Fuck this!
I hate this... this feelling of hatred, remorse, pain, frustration, my longing for my children.
the sweet taste of death, I have not felt it... but I crave it. to smell the sulfer from the discharged bullet miliseconds before my spirit leaves this horrid shell of flesh and blood. I am not even a friend to my children any more. I only have contact with jacob. and my wages are being taken, and I am unable to pay for transportation... I hate myself. I hate myself for holding things in. I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF! I hate Angela I hate court. I hate this world. I hate this society. I hate the fact that we are on the verge of the second coming of christ only to endure longer and longer... and when its over I am going to burn in hell. I will feel an eternity of pain and tourment.
I am under such emotional stress and there is nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do, but one person. 1 person on this planet can fix this .... and she hates me. she feels that the kids should be hers and hers alone. She see's me as just the cum to produce them, but since they came from her. they are soley hers... it could have been anyone to produce those kids... it could have been anyone I could have fallen in love with, WHY THE HELL WAS IT HER, AND WHY THE HELL ARE THESE FEELLINGS LINGERING... all I wanted was some support in my struggles... instead she distanced herself and walled up her heart... BECAUSE OF MY ACTIONS! all I wanted was a happy home. MY house is gone, my wages or gone, my car will be gone and I am going to struggle with finances for as long as this world is the way it is. I can't support my kids under these circumstances. I won't be able to see them, because I will have no way to retrieve them... to take them to the sitters... to take them to the park, to do anything with them... but go for a walk... I cannot even buy them food. I cannot pay for anything... all my trust and hope lies on Omny, and I can't just give her that burden... She already has her own financial frustrations... I could get a job that pays more... wait I can't get to and from work with no car or gas $$... my possition will forever be the same. I will always feel this overwhelming pain.... I shake.. I shake while typing... while thinking, my breath is short and I feel myself dying ... almost to a point of hyperventalation. I just hope the court... the judge grants me custody. if its denied... I don't know what drastic action I might take. but I have in the past taken drastic steps, only to hurt myself unintentionally .. it's a given that I will do it again.
Please god kill me, I am not worthy to survive, or will I survive as my own ironic form of punishment....
I hate myself.
the sweet taste of death, I have not felt it... but I crave it. to smell the sulfer from the discharged bullet miliseconds before my spirit leaves this horrid shell of flesh and blood. I am not even a friend to my children any more. I only have contact with jacob. and my wages are being taken, and I am unable to pay for transportation... I hate myself. I hate myself for holding things in. I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF! I hate Angela I hate court. I hate this world. I hate this society. I hate the fact that we are on the verge of the second coming of christ only to endure longer and longer... and when its over I am going to burn in hell. I will feel an eternity of pain and tourment.
I am under such emotional stress and there is nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do, but one person. 1 person on this planet can fix this .... and she hates me. she feels that the kids should be hers and hers alone. She see's me as just the cum to produce them, but since they came from her. they are soley hers... it could have been anyone to produce those kids... it could have been anyone I could have fallen in love with, WHY THE HELL WAS IT HER, AND WHY THE HELL ARE THESE FEELLINGS LINGERING... all I wanted was some support in my struggles... instead she distanced herself and walled up her heart... BECAUSE OF MY ACTIONS! all I wanted was a happy home. MY house is gone, my wages or gone, my car will be gone and I am going to struggle with finances for as long as this world is the way it is. I can't support my kids under these circumstances. I won't be able to see them, because I will have no way to retrieve them... to take them to the sitters... to take them to the park, to do anything with them... but go for a walk... I cannot even buy them food. I cannot pay for anything... all my trust and hope lies on Omny, and I can't just give her that burden... She already has her own financial frustrations... I could get a job that pays more... wait I can't get to and from work with no car or gas $$... my possition will forever be the same. I will always feel this overwhelming pain.... I shake.. I shake while typing... while thinking, my breath is short and I feel myself dying ... almost to a point of hyperventalation. I just hope the court... the judge grants me custody. if its denied... I don't know what drastic action I might take. but I have in the past taken drastic steps, only to hurt myself unintentionally .. it's a given that I will do it again.
Please god kill me, I am not worthy to survive, or will I survive as my own ironic form of punishment....
I hate myself.