(no subject)
I watched dateline with my neighbor, Leslie earlier tonight. A woman was raped 21 years ago and her rapist sent her a letter apologizing. I could relate to her in so many ways. More than I had expected. They were asking her if this letter made her feel sorry for him and if she forgave him. I gave my answer to the television and she agreed. "No". ... Even though John happened over months ago there is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. It's permanently burned into my memory. I still remember everything. everything. The woman on tv said sometimes the human brain is good because it can block out painful memories and you just won't remember. For both of us this isn't the case. I saw him the other day. John. He came through the drive through. I thought I was going to have another anxiety attack when I saw him. My heart was pounding and I almost couldn't slow down. I was shaking as he drove off. I didn't tell anyone. No one. Not even rebecca. I don't know why. I'm sad that Rebecca is out of town and I can't really talk to her about it. I'm sad that all of my closest friends are either 300 miles away or are simply too busy to even call. I'm sad that I can't seem to get over this. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling period. I'm tired of carrying around eight hundred pounds of emotional baggage and no one seems to notice or care. Atleast I know that my fake but tough exterior is convincing. I smile and pretend that life is wonderful to everyone and when I'm alone I just want to die. And if I upset anyone one with that last part... I don't care. Firstly it's how I feel, and secondly, it's not like anyone is reading this anyway. Which is ok too. This post can be just for me. It's ok.
Jenn
Jenn