Where do I begin
Man,
I have no idea where to begin on this entry, I just need some kind of release, I have a lot on my mind, but at the same time I dont know what it is. I have come to the conclusion lately that I need to speak with a psychiatrist or something, because there is obviously something wrong with me.
I think I am going back into depression like I was back in middle school and 10th grade, the main thing that scares the piss out of me is I just dont know why. If I knew what was bothering me, if it was a thing or a person, I would do what I always do now, and solve the problem, but thats just it, I dont know what there is to solve. Everything on the outside appears to be okay, I have a great girlfriend, I couldnt ask for any better, and she helps me so much, my job is getting better once again, Im starting to enjoy going to work, which is a plus, school is okay, Im back on track and working on that, and the car is running great. Its the stuff that goes deeper, that I think is getting me.
In order to fully understand where Im coming from, you have to venture back into my early teen years, back at Dauphin Jr High School, when I was only 13/14. I was in a deep depression those years, I didnt have very many friends, certainly nobody to talk to about things, as a result of this depression, I ruined my relationship with my family, any form of friends that I had, and any thing left of a personality that I had retained. Pretty much sending me into a vegetable state, I walked around like a zombie, I found my release on the internet, and became an internet insomniac, which I still have a problem with today. On the internet I was a fun, and outgoing person, but didnt really know how to communicate like this in the real world. I had social anxiety, I avoided social situations as best as I could, People didnt even know my parents had 3 kids, and if you think im joking, Im not. Anyway, Im getting off subject, during this time, the only way I could help myself was by tricking my emotions so-to-say. Instead of worrying myself, I would push them into the back of my mind and tell myself I was happy. Eventually if you tell yourself something is true, it becomes true, in your mind anyway. But it can never stay that way. You can only trick yourself for so long, and I think my ability to trick myself is wearing out.
The problem now is, I think Im getting back into the depression but I dont know what is causing it, therefore I dont know what to do about it. Just to name a few reasons why I think it might be happening, lack of sleep, finances, and time management.
Can you imagine how scary it is to wake up every day and have a different personality? Thats the way I feel, I feel like my personality changes every day, and I cant control it. Using process of elimination, I think my main reason for this depression is school. Back in the summer, when all I was doing was working, I was fine, I had grown out of my social anxiety and depression by 10th grade and was fine all the way up until when this semester started. In the summer, I was so laid back, so fun-loving and I really was enjoying life. Then school started, I find myself acting entirely different. Im not going to get into it in detail, but the main difference is the way I act toward my girlfriend, baily. Used to, Id be so laid back, as long as I was with her, all was well, she could be doing something while I was doing something else as long as we were in the same vicinity, now its like, if I am around her, and she is not close to me, in my arms, or talking to me, I will get aggravated, I dont know why that is. I think its because my relationship with my family is very poor, I hate that, but it is, and I feel abandoned by everything and everybody except for justin d and baily and I always have to have either of them around. I mean, I used to have such a close relationship with my brother, but now everybody keeps telling him Im such a loser and he doesnt need to hang around or talk to me, the only time I ever talk to him is at work. I feel deserted by everybody.
This is not some stupid ass pity party, I dont care about attention or pity, I needed to write, and I type faster then I write, so this is easier for me, besides nobody reads this thing anymore anyway, so this is my own little personal private space.
I think a trip to the shrink is in order.
Im gonna try to lay down, I feel a little better now.
I have no idea where to begin on this entry, I just need some kind of release, I have a lot on my mind, but at the same time I dont know what it is. I have come to the conclusion lately that I need to speak with a psychiatrist or something, because there is obviously something wrong with me.
I think I am going back into depression like I was back in middle school and 10th grade, the main thing that scares the piss out of me is I just dont know why. If I knew what was bothering me, if it was a thing or a person, I would do what I always do now, and solve the problem, but thats just it, I dont know what there is to solve. Everything on the outside appears to be okay, I have a great girlfriend, I couldnt ask for any better, and she helps me so much, my job is getting better once again, Im starting to enjoy going to work, which is a plus, school is okay, Im back on track and working on that, and the car is running great. Its the stuff that goes deeper, that I think is getting me.
In order to fully understand where Im coming from, you have to venture back into my early teen years, back at Dauphin Jr High School, when I was only 13/14. I was in a deep depression those years, I didnt have very many friends, certainly nobody to talk to about things, as a result of this depression, I ruined my relationship with my family, any form of friends that I had, and any thing left of a personality that I had retained. Pretty much sending me into a vegetable state, I walked around like a zombie, I found my release on the internet, and became an internet insomniac, which I still have a problem with today. On the internet I was a fun, and outgoing person, but didnt really know how to communicate like this in the real world. I had social anxiety, I avoided social situations as best as I could, People didnt even know my parents had 3 kids, and if you think im joking, Im not. Anyway, Im getting off subject, during this time, the only way I could help myself was by tricking my emotions so-to-say. Instead of worrying myself, I would push them into the back of my mind and tell myself I was happy. Eventually if you tell yourself something is true, it becomes true, in your mind anyway. But it can never stay that way. You can only trick yourself for so long, and I think my ability to trick myself is wearing out.
The problem now is, I think Im getting back into the depression but I dont know what is causing it, therefore I dont know what to do about it. Just to name a few reasons why I think it might be happening, lack of sleep, finances, and time management.
Can you imagine how scary it is to wake up every day and have a different personality? Thats the way I feel, I feel like my personality changes every day, and I cant control it. Using process of elimination, I think my main reason for this depression is school. Back in the summer, when all I was doing was working, I was fine, I had grown out of my social anxiety and depression by 10th grade and was fine all the way up until when this semester started. In the summer, I was so laid back, so fun-loving and I really was enjoying life. Then school started, I find myself acting entirely different. Im not going to get into it in detail, but the main difference is the way I act toward my girlfriend, baily. Used to, Id be so laid back, as long as I was with her, all was well, she could be doing something while I was doing something else as long as we were in the same vicinity, now its like, if I am around her, and she is not close to me, in my arms, or talking to me, I will get aggravated, I dont know why that is. I think its because my relationship with my family is very poor, I hate that, but it is, and I feel abandoned by everything and everybody except for justin d and baily and I always have to have either of them around. I mean, I used to have such a close relationship with my brother, but now everybody keeps telling him Im such a loser and he doesnt need to hang around or talk to me, the only time I ever talk to him is at work. I feel deserted by everybody.
This is not some stupid ass pity party, I dont care about attention or pity, I needed to write, and I type faster then I write, so this is easier for me, besides nobody reads this thing anymore anyway, so this is my own little personal private space.
I think a trip to the shrink is in order.
Im gonna try to lay down, I feel a little better now.