fear of commitment.

[guardgirl91]

this fear has got to stop. It always gets in the way of me being happy with someone. When will it stop? when i find someone i'm completely comfortable with? But how am i supposed to do that, when whenever i start to really like someone i push them away. I get to scared. I expect them to hate me, to hurt me. I've been hurt, used, crushed to many times. i can't trust you. i can't trust anyone. making this all extremely harder. i'm pretty much doomed to be single forever. I just keep pushing. I haven't started it yet with tyler. But i probably will. I warned him i tend to do that, and unless he really keeps trying to talk to me, when i start to do that, then everything will come crashing down. My really good friends know i do that. especially when things get tough. And i can't help it. I get stressed, i get annoyed, and i can't deal with shit. I'm fucked up. I can't keep friends, i can't keep boyfriends, i always fuck stuff up. And it usually happens because of this gay ass fear of commitment. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to avoid it. I wanna be able to be happy with someone, with out all these nagging fears in the back of head. I always think that they don't really like me, that i annoy them, all these thoughts haunt me. And then i push them away. I stop talking to them, i avoid them. I do it all the time. I did it when Tyler first wanted to talk to me, i was to scared to talk to him. I'm happy i did, but how long with this last? I guess if he keeps calling me, then i won't do it. I almost did it last night, but i didn't. Thank god. But i just don't know how to stop it. I don't know what to do. I'm waiting till i do it. I'm trying to stop it, i'm trying to prevent it, but i don't know how. I don't know what to do to stop it. I don't know completely what causes it. Am i just scared about the sexual commitment of a relationship? Or the actual commitment? I used to think that it was just the sexual commitment, but now i don't know. I think its everything, that bugs me, that scares me. I can't do it. I used to be able to, but after Tony and Shawn, i can't do it. I'm fucked up. I can't be with someone, with out constantly being scared.
I don't know what to do.
How to stop it.