dember 23rd, 2000
Ten years ago today, my grandfather passed away. He died on the hour of 6:00 exactly, something I'll never forget. He had been suffering from strokes on and off for over two years at that point; he first had a stroke in the summer when I was 9.
He lived with us in an adjoining attachment to our house where he and my grandmother had lived since a little before I was born. My grandmother passed away in November when I was 4. I barely remember her. But my grandfather... I remember him more than her and he's my only attachment to them. He was my best friend for years. I would come home after school and sit with him, stay with him, and talk to him for hours. It might be worthwhile to mention that he's also my father's father; my mother's father died long before I was born.
My mom claims that when my grandfather died, there was a deer outside and two snow birds, a sign that my grandfather had rejoined his wife and that he was safe. I don't know if I believe that happened, but it certainly comforted me.
I lost more than a grandfather that day. I lost someone who was more important to me than almost anyone else in the world. I have never forgotten him and I've tried to live my life the way he's wanted me to.
In some ways, I believe I've failed him terribly.
The past three years of my life have been filled with the most loss and hardship than I've ever had since those years. Still, I truly hope that I can come out of this with something to prove that I've changed for the better. I want to make him proud. I want him to be pleased for me. So far, I don't think I've done that.
It's been ten years since I've seen him and I've never stopped missing him. The holidays have never been the same without him and I've never enjoyed them like I once have. It's never going to be the same.
And even though I have my roommates and I have Kelly...I still feel so lonely without him.