my harp and my halo
i think i have misplaced
my illusions of grandure
somewhere, long ago
but perhaps it is for the best
i need to figure out
not what i want from life
but what i want to give
the last few days, i've been pretty depressed. maybe the last few weeks. it's been such a bummer. the worst thing about depression is that there is no reason for it. nothing good ever came from strait up depression. to mourn is okay. to be afraid is okay. to be pissed off is okay. but to be downright depressed is lame.
sam and brian and i went to salmon days in samamish. we watched the fishes jump over the dams and we watched the fishes flop flop flop around out of the water. it's pretty strange if you've never seen it before, but i've seen it afew times. i remember seeing the salmon in the columbia river when i was a little kid.
the three of us stopped at a picnic bench and ate banana sammiches with cocoa hazelnut spread and appricot preserves. we washed it down with pear apple and pear raspberry sparkeling cider. we chased that down with ginger snaps. a cop stopped by and asked what we were drinking. of course, they were just making sure we wern't drinking wine in public.
when we got back to the house, brian and i just crashed and took a nap. whitney left to do homework.
a girl called on my phone. i didn't recognise the number but i just assumed it was kristina, asking me to go eat waffles with her. it was actualy noelle, a girl who recently moved here from san fransisco. i met her on myspace. she said she was lying in bed and needed to do something. i was lying in bed, too. so i guess we were a perfect match to go get waffles.
she drives an suv. a toyota.
breakfast for sunday dinner is beautiful. when i have a family of my own, that's going to be a fucking tradition because it's fantastic. noel and i shared awkward conversation. she commented that i drank a lot of water. i was still kind of stoned from the spinello brian and i smoked with sam, so of course i was thirsty.
i'm just glad that noelle didn't look as much like my ex as i had expected.
noelle is an independant girl. you can tell a lot about a girl by how she wears her make up. you really can. we talked about drinking and throwing up. we talked about our significant others.
after that, i came back to my apartment and went to bed. i tossed and turned and really didn't want to go to sleep, but i couldn't think of anything else to do.
i once wanted to direct films. i couldn't even tell you what kinds of films i wanted to do. are those dramatic fiction, i suppose. i'm starting to really apreciate the horror genre. but for now, i think i really just want to do some documentaries.
what makes me think that i am good enough to make my own films anyway? everybody wants to make films. everybody wants to be a fucking director. seriously, i think movie director is one of the most saught after job. everybody wants to direct their own movie all about their sad sappy life. what makes me different?
what makes me think that i'm going to do well in school? what if i get there and i find myself battleing my same old bad attitude? what if i find myself in school struggling to care? i know i need to go to school and get a degree but am i really interested in doing all the work?
i'm afraid of these things. being responsible for myself.
i can't make rent this month, so i think i'm going to move to my grandma's old house in west seattle until school starts. i hope i can move into the dorms. but my uncle is talking about getting a house for jimmy and i to live in. hopefuly, it'll be a nice place in capitol hill where we can rent out some rooms.
my illusions of grandure
somewhere, long ago
but perhaps it is for the best
i need to figure out
not what i want from life
but what i want to give
the last few days, i've been pretty depressed. maybe the last few weeks. it's been such a bummer. the worst thing about depression is that there is no reason for it. nothing good ever came from strait up depression. to mourn is okay. to be afraid is okay. to be pissed off is okay. but to be downright depressed is lame.
sam and brian and i went to salmon days in samamish. we watched the fishes jump over the dams and we watched the fishes flop flop flop around out of the water. it's pretty strange if you've never seen it before, but i've seen it afew times. i remember seeing the salmon in the columbia river when i was a little kid.
the three of us stopped at a picnic bench and ate banana sammiches with cocoa hazelnut spread and appricot preserves. we washed it down with pear apple and pear raspberry sparkeling cider. we chased that down with ginger snaps. a cop stopped by and asked what we were drinking. of course, they were just making sure we wern't drinking wine in public.
when we got back to the house, brian and i just crashed and took a nap. whitney left to do homework.
a girl called on my phone. i didn't recognise the number but i just assumed it was kristina, asking me to go eat waffles with her. it was actualy noelle, a girl who recently moved here from san fransisco. i met her on myspace. she said she was lying in bed and needed to do something. i was lying in bed, too. so i guess we were a perfect match to go get waffles.
she drives an suv. a toyota.
breakfast for sunday dinner is beautiful. when i have a family of my own, that's going to be a fucking tradition because it's fantastic. noel and i shared awkward conversation. she commented that i drank a lot of water. i was still kind of stoned from the spinello brian and i smoked with sam, so of course i was thirsty.
i'm just glad that noelle didn't look as much like my ex as i had expected.
noelle is an independant girl. you can tell a lot about a girl by how she wears her make up. you really can. we talked about drinking and throwing up. we talked about our significant others.
after that, i came back to my apartment and went to bed. i tossed and turned and really didn't want to go to sleep, but i couldn't think of anything else to do.
i once wanted to direct films. i couldn't even tell you what kinds of films i wanted to do. are those dramatic fiction, i suppose. i'm starting to really apreciate the horror genre. but for now, i think i really just want to do some documentaries.
what makes me think that i am good enough to make my own films anyway? everybody wants to make films. everybody wants to be a fucking director. seriously, i think movie director is one of the most saught after job. everybody wants to direct their own movie all about their sad sappy life. what makes me different?
what makes me think that i'm going to do well in school? what if i get there and i find myself battleing my same old bad attitude? what if i find myself in school struggling to care? i know i need to go to school and get a degree but am i really interested in doing all the work?
i'm afraid of these things. being responsible for myself.
i can't make rent this month, so i think i'm going to move to my grandma's old house in west seattle until school starts. i hope i can move into the dorms. but my uncle is talking about getting a house for jimmy and i to live in. hopefuly, it'll be a nice place in capitol hill where we can rent out some rooms.