feelings.... Bleh..
Bleh, I hate feelings. I hate the feelings I am having and have had for a long time. I am going crazy! this tourment in my head and in my heart consumes my spirit, which tells me otherwise.
I love my Omny, she has saved me, but this love/hate I have for Angela is eating my insides away... what do I do? swallow a galon of acid. and hope the burning tissue will drown that pain.
I miss my kids. I love my kids. but only 2 of them will never know me. EVER! I want my daughter. I want my sons. I want Angela to... FUCKING GROW UP! she is out fucking around with her boyfriend instead of taking care of the kids... plop in front of a video game and fuck like rabbits... ARGH, I don't know if it is the jeleousy of her with someone else or the fact she is with someone else in front of my kids. Well... FUCK IT!
I hate this I hate this I hate this. I want to be single so I can hurt other girls... but I don't want to hurt Omny. I want to fuck around my self. I want to flirt and touch and hurt! I want them to fall in love with me only to be dumped. My feellings for Angela are so strong, but I keep ignoring them. Trying to squash them. Why do I have them if I know that she will never have them again? Why do I have this emotional bond with the mother of my children. Maybe because I loved her, Questioned that Love and found it again only to have my heart crushed.... I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of judgement day, I am afraid of the judgement. I am afraid of burning in hell because my marriage didn't work. I am afraid of hurting Omny as it will also be my damnation. But why do I welcome it so much? is it because I feel I have failed. Is it because I was sealed to Angela and I fuct it up. Did I fuck it up or did she... She only acted on what I presented. what did I present? I presented my need for her affection, yet she was giving her affection to someone else.... She did not have time for me, yet she now has time for work school kids and boyfriend... she did not have time for me because she did not want to give it to me, not that she couldn't but didn't want to. Why? WHY!?!?!?! I hate this feeling of regret, remorse... will it ever go away, or is this life my own personal torment and hell... If I am in hell then Why have I dragged Omny into it? Did I drag Omny into it? or did I just go with the flow... I was only with one other person since Angela and before Omny. and it was a stupid over the net thing that lead nowhere... Thats just it ... that is where my agrivation lies... Omny is fun, she is beautiful. But Beauty is everywhere,... Why am I lusting after other girls... why do I want to approch them and get numbers and make arrangements... Why do I want to FUCK so badly... Omny says I am amazing in bed... Why do I want to hear that from more than her....? Was it because I never heard it from Angela??? Why do I want to hear it more?? Because I feel like a failure. and I want to feel like I am good at something. I am not good at marriage... Marriage is so that I am in good with god. But when a holy sealing is broken by the sins of those who were sealed then what obligation is there to hold?? an Eathly wedding is just that... bound for here on earth,,, I understand why. To keep lineage in order.. to give children a solid and stable home... to provent the chaos and disorginization. Because families are holy and that is how life is supposed to work... But with no kids... and my nuts chopped off... shy does it matter... am I just using Omny for an APT for bills for sex... ? I don't know.. I am starting to feel like it. But I like Omny, I see flaws, but I don't dwell on them. I see conflict. but its only temporary. is it?? what if the source of our conflict is my inner tourment pushing us to that conflict? Why am I back here in AZ?? the courts are not working in my favor... If I were to Move to Podunk BFID and get a tech job there.... would I be able to?? Would there even BE a Job there?? I don't have a place to stay... so why should I even go... She says her dad did just that... Moved to AZ to spend time with the kids... He had a van and a place to sleep... I have a little car, its the middle of winter there .... and spring is not anywhere close... so if I split from here, then I would be miserable there... I am already behind in so much child support ... I am stuck in my current possition. I have no one there but my kids. Like my Exwife is going to allow me to stay, or find me a place to stay... and IF I go, then Omny would come. and then we would need a place for 2 as well as work for both of us. we are in a possition where there is income to take care of debt. But again I still do not have my kids... I have so much back child support... I cannot even afford the child support that is put against me. so how am I going to catch up on past child support... I CAN'T, there is no way. So why do I even try?!?!?! the only way I could possibly get on top of my child support is to sell my car, now child support goes from 7000 to 5000, at 1100 a month. now no car. I can sell my PC for 2000-3000, so now I am down to 2500 back child support and 1100 a month, and my work contract is up in 3 months. and then I will still be behind 2000 and no way to work, I have School debt that if I don't start paying they will garnish my wages, child support will garnish, that leaves me with a handfull of change in my pocket. NUKE THIS FUCKING LAND THIS YEAR PLEASE!
I want to fuck. DAMN IT! this is frustrating.... on top of all these feelings and back child support, I will never be in good standing with the church, infact I see myself being excommunicated. So why do I have an obligation with god? Why should I hold true any longer? My soul will be Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.
Kill me now before I commit more sin.
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
I love my Omny, she has saved me, but this love/hate I have for Angela is eating my insides away... what do I do? swallow a galon of acid. and hope the burning tissue will drown that pain.
I miss my kids. I love my kids. but only 2 of them will never know me. EVER! I want my daughter. I want my sons. I want Angela to... FUCKING GROW UP! she is out fucking around with her boyfriend instead of taking care of the kids... plop in front of a video game and fuck like rabbits... ARGH, I don't know if it is the jeleousy of her with someone else or the fact she is with someone else in front of my kids. Well... FUCK IT!
I hate this I hate this I hate this. I want to be single so I can hurt other girls... but I don't want to hurt Omny. I want to fuck around my self. I want to flirt and touch and hurt! I want them to fall in love with me only to be dumped. My feellings for Angela are so strong, but I keep ignoring them. Trying to squash them. Why do I have them if I know that she will never have them again? Why do I have this emotional bond with the mother of my children. Maybe because I loved her, Questioned that Love and found it again only to have my heart crushed.... I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of judgement day, I am afraid of the judgement. I am afraid of burning in hell because my marriage didn't work. I am afraid of hurting Omny as it will also be my damnation. But why do I welcome it so much? is it because I feel I have failed. Is it because I was sealed to Angela and I fuct it up. Did I fuck it up or did she... She only acted on what I presented. what did I present? I presented my need for her affection, yet she was giving her affection to someone else.... She did not have time for me, yet she now has time for work school kids and boyfriend... she did not have time for me because she did not want to give it to me, not that she couldn't but didn't want to. Why? WHY!?!?!?! I hate this feeling of regret, remorse... will it ever go away, or is this life my own personal torment and hell... If I am in hell then Why have I dragged Omny into it? Did I drag Omny into it? or did I just go with the flow... I was only with one other person since Angela and before Omny. and it was a stupid over the net thing that lead nowhere... Thats just it ... that is where my agrivation lies... Omny is fun, she is beautiful. But Beauty is everywhere,... Why am I lusting after other girls... why do I want to approch them and get numbers and make arrangements... Why do I want to FUCK so badly... Omny says I am amazing in bed... Why do I want to hear that from more than her....? Was it because I never heard it from Angela??? Why do I want to hear it more?? Because I feel like a failure. and I want to feel like I am good at something. I am not good at marriage... Marriage is so that I am in good with god. But when a holy sealing is broken by the sins of those who were sealed then what obligation is there to hold?? an Eathly wedding is just that... bound for here on earth,,, I understand why. To keep lineage in order.. to give children a solid and stable home... to provent the chaos and disorginization. Because families are holy and that is how life is supposed to work... But with no kids... and my nuts chopped off... shy does it matter... am I just using Omny for an APT for bills for sex... ? I don't know.. I am starting to feel like it. But I like Omny, I see flaws, but I don't dwell on them. I see conflict. but its only temporary. is it?? what if the source of our conflict is my inner tourment pushing us to that conflict? Why am I back here in AZ?? the courts are not working in my favor... If I were to Move to Podunk BFID and get a tech job there.... would I be able to?? Would there even BE a Job there?? I don't have a place to stay... so why should I even go... She says her dad did just that... Moved to AZ to spend time with the kids... He had a van and a place to sleep... I have a little car, its the middle of winter there .... and spring is not anywhere close... so if I split from here, then I would be miserable there... I am already behind in so much child support ... I am stuck in my current possition. I have no one there but my kids. Like my Exwife is going to allow me to stay, or find me a place to stay... and IF I go, then Omny would come. and then we would need a place for 2 as well as work for both of us. we are in a possition where there is income to take care of debt. But again I still do not have my kids... I have so much back child support... I cannot even afford the child support that is put against me. so how am I going to catch up on past child support... I CAN'T, there is no way. So why do I even try?!?!?! the only way I could possibly get on top of my child support is to sell my car, now child support goes from 7000 to 5000, at 1100 a month. now no car. I can sell my PC for 2000-3000, so now I am down to 2500 back child support and 1100 a month, and my work contract is up in 3 months. and then I will still be behind 2000 and no way to work, I have School debt that if I don't start paying they will garnish my wages, child support will garnish, that leaves me with a handfull of change in my pocket. NUKE THIS FUCKING LAND THIS YEAR PLEASE!
I want to fuck. DAMN IT! this is frustrating.... on top of all these feelings and back child support, I will never be in good standing with the church, infact I see myself being excommunicated. So why do I have an obligation with god? Why should I hold true any longer? My soul will be Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.
Kill me now before I commit more sin.
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.