The Ghosts of Boyfriends Past
I think it's time for me to make amends with my exes. I don't know how exactly but I think I'm going to finally be strong enough to at least try. Its hard to move on when you never got any real closure. Each relationship was abruptly ended without any real feelings being shared.
The one that really bothers me the most is losing him. Losing him then.... losing him now. And now he's gone forever. Not just from my life but from this world. I never had a chance to say goodbye or to even tell him how I felt. I ran away from every opportunity I had because I was afraid. Instead, I chose to hate him because it was far easier to understand than continue loving him after he hurt me the way he did. No matter what he did, healthy or not, I would have continued to love him... I always knew that. And that's why I couldn't talk to him back in 2009. That message wasn't vindictive. There wasn't an ounce of selfishness. He truly meant everything he said. And I think deep down I knew that. And that's why it made me so mad, because in that one little message I remembered why I loved him.
He always remembered me on my birthday.
I realize I don't have a single memory of him. And that bothers me.
Everything that reminded me of him, I got rid of. Every photo. Every charm. Everything. I got rid of everything like some crazed jilted lover. I tore up every picture, smashed every gift. Lashed out at people who didn't deserve a verbal smack down. I was such a horrible person to others... no wonder I tried to get rid of all my memories.
He, on the other hand, was never really a mean spirited person. At least not on purpose. Well, except for that one time that changed everything, forever. But despite that, after really thinking about it, I truly feel like he never set out to intentionally hurt me. Like many of us in our 20s, we make really stupid decisions that lead to mistakes that can really effect the lives of others. I think, as we transition into adulthood, we are not given the tools to know how to effectively communicate with others and as a result, we really fuck things up. And in his defense, because I never really dealt with my emotions for him, I ultimately ended up doing and saying some really fucked up things to innocent people and for it, they probably hate me.
One thing I've recently learned in therapy is how the mind and body can trick you. You think you feel one way about someone when it's totally a different emotion entirely. For instance, I now understand the so-called hate I feel towards my brother.
You miss him.
When my therapist said those three words, I was blown away by the simplicity. I never was able to form how I was feeling into words, but it really is as simple as I miss him. I do and that's where all of the hurt stems from. But it seemed so hard to gather that when we never had that much of a relationship to begin with. BUT maybe time is truly relative in our interactions with one another. Maybe it's all about how you felt when you were with that person.. and those emotions can manifest in an instant. I think one of my first loves was my brother. It explains my current rejection... why I feel like he's moved on to bigger and better things. Things more important than his little sister. And that's why it hurts the way it does.
So through all of this, I'm seeking peace with those I can still make peace with... while we're still living and breathing on this earth. From him I've learned, you only have one life. I think it will be good for the soul. Getting together with my old college friend really made me realize that making amends can be a blessing in disguise. Sure it's scary, but it can open doors that otherwise would have remained closed. Grudges take up a lot of negative energy and as someone else has told me, as you continue holding a grudge, that other person has moved on and happy. And well, is that really worth it?
And that's why I messaged the Dreadful Ex...
TBC.
The one that really bothers me the most is losing him. Losing him then.... losing him now. And now he's gone forever. Not just from my life but from this world. I never had a chance to say goodbye or to even tell him how I felt. I ran away from every opportunity I had because I was afraid. Instead, I chose to hate him because it was far easier to understand than continue loving him after he hurt me the way he did. No matter what he did, healthy or not, I would have continued to love him... I always knew that. And that's why I couldn't talk to him back in 2009. That message wasn't vindictive. There wasn't an ounce of selfishness. He truly meant everything he said. And I think deep down I knew that. And that's why it made me so mad, because in that one little message I remembered why I loved him.
He always remembered me on my birthday.
I realize I don't have a single memory of him. And that bothers me.
Everything that reminded me of him, I got rid of. Every photo. Every charm. Everything. I got rid of everything like some crazed jilted lover. I tore up every picture, smashed every gift. Lashed out at people who didn't deserve a verbal smack down. I was such a horrible person to others... no wonder I tried to get rid of all my memories.
He, on the other hand, was never really a mean spirited person. At least not on purpose. Well, except for that one time that changed everything, forever. But despite that, after really thinking about it, I truly feel like he never set out to intentionally hurt me. Like many of us in our 20s, we make really stupid decisions that lead to mistakes that can really effect the lives of others. I think, as we transition into adulthood, we are not given the tools to know how to effectively communicate with others and as a result, we really fuck things up. And in his defense, because I never really dealt with my emotions for him, I ultimately ended up doing and saying some really fucked up things to innocent people and for it, they probably hate me.
One thing I've recently learned in therapy is how the mind and body can trick you. You think you feel one way about someone when it's totally a different emotion entirely. For instance, I now understand the so-called hate I feel towards my brother.
You miss him.
When my therapist said those three words, I was blown away by the simplicity. I never was able to form how I was feeling into words, but it really is as simple as I miss him. I do and that's where all of the hurt stems from. But it seemed so hard to gather that when we never had that much of a relationship to begin with. BUT maybe time is truly relative in our interactions with one another. Maybe it's all about how you felt when you were with that person.. and those emotions can manifest in an instant. I think one of my first loves was my brother. It explains my current rejection... why I feel like he's moved on to bigger and better things. Things more important than his little sister. And that's why it hurts the way it does.
So through all of this, I'm seeking peace with those I can still make peace with... while we're still living and breathing on this earth. From him I've learned, you only have one life. I think it will be good for the soul. Getting together with my old college friend really made me realize that making amends can be a blessing in disguise. Sure it's scary, but it can open doors that otherwise would have remained closed. Grudges take up a lot of negative energy and as someone else has told me, as you continue holding a grudge, that other person has moved on and happy. And well, is that really worth it?
And that's why I messaged the Dreadful Ex...
TBC.