Potter's competence level, considering how reminiscient Weasley is of your brother.
Aberforth: You think I'd even be interested in a position invented just for lording it over everyone else?
Ariana: He's the goats' sole choice!
Gellert: *snorts* And anyone else's?
Ariana: He's mine!
Albus: ...And no other comment is necessary.
Aberforth: *pats her on the back* ...You're a good girl, Ariana...
or even Draco Malfoy would be better suited to the role. Dumbledore had just smiled one of his enigmatic smiles
Albus: *twinkle*
Aberforth: The surefire warning sign he's planning something so damn stupid any kid old enough to speak could point out the holes. ...Yeah, Ariana, no need to say it, I'm sure the goats could, too.
Albus: *loftily* You merely fail to understand -
Aberforth: - how you're the one everyone thinks is least funny in the head? Yeah, I do.
and said that everything happened for a reason,
Albus: Not all reasons are pleasant ones, author.
even this choice.
He’d decided he couldn’t be bothered arguing with the old man any more.
Aberforth: That's what I said the last twenty-seven times or so...
Gellert: *unpleasant smile* You want to never argue with Albus again? Oh, I'd be quite happy to arrange that, you idiotic brat...
Aberforth: *snarls*
Ariana: ...*unhappy*
Besides, the privacy had come in handy from the stares and whispered comments that still tended to be his greeting in a room, and the horrified screams that still tended to be his greeting in bed. He still didn’t remember the events that had occurred that night, and, to be honest, he hoped he never did. He really couldn’t care less if it infuriated the reporters and historians of the Wizarding world. The bad guy was dead, the good guys had won. Why couldn’t the people of the Wizarding world be happy with that?
Guardian's Song: I've been noticing a disturbing trend of 'REALLY not trying AT ALL, and SHAMELESS about it' in fanfic recently. I mean... I mocked Angels and Devils, but it implied that the final battle (which it skipped) had been Most Vicious - Harry spent months in a coma afterwards. And even Little Miss Mary had Voldemort's brains dissolving (he read the fic, you see). This?! This is TAKING PRIDE in its own laziness!
...I have philosophical objections to people who brag about their own lack of ability at the most fundamental level. I actually, as of right now, dislike this author more than Cassandra Claire. Wow.
The three-ring circus that had happened after he had become the Hero Who Lived [not my boldface]- what an idiotic title - had convinced him of one thing, though. He’d done his bit for the Wizarding world. Twice, if you counted the first time when he had been a baby.
Gellert: You bawled and likely soiled your diaper as the Dark Lord got himself in the face due to your mother's sacrificial protection, you imbecile.
He wasn’t going to let fear of rejection by his friends, or denigration by people who couldn’t accept his nature, stand in his way any more.
Gellert: (Potter) I decided to be out-and-proud as a Deus-Ex-Machina-magnet.
He’d known his true nature since long before he started Hogwarts, not that he’d ever told a soul. Anyway, who would he have told?
Gellert: (Potter) This "fourth wall" thing kept appearing when I tried.
==
Harry barely noticed the imposing sight of Draco Malfoy
Gellert: *snorts* Those last six words form an oxymoron.
walking towards him down the corridor. He was practically incoherent with the rage that he was doing his best to hold in.
Ariana: (Harry) *BOOMFLAIL*
He didn’t want to accidentally hurt anybody.
Ariana: ...I know how that feels...
“Potter” and an amicable nod from his former rival were his greeting at King's Cross, as Draco continued in the opposite direction down the corridor.
Harry summoned a nod of polite greeting for one of the few people that had treated him with respect since his revelation of his true nature.
Gellert: Namely, another vastly out-of-character Stu.
It was not Draco Malfoy he was currently angry at. It was the author who had made him into a girl with male genitalia.
Harry kept walking but slowed when he heard Draco’s footsteps stop and the other boy call out, “Potter… Harry… what’s happened?”
Sighing, Harry turned, and felt the last of his immediate rage canon characterization crumble in the face of the genuine concern the other boy was expressing. He’d known the other boy long enough to discern a lie from a truth
Albus: *sighs* The trick is to convince them that they know when you're lying, and then you may lie with impunity.
and the way Draco Malfoy had interacted with him since they came back to school had been nothing but truthful.
Albus: Again, once they are confident, they are yours.
Anger and disappointment still fermented
Ariana: *drinks anger and disappointment* Hee hee hee... Abby, ya wan' shome? 8D *stumbles about* 'S niiiiiiishe *HIC*...
Aberforth: ...That seems a bit strong, Ariana... give it here.
Ariana: Why? Plenny f'r alla' ush! :D *HIC*
under the surface of the new-found calm that Draco Malfoy’s presence seemed to instill in him, though.
Ariana: Abby'sh a good Abby. *clumsily attempts to pet him, ends up smacking his ear* Yesh, Abby ish a very good Abby.
Aberforth: ...*puts arm around her shoulders* Ariana, maybe you should lie down...
Ariana: Bu' I'm naaah sleepy! *HIC* :D
Wordlessly, Harry fumbled into the pocket of his Gladrags designer pinafore, and handed over the crumpled piece of parchment that had caused his latest fit of temper and heartache. "They canceled the Spring Special Sale this year - how could they? I had been planning my schedule for that for MONTHS!"
Not opening the crumpled ball yet, Draco Malfoy instead asked, “Who gave you this?”
“Professor McGonagall sent a note asking me to meet her as soon as I finished lunch.
“She rather apologetically informed me that she’d been handed the parchment you are currently holding in your hands by the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
“Ron was always one to hold a grudge. He didn’t like getting points taken this early in term, or yet another detention. I reminded him that, in canon, my middle name is Detention-Potter-And-Ten-Points-From-Gryffindor, and he relaxed grudgingly. He was told last year that if he got more than three detentions this year that it would have to be permanently registered on his academic record.
Gellert: *waves it off* Bah. When you become a Dark Lord, no one cares about your academic record.
Guardian's Song: Sporker Lord, in his case, but agreed.
Albus: B-but it's his academic record... It's important for his future...
Aberforth: Yeah, yeah. I've told you I don't plan to do anything bloody important!
Albus: Aberforth, you need to become serious about your schooling. You realize you can't exchange black marks for prizes when you collect enough of them, don't you?!
Aberforth: Eh, I always found playing connect-the-dots with them more fun...
“Unlike most of my detentions in the last couple of years, his weren’t to cover training sessions with the teaching staff.”
Guardian's Song: I had to reread that sentence a few times to comprehend the meaning. And - that's what YOU think, Mary-Sue. In reality, Snape and Dumbledore have been training him in the Art of the Spork....
Draco had unravelled the crumpled ball in his hands during Harry’s overly calm recitation of the day’s chain of events and had quickly read through the parchment.
“They’ve voted the best Seeker the school has ever seen off of their Quidditch team?
Guardian's Song: I thought he was just the best Seeker in a CENTURY, and youngest Seeker ever. Or was he just the youngest Seeker in a century? *has not reread PS/SS in forever*
The bastards!”
Harry couldn’t hold back a small smile at that. Draco Malfoy had been the best Seeker in the school apart from him.
Guardian's Song: Arguably because Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are the Houses of Supporting Characters and Misc. Extras, respectively.
If the rest of the Slytherin team weren’t such out and out ‘foul’ players - pardon the pun - then he would have had a better chance for a good win record. Because cheating... decreases your changes of winning, apparently. As it was, it hadn’t mattered how many times Draco caught the Snitch.
Albus: While Slytherin House has a most unpleasant reputation, I do believe they are neither dishonorable enough nor stupid enough to attempt to catch the Golden Snitch repeatedly.
The number of fouls his team-mates normally wracked up RACKED up during a game usually ended up evening out the points total in favour of the opposition.
Guardian's Song: Actually, aren't they canonically very good at not getting caught by the referees?
As a house, Gryffindor could approach their Head of House to overrule a decision made on their behalf by one of their house-mates that held a position of responsibility within the house, if they felt it was a poor decision. Nobody had done so.
Albus: *sigh* That would be because one person does not a House make.
The only person today that had shown any anger about the unfairness of kicking him off of the team - nobody with half a brain cell would believe the rot about being worried that opposing teams would feel obligated to let the Hero Who Won win
Guardian's Song: Well, if I was an HP character with some meta sense, I would kind of feel obligated - authorial opinion and all...
- was an opposing team’s star player.
“You’re ready to spit nails, aren’t you?”
Aberforth: Ariana, nails are bad for you and hurt, all right? You shouldn't try it.
Ariana: *HIC* All righ', Abby. *puts down nails*
Harry didn’t even dignify that with a response, and Draco laughed at the expression he pulled.
“All right, I admit that was a daft question.”
“Even the densest among them can be taught with a little patience,” announced Harry to the empty corridor, in a pious and wondering tone.
Guardian's Song: (Ron) Hey, that should have been MY line, paraphrased! "Bloody hell, even Malfoy's learned. If a Snurmple-Horned Corkack or whatever it's called comes running across the Quidditch pitch, tell me, wil you?"
...Or something like that. I'm far inferior to JKR. :D;;
“Ooh, catty. This little Gryffindor Lion has claws, doesn’t he?”
Aberforth: Yeah, all pink and polished...
Draco was grinning at him, and his eyes were twinkling
Albus: *COUGH* Excuse me, that is MY mannerism, Mr. Malfoy...
Draco: I tell you, the fans make me! D:
like they had two days before when he had defended Harry against Ron’s taunts of "Malfoy-Sue! Malfoy-Sue!" and his Gryffindor year-mates’ indifference. In reality, the Gryffindors had merely become very, very used to Sues flouncing through Hogwarts, to the point where they took bets on Dumbledore-versus-Stu matches, how Ron would get mauled this time, and how long it would take Voldemort to bring Harry to orgasm.
Harry felt himself blushing again. His former rival seemed to be having that effect on him a lot lately.
Albus: I do believe some poisons have that effect...
“You need to let off some steam,” announced Draco.
Ariana: (Harry) FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! *lets out steam*
Fai D. Fluorite: Did someone call me? ...No? All right. Fweeeee~~ *bounces off*
Gellert: *makes a note* And while we're finding the Hallows, I'll take that coat...
Harry rolled his eyes. Gift for the obvious there, or what?
Guardian's Song: Little did Harry know Fanon!Draco was descended from Edward Cullen's long-lost twin brother.
“Meow,” was Draco’s amused reply. "Meow," growled one of Das Mervin's cats, clawing the pretender's pointy face off.
“Oh, shut up,” said Harry, half in embarrassment and half in amusement. “Do you have something sensible you want to say to me, Draco Malfoy, or should I just go punch one of the mirrors in my room?”
Albus: *tints slightly red* They have the most interesting euphemisms for that these days...
Gellert: What? ...Ah. *leers* So, shall we -
Aberforth: Ariana, let's leave the room.
Ariana: *hic* Okay! *begins to do so*
Aberforth: Ariana, what are you - NOT BY THE WINDOW! *runs over*
Harry didn’t expect what happened next. Draco quickly moved into his personal space and began to "punch his mirror" - GELLERT! lifted one of his hands to his lips, kissing it in a gesture straight out of one of the historical romances that his Aunt Petunia used to deny reading when his Uncle Vernon taunted her about them. Harry used to rescue them from the bin when he was younger. He hadn’t had a family member to practice his reading with when he first started school.
Gellert: Aberforth, meanwhile, is still practicing his reading with a family member.
Aberforth: *attempting to coax Ariana away from the window and convince her that the best way to leave the room is through a door* Come on, Ariana, if you come along and go to sleep, you can read me a bedtime story beforehand... Stop laughing, Grindelwald.
He’d taught himself using those books. He hadn’t understood all the words back then, but he had loved the stories, and the love stories they contained.
Albus: *sighs* I remember the first time Mother read me The Tales of Beedle the Bard... Mother and Father gave me very strange looks when I suggested the Warlock simply court a boy if he didn't like girls.
Gellert: *snickers*
“No, no. We can’t have you marring such pretty hands, Harry.
Guardian's Song: (Canon!Harry) Sod off, Malfoy. *punches Malfoy with one "pretty hand"*
I tell you what. You’ve got free periods
Guardian's Song: In context of this fic, that sounds like something dispensed by a sadistic, idiot-hating omnipotent being.
(SIHOB) Would you like a free period, miss?
(Airhead) Sure!
(SIHOB) *snicker* Here you go!
(Airhead) Thanks! *begins to get menstrual cramps* ...Wait a moment...
this afternoon the same as I do, right?
“Nip back to your room and change into some "exercise" clothes. The ones that strip themselves off, the socks that double as comfortable restraints, the vibrating undershirts, I'm sure you understand what sets I'm talking about... *leers* Gel- What was that about the socks? I’m sure you’ve got some pretty ones that you’ve been dying to show off to someone.
“Meet me outside the Room of Requirement in half an hour and we can have a "sparring session". I’m a black-belt in several Wizarding "martial marital arts" and can at least keep "up" with you in a "sparring duel" with you for at least an hour without interruption. You may knock me about a bit, I like that, but I guarantee I’ll give climaxes as good as I get.”
Gellert: *BLINKS*
Albus: Now, Gellert, I could hardly let you have all the fun...
Aberforth: *in another room* Ariana, could you read Grumble the Grubby Goat louder?
Ariana: *yawns* Oh, sure! :D Mmmm... where was I? Oh, here... "Baaaaaaaaaa," bleated Grumble, annoyed by the flies...'
Harry gaped at the other boy, amazed at the offer he was making for only five galleons. “Why are you being so nice to me, Draco?”
Draco shrugged in response and said, “It’s time for a truly absurd amount of OOCness and dearth of logic in order to move the plot along, don’t you think? I don’t have to worry about my parents the Muggle Rowling forcing their opinions some semblance of sanity and coherence down my throat any more, nor do I have to worry about having to fulfil some insane notion of an family obligation to the fabric of reality itself madman you killed for us all.
“You’re a good person, Harry Potter, and thus, your incompetence is eternally excused as "But he wins against vastly more intelligent, skilled, and competent opponents because of LOVE! How could you miss that theme?!" We may be thanked, at least, that in canon, you’were not bloody gorgeous to boot. You would have to be a deaf and blind idiot not to notice. Alternatively, you could just be an author who thinks any semblance of canon characterization is optional. I am not an idiot,
Ron Weasley: OBJECTION!
though it seems as if most of your crazy bloody house is the embodiment of idiocy this year.
Guardian's Song: They hold canon nearest and dearest to their hearts, and they were set upon by Sues. You do the math. (Whether they were attacked by the Mould on the Would Child Molesters' Association ((c) JKR Leaves Invisible Subtext In For Her More Adult Readers subsection of fandom) is up to your personal interpretation.)
“I’d like the chance to get to know the real you.
Guardian's Song: (Canon!Harry) Hell, I'd just like the real me BACK.
It seems like it would be something that would be well worth the effort of doing.”
“Friends?” asked Harry, hopefully. He had missed having someone to talk to and to hang out with.
Guardian's Song: Really? In canon, he seemed rather asocial...
Draco invaded Harry’s personal space again
Guardian's Song: What is with the author's obsession with personal space?
and used a gentle finger to tilt his chin up to meet Draco’s gaze. Harry’s world narrowed to the full lips heading towards his own
Guardian's Song: What's the obsession with "full lips", anyway? Are thin lips truly considered THAT hideous? Eh. I just feel like it's more feminization. Alas, poor Ronnie. Your only sin was having too much testosterone.
and he gasped in horror at the soft kiss that Draco pressed to his lips. Draco then stepped back and said, “Friends, definitely. With the possibility of more if it’s what we both want to happen.
Gellert: And what if your audience doesn't?
“Are you okay with that, Harry?”
Pressing his fingers to the lips Draco had just kissed,
Guardian's Song: As opposed to what? The lips of his labia?
Albus and Gellert: ...
Aberforth: *tucking Ariana in* And now you lot know how I feel.
Harry nodded wordlessly. He couldn’t have spoken a coherent sentence just then, not even if his life depended on it. If the plot depended upon it, though, he would prove himself Dumbledore's worthy successor as infodumper of the Light.
Draco grinned, gently turning him round and sending him on his way with a gentle pat to his bum, and saying, “Scoot, then. I’ll see you in magical restraints within half an hour, Harry.”
Harry obediently scooted.
**
Twenty-five minutes later, Harry was nervously standing erect outside the entrance to the Room of Requirement and waiting on Draco, clad in only a towel-toga, as befitted a House Elf. His heartbeat calmed when he saw Draco walking steadily along the corridor to meet him.
“Someone who can still look gorgeous, even when working to a deadline, I am impressed.”
Albus: It is a wonderful thing, isn't it? *smiles at Gellert suggestively*
Gellert: *grins back*
Guardian's Song: Now, boys, the chapter's ending soon... You can jump on each other and scar Aberforth's mind then.
Albus: Well, I wouldn't want to -
Gellert: Ah, I forgot all about that! All the better! *begins stripping Albus*
Aberforth: Could you snore louder, Ariana?
Ariana: Zzzzzz... wha'? Oh, okay... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZ...
Harry felt his cheeks burn with Fiendfyre pleasure at Draco’s comment and frankly admiring assessment.
Draco’s features were slightly softer than his father’s had been, but were still pointy enough to sent women screaming into the night when he offered oral sex. At six foot two, Draco was now too powerfully built to be Slytherin’s Seeker of "Wands" and was now firmly ensconced in the role of a Chaser of Arse.
Guardian's Song: Ah, yes. Draco is now a Manly Man, as per almost all strict-gender-role fics.
I will now add, as the author obviously forgot to mention it, that Ron, at six foot seven, was the epitome of manhood (and awesomeness), striking fear into every Sue's heart and lustful admiration into every sporker's.
Bulstrode’s younger brother had taken over the Seeker of "Wands" role; at least that is what the Slytherin fourth years had been full of talk about at lunch yesterday as he eagerly serviced them all - GELLERT!.
His body was toned from years of watersports
Guardian's Song: ...I am so sorry.
and martial marital arts training, his dress sense was impeccable,
Albus: *cough* Pardon...
Draco: The fandom makes me!
Albus: It must - why, I don't see even a single mention of purple or midnight blue regarding your clothing...
his hair was the fabled Malfoy white-blond,
Guardian's Song: Out of curiosity, why is that considered sexy? For me, at least, it's a color that chickened out of being pure white but wasn't good enough to manage being yellow. :P
and he had the kind of good looks that Muggle models and movie stars would kill for. Mostly poor Tom Felton and Rupert Grint. He was also richer than sin and was the sole heir to the Malfoy fortune - which was legitimate, in spite of what Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy had spent it on.
Guardian's Song: Why is it assumed the Malfoys (or, in other fics, Blacks) are REALLY rich? I can excuse it if there's a valid, non-overpowered reason, but... dude, they're rich and have a manor. It doesn't mean they could buy and sell the Ministry several times over.
At seventeen, Draco was Lord Malfoy,
Guardian's Song: Also?
I HATE the use of the title of "Lord" for anything but Lord-power-level wizards. Yes, I realize there's actual precedent in the British class system. However, with Dark Lords using it as a title of power, it means something in the Wizarding World beyond what it means in ours, and so it seems hideously conceited. *sigh* *is a nitpicker*
and was the catch of the Wizarding world. Once this had been declared, an immediate mass-emigration from Wizarding England took place, leaving only those who were both stupid and blind. More to the point, since the Wizarding world accepted male/male marriages as the norm and Draco was openly bi,
Guardian's Song: *sigh* 4 Teh Kewlies, of course.
he was the prize catch out there for every eligible witch and wizard of suitable social status.
Every Heterosexual Wizard And Lesbian Witch: ...
They were similarly dressed for their "sparring session". Their shoes, trousers, and pants would be shed when they began "sparring", as it was best to do that in bare feet and cloth tended to get in the way of certain activities. Loose drawstring trousers for ease of shedding, a sleeveless vest to allow for maximum movement in the bedroom, and wand holsters Ah, those are those "condoms"? on their wand arms Although I don't think they're quite used that way..,. Draco’s ensemble was charcoal grey.
Harry’s trousers were black, his top was Gryffindor red. He had a sports bra on under the top and he’d been transfixed when he’d stared at himself in the mirror before heading out to meet Draco. His scream of pure horror had echoed off the walls before the author could put him back under Imperius. Draco’s acceptance of him had given him the courage to not wear any robes to cover his exercise clothes on the way to meet him. His body looked beautiful to virginal Saint Mungo's Sealed Ward patients, and he had decided that, damn it, he would not be ashamed or hesitant about showing how happy he was now.
Guardian's Song: He was before?
“Imagine us a "training room", Harry,” said Draco with a smile. "Complete with whips, ropes, gags, beds, hard wooden desks, socks, instructional books illustrated in exquisite detail, potions, certain fascinating devices, suggestions of various spells of dubious legality to enhance the experience, GOATS-" ...O_o >_< ...>_>;; ...-_-;; ...o_o Did I say something wrong?
Smiling happily, Harry complied with Draco’s instruction. He was looking forward to having some fun.
**
Three hours later, laughing and chatting all the way, Draco escorted Harry back to his room. They’d skipped dinner, but had called Dobby to pass a message on to their respective Heads of House explaining that they had been engaged in a friendly "spar" and would exercise Harry’s privilege as Head Boy and call for a meal in his private rooms. Snape, as always, had relished the opportunity to take points from Gryffindor.
Draco waited until Harry had opened the door and entered his quarters before heading off to his own Prefect’s Dormitory in the Slytherin dungeons, promising to “see you in my bed in an hour, Harry.”
Inside the sanctuary of his rooms, Harry smiled and shut his eyes, whirling around in a circle with his arms out to embrace the world.
Ariana: Oh, yes, I do that! :D WHEEEEE! ...*manages to slam into door* 8D FUN.
The "sparring session" had been great fun,
Albus: Oh, I'm sure it was. *twinkle*
and a welcome release.
Albus: O_O
Gellert: *shrugs* It seems you understood correctly...
Draco was the closest match he’d had in ages, and that included the Aurors he had "trained" against in the past, for, alas, their flexibility and power did not survive the transfer to the bedroom. The Aurors may know some different spells, but Draco’s knowledge base of spells was more varied (Auror training, unlike Hit Wizard and Unspeakable training, not even having an option for undercover seduction missions), and his martial marital arts skills second to none.
Harry had won their "spar", but it had not been an easy match. Ja, ja, it had been quite hard. Very hard. And sweaty. And... *getting rather distracted* They’d already made plans to make their "sparring" a regular - dare he think it - date. They’d both had a lot of fun.
Pulling himself together, Harry grabbed one of his cream terrycloth shortie bathrobe as the author's clothing fetish continued to take over the fic. He had just enough time to have a quick wank in the shower and select some decent clothes in time for Draco’s return, but only if he stopped daydreaming.
**
Exactly an hour after Draco had left him there was a knock on Harry’s door. Harry moved to open it and let his guest into his rooms. Draco looked sensational in dark trousers and a grey silk shirt. I, meanwhile, have been told I look better in nothing at all. *grins* *maintaining concentration on spork with great difficulty*
Harry laughed at the potted cactus that Draco handed over to him,
Guardian's Song: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FIC!HARRY'S BELLA SWAN!
saying it was for “His prickly-loving Gryffindor Lion.”
{snip next few paragraphs*
Harry shed all such thoughts from his mind and turned all his attention to having dinner with his newest friend, his right hand.
And that's the end of Chapter 2-
Albus and Gellert: *pounce on each other*
Aberforth: *shields eyes and drags Ariana out of room*
Ariana: *glances over her shoulder before the door shuts*
Ahem. Anyway. :D I'm... probably not sporking anything more for the next few weeks. Finals are beginning to hit, and... yeah. Well, at least I got this chapter of this badfic out of the way. :D;; Hooray! *