(no subject)
welp... I had a rough afternoon yesterday.
I got totally frustrated at work, ended up staying 30 minutes later than I needed to and then just praying that God would give me patience and not let me blow up on people even though that is all I really wanted to do. I was SO frustrated.
My evening was good... while it lasted! 1 hour of Kendall wasn't enough to satisfy my "friend-need" for the day. (although it was fun and I got a SoupRSalad raincheck :)) BUT... I wasn't willing to bother anyone else... as it turns out, the world was busy yesterday. So is life.
I recognized some of my faults yesterday... I recognized others faults yesterday... and I recognized my inability to do anything about it... YET! I feel hollow, shallow, or just deaf to God. and no matter what I do, I end up repeating my old habits of insecurity and "depression" (in the elementary sense). I am done faking myself out about the whole deal. I have noted what makes me insecure, what makes me feel useless or worthless. however, I don't think that there is anything that I can do to stop this from happening.
God calls all of us to fellowship with other people... but I find fellowship completely frustrating and at times over-rated. Why would God make us do something that is vital to our spiritual life and then make it so incredibly hard to deal with or understand? I asked God that last night... and then admittingly fell asleep to escape all of the "issues" that were flying around in my head. Granted this didn't solve anything, which is why I am posting this now, but I think that through this post I am making significant progress. My usual habit is to simply give up and chalk all of it up to a hormonal imbalance... cause I am a girl and I can... HOWEVER.. this one has NOTHING to do with hormones... it is simply my true feelings and my 100 percent brutality with myself.
SO here it is... for all the world to see. I AM INSECURE. I hate calling people and doing things with them simply to satisfy my needs... I hate even more when everyone else is doing something with someone and I am not. and this isn't a shot at anyone inparticular and there is no need for anyone to feel bad for making plans without me... that isn't it at all. It is my own inability to feel comfortable with being Kristen by myself that is the issue at hand. And my willingness to drop everything in my life to help anyone and NO ONE taking me up on that offer... except maybe twice.
Here it is again... I am more than willing... actually want to... drop everything in my life to help anyone who needs it. I give anyone and everyone authority to need me. Most importantly... I give myself authority to need others.
But at the base... I have to find myself comfortable with who God has made me... and make me who God wants me to be. Step One: Admitting I suck... I SUCK! Step Two: Letting others know I suck... Hey yall... I SUCK! Step Three: Letting God Know I suck... God, Father, Savior... I SUCK! Step Four: DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!... here I go
In Christ
Kristen
I got totally frustrated at work, ended up staying 30 minutes later than I needed to and then just praying that God would give me patience and not let me blow up on people even though that is all I really wanted to do. I was SO frustrated.
My evening was good... while it lasted! 1 hour of Kendall wasn't enough to satisfy my "friend-need" for the day. (although it was fun and I got a SoupRSalad raincheck :)) BUT... I wasn't willing to bother anyone else... as it turns out, the world was busy yesterday. So is life.
I recognized some of my faults yesterday... I recognized others faults yesterday... and I recognized my inability to do anything about it... YET! I feel hollow, shallow, or just deaf to God. and no matter what I do, I end up repeating my old habits of insecurity and "depression" (in the elementary sense). I am done faking myself out about the whole deal. I have noted what makes me insecure, what makes me feel useless or worthless. however, I don't think that there is anything that I can do to stop this from happening.
God calls all of us to fellowship with other people... but I find fellowship completely frustrating and at times over-rated. Why would God make us do something that is vital to our spiritual life and then make it so incredibly hard to deal with or understand? I asked God that last night... and then admittingly fell asleep to escape all of the "issues" that were flying around in my head. Granted this didn't solve anything, which is why I am posting this now, but I think that through this post I am making significant progress. My usual habit is to simply give up and chalk all of it up to a hormonal imbalance... cause I am a girl and I can... HOWEVER.. this one has NOTHING to do with hormones... it is simply my true feelings and my 100 percent brutality with myself.
SO here it is... for all the world to see. I AM INSECURE. I hate calling people and doing things with them simply to satisfy my needs... I hate even more when everyone else is doing something with someone and I am not. and this isn't a shot at anyone inparticular and there is no need for anyone to feel bad for making plans without me... that isn't it at all. It is my own inability to feel comfortable with being Kristen by myself that is the issue at hand. And my willingness to drop everything in my life to help anyone and NO ONE taking me up on that offer... except maybe twice.
Here it is again... I am more than willing... actually want to... drop everything in my life to help anyone who needs it. I give anyone and everyone authority to need me. Most importantly... I give myself authority to need others.
But at the base... I have to find myself comfortable with who God has made me... and make me who God wants me to be. Step One: Admitting I suck... I SUCK! Step Two: Letting others know I suck... Hey yall... I SUCK! Step Three: Letting God Know I suck... God, Father, Savior... I SUCK! Step Four: DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!... here I go
In Christ
Kristen