david
my landlord is a cock blocker
in so many ways
let me tell you the ways
marty came up to my room and knocked. in his hand, he had two round white pills.
"bye!" he said. and he threw them in his mouth and chased it with beer.
"vicodin?" i asked him.
"oxy," he corrected me.
"do you have any more?"
"no."
"asshole!"
"hey man," he pointed out. "you had two girls yesterday and you didn't share any with me."
and i remembered yes, i passed marty on the porch yesterday. i had two girls with me. big becca and little becca. eventualy we met up with andrew and we went shopping and they all bought me food. it was beautiful.
"but pills arn't like girls," i said.
"yeah they are," he said. "you can pop 'em. and in seattle, it damn near takes a percription to get your hands on any."
this much is true.
marty found a cd case in the bushes at the school. he showed them to me. it had some great cds. and some gay cds. we sat on the porch and listened to this wilco cd. i love it.
a blonde girl walks up and she's kind of cute.
"can we help you?" marty asks.
"oh i'm waiting for david," she said.
"are you moving in?" i ask, ernestly.
"yes," she says. "the top room!"
that's right across from my room!
david the landlord comes around the corner and he stands right behind the girl in a sleazy sort of way.
"you and i have some business to take care of," he says to her. "so if you'd like to go away somewhere and do this, i'd like to take you over here where it's easier to take care of this business."
whoa, dude. it almost sounds like you're trying to solicit her sex.
they go inside to talk and then they come back out and leave.
marty and i just look at eachother, mouths open.
"she was looking you up and down like you were a pork chop!" he exclaims.
"and she can eat the meat off my bones any day!" i said.
"she was looking at you like you were chips and she was dip!"
"and i got no problem dippin' into some quakamole!"
okay that was kind of gross. but it made us laugh.
"when is she moving in?" he asked.
i didn't know. so i had to call david and ask him. i picked up the phone dialed up the ol' land lord.
"who is that cute chick? is she moving in?" i ask him.
"yes," he says.
"when?"
"i think you are being inapropriate," he says.
"oh common man," i plead.
"you are being so inapropriate," he says.
well, i was drunk. that was my excuse. i just hang up.
it isn't long before david and the girl come back around. and david pulls me asside. he says he wants help with something in the truck.
"that's a real nice girl over there," he said. "and the reason why i told you that you were being innapropriate is because she was right there with me when you were asking."
i laughed. no big deal. do i care? no. i'm drunk.
"and second, don't shit where you eat man."
"dude. i know. you don't need to talk to me about that."
"really?" he asked, slightly nervous.
"trust me. i know first hand."
"i've worked too hard to get some females in this building for you to fuck it up," he said.
whoa dude. how could i not laugh?
"this is the sort of thing that makes drama and causes tennants to want to move out," he said. "and i'm trying to run a business here."
whoa dude. i just turn around and walk off, laughing. how can he be such an asshole? i'm not even trying to get in her pants. i just think she's cute and want to know when she's moving in.
so i ask her myself. and she tells me. sometime this week, she'll be moving in.
"and i got a big futon, so i might need some help," she says, looking at me.
oh. ouch! she's throwing her cuteness around like it's money. minus ten from the cuteness score.
joe comes down to see whats up. so we all get accointed. it's beautiful. and david comes around the corner.
"oh, joe! i just want to clarify, now that everyone is here," he said. "that there will be no going up on the roof. i heard you were inviting people to go up there with you."
love it. he just points people out like that. yes, infact joe invited one of david's friends onto the roof.
"and this is tiffany," he said.
"like the lamp?" marty asked.
"yeah!" she said.
"and i just got done telling josh that tiffany is a nice girl and we're going to treat her respectfuly and decently."
"i think i can handle my own," she says. "i grew up with brothers."
"oh i'm not worried about that one," he says, looking at me, "it's the other one that i'm worried about."
of course after david leaves, tiffany sticks around. we talk for a bit. we go up to look at her new room. and she looks at mine. and we talk for a bit about music.
she shows me her cds. she had the last three our lady peace cds. she had system of a down. she had all third eye blind cds. she had the mighty mighty bosstones. she had the cowboy bebop soundtrack. the stinger was the stained cd.
that's minus fifty on the cute meter.
david. you have nothing to worry about. i will not try to date this girl. i refuse to date a girl with a lousy cd collection.
and i said, "besides, you're gonna have to try a lot harder to block this cock. yeah!"
and andrew said, "cos i'm rick james, bitch!">
in so many ways
let me tell you the ways
marty came up to my room and knocked. in his hand, he had two round white pills.
"bye!" he said. and he threw them in his mouth and chased it with beer.
"vicodin?" i asked him.
"oxy," he corrected me.
"do you have any more?"
"no."
"asshole!"
"hey man," he pointed out. "you had two girls yesterday and you didn't share any with me."
and i remembered yes, i passed marty on the porch yesterday. i had two girls with me. big becca and little becca. eventualy we met up with andrew and we went shopping and they all bought me food. it was beautiful.
"but pills arn't like girls," i said.
"yeah they are," he said. "you can pop 'em. and in seattle, it damn near takes a percription to get your hands on any."
this much is true.
marty found a cd case in the bushes at the school. he showed them to me. it had some great cds. and some gay cds. we sat on the porch and listened to this wilco cd. i love it.
a blonde girl walks up and she's kind of cute.
"can we help you?" marty asks.
"oh i'm waiting for david," she said.
"are you moving in?" i ask, ernestly.
"yes," she says. "the top room!"
that's right across from my room!
david the landlord comes around the corner and he stands right behind the girl in a sleazy sort of way.
"you and i have some business to take care of," he says to her. "so if you'd like to go away somewhere and do this, i'd like to take you over here where it's easier to take care of this business."
whoa, dude. it almost sounds like you're trying to solicit her sex.
they go inside to talk and then they come back out and leave.
marty and i just look at eachother, mouths open.
"she was looking you up and down like you were a pork chop!" he exclaims.
"and she can eat the meat off my bones any day!" i said.
"she was looking at you like you were chips and she was dip!"
"and i got no problem dippin' into some quakamole!"
okay that was kind of gross. but it made us laugh.
"when is she moving in?" he asked.
i didn't know. so i had to call david and ask him. i picked up the phone dialed up the ol' land lord.
"who is that cute chick? is she moving in?" i ask him.
"yes," he says.
"when?"
"i think you are being inapropriate," he says.
"oh common man," i plead.
"you are being so inapropriate," he says.
well, i was drunk. that was my excuse. i just hang up.
it isn't long before david and the girl come back around. and david pulls me asside. he says he wants help with something in the truck.
"that's a real nice girl over there," he said. "and the reason why i told you that you were being innapropriate is because she was right there with me when you were asking."
i laughed. no big deal. do i care? no. i'm drunk.
"and second, don't shit where you eat man."
"dude. i know. you don't need to talk to me about that."
"really?" he asked, slightly nervous.
"trust me. i know first hand."
"i've worked too hard to get some females in this building for you to fuck it up," he said.
whoa dude. how could i not laugh?
"this is the sort of thing that makes drama and causes tennants to want to move out," he said. "and i'm trying to run a business here."
whoa dude. i just turn around and walk off, laughing. how can he be such an asshole? i'm not even trying to get in her pants. i just think she's cute and want to know when she's moving in.
so i ask her myself. and she tells me. sometime this week, she'll be moving in.
"and i got a big futon, so i might need some help," she says, looking at me.
oh. ouch! she's throwing her cuteness around like it's money. minus ten from the cuteness score.
joe comes down to see whats up. so we all get accointed. it's beautiful. and david comes around the corner.
"oh, joe! i just want to clarify, now that everyone is here," he said. "that there will be no going up on the roof. i heard you were inviting people to go up there with you."
love it. he just points people out like that. yes, infact joe invited one of david's friends onto the roof.
"and this is tiffany," he said.
"like the lamp?" marty asked.
"yeah!" she said.
"and i just got done telling josh that tiffany is a nice girl and we're going to treat her respectfuly and decently."
"i think i can handle my own," she says. "i grew up with brothers."
"oh i'm not worried about that one," he says, looking at me, "it's the other one that i'm worried about."
of course after david leaves, tiffany sticks around. we talk for a bit. we go up to look at her new room. and she looks at mine. and we talk for a bit about music.
she shows me her cds. she had the last three our lady peace cds. she had system of a down. she had all third eye blind cds. she had the mighty mighty bosstones. she had the cowboy bebop soundtrack. the stinger was the stained cd.
that's minus fifty on the cute meter.
david. you have nothing to worry about. i will not try to date this girl. i refuse to date a girl with a lousy cd collection.
and i said, "besides, you're gonna have to try a lot harder to block this cock. yeah!"
and andrew said, "cos i'm rick james, bitch!">