"Sticks and Stones," PG-13, HL, Opportunities-Verse
Also available at the AO3.
Sticks and Stones
Dawn was coming, heralded by bird song and the sky's slow shift to lighter grey. The eastern sky began to glow faintly in peach and pink, but Rebecca could feel trouble hovering that had nothing to do with coming weather. She also wanted sleep sometime in the next twenty-four hours, so. "Amanda. Stop darting around and listen to me."
Amanda settled onto the bed, abandoning both her packing and her desultory gossip about the previous weekend's gala. She even stilled her hands, resting them on her thighs. "All right, darling, I'm listening. What is it?"
"The real Stone of Scone needs to go back to Edinburgh Castle."
Amanda began to reflexively deny any culpability, then subsided. "The real one?"
Rebecca just considered her levelly. "Amanda, do remember I've known you since you were stealing bread. The stone in Edinburgh Castle is not the real Stone of Scone. It's 2012, and it's Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee, and for any number of reasons, the real Stone needs to be returned."
"Why are you telling me this?" Amanda asked cautiously.
"Because, dearheart, you are the thief who works with other thieves." Rebecca didn't give her time to think she was safe. "And because whatever happened to the Stone in 1950, you, Duncan, and Hugh were all in it up to your necks. Did you really think I didn't recognize your wanted picture across the front pages?"
"You never said anything about it," Amanda pointed out, checking her nail polish for chips rather than look up and be trapped into confessions.
Rebecca watched her, inwardly amused and outwardly silent, until Amanda huffed in exasperation. "Really, I didn't quite think that was what I was stealing, but...." She shrugged, looked up, and gave in. "Rebecca, I can't possibly move that thing by myself, and I can't imagine why you'd think Duncan will help with this."
"Why not?" Rebecca asked, amused. "The Scottish Parliament doesn't have full powers yet, but surely it has enough that a MacLeod should be pleased to know the real stone's been restored to Edinburgh. Don't wait either, Amanda. The Jubilee may be centered on London, but security at all the castles will only get tighter as we get closer to June."
Amanda sighed. "Rebecca, there's a slight problem. The original isn't broken. And really, I can't see Duncan breaking it just to make it match a fake."
"It'll do Elizabeth's reputation more good than she may want to have the Stone of Destiny suddenly repair itself," Rebecca said dryly. "Nonetheless. Put it back, Amanda -- intact -- and let the cards fall where they will." She stood up and kissed Amanda's cheek. "Do give Duncan and Adam my best when you get back. French toast before you go?"
"Please." Amanda sighed and went back to packing, mustering her arguments for Duncan and Methos as she did. Somehow, she suspected it was still going to come down to 'Because Rebecca said to.'
* * *
Methos finished his beer in one long pour down his throat, not bothering to swallow partly for the immediate hit of alcohol and partly to distract Duncan and Amanda before they gave him more reasons to commit murder. He stalked to the bar, pulled out a bottle of single malt, and poured himself a double... then sighed and poured two more, handing one each to his partners in crime.
Half of that drink went down his throat, too, before he said very levelly, "Amanda. Did you actually propose that we not only steal the real Stone of Destiny -- whose location you two 'just happen' to know -- but that we then trade it out for the fake in Edinburgh Castle? Have you forgotten which way thieving works?"
Duncan added, "I'll not help, Amanda. Elizabeth's doing a good enough job, but let the Stone stay in Scotland where it belongs."
Amanda rolled her eyes. "Duncan, we are not discussing Bonnie Prince Charlie again. And gentlemen, either we are doing this job, or I am. Of course, without you two, I'd have to hire help, which might lead to some... interesting questions, darling."
Duncan handed her his phone, already dialing, and dropped into the easy chair that faced the couch, his scotch still in hand if watered down with soda. "You explain it to Connor then."
"Over an unsecured line?" Amanda asked in disbelief.
Over the speaker, Connor sounded very amused as he said, "Only if your half is unsecured, Amanda. This is Duncan's phone so it had best not be. What is it?"
Amanda smacked Methos into lifting his legs, sat down on the couch, and balanced her drink on his shins when he promptly stretched back out over her. "Connor, do tell Duncan that Bonnie Prince Charlie was a long time ago and a lousy strategist and he should get with this century?"
"Amanda, tell me what you're wanting the man to do and we'll get down to the real conversation instead of the distraction. Otherwise, I've other things to be doing with my time. Like talking to my cousin, or flirting with the date I'm supposed to be meeting in half an hour."
Methos called, "They're just being fractious and idiotic today, Connor." He settled himself more comfortably, then winced when Amanda's elbow 'accidentally' clipped his knee.
"And you didn't hang up, so what's the real problem?" Connor replied.
Amanda sighed and stretched her legs out to admire the line of her slim-cut jeans. "Adam doesn't like a job because it's a reverse theft--"
"You're sneaking something back into place? It's fine practice, I'm sure," Connor said, not quite laughing at all of them and completely serious under that. Methos had to give the man credit, he'd never blinked or flinched at Duncan taking up a life of crime.
However. "Her target's also heavy, Connor," Methos complained. "And she's not mentioning the part where we could lose our heads over this."
Amanda ignored that, "Duncan doesn't like the job because he doesn't like the English--"
Connor said something incredulous in Gaelic so filthy that Duncan nearly dropped his whisky. Amanda gave him an inquiring look and he shook his head. Methos took a moment to translate it, then whistled appreciatively and reminded himself, again, not to take any more bets from the Spanish peacock's student.
Amanda finished hastily, "And I don't really want to do it either, but I've never won an argument about destinies with Rebecca yet."
Methos transferred his stare from the phone to Amanda. "We'll talk later, Connor--"
Connor interrupted. "Do the damn job, Duncan. Next we talk, you can explain what you were thinking that you took such a risk before, you idiot."
Duncan winced at that. "We pulled it off, Connor. And you want me to put it back?"
"Why do I remember Fitz being gunned down by an assassin around that time?" Connor asked. "And you owing him dinner for a decade?"
"It wasn't-- Well. Maybe it was like that," Duncan said. "I'll call later, Connor."
Methos meanwhile was actively pinning Amanda down with his legs instead of just resting them over her lap. "Could you have mentioned that this job was Rebecca's 'suggestion'?"
"Why?" Amanda regarded him from narrowed eyes and a chin lifted in anger under cheeks that were probably that pink from anger as much as embarrassment. "Why couldn't we just do the job because I wanted to?"
"Because if we get caught at this, Amanda, it's treason. Grand treason, if there is such a thing. For this, they might try to resurrect the death penalty just for us." Methos glared at her. "Little things, I'm sure. But damn it, this is exactly the kind of mystical thing that Rebecca's always had a knack for. Did she really say you have to do this?"
Amanda sipped her drink again and sounded resigned as she explained, "Rebecca told me last weekend. While helping me pack, and fixing me my favorite breakfast to help the orders go down better. I am entirely too old to feel like a child still doing what her mother says, do you not understand that?"
Duncan waved his free hand at the phone and gave her a sympathetic look. "Yes, Amanda, we get it. But Adam's right, too. We'd be half an hour into the planning if you'd told us that from the start. Did Rebecca give us a deadline?"
"Before the Jubilee, although I don't know if that's our deadline or if it's just that security will tighten because of it and the Olympics."
All three of them startled when Connor said, "Call if you need help. And Duncan? We'll talk later. Watch your head, cousin."
Duncan sighed. "I will. Enjoy your date, Connor." He reached out and ended the call, contemplated his cell phone for a few seconds, then turned it off and pulled the SIM card.
Methos just shook his head, finished his drink, and put the glass down on the coffee table. "Right. Wonderful. We have to steal two medium-sized stones--"
"One," Duncan and Amanda chorused.
"One?" Methos looked at them both. "Wonderful. We are not breaking any stone that's talking to Rebecca."
"Absolutely not," Amanda agreed. She was careful to be looking at the level of her drink when she added, "Rebecca mentioned that too."
Methos sighed, scrubbed his face with both hands, and went back to business. Well. Mostly. "Your cousin is incredibly annoying, Duncan."
"Especially when he's right," Duncan agreed helplessly. "All right. Fine. We steal the real one -- that's easy enough, Methos; it's sitting on a golf course in Scotland -- and put it back, and take the two pieces of fake stone out... Amanda?"
"I've already got a few ideas," she agreed. "But... we might just want Connor for this after all." She shrugged, lips pursed ruefully. To show off her new shade of lipstick, knowing her, but it was worth looking at. She also went on, "Even in two pieces, it's still heavy, Duncan."
"Oh, I remember," Duncan said dryly. "Can you carry half of one piece on the way back out of the castle or not, Amanda?"
"Carry it, yes. Run with it? No," she admitted. She turned to look at him, and apparently this was another case where knowing him longer had let her see something sooner than Methos had. Worse, she looked faintly nervous. "Oh, no. No, no, Duncan. Absolutely not."
"Hey, we're going to need another helper besides Connor, one strong enough to move fast with 100 pounds of Stone and who'll keep his mouth shut afterwards." Duncan was using his best 'But I am being reasonable' voice and he wasn't batting his eyelashes yet, but give it another exchange or two.
Methos figured it out too and said, "Oh, no, MacLeod. Not Cory. He's a loose cannon."
"Who better?" Duncan asked reasonably. "Connor's right. I got Fitz killed publicly over the Stone last time. We can't ask him to get shot again."
Methos groaned, "Duncan, none of us are getting shot on this job, damn it. This is why I plan them instead of you two. I would take Salisbury over Cory, and I do not believe I just had to say that."
"Oh, no. Matthew would arrest us," Amanda said. "Forget that he's no longer FBI, or the part where this is England, not the U.S. He'd try. Especially for this."
"We're talking about McCormick? He wouldn't arrest us for putting it back," Duncan said. "Especially if I let him think Churchill knew it was a fake. Maybe Churchill did. It was hard to tell with him. And you're both making this too complicated." Duncan gave them his most reasonable smile. "We don't admit to McCormick that we stole it. We just say Rebecca told us the one in Edinburgh was a fake and that you recognized the real one on the golf course, Amanda. Both of those statements are true."
Methos buried his face in his hands again, wishing he'd poured himself a triple. Working with Amanda and Duncan made for amazing profits, and the sex was equally astounding on the occasions when they fell into bed together -- usually after a job. At the moment, neither of those seemed like adequate compensation for conversations like this.
"No," he finally said. "Don't tell me why you hid a national treasure on a golf course where it would be exposed to the weather and prying eyes for sixty years. Don't tell me why you stole it, for that matter, or how you got Fitz to help.... You are both insane. Completely certifiable. Why am I the sane, rational member of this team?"
"Because you got us together to lead a life of crime," Amanda said mercilessly. "You remember: you provide the brains, he's the brawn, and I'm the looks? Although sometimes Duncan's the looks and I'm the lockpicks."
Methos watched her sardonically until she fell silent. Finally in planning mode, he said, "Fine. We're stealing a national treasure to put it back, but not with an FBI agent or with your old bank-robbing cohort, Amanda. Sean Burns is just across the Channel, he owes me a favor, and he's strong enough to haul mental patients around; he can help with a damn rock. He can also tell me how badly you two need therapy."
"Sean?" Amanda perked up. "Oh. That would be just lovely. He's such good company, and he's been wanting to meet Duncan again."
Duncan shrugged, already reassembling his phone. "Again? Oh, is this Gina and Robert's Sean? Sure, although we aren't any crazier than usual."
Methos nodded. "Up, Amanda. I need to get my tablet. If Sean's not free... much as I hate to say it, better Salisbury than Greene. Salisbury used to joust. He probably can run carrying his share of a 200 pound rock."
"Cory's stronger and more reliable than you think, but... yes. See if Sean will get free for this," Amanda said. "He owes me for that rescue, Methos. Feel free to mention that if he doesn't admit he owes you. Duncan, be a dear and call Connor while I get our computers. Then Methos and I need to plan a break-in."
"I'm hoping your Sean will get free for this," Duncan muttered. "I don't want to be anywhere near if Matthew and Connor are working on the same job. They're bad enough separately."
"Amanda? Do remember that until the damn stone is back, my name is Adam." Methos gave her a sidelong look. "So Sean was at that damn gala you still haven't explained?"
"And I'm not going to. A girl needs her secrets." Amanda wriggled up and over to sprawl across him. "And fine, until the Stone's back, your name is darling, dear, lovely, or lecherous. How's that?"
"He'd probably settle for Adam," Duncan said, already dialing.
* * *
Sean pulled his van into the car park, amused that his heart had sped up a little over a mundane job such as driving what was admittedly going to be a getaway vehicle. Well, why not? It wasn't every day he helped with this sort of thing. Next to him, Connor was giving a long appraising look to the vehicles already around them.
Sean glanced around and shook his head. "We do seem to have a lot of government plates."
"Worse," Connor said. "There's not enough variety. They're security of some type." He grinned at Sean. "This might be one of those jobs."
"Lovely." Sean pulled out his phone and called Adam. "I believe we might have a problem."
In the passenger seat, Connor laughed. "Only one?"
Adam vented his feelings in some gloriously crude Latin. "Of course we do," Adam finally said in English. "What's wrong?"
"The car park has a fair number of security vans. Wasn't this supposed to be the simple part of this job?" Sean asked.
"You did say a new experience would be interesting," Adam replied immediately. "Try to stick to the plan. If they won't let you play a round of golf, call me back."
Sean chuckled and hung up. "We're still a go for today. Let's see what we can do."
"Can't be outdone by Amanda," Connor agreed easily. "So, we're both in for the weekend and were hoping to play a round?"
"What with you being in from across the Atlantic?" Sean nodded. "That should work. Let's go try my best charming, overworked physician approach, shall we?"
Connor laughed and handed him his bag of clubs. That it included a good pole to carry the Stone out wasn't obvious among the various covers. "Well, if you insist on using the truth, man...."
* * *
"Charity gala this, Prince's Trust that, Research Fundraiser the other! I will be glad when the Jubilee is over," Methos muttered as he teed up his golf ball.
Amanda waited on him, properly togged out for golf and (Methos had more sense than to say) looking as ridiculous as that always entailed. "Just be glad the duke's party is far enough ahead that we're allowed on the course at all. You are planning to leave the country during the Olympics, aren't you?"
"God, yes. I thought Bora-Bora might be nice."
Duncan waited patiently, his ball already a respectable distance down the fairway. "You always think it's nice."
Methos grinned at them. "And I'm always right, too."
Amanda dimpled at him. "It was a nice vacation. Lovely sunbathing."
Duncan grinned too. "How about we do that again? Say right after this?"
Methos pulled out his phone. "I'll book us tickets. How long are you and Connor going to run around Scotland together? Three days, four, a week?"
"Make it five days, just in case we find some mischief, but put the cabin on one of my cards." Duncan considered Amanda, his smile getting more mischievous by the moment. "Make that two cabins, in case we feel like bringing someone back."
"Or want room to unpack our own suitcases?" Methos asked and expertly ducked Amanda's swipe at his head. "You said our 'seat' should be up at the next hole, Duncan?"
"It should yeah." They kept walking up the fairway and Duncan caught sight of Connor and Sean again. "Let's take our time. Connor's still cursing at me."
Amanda peered ahead. "Oh, yes. I recognize that set of his shoulders. How much did he yell last night?"
"He's been watching NCIS too much," Duncan muttered. "He's started cuffing me on the back of the head -- right under the hair, so it'll hurt more."
"About the Stone, or more than that?" Methos asked. He glanced up at the sky, evaluating the light levels and the encroaching shadows.
That got a laugh. "The Stone, that I've dropped some weight -- the spar took care of that complaint -- did I have bail money and identities set aside for trouble, and what was this about an assassin last month." Duncan shrugged and grinned. "Twenty year whisky took care of the rest of it."
"So it should," Amanda agreed. She checked her watch, checked the sky, and smiled. "Duke's visit or not, the staff should be long gone by now."
Sean nodded to her, waiting by the Stone with his and Connor's carrying sticks already threaded through its rings. "The staff sounded downright drained by the security and guests when I chatted with them, Amanda. By now, all of them have gone home, trusting that we late fools can walk ourselves off the course and home. Why not? The visiting nobles and their guests have gone home, and they made sure we had a torch."
Duncan nodded. "They asked us the same thing." He dropped his ball back into his pocket and patted the Stone. "Come on. Time we got you in out of the elements again."
Methos gave him a sidelong look. "It's just a rock, Duncan."
Connor snorted. "That's why none of them ever talk to you, man."
Methos just sighed and said, "You and Duncan take the first leg, Connor. It'll be practice for taking half the weight back out of the Castle."
Amanda tucked her club back into her bag, checked her scorecard, and held out a hand. " Pay up, Duncan, I was two strokes ahead of you."
"We didn't finish the round," he began reflexively, then sighed and handed over fifty pounds and went to take up his fair share of the weight.
* * *
Amanda swore softly over the Castle's security and muttered into her earpiece, "Why didn't we go in at the end of the day again?"
Duncan answered in Latin. "They count heads, they possess cameras, and we didn't want to do this in two trips. What's taking so long?"
"You're welcome to come do it faster-- There we go." Amanda checked her electronics. "And that's the security system on the doors temporarily deactivated. It's safe to go in from my side. What about the guards?"
Connor said mildly, "We'll just go through and clear them. Everyone have their chloroform?"
"That stuff leaves the worst headaches," Duncan pointed out, but he moved forward too. All five of them were wearing black balaclavas to cover hair and face alike, and had blacked around their eyes and nose, too, to make facial recognition harder if they missed a camera somewhere.
"Once they drop, get the cloths off their mouths. It can be lethal," Sean reminded them.
"Oh, absolutely," Amanda agreed. "We are professionals after all, darling. We have a reputation to maintain."
Connor chuckled. "So you are."
Twelve minutes later, they were sweeping back down through the castle, making sure they hadn't missed anyone and trading worried, bemused looks. None of them wanted to jinx the job by saying it seemed too simple... but it was going ridiculously smoothly. It was almost enough to make Amanda want to chew her nails; fortunately, she was busy picking the locks on the Stone's bulletproof glass case instead.
Adam double-checked that the secondary security system for the Stone was off, then waved Amanda off to answer an age-old question by watching the watchmen and, not coincidentally, their monitors. Which was perfect; it meant she could point out later that she hadn't been anywhere around when Duncan and Sean dropped the glass.
It didn't break, although the booming echo made some of the guards twitch. Amanda watched them narrowly while listening to Adam mutter what sounded like a hymn to Nike. Connor was whispering something in Scottish to Brigid, for that matter. Sean just shook his head and took point with their half-Stone while Adam kept praying. Duncan and Connor came right behind them, all of them in a hurry now.
When they weren't back with the real Stone quickly enough, Amanda tapped her comm. "Please tell me everything's fine."
Connor laughed softly. "Oh, it will be. The problem is that you have the car keys."
She couldn't help giggling, despite the muttered curses from Methos, who hated having to jimmy his own car. Sean was laughing softly too, a sound which cut off when he said very calmly, "We have headlights coming up the drive. Do let's not get arrested."
Duncan sounded completely professional as he said, "Right. You two get the real Stone back in. We'll load the fake into the trunk and deal with whoever's coming. Get the glass back in place and the system back on as quickly as possible."
Connor answered, "And then we'll drive like the devil himself is on our tail? Agreed."
Amanda could almost hear the adrenaline hitting Connor and she was sorry she was missing his bouncy good-humor. Some days it was a pity he was on the other side of the Atlantic. Other days, she remembered his sense of humor and was grateful for the distance.
Amanda scanned the guard station quickly but thoroughly, hunting for any signs of trouble and not finding them. "We haven't triggered anything here, and it's not the half hour yet, so I can't imagine we've missed a check-in."
"It's just Fortuna playing with us," Methos said very calmly. "We'll get this. You worry about in there. Don't dawdle, though."
"On a job from--" Amanda cut herself off before she used a name over even a private circuit. "Absolutely not. Just... hurry."
* * *
Dawn found the five of them drinking tea and coffee in a small café that was used to feeding night workers and truckers. The food wasn't fancy, but it was tasty and plentiful, and the cloud-streaked sunrise was gorgeous. Of course, that might be the post-job endorphin rush.
Sean leaned back in his chair, rubbing absently at a spot on his cheekbone where the greasepaint had been stubborn about coming off. He asked quietly, "So what will you do with the leftover pieces?"
Duncan traded grins with Connor, the two of them looking equally scruffy and disreputable by this point. "We've a kinswoman to visit down in Glenfinnan, and if our travels should take us by a nice deep loch, well." He shrugged. "I hear it's better to pull over every so often, stretch your legs, and get some fresh air to stay awake for a drive."
Sean chuckled at that. He was beginning to understand how this unlikely team had formed up. "And all of it is even true?"
"Of course, man." Connor grinned at him. "And you? What are your plans from here?"
"Oh, I've a job interview in London tomorrow." Sean shrugged, amused. "I'm not so sure I want the job, but I'm willing to let them buy my lunch and try to talk me into it."
"And then you'll go back to France and your clinic?" Adam asked. He'd finished making inroads on his own food and was now down to drinking his third cup of coffee.
"Most likely," Sean agreed, nodding recognition of the 'thank you' that Adam hadn't quite said aloud. "And you? Back to your books and beers?"
"And the odd job, yes." Adam grinned at him. "It suits us."
Amanda said firmly, "And we are going on vacation in a few days. Make sure you're back in time, Duncan."
Duncan leaned over and kissed her. "I'll be there."
Connor chuckled and kissed her cheek just to hear her fuss about stubble-burn. "I'll have him back to you in time. Three days soon enough?"
Amanda nodded. "Perfect." She sighed happily. "I'd hate to make a habit of that sort of thing, but... it was kind of fun."
Duncan thought about it, lips pursed, then shrugged. "Maybe."
Adam said dryly, "Next time, I want a better reward for calling in two favors."
Connor shrugged. "It was good practice and you made Rebecca happy. Take it as a win."
Adam visibly decided to let Connor get the last word... but he winked at Sean as soon as Connor looked away, too.
Comments, Commentary, Miscellanea:
Yup, I timestamped a vid. Killa and Lapillus did an AU vid to the "Opportunities Song". In which, to quote them, our heroes turned to a life of crime. A lot of things are very different here. Some of those differences are pretty obvious (Sean and Fitz not being dead, for example). Some of them... less so and will show up in other stories. If I've earwormed you, my apologies!
The gala story will be called "The Ransom of the Red-Headed League" and is in progress.
Rebecca wants the Stone back in Edinburgh Castle for several of the reasons given, but mostly because she golfed past it and the poor thing was lonely.
No, England doesn't have a death penalty anymore, and for that matter the 1950 thieves were charged with grand theft. Neither of those things is sufficient to keep Methos from worrying about his head or pointing out to Amanda that she's going to owe him for this.
Yes. In the episode "Stone of Scone," Duncan really did leave a national treasure sitting on a golf course exposed to the elements for however long. (At least 45 years at the point of the episode.) No, I have no idea what he was thinking!
Sorry, I just could not resist the Watchers joke!
Sean's job interview, for the curious, is with SHIELD. And no, he's not really interested. I have no idea if they'll talk him into it. I bet they want him, though!
With many thanks to Devo for encouraging the Stone of Scone idea, to Alyss for the help with the Stone of Scone research, and to Raine, SamJohnsson, and Dragon for beta.
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Sticks and Stones
Dawn was coming, heralded by bird song and the sky's slow shift to lighter grey. The eastern sky began to glow faintly in peach and pink, but Rebecca could feel trouble hovering that had nothing to do with coming weather. She also wanted sleep sometime in the next twenty-four hours, so. "Amanda. Stop darting around and listen to me."
Amanda settled onto the bed, abandoning both her packing and her desultory gossip about the previous weekend's gala. She even stilled her hands, resting them on her thighs. "All right, darling, I'm listening. What is it?"
"The real Stone of Scone needs to go back to Edinburgh Castle."
Amanda began to reflexively deny any culpability, then subsided. "The real one?"
Rebecca just considered her levelly. "Amanda, do remember I've known you since you were stealing bread. The stone in Edinburgh Castle is not the real Stone of Scone. It's 2012, and it's Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee, and for any number of reasons, the real Stone needs to be returned."
"Why are you telling me this?" Amanda asked cautiously.
"Because, dearheart, you are the thief who works with other thieves." Rebecca didn't give her time to think she was safe. "And because whatever happened to the Stone in 1950, you, Duncan, and Hugh were all in it up to your necks. Did you really think I didn't recognize your wanted picture across the front pages?"
"You never said anything about it," Amanda pointed out, checking her nail polish for chips rather than look up and be trapped into confessions.
Rebecca watched her, inwardly amused and outwardly silent, until Amanda huffed in exasperation. "Really, I didn't quite think that was what I was stealing, but...." She shrugged, looked up, and gave in. "Rebecca, I can't possibly move that thing by myself, and I can't imagine why you'd think Duncan will help with this."
"Why not?" Rebecca asked, amused. "The Scottish Parliament doesn't have full powers yet, but surely it has enough that a MacLeod should be pleased to know the real stone's been restored to Edinburgh. Don't wait either, Amanda. The Jubilee may be centered on London, but security at all the castles will only get tighter as we get closer to June."
Amanda sighed. "Rebecca, there's a slight problem. The original isn't broken. And really, I can't see Duncan breaking it just to make it match a fake."
"It'll do Elizabeth's reputation more good than she may want to have the Stone of Destiny suddenly repair itself," Rebecca said dryly. "Nonetheless. Put it back, Amanda -- intact -- and let the cards fall where they will." She stood up and kissed Amanda's cheek. "Do give Duncan and Adam my best when you get back. French toast before you go?"
"Please." Amanda sighed and went back to packing, mustering her arguments for Duncan and Methos as she did. Somehow, she suspected it was still going to come down to 'Because Rebecca said to.'
* * *
Methos finished his beer in one long pour down his throat, not bothering to swallow partly for the immediate hit of alcohol and partly to distract Duncan and Amanda before they gave him more reasons to commit murder. He stalked to the bar, pulled out a bottle of single malt, and poured himself a double... then sighed and poured two more, handing one each to his partners in crime.
Half of that drink went down his throat, too, before he said very levelly, "Amanda. Did you actually propose that we not only steal the real Stone of Destiny -- whose location you two 'just happen' to know -- but that we then trade it out for the fake in Edinburgh Castle? Have you forgotten which way thieving works?"
Duncan added, "I'll not help, Amanda. Elizabeth's doing a good enough job, but let the Stone stay in Scotland where it belongs."
Amanda rolled her eyes. "Duncan, we are not discussing Bonnie Prince Charlie again. And gentlemen, either we are doing this job, or I am. Of course, without you two, I'd have to hire help, which might lead to some... interesting questions, darling."
Duncan handed her his phone, already dialing, and dropped into the easy chair that faced the couch, his scotch still in hand if watered down with soda. "You explain it to Connor then."
"Over an unsecured line?" Amanda asked in disbelief.
Over the speaker, Connor sounded very amused as he said, "Only if your half is unsecured, Amanda. This is Duncan's phone so it had best not be. What is it?"
Amanda smacked Methos into lifting his legs, sat down on the couch, and balanced her drink on his shins when he promptly stretched back out over her. "Connor, do tell Duncan that Bonnie Prince Charlie was a long time ago and a lousy strategist and he should get with this century?"
"Amanda, tell me what you're wanting the man to do and we'll get down to the real conversation instead of the distraction. Otherwise, I've other things to be doing with my time. Like talking to my cousin, or flirting with the date I'm supposed to be meeting in half an hour."
Methos called, "They're just being fractious and idiotic today, Connor." He settled himself more comfortably, then winced when Amanda's elbow 'accidentally' clipped his knee.
"And you didn't hang up, so what's the real problem?" Connor replied.
Amanda sighed and stretched her legs out to admire the line of her slim-cut jeans. "Adam doesn't like a job because it's a reverse theft--"
"You're sneaking something back into place? It's fine practice, I'm sure," Connor said, not quite laughing at all of them and completely serious under that. Methos had to give the man credit, he'd never blinked or flinched at Duncan taking up a life of crime.
However. "Her target's also heavy, Connor," Methos complained. "And she's not mentioning the part where we could lose our heads over this."
Amanda ignored that, "Duncan doesn't like the job because he doesn't like the English--"
Connor said something incredulous in Gaelic so filthy that Duncan nearly dropped his whisky. Amanda gave him an inquiring look and he shook his head. Methos took a moment to translate it, then whistled appreciatively and reminded himself, again, not to take any more bets from the Spanish peacock's student.
Amanda finished hastily, "And I don't really want to do it either, but I've never won an argument about destinies with Rebecca yet."
Methos transferred his stare from the phone to Amanda. "We'll talk later, Connor--"
Connor interrupted. "Do the damn job, Duncan. Next we talk, you can explain what you were thinking that you took such a risk before, you idiot."
Duncan winced at that. "We pulled it off, Connor. And you want me to put it back?"
"Why do I remember Fitz being gunned down by an assassin around that time?" Connor asked. "And you owing him dinner for a decade?"
"It wasn't-- Well. Maybe it was like that," Duncan said. "I'll call later, Connor."
Methos meanwhile was actively pinning Amanda down with his legs instead of just resting them over her lap. "Could you have mentioned that this job was Rebecca's 'suggestion'?"
"Why?" Amanda regarded him from narrowed eyes and a chin lifted in anger under cheeks that were probably that pink from anger as much as embarrassment. "Why couldn't we just do the job because I wanted to?"
"Because if we get caught at this, Amanda, it's treason. Grand treason, if there is such a thing. For this, they might try to resurrect the death penalty just for us." Methos glared at her. "Little things, I'm sure. But damn it, this is exactly the kind of mystical thing that Rebecca's always had a knack for. Did she really say you have to do this?"
Amanda sipped her drink again and sounded resigned as she explained, "Rebecca told me last weekend. While helping me pack, and fixing me my favorite breakfast to help the orders go down better. I am entirely too old to feel like a child still doing what her mother says, do you not understand that?"
Duncan waved his free hand at the phone and gave her a sympathetic look. "Yes, Amanda, we get it. But Adam's right, too. We'd be half an hour into the planning if you'd told us that from the start. Did Rebecca give us a deadline?"
"Before the Jubilee, although I don't know if that's our deadline or if it's just that security will tighten because of it and the Olympics."
All three of them startled when Connor said, "Call if you need help. And Duncan? We'll talk later. Watch your head, cousin."
Duncan sighed. "I will. Enjoy your date, Connor." He reached out and ended the call, contemplated his cell phone for a few seconds, then turned it off and pulled the SIM card.
Methos just shook his head, finished his drink, and put the glass down on the coffee table. "Right. Wonderful. We have to steal two medium-sized stones--"
"One," Duncan and Amanda chorused.
"One?" Methos looked at them both. "Wonderful. We are not breaking any stone that's talking to Rebecca."
"Absolutely not," Amanda agreed. She was careful to be looking at the level of her drink when she added, "Rebecca mentioned that too."
Methos sighed, scrubbed his face with both hands, and went back to business. Well. Mostly. "Your cousin is incredibly annoying, Duncan."
"Especially when he's right," Duncan agreed helplessly. "All right. Fine. We steal the real one -- that's easy enough, Methos; it's sitting on a golf course in Scotland -- and put it back, and take the two pieces of fake stone out... Amanda?"
"I've already got a few ideas," she agreed. "But... we might just want Connor for this after all." She shrugged, lips pursed ruefully. To show off her new shade of lipstick, knowing her, but it was worth looking at. She also went on, "Even in two pieces, it's still heavy, Duncan."
"Oh, I remember," Duncan said dryly. "Can you carry half of one piece on the way back out of the castle or not, Amanda?"
"Carry it, yes. Run with it? No," she admitted. She turned to look at him, and apparently this was another case where knowing him longer had let her see something sooner than Methos had. Worse, she looked faintly nervous. "Oh, no. No, no, Duncan. Absolutely not."
"Hey, we're going to need another helper besides Connor, one strong enough to move fast with 100 pounds of Stone and who'll keep his mouth shut afterwards." Duncan was using his best 'But I am being reasonable' voice and he wasn't batting his eyelashes yet, but give it another exchange or two.
Methos figured it out too and said, "Oh, no, MacLeod. Not Cory. He's a loose cannon."
"Who better?" Duncan asked reasonably. "Connor's right. I got Fitz killed publicly over the Stone last time. We can't ask him to get shot again."
Methos groaned, "Duncan, none of us are getting shot on this job, damn it. This is why I plan them instead of you two. I would take Salisbury over Cory, and I do not believe I just had to say that."
"Oh, no. Matthew would arrest us," Amanda said. "Forget that he's no longer FBI, or the part where this is England, not the U.S. He'd try. Especially for this."
"We're talking about McCormick? He wouldn't arrest us for putting it back," Duncan said. "Especially if I let him think Churchill knew it was a fake. Maybe Churchill did. It was hard to tell with him. And you're both making this too complicated." Duncan gave them his most reasonable smile. "We don't admit to McCormick that we stole it. We just say Rebecca told us the one in Edinburgh was a fake and that you recognized the real one on the golf course, Amanda. Both of those statements are true."
Methos buried his face in his hands again, wishing he'd poured himself a triple. Working with Amanda and Duncan made for amazing profits, and the sex was equally astounding on the occasions when they fell into bed together -- usually after a job. At the moment, neither of those seemed like adequate compensation for conversations like this.
"No," he finally said. "Don't tell me why you hid a national treasure on a golf course where it would be exposed to the weather and prying eyes for sixty years. Don't tell me why you stole it, for that matter, or how you got Fitz to help.... You are both insane. Completely certifiable. Why am I the sane, rational member of this team?"
"Because you got us together to lead a life of crime," Amanda said mercilessly. "You remember: you provide the brains, he's the brawn, and I'm the looks? Although sometimes Duncan's the looks and I'm the lockpicks."
Methos watched her sardonically until she fell silent. Finally in planning mode, he said, "Fine. We're stealing a national treasure to put it back, but not with an FBI agent or with your old bank-robbing cohort, Amanda. Sean Burns is just across the Channel, he owes me a favor, and he's strong enough to haul mental patients around; he can help with a damn rock. He can also tell me how badly you two need therapy."
"Sean?" Amanda perked up. "Oh. That would be just lovely. He's such good company, and he's been wanting to meet Duncan again."
Duncan shrugged, already reassembling his phone. "Again? Oh, is this Gina and Robert's Sean? Sure, although we aren't any crazier than usual."
Methos nodded. "Up, Amanda. I need to get my tablet. If Sean's not free... much as I hate to say it, better Salisbury than Greene. Salisbury used to joust. He probably can run carrying his share of a 200 pound rock."
"Cory's stronger and more reliable than you think, but... yes. See if Sean will get free for this," Amanda said. "He owes me for that rescue, Methos. Feel free to mention that if he doesn't admit he owes you. Duncan, be a dear and call Connor while I get our computers. Then Methos and I need to plan a break-in."
"I'm hoping your Sean will get free for this," Duncan muttered. "I don't want to be anywhere near if Matthew and Connor are working on the same job. They're bad enough separately."
"Amanda? Do remember that until the damn stone is back, my name is Adam." Methos gave her a sidelong look. "So Sean was at that damn gala you still haven't explained?"
"And I'm not going to. A girl needs her secrets." Amanda wriggled up and over to sprawl across him. "And fine, until the Stone's back, your name is darling, dear, lovely, or lecherous. How's that?"
"He'd probably settle for Adam," Duncan said, already dialing.
* * *
Sean pulled his van into the car park, amused that his heart had sped up a little over a mundane job such as driving what was admittedly going to be a getaway vehicle. Well, why not? It wasn't every day he helped with this sort of thing. Next to him, Connor was giving a long appraising look to the vehicles already around them.
Sean glanced around and shook his head. "We do seem to have a lot of government plates."
"Worse," Connor said. "There's not enough variety. They're security of some type." He grinned at Sean. "This might be one of those jobs."
"Lovely." Sean pulled out his phone and called Adam. "I believe we might have a problem."
In the passenger seat, Connor laughed. "Only one?"
Adam vented his feelings in some gloriously crude Latin. "Of course we do," Adam finally said in English. "What's wrong?"
"The car park has a fair number of security vans. Wasn't this supposed to be the simple part of this job?" Sean asked.
"You did say a new experience would be interesting," Adam replied immediately. "Try to stick to the plan. If they won't let you play a round of golf, call me back."
Sean chuckled and hung up. "We're still a go for today. Let's see what we can do."
"Can't be outdone by Amanda," Connor agreed easily. "So, we're both in for the weekend and were hoping to play a round?"
"What with you being in from across the Atlantic?" Sean nodded. "That should work. Let's go try my best charming, overworked physician approach, shall we?"
Connor laughed and handed him his bag of clubs. That it included a good pole to carry the Stone out wasn't obvious among the various covers. "Well, if you insist on using the truth, man...."
* * *
"Charity gala this, Prince's Trust that, Research Fundraiser the other! I will be glad when the Jubilee is over," Methos muttered as he teed up his golf ball.
Amanda waited on him, properly togged out for golf and (Methos had more sense than to say) looking as ridiculous as that always entailed. "Just be glad the duke's party is far enough ahead that we're allowed on the course at all. You are planning to leave the country during the Olympics, aren't you?"
"God, yes. I thought Bora-Bora might be nice."
Duncan waited patiently, his ball already a respectable distance down the fairway. "You always think it's nice."
Methos grinned at them. "And I'm always right, too."
Amanda dimpled at him. "It was a nice vacation. Lovely sunbathing."
Duncan grinned too. "How about we do that again? Say right after this?"
Methos pulled out his phone. "I'll book us tickets. How long are you and Connor going to run around Scotland together? Three days, four, a week?"
"Make it five days, just in case we find some mischief, but put the cabin on one of my cards." Duncan considered Amanda, his smile getting more mischievous by the moment. "Make that two cabins, in case we feel like bringing someone back."
"Or want room to unpack our own suitcases?" Methos asked and expertly ducked Amanda's swipe at his head. "You said our 'seat' should be up at the next hole, Duncan?"
"It should yeah." They kept walking up the fairway and Duncan caught sight of Connor and Sean again. "Let's take our time. Connor's still cursing at me."
Amanda peered ahead. "Oh, yes. I recognize that set of his shoulders. How much did he yell last night?"
"He's been watching NCIS too much," Duncan muttered. "He's started cuffing me on the back of the head -- right under the hair, so it'll hurt more."
"About the Stone, or more than that?" Methos asked. He glanced up at the sky, evaluating the light levels and the encroaching shadows.
That got a laugh. "The Stone, that I've dropped some weight -- the spar took care of that complaint -- did I have bail money and identities set aside for trouble, and what was this about an assassin last month." Duncan shrugged and grinned. "Twenty year whisky took care of the rest of it."
"So it should," Amanda agreed. She checked her watch, checked the sky, and smiled. "Duke's visit or not, the staff should be long gone by now."
Sean nodded to her, waiting by the Stone with his and Connor's carrying sticks already threaded through its rings. "The staff sounded downright drained by the security and guests when I chatted with them, Amanda. By now, all of them have gone home, trusting that we late fools can walk ourselves off the course and home. Why not? The visiting nobles and their guests have gone home, and they made sure we had a torch."
Duncan nodded. "They asked us the same thing." He dropped his ball back into his pocket and patted the Stone. "Come on. Time we got you in out of the elements again."
Methos gave him a sidelong look. "It's just a rock, Duncan."
Connor snorted. "That's why none of them ever talk to you, man."
Methos just sighed and said, "You and Duncan take the first leg, Connor. It'll be practice for taking half the weight back out of the Castle."
Amanda tucked her club back into her bag, checked her scorecard, and held out a hand. " Pay up, Duncan, I was two strokes ahead of you."
"We didn't finish the round," he began reflexively, then sighed and handed over fifty pounds and went to take up his fair share of the weight.
* * *
Amanda swore softly over the Castle's security and muttered into her earpiece, "Why didn't we go in at the end of the day again?"
Duncan answered in Latin. "They count heads, they possess cameras, and we didn't want to do this in two trips. What's taking so long?"
"You're welcome to come do it faster-- There we go." Amanda checked her electronics. "And that's the security system on the doors temporarily deactivated. It's safe to go in from my side. What about the guards?"
Connor said mildly, "We'll just go through and clear them. Everyone have their chloroform?"
"That stuff leaves the worst headaches," Duncan pointed out, but he moved forward too. All five of them were wearing black balaclavas to cover hair and face alike, and had blacked around their eyes and nose, too, to make facial recognition harder if they missed a camera somewhere.
"Once they drop, get the cloths off their mouths. It can be lethal," Sean reminded them.
"Oh, absolutely," Amanda agreed. "We are professionals after all, darling. We have a reputation to maintain."
Connor chuckled. "So you are."
Twelve minutes later, they were sweeping back down through the castle, making sure they hadn't missed anyone and trading worried, bemused looks. None of them wanted to jinx the job by saying it seemed too simple... but it was going ridiculously smoothly. It was almost enough to make Amanda want to chew her nails; fortunately, she was busy picking the locks on the Stone's bulletproof glass case instead.
Adam double-checked that the secondary security system for the Stone was off, then waved Amanda off to answer an age-old question by watching the watchmen and, not coincidentally, their monitors. Which was perfect; it meant she could point out later that she hadn't been anywhere around when Duncan and Sean dropped the glass.
It didn't break, although the booming echo made some of the guards twitch. Amanda watched them narrowly while listening to Adam mutter what sounded like a hymn to Nike. Connor was whispering something in Scottish to Brigid, for that matter. Sean just shook his head and took point with their half-Stone while Adam kept praying. Duncan and Connor came right behind them, all of them in a hurry now.
When they weren't back with the real Stone quickly enough, Amanda tapped her comm. "Please tell me everything's fine."
Connor laughed softly. "Oh, it will be. The problem is that you have the car keys."
She couldn't help giggling, despite the muttered curses from Methos, who hated having to jimmy his own car. Sean was laughing softly too, a sound which cut off when he said very calmly, "We have headlights coming up the drive. Do let's not get arrested."
Duncan sounded completely professional as he said, "Right. You two get the real Stone back in. We'll load the fake into the trunk and deal with whoever's coming. Get the glass back in place and the system back on as quickly as possible."
Connor answered, "And then we'll drive like the devil himself is on our tail? Agreed."
Amanda could almost hear the adrenaline hitting Connor and she was sorry she was missing his bouncy good-humor. Some days it was a pity he was on the other side of the Atlantic. Other days, she remembered his sense of humor and was grateful for the distance.
Amanda scanned the guard station quickly but thoroughly, hunting for any signs of trouble and not finding them. "We haven't triggered anything here, and it's not the half hour yet, so I can't imagine we've missed a check-in."
"It's just Fortuna playing with us," Methos said very calmly. "We'll get this. You worry about in there. Don't dawdle, though."
"On a job from--" Amanda cut herself off before she used a name over even a private circuit. "Absolutely not. Just... hurry."
* * *
Dawn found the five of them drinking tea and coffee in a small café that was used to feeding night workers and truckers. The food wasn't fancy, but it was tasty and plentiful, and the cloud-streaked sunrise was gorgeous. Of course, that might be the post-job endorphin rush.
Sean leaned back in his chair, rubbing absently at a spot on his cheekbone where the greasepaint had been stubborn about coming off. He asked quietly, "So what will you do with the leftover pieces?"
Duncan traded grins with Connor, the two of them looking equally scruffy and disreputable by this point. "We've a kinswoman to visit down in Glenfinnan, and if our travels should take us by a nice deep loch, well." He shrugged. "I hear it's better to pull over every so often, stretch your legs, and get some fresh air to stay awake for a drive."
Sean chuckled at that. He was beginning to understand how this unlikely team had formed up. "And all of it is even true?"
"Of course, man." Connor grinned at him. "And you? What are your plans from here?"
"Oh, I've a job interview in London tomorrow." Sean shrugged, amused. "I'm not so sure I want the job, but I'm willing to let them buy my lunch and try to talk me into it."
"And then you'll go back to France and your clinic?" Adam asked. He'd finished making inroads on his own food and was now down to drinking his third cup of coffee.
"Most likely," Sean agreed, nodding recognition of the 'thank you' that Adam hadn't quite said aloud. "And you? Back to your books and beers?"
"And the odd job, yes." Adam grinned at him. "It suits us."
Amanda said firmly, "And we are going on vacation in a few days. Make sure you're back in time, Duncan."
Duncan leaned over and kissed her. "I'll be there."
Connor chuckled and kissed her cheek just to hear her fuss about stubble-burn. "I'll have him back to you in time. Three days soon enough?"
Amanda nodded. "Perfect." She sighed happily. "I'd hate to make a habit of that sort of thing, but... it was kind of fun."
Duncan thought about it, lips pursed, then shrugged. "Maybe."
Adam said dryly, "Next time, I want a better reward for calling in two favors."
Connor shrugged. "It was good practice and you made Rebecca happy. Take it as a win."
Adam visibly decided to let Connor get the last word... but he winked at Sean as soon as Connor looked away, too.
Comments, Commentary, Miscellanea:
Yup, I timestamped a vid. Killa and Lapillus did an AU vid to the "Opportunities Song". In which, to quote them, our heroes turned to a life of crime. A lot of things are very different here. Some of those differences are pretty obvious (Sean and Fitz not being dead, for example). Some of them... less so and will show up in other stories. If I've earwormed you, my apologies!
The gala story will be called "The Ransom of the Red-Headed League" and is in progress.
Rebecca wants the Stone back in Edinburgh Castle for several of the reasons given, but mostly because she golfed past it and the poor thing was lonely.
No, England doesn't have a death penalty anymore, and for that matter the 1950 thieves were charged with grand theft. Neither of those things is sufficient to keep Methos from worrying about his head or pointing out to Amanda that she's going to owe him for this.
Yes. In the episode "Stone of Scone," Duncan really did leave a national treasure sitting on a golf course exposed to the elements for however long. (At least 45 years at the point of the episode.) No, I have no idea what he was thinking!
Sorry, I just could not resist the Watchers joke!
Sean's job interview, for the curious, is with SHIELD. And no, he's not really interested. I have no idea if they'll talk him into it. I bet they want him, though!
With many thanks to Devo for encouraging the Stone of Scone idea, to Alyss for the help with the Stone of Scone research, and to Raine, SamJohnsson, and Dragon for beta.
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