This is your brain on caffeine and insomnia
I was looking back on past entries, and I have say -- I sound like a fucking schizophrenic (no offense to any schizophrenic folks out there). I'm serious. Moody does not even BEGIN to describe it. And I wonder, "My God. People must think I'm nuts." And then I remember that I am nuts, and all is right with the world again.
Jeez.
And now for something totally off topic: I spent $153 on GROCERIES today ;-; GOOD LORD!!!!!!!!!! That took up most of BOTH my checkbooks *sobs* Yes. I have two checkbooks. My primary and emergency funds. Scarily enough, my emergency fund has more money than my primary at all times >-< And DAMN IT!!!!!!!! My car insurance is coming due in December! Merry Christmas to ME!!!!! BAH HUMBUG!!!!!
I'd better get paid Thursday or I will be one helluva pissed off Guardian.
Haven't talked to the 'rents about THE TALK yet. I'm scared to even bring it up over the phone cuz my mom has this nasty habit of worrying unnecessarily and then making me feel guilty about it. One of the questions that rests heavily on my mind lately - in preparation for THE TALK - is: Why didn't my parents send me at least once to a counselor after I got into that car accident with my uncle? When I was eight I was sleeping over at my cousin's house and they were going to a wedding which I was to attend with them. On the way, I was dozing off and someone made an illegal left turn into us. My uncle (who was driving) lost control of the car, bypassed a gas pipline and we drove into the bayou. My older cousin Shane and his friend Joe broke the back window and pulled my hair to get me out (I was unconscious) before helping his little sister out and getting himself out. My aunt got out herself, so did Joe. A lady who saw the accident jumped in and pulled me out of the water. My uncle (whose knees were trapped under the steering wheel) drowned. It became apparent pretty early that I had survivor's guilt. I still do, and no one ever thought that maybe my eight-nine year old self might need to talk about what happened????? O.o; I still feel the need to talk about it, and it happened almost 16 years ago!
Don't get me wrong, my parents are possibly the most attentive parents you'll find on this earth - not in a smothering way, they're sort of self-mediating. It's very strange O.o; But they provide a very real balance that I'm just coming to appreciate. I think their avoidance of the issue was more that they didn't know how to handle it . . . or maybe they genuinely thought it had not affected me that much. I don't know. It just always struck me that NO ONE even mentioned that I might need to talk to someone about it. Not my aunts, not my uncles, not my grandparents. NOBODY. My parents never even talked to me about it - aside from asking me what I remembered. Perhaps it's the fact that I was unconscious for most of it? I just don't know.
What really surprises me that it still affects me in a major way -- for instance, I can't remember what my mother and I were talking about but I was harping on my brother for his bad driving habits and my mom sort of reprimanded me. I made a comment that it's surprising I don't have a phobia of cars and my mom made a rather (to me) insensitive joke that just made me fly off the handle. While I was ranting, near tears, I said something like, "You may not realize it but I think about it every day!" Which is true. I can't not think about it. Because I could have died. Because someone did die. Because I almost wasted my second chance - more than once. Because I still live with the (erroneous) view that - somehow - it was my fault (I never figured out how, but when I was younger I was convinced it was ALL my fault).
For the record, I'm not on caffeine. At all. Actually, I'm currently in caffeine WITHDRAWAL - shakes, huge no-way-to-get-relief headache. My musings are - I think - a symptom of something that has been on my mind for a long time, and is now reaching a necessary conclusion. I need to get it all off my chest. I need to tell my parents (once again cuz they never seem to believe me - particularly my mom) that my emotional problems were not their fault, but more, WHY it wasn't their fault. I have to apologize for making their lives hell, for being abusive to my brother, for just . . . everything. But - most of all - I need to let them know that no matter what hurdles life throws me from now on, I am truly going to be okay. I have been okay for at least a year and a half now - perhaps longer. And I want to celebrate this wholeness I feel with them. This utter joy at being alive - even if its stressful and insomnia doesn't let me have any peace . . . I am happy with who I am, with what I have, with what has been, and what will come.
Who could ask for anything more?
- Kysra
Jeez.
And now for something totally off topic: I spent $153 on GROCERIES today ;-; GOOD LORD!!!!!!!!!! That took up most of BOTH my checkbooks *sobs* Yes. I have two checkbooks. My primary and emergency funds. Scarily enough, my emergency fund has more money than my primary at all times >-< And DAMN IT!!!!!!!! My car insurance is coming due in December! Merry Christmas to ME!!!!! BAH HUMBUG!!!!!
I'd better get paid Thursday or I will be one helluva pissed off Guardian.
Haven't talked to the 'rents about THE TALK yet. I'm scared to even bring it up over the phone cuz my mom has this nasty habit of worrying unnecessarily and then making me feel guilty about it. One of the questions that rests heavily on my mind lately - in preparation for THE TALK - is: Why didn't my parents send me at least once to a counselor after I got into that car accident with my uncle? When I was eight I was sleeping over at my cousin's house and they were going to a wedding which I was to attend with them. On the way, I was dozing off and someone made an illegal left turn into us. My uncle (who was driving) lost control of the car, bypassed a gas pipline and we drove into the bayou. My older cousin Shane and his friend Joe broke the back window and pulled my hair to get me out (I was unconscious) before helping his little sister out and getting himself out. My aunt got out herself, so did Joe. A lady who saw the accident jumped in and pulled me out of the water. My uncle (whose knees were trapped under the steering wheel) drowned. It became apparent pretty early that I had survivor's guilt. I still do, and no one ever thought that maybe my eight-nine year old self might need to talk about what happened????? O.o; I still feel the need to talk about it, and it happened almost 16 years ago!
Don't get me wrong, my parents are possibly the most attentive parents you'll find on this earth - not in a smothering way, they're sort of self-mediating. It's very strange O.o; But they provide a very real balance that I'm just coming to appreciate. I think their avoidance of the issue was more that they didn't know how to handle it . . . or maybe they genuinely thought it had not affected me that much. I don't know. It just always struck me that NO ONE even mentioned that I might need to talk to someone about it. Not my aunts, not my uncles, not my grandparents. NOBODY. My parents never even talked to me about it - aside from asking me what I remembered. Perhaps it's the fact that I was unconscious for most of it? I just don't know.
What really surprises me that it still affects me in a major way -- for instance, I can't remember what my mother and I were talking about but I was harping on my brother for his bad driving habits and my mom sort of reprimanded me. I made a comment that it's surprising I don't have a phobia of cars and my mom made a rather (to me) insensitive joke that just made me fly off the handle. While I was ranting, near tears, I said something like, "You may not realize it but I think about it every day!" Which is true. I can't not think about it. Because I could have died. Because someone did die. Because I almost wasted my second chance - more than once. Because I still live with the (erroneous) view that - somehow - it was my fault (I never figured out how, but when I was younger I was convinced it was ALL my fault).
For the record, I'm not on caffeine. At all. Actually, I'm currently in caffeine WITHDRAWAL - shakes, huge no-way-to-get-relief headache. My musings are - I think - a symptom of something that has been on my mind for a long time, and is now reaching a necessary conclusion. I need to get it all off my chest. I need to tell my parents (once again cuz they never seem to believe me - particularly my mom) that my emotional problems were not their fault, but more, WHY it wasn't their fault. I have to apologize for making their lives hell, for being abusive to my brother, for just . . . everything. But - most of all - I need to let them know that no matter what hurdles life throws me from now on, I am truly going to be okay. I have been okay for at least a year and a half now - perhaps longer. And I want to celebrate this wholeness I feel with them. This utter joy at being alive - even if its stressful and insomnia doesn't let me have any peace . . . I am happy with who I am, with what I have, with what has been, and what will come.
Who could ask for anything more?
- Kysra