BAAAAAAAAAAAAA. *twitches ears*
Yes, the badfic exposure levels MIGHT be having an effect on me. Baaaa. 8)
They all remained until the injured had all been treated and then started walking quietly back toward the castle.
"Are we in trouble?" Caitlin inquired.
"For the moment let's just say you've equally won and lost points today," Hermione responded. "Neither your father or I are happy about the three of you sneaking off to Hogsmeade today. The school has rules in place for a reason, and you should not consider yourselves above them.
It was reported that several Slytherfen had to be hospitalized due to the shock of hearing those words come out of a Gryffindor's mouth.
"But," Hermione paused, "your father and I broke a small number of rules when we were in school."
Snape: *from beyond the grave* A small number of rules. A small number of rules.
Harry looked at Hermione and raised his eyebrows. "On this particular occasion, it seems that the benefits of you being here to "help" with the injured outweighs the severity of the rules broken. Especially with the moolah for the ensuring porn tapes!"
"Why exactly did you three find it crucial to sneak into Hogsmeade?" Harry inquired as they slowly made their way out of the village and headed toward Hogwarts.
The girls looked nervously from one to the other before Emily sighed and said, "It was all my fault. I did something brainless naked at the Yule Ball - you know, just like usual - and Caitlin and Kim were helping me make it right with sex."
Emily proceeded to tell the entire story. Harry and Hermione were both unable to restrain from venting their fury when Emily told how she had removed her dress and allowed Tyler to take pictures of her nude.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm AGREEING WITH TWO SUES! D8 D8 D8
"Emily, I realize you've been a naturist all your life," Harry said after somewhat gaining his composure and tucking his prick back into his pants, "but nudist or not, a young lady just does not lock herself in a room alone with a boy and strip in front of him."
It's - it's - it's EARTH LOGIC! It must be exploding out of Ron! Quickly, let's find him and create some flashes and bangs nearby his head to set him off more!
"And as if that wasn't bad enough, you let him photograph you. Didn't you learn anything from my experience with Playwizard Magazine," Hermione asked, exceedingly upset.
MORE EARTH LOGIC! (Although without question marks...)
"Girls," Hermione continued, "being nude among family and friends or even in a naturist environment is one thing.
Uh... if you say so...
Being nude when you are alone with a boy is asking for trouble."
Ron might blow up the fic with his Earth Logic! ...DO EET, RONNIE!
Ron: *TWITCH* *EARTHLOGICFLAIL*
Emily shook her head furiously. "That's a lot of rot. Most of my childhood friends were boys. Not one of them ever tried to take advantage of being alone with me when I was naked.
Possibly because you weren't near puberty then, idiot.
Clothes are no different than Muggle locks."
"What do you mean by that?" Harry asked.
"Locks won't prevent a thief from stealing from you, but they aren't necessary to protect your valuables from an honest man," Emily replied.
Harry and Hermione both stared at Emily, neither able at the moment to argue with her logic.
I can. So, do you leave all your doors and window unlocked, idiot?
Also, it would be DIFFERENT if you hadn't been DELIBERATELY EXPOSING YOUR COOTER (splits while doing a naked handstand, WTF?!) to him - this is called 'Look, something's just seriously wrong with you'. I mean... GAH. SUE!
Therefore, the subject was at least temporarily put aside and Emily was allowed to go on with her story. She continued uninterrupted,
Elbe: ANOTHER COMMA SURVIVOR! 8)))D *cradles tenderly, twitching all the while*
until she got to the part where the boys undressed and were then followed into the showers.
Initially Hermione reacted with shock, but in next to no time, her face was covered with a smile and the same pride as Harry's. "We're so proud that you were looking at boys' privates and commenting on how small they were!"
"You turned the tables on them completely," Harry said, trying to maintain an adult fatherly approach, but in actuality wanting to give the girls all high fives.
"And the final chapter was this morning. You guys just had to see their reaction to the pictures." Hermione stated, looking at Harry and just shaking her head. She was already holding Harry's hand, but gave it a tight squeeze as she winked at him.
Elbe: *is switching between manic behavior and a near-commatose state* *commatose is not a typo*
"Hermione and I have to walk a fine line as we play separate but entwined roles in your lives," Harry said. "We are Hogwarts professors and, as such, have a responsibility to see that the rules of the school are obeyed. In that Rickroll, I'm afraid we will have to recommend that you each receive detention and a deduction of house points for your escapade."
"But the detentions will be served under our supervision and in our quarters,"
D:
Hermione said with a smile. "I'm also confident that your actions today during dreadful conditions warrant you receiving house points at least matching those that you have lost."
Blatant favoritism. This fic is almost making me a canon!Snapefen, because though he was totally prejudiced, at least we weren't supposed to think he was a twoo pawagon of [nekkid - I nearly typed "kiddie" D8] viwtue.
Caitlin, Emily and Kim all exchanged thankful fleeting looks.
"As parents, we want you to know that you had us extremely concerned. That includes you," Harry said, giving Kim a hug. "Will you girls please learn to trust us and come to us when you have a problem.
Elbe: Will you please learn to use punctuation marks?
We are not the enemy; we're on your side."
"We might be your parents and professors, but we are also your friends," Hermione said beaming. "As such, we're proud of you, proud because you had a problem and solved it on your own. But we're especially proud because when it came to choosing between running home and hiding what you had done or staying and helping injured people, you did the right thing and stayed."
Neil, I hate to tell you, but watching preachy kiddie shows will NOT make you a [young] ladies' man with the target age group. So don't even try, you sick bastard.
* * * * * *
Upon returning to the castle, Kim excused herself and then hurried off in the direction of the Slytherin dungeon while Caitlin and Emily returned to the staff quarters with their parents.
When Harry quickly, but silently opened the door to their quarters, the group of four was stunned, but not nearly as staggered as the young couple lying on the floor. The boy was fully dressed, but the girl, as was her custom, was completely nude.
It wasn't the state of dress of the girl or even the fact that they were lying together on the floor that caused everyone to act in response; it was rather, the position of the boy's head and what he was doing to the girl. It was Ron Weasley and Rose Potter, and he was ripping out her throat with his teeth while stabbing her with the Spork of Gryffindor. After a moment of silence, all watching began to applaud.
Jamie and Alex maladroitly
Neil, the Thesaurus is not a porn mag.
leapt to their feet, both turning a vivid red. Jamie's blush visible along the full extent of her body.
He-LLO, random sentence fragment, how are you today.
Hermione took a quick look in the direction of Caitlin and Emily, hoping that they had not seen what Alex was doing to Jamie. From the expressions on their faces, it was quite evident they both had.
With normal girls? That would mean "shock".
With these twits? They're probably drooling.
"I'm sorry," Jamie said, thrown off balance. "We were just..."
"Harry and I know what you were doing," Hermione said quickly, trying fruitlessly to gain her composure. Her face now also a bright red. "I just wasn't expecting either of the girls to witness such... Well, I guess it will make explaining it a little easier."
Emily shook her head in frustration. "Mum, Caitlin and I aren't six years old. We know all about sex and oral sex."
I'm not sure I didn't think oral sex was a special pill at that age. Admittedly, I was sheltered, but these jaded, cynical twelve-year-old Sues just SICKEN me. I'd be annoyed at this behavior in a teenage character OLDER than me. THIS?!
Go FUCK yourself, Neil, just FUCK yourself! You're all you'd ever get consensually laid with, anyway.
Emily turned toward Jamie. "Do you return the favor and suck Alex's penis?" she asked Jamie without the least trepidation.
*EXPLODES* THIS - THIS - I HATE THIS LITTLE BITCH. SHAMELESS, SNOTTY LITTLE - LITTLE - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Although seemingly impossible, Jamie and Alex turned even a brighter red. Harry meanwhile just stared at Emily in shock.
"I didn't mean either of us ever did it," Emily cried defensively, observing the expression on her Dad's face.
Only in this fic would I be suspicious as to the veracity of that statement from a non-former-sex-slave twelve-year-old.
"We haven't," Caitlin swiftly added, but then she looked at Jamie. "The expression on your face before you realized we were here. You looked like you were in ecstasy."
SHUT. THE HELL. UP. Before I decide to just ask the crew of the HMS_STFU if I can drop their ship ON YOUR HEAD.
"Okay you two," Harry said, pointing to the chesterfield. "Time for a father, daughter, mother talk. With real-time demonstrations."
"Can we get comfy on your lap first?" Caitlin asked innocently.
"I suppose so," Harry said, trying very hard to sound strict. "Hermione, did you want to get comfortable on my lap, too?
Hermione stared questioningly at Harry and then glanced toward Alex.
"It's your option, Professor Granger," Alex said timorously. "My parents had no problems with me visiting Jamie parent's
Elbe: ...The apostrophe is there, but it's so traumatized it went into the wrong word. D:
last year and they knew the Zacherley's
Elbe: ...This one, however, must be trying to run away. D: POOR THINGS!
would all be nude." Alex squeezed Jamie's hand to comfort her. "I'm past the ogling at naked women stage.
Question: ...Um, do heterosexual teenage boys EVER go past that stage? *honestly curious*
I guess it all comes down to whether you trust me?"
If the decision came down to whether or not Hermione trusted Alex, then there was no choice to be made. Hermione went to her bedroom and returned a few minutes later unclothed. The fic then exploded because it couldn't both have Alex be awesome and have somebody not worship Teh Hermione Boo-tay.
"Now that every one is comfortable," Harry said, "suppose you all grab a seat."
Hermione went to sit next to Harry on the sofa, but Caitlin nudged her way in between them. At first Emily looked disappointed, but then Harry patted his leg and she enthusiastically climbed up on his lap.
D: I WAS JOKING!!!
"Are we going to talk about sex?" Emily asked keenly.
You sick little brat - LOOK IT UP IN BOOKS LIKE I DID. Goodness knows I read quite a few human biology books throughoutly just because of the human reproduction chapters. -_-;;
"Should we?" Harry inquired. "You just told me that you and Caitlin knew all about it."
"Not all about it," Caitlin said candidly. "We know the nuts and bolts of what goes where and that we can't do it until fifteen without causing major grief,
Perhaps you should stop having kiddies engage in foreplay if you want to seem serious.
And wait. Since the spell is linked to the hymen, what about girls who break it doing sports? Or the lesbians? Or the gay boys (who don't have ass-hymens, contrary to badfic belief)? So... the spell, much like uni-sex environments in real life, just encourages youthful same-sex lovin'. XD Not what Neil intended, I'm sure.
but what about what Jamie and Alex were doing. Do you have to be fifteen to do that?"
Hermione gave Harry a trenchant
Did you hear what I said about the Thesaurus, Neil?
look as Harry felt a large knot form in his stomach. Suddenly the idea of facing Voldemort all over again seemed attractive, certainly more appealing than a discussion of oral sex with his two young daughters.
They're young only in body, Harry. Which is not an excuse to feel them up, but they're certainly not innocents.
"No, you don't have to be fifteen to do what Jamie and Alex were doing, but it is something that should not be taken lightly," he said nervously.
Just tell 'em all about STDs, Harry. Best way to ensure abstinence, as far as I'm concerned - just also tell 'em condoms can break, then have Hermione tell 'em all about the maaaaaaaarvels of pregnancy. :D (Also point them to weepingcock . It will both "educate" them and make them take vows of celibacy. :P)
"Doing that sort of thing is very personal, tastes gadawful, and should only be done with someone you have a strong relationship with. Usually someone you love and if not already married, have plans to marry."
"Alex, are you and Jamie getting married?" Emily asked bluntly.
Alex was caught off guard, but looked lovingly at Jamie who was now sitting on his lap. Totally platonically, I'm suuuuuuuure. He gave her a brief hug. "Yes, we are. Actually we were just discussing it today. We still have a year at Hogwarts and then hopefully Auror training, but after that we want to get married."
"I'll be an aunt," Emily said joyfully, "Aunt Emily."
DX And you'll be one of those sickos who molest the nieces and nephews, eh?
"Let's not rush things," Jamie said cautiously. "We both want children, but not too soon."
How about never?
"Sometimes you can't plan out your life," Hermione said, first clutching Caitlin's hand and then patting Emily's thigh.
D8 NO, NO, ONLY I get to insert things like that, you hear me?!
"But children are something you love whenever they pop into your life."
Gee, I think I just heard the entire childfree community let out a deep growl...
"Can we get back to talking about sex,"
NO.
Emily said with annoyance as she looked at her Dad. "How are we expected to know how to do things if no one ever teaches us or at least lets us watch them do it?"
*literally stops and stares at the screen*
*jaw drops open*
NEIL, YOU SICK, SICK FUCK! YOU SICK FUCK! *DESTROYS DOWNTOWN BERKELEY* YOU SICK FUCK!!!
...I HATE Neil. Seriously, total predator fantasy. 'But she was ASKING for it, Officer'... Yeah, well, won't protect you in real life, sicko.
CHILD GROOMING. Total, total CHILD GROOMING.
Harry was both flustered
You SICK fuck!
and tongued tied.
I'm so angry that I don't even care about that typo.
Was Emily suggesting that her and Caitlin be allowed to watch Hermione and him make love?
Harry, at this point, should be just saying HELL NO and trying to find out WHAT Emily's been doing that makes her think that's a good idea. I - I just - NO. SO MUCH NO.
{snip St. Hermione talking about how Speshul sex is with the right partner.}
"Enough talk about sex," Harry said. "You two are much too young to have such an insatiable curiosity on the subject.
The Earth Logic must be exploding out of Ron again. *whistles* He wouldn't use his Earth Logic, but he couldn't get rid of it; it turned inward and drove him mad, it exploded out of him when he couldn't get rid of it, and at times, he was strange and dangerous.
Besides, we have two heroes in our presence.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! SUUUES!
I want to hear all the details of what happened today. How did you get back so early? Did the Ministry pPortkey you back to Hogwarts?"
"Yes, the Ministry did give us a pPortkey to get back to school. As for what happened, it was all a case of being in the right place at the right time and being utter Sues," Alex said.
{poof, it happened because of Harry and Hermione's intervention. YAY.}
"Rather than wonder off,
That sounds like something Ariana Dumbledore would do. Or possibly Luna Lovegood.
we decided to just nosey about, hoping that Mr. Ollivander would return shortly," Jamie said. "There was a pathway between the two stores and so we decided to have a look around."
"I was inquisitive as to what was behind the shops to separate them from Muggle London," Alex added.
Hermione and Harry both exchanged glances, neither, until now, having ever given this a thought.
Secrecy Charms?
"Our mere surprise presence evidently gave the two beefy oaths
BAHAHAHAHA! What, did they take over an hour to recite each?
that were prowling about a fright because they immediately drew their wands on us.
The oaths had wandes? O_o
They caught me off guard and Alex unfortunately was unarmed," Jamie stated. "He's such a bottom. Before we knew what was happening; we were both struck by curses that sent us crashing against the back wall of the shop."
"Mr. Ollivander, who was inside the shop, came bursting through the door like some superhero in a Muggle movie or comic book," Alex said admiringly.
Ollivander.
Western Superhero.
Ollivander.
Western Superhero.
...Yeah, that sounds prettty awesome, come to think of it, but it's also FREAKIN' ABSURD.
"He might be elderly, but it certainly hasn't lessened his magical ability. Those two oafs didn't know what hit them."
"Harry, it... it was the same two that attacked me after the World Cup Match," Jamie said nervously.
Albus Severus: WHAT A COINCIDENCE! *eerie giggling*
"Mr. Ollivander must have sounded some sort of silent alarm, because within minutes, the area was swarming with law enforcement. Once everything was deemed safe, even Minster Wrong Apparated along with some Aurors."
"Then they took the culprits into custody?" Harry asked. "No one was hurt? You're both heroes!"
"That's what Minister Wrong said," Jamie acknowledged. "Although all we did was get ourselves thrown against a building."
"But that appraised Mr. Ollivander of the dangerous situation and afforded him the opportunity to capture the perpetrators," Harry said proudly.
So OLLIVANDER saved the day.
...*facepalm* So the Sues got called heroes for NOTHING?
* * * * * *
[Spork to be continued later]
They all remained until the injured had all been treated and then started walking quietly back toward the castle.
"Are we in trouble?" Caitlin inquired.
"For the moment let's just say you've equally won and lost points today," Hermione responded. "Neither your father or I are happy about the three of you sneaking off to Hogsmeade today. The school has rules in place for a reason, and you should not consider yourselves above them.
It was reported that several Slytherfen had to be hospitalized due to the shock of hearing those words come out of a Gryffindor's mouth.
"But," Hermione paused, "your father and I broke a small number of rules when we were in school."
Snape: *from beyond the grave* A small number of rules. A small number of rules.
Harry looked at Hermione and raised his eyebrows. "On this particular occasion, it seems that the benefits of you being here to "help" with the injured outweighs the severity of the rules broken. Especially with the moolah for the ensuring porn tapes!"
"Why exactly did you three find it crucial to sneak into Hogsmeade?" Harry inquired as they slowly made their way out of the village and headed toward Hogwarts.
The girls looked nervously from one to the other before Emily sighed and said, "It was all my fault. I did something brainless naked at the Yule Ball - you know, just like usual - and Caitlin and Kim were helping me make it right with sex."
Emily proceeded to tell the entire story. Harry and Hermione were both unable to restrain from venting their fury when Emily told how she had removed her dress and allowed Tyler to take pictures of her nude.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm AGREEING WITH TWO SUES! D8 D8 D8
"Emily, I realize you've been a naturist all your life," Harry said after somewhat gaining his composure and tucking his prick back into his pants, "but nudist or not, a young lady just does not lock herself in a room alone with a boy and strip in front of him."
It's - it's - it's EARTH LOGIC! It must be exploding out of Ron! Quickly, let's find him and create some flashes and bangs nearby his head to set him off more!
"And as if that wasn't bad enough, you let him photograph you. Didn't you learn anything from my experience with Playwizard Magazine," Hermione asked, exceedingly upset.
MORE EARTH LOGIC! (Although without question marks...)
"Girls," Hermione continued, "being nude among family and friends or even in a naturist environment is one thing.
Uh... if you say so...
Being nude when you are alone with a boy is asking for trouble."
Ron might blow up the fic with his Earth Logic! ...DO EET, RONNIE!
Ron: *TWITCH* *EARTHLOGICFLAIL*
Emily shook her head furiously. "That's a lot of rot. Most of my childhood friends were boys. Not one of them ever tried to take advantage of being alone with me when I was naked.
Possibly because you weren't near puberty then, idiot.
Clothes are no different than Muggle locks."
"What do you mean by that?" Harry asked.
"Locks won't prevent a thief from stealing from you, but they aren't necessary to protect your valuables from an honest man," Emily replied.
Harry and Hermione both stared at Emily, neither able at the moment to argue with her logic.
I can. So, do you leave all your doors and window unlocked, idiot?
Also, it would be DIFFERENT if you hadn't been DELIBERATELY EXPOSING YOUR COOTER (splits while doing a naked handstand, WTF?!) to him - this is called 'Look, something's just seriously wrong with you'. I mean... GAH. SUE!
Therefore, the subject was at least temporarily put aside and Emily was allowed to go on with her story. She continued uninterrupted,
Elbe: ANOTHER COMMA SURVIVOR! 8)))D *cradles tenderly, twitching all the while*
until she got to the part where the boys undressed and were then followed into the showers.
Initially Hermione reacted with shock, but in next to no time, her face was covered with a smile and the same pride as Harry's. "We're so proud that you were looking at boys' privates and commenting on how small they were!"
"You turned the tables on them completely," Harry said, trying to maintain an adult fatherly approach, but in actuality wanting to give the girls all high fives.
"And the final chapter was this morning. You guys just had to see their reaction to the pictures." Hermione stated, looking at Harry and just shaking her head. She was already holding Harry's hand, but gave it a tight squeeze as she winked at him.
Elbe: *is switching between manic behavior and a near-commatose state* *commatose is not a typo*
"Hermione and I have to walk a fine line as we play separate but entwined roles in your lives," Harry said. "We are Hogwarts professors and, as such, have a responsibility to see that the rules of the school are obeyed. In that Rickroll, I'm afraid we will have to recommend that you each receive detention and a deduction of house points for your escapade."
"But the detentions will be served under our supervision and in our quarters,"
D:
Hermione said with a smile. "I'm also confident that your actions today during dreadful conditions warrant you receiving house points at least matching those that you have lost."
Blatant favoritism. This fic is almost making me a canon!Snapefen, because though he was totally prejudiced, at least we weren't supposed to think he was a twoo pawagon of [nekkid - I nearly typed "kiddie" D8] viwtue.
Caitlin, Emily and Kim all exchanged thankful fleeting looks.
"As parents, we want you to know that you had us extremely concerned. That includes you," Harry said, giving Kim a hug. "Will you girls please learn to trust us and come to us when you have a problem.
Elbe: Will you please learn to use punctuation marks?
We are not the enemy; we're on your side."
"We might be your parents and professors, but we are also your friends," Hermione said beaming. "As such, we're proud of you, proud because you had a problem and solved it on your own. But we're especially proud because when it came to choosing between running home and hiding what you had done or staying and helping injured people, you did the right thing and stayed."
Neil, I hate to tell you, but watching preachy kiddie shows will NOT make you a [young] ladies' man with the target age group. So don't even try, you sick bastard.
* * * * * *
Upon returning to the castle, Kim excused herself and then hurried off in the direction of the Slytherin dungeon while Caitlin and Emily returned to the staff quarters with their parents.
When Harry quickly, but silently opened the door to their quarters, the group of four was stunned, but not nearly as staggered as the young couple lying on the floor. The boy was fully dressed, but the girl, as was her custom, was completely nude.
It wasn't the state of dress of the girl or even the fact that they were lying together on the floor that caused everyone to act in response; it was rather, the position of the boy's head and what he was doing to the girl. It was Ron Weasley and Rose Potter, and he was ripping out her throat with his teeth while stabbing her with the Spork of Gryffindor. After a moment of silence, all watching began to applaud.
Jamie and Alex maladroitly
Neil, the Thesaurus is not a porn mag.
leapt to their feet, both turning a vivid red. Jamie's blush visible along the full extent of her body.
He-LLO, random sentence fragment, how are you today.
Hermione took a quick look in the direction of Caitlin and Emily, hoping that they had not seen what Alex was doing to Jamie. From the expressions on their faces, it was quite evident they both had.
With normal girls? That would mean "shock".
With these twits? They're probably drooling.
"I'm sorry," Jamie said, thrown off balance. "We were just..."
"Harry and I know what you were doing," Hermione said quickly, trying fruitlessly to gain her composure. Her face now also a bright red. "I just wasn't expecting either of the girls to witness such... Well, I guess it will make explaining it a little easier."
Emily shook her head in frustration. "Mum, Caitlin and I aren't six years old. We know all about sex and oral sex."
I'm not sure I didn't think oral sex was a special pill at that age. Admittedly, I was sheltered, but these jaded, cynical twelve-year-old Sues just SICKEN me. I'd be annoyed at this behavior in a teenage character OLDER than me. THIS?!
Go FUCK yourself, Neil, just FUCK yourself! You're all you'd ever get consensually laid with, anyway.
Emily turned toward Jamie. "Do you return the favor and suck Alex's penis?" she asked Jamie without the least trepidation.
*EXPLODES* THIS - THIS - I HATE THIS LITTLE BITCH. SHAMELESS, SNOTTY LITTLE - LITTLE - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Although seemingly impossible, Jamie and Alex turned even a brighter red. Harry meanwhile just stared at Emily in shock.
"I didn't mean either of us ever did it," Emily cried defensively, observing the expression on her Dad's face.
Only in this fic would I be suspicious as to the veracity of that statement from a non-former-sex-slave twelve-year-old.
"We haven't," Caitlin swiftly added, but then she looked at Jamie. "The expression on your face before you realized we were here. You looked like you were in ecstasy."
SHUT. THE HELL. UP. Before I decide to just ask the crew of the HMS_STFU if I can drop their ship ON YOUR HEAD.
"Okay you two," Harry said, pointing to the chesterfield. "Time for a father, daughter, mother talk. With real-time demonstrations."
"Can we get comfy on your lap first?" Caitlin asked innocently.
"I suppose so," Harry said, trying very hard to sound strict. "Hermione, did you want to get comfortable on my lap, too?
Hermione stared questioningly at Harry and then glanced toward Alex.
"It's your option, Professor Granger," Alex said timorously. "My parents had no problems with me visiting Jamie parent's
Elbe: ...The apostrophe is there, but it's so traumatized it went into the wrong word. D:
last year and they knew the Zacherley's
Elbe: ...This one, however, must be trying to run away. D: POOR THINGS!
would all be nude." Alex squeezed Jamie's hand to comfort her. "I'm past the ogling at naked women stage.
Question: ...Um, do heterosexual teenage boys EVER go past that stage? *honestly curious*
I guess it all comes down to whether you trust me?"
If the decision came down to whether or not Hermione trusted Alex, then there was no choice to be made. Hermione went to her bedroom and returned a few minutes later unclothed. The fic then exploded because it couldn't both have Alex be awesome and have somebody not worship Teh Hermione Boo-tay.
"Now that every one is comfortable," Harry said, "suppose you all grab a seat."
Hermione went to sit next to Harry on the sofa, but Caitlin nudged her way in between them. At first Emily looked disappointed, but then Harry patted his leg and she enthusiastically climbed up on his lap.
D: I WAS JOKING!!!
"Are we going to talk about sex?" Emily asked keenly.
You sick little brat - LOOK IT UP IN BOOKS LIKE I DID. Goodness knows I read quite a few human biology books throughoutly just because of the human reproduction chapters. -_-;;
"Should we?" Harry inquired. "You just told me that you and Caitlin knew all about it."
"Not all about it," Caitlin said candidly. "We know the nuts and bolts of what goes where and that we can't do it until fifteen without causing major grief,
Perhaps you should stop having kiddies engage in foreplay if you want to seem serious.
And wait. Since the spell is linked to the hymen, what about girls who break it doing sports? Or the lesbians? Or the gay boys (who don't have ass-hymens, contrary to badfic belief)? So... the spell, much like uni-sex environments in real life, just encourages youthful same-sex lovin'. XD Not what Neil intended, I'm sure.
but what about what Jamie and Alex were doing. Do you have to be fifteen to do that?"
Hermione gave Harry a trenchant
Did you hear what I said about the Thesaurus, Neil?
look as Harry felt a large knot form in his stomach. Suddenly the idea of facing Voldemort all over again seemed attractive, certainly more appealing than a discussion of oral sex with his two young daughters.
They're young only in body, Harry. Which is not an excuse to feel them up, but they're certainly not innocents.
"No, you don't have to be fifteen to do what Jamie and Alex were doing, but it is something that should not be taken lightly," he said nervously.
Just tell 'em all about STDs, Harry. Best way to ensure abstinence, as far as I'm concerned - just also tell 'em condoms can break, then have Hermione tell 'em all about the maaaaaaaarvels of pregnancy. :D (Also point them to weepingcock . It will both "educate" them and make them take vows of celibacy. :P)
"Doing that sort of thing is very personal, tastes gadawful, and should only be done with someone you have a strong relationship with. Usually someone you love and if not already married, have plans to marry."
"Alex, are you and Jamie getting married?" Emily asked bluntly.
Alex was caught off guard, but looked lovingly at Jamie who was now sitting on his lap. Totally platonically, I'm suuuuuuuure. He gave her a brief hug. "Yes, we are. Actually we were just discussing it today. We still have a year at Hogwarts and then hopefully Auror training, but after that we want to get married."
"I'll be an aunt," Emily said joyfully, "Aunt Emily."
DX And you'll be one of those sickos who molest the nieces and nephews, eh?
"Let's not rush things," Jamie said cautiously. "We both want children, but not too soon."
How about never?
"Sometimes you can't plan out your life," Hermione said, first clutching Caitlin's hand and then patting Emily's thigh.
D8 NO, NO, ONLY I get to insert things like that, you hear me?!
"But children are something you love whenever they pop into your life."
Gee, I think I just heard the entire childfree community let out a deep growl...
"Can we get back to talking about sex,"
NO.
Emily said with annoyance as she looked at her Dad. "How are we expected to know how to do things if no one ever teaches us or at least lets us watch them do it?"
*literally stops and stares at the screen*
*jaw drops open*
NEIL, YOU SICK, SICK FUCK! YOU SICK FUCK! *DESTROYS DOWNTOWN BERKELEY* YOU SICK FUCK!!!
...I HATE Neil. Seriously, total predator fantasy. 'But she was ASKING for it, Officer'... Yeah, well, won't protect you in real life, sicko.
CHILD GROOMING. Total, total CHILD GROOMING.
Harry was both flustered
You SICK fuck!
and tongued tied.
I'm so angry that I don't even care about that typo.
Was Emily suggesting that her and Caitlin be allowed to watch Hermione and him make love?
Harry, at this point, should be just saying HELL NO and trying to find out WHAT Emily's been doing that makes her think that's a good idea. I - I just - NO. SO MUCH NO.
{snip St. Hermione talking about how Speshul sex is with the right partner.}
"Enough talk about sex," Harry said. "You two are much too young to have such an insatiable curiosity on the subject.
The Earth Logic must be exploding out of Ron again. *whistles* He wouldn't use his Earth Logic, but he couldn't get rid of it; it turned inward and drove him mad, it exploded out of him when he couldn't get rid of it, and at times, he was strange and dangerous.
Besides, we have two heroes in our presence.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! SUUUES!
I want to hear all the details of what happened today. How did you get back so early? Did the Ministry pPortkey you back to Hogwarts?"
"Yes, the Ministry did give us a pPortkey to get back to school. As for what happened, it was all a case of being in the right place at the right time and being utter Sues," Alex said.
{poof, it happened because of Harry and Hermione's intervention. YAY.}
"Rather than wonder off,
That sounds like something Ariana Dumbledore would do. Or possibly Luna Lovegood.
we decided to just nosey about, hoping that Mr. Ollivander would return shortly," Jamie said. "There was a pathway between the two stores and so we decided to have a look around."
"I was inquisitive as to what was behind the shops to separate them from Muggle London," Alex added.
Hermione and Harry both exchanged glances, neither, until now, having ever given this a thought.
Secrecy Charms?
"Our mere surprise presence evidently gave the two beefy oaths
BAHAHAHAHA! What, did they take over an hour to recite each?
that were prowling about a fright because they immediately drew their wands on us.
The oaths had wandes? O_o
They caught me off guard and Alex unfortunately was unarmed," Jamie stated. "He's such a bottom. Before we knew what was happening; we were both struck by curses that sent us crashing against the back wall of the shop."
"Mr. Ollivander, who was inside the shop, came bursting through the door like some superhero in a Muggle movie or comic book," Alex said admiringly.
Ollivander.
Western Superhero.
Ollivander.
Western Superhero.
...Yeah, that sounds prettty awesome, come to think of it, but it's also FREAKIN' ABSURD.
"He might be elderly, but it certainly hasn't lessened his magical ability. Those two oafs didn't know what hit them."
"Harry, it... it was the same two that attacked me after the World Cup Match," Jamie said nervously.
Albus Severus: WHAT A COINCIDENCE! *eerie giggling*
"Mr. Ollivander must have sounded some sort of silent alarm, because within minutes, the area was swarming with law enforcement. Once everything was deemed safe, even Minster Wrong Apparated along with some Aurors."
"Then they took the culprits into custody?" Harry asked. "No one was hurt? You're both heroes!"
"That's what Minister Wrong said," Jamie acknowledged. "Although all we did was get ourselves thrown against a building."
"But that appraised Mr. Ollivander of the dangerous situation and afforded him the opportunity to capture the perpetrators," Harry said proudly.
So OLLIVANDER saved the day.
...*facepalm* So the Sues got called heroes for NOTHING?
* * * * * *
[Spork to be continued later]