(Untitled)

[torasama]

I was wanting to send this to the HRC or some such group, and wanted to get some feedback first.

Comments on the ideas expressed as well as punctuation, syntax, word choice, etc. are welcome.

Comments

[mathwhiz78]

Style point: no a without b, i without ii, etc.

[torasama]

Like that?

[mathwhiz78]

Yeah, or just make them one lines instead. (And you missed 8.)

[torasama]

Thanks :)

[alifjiim]

Related point (just a suggestion, and maybe do something similar with 10):

1.
b. We seek the same rights and privileges under marriage granted to any other married couple. This includes, but is not limited to, the following:
i. The right to file joint tax returns.
ii. The right to visit a significant other in the hospital.
iii. The right to ride in an ambulance with a significant other.
iv. The right to full custody of children in the marriage by both partners. (See also article 2)

(Sorry if the tab/formatting is a little off.)

Also, in 1c. it should be separate (p-a-r, not p-e-r).

[torasama]

Yeah, that makes it read a lot better. Thanks :)

[alifjiim]

A tiny little thing: When you changed 10, you now have b. and then a. as a subpoint. You might want to either make it all one line, or use i. (lower case Roman numeral)

This is great!

[torasama]

Whoops. Thanks again :D

And... thanks again! :D