From Tomorrow To Yesterday
In that order:
Tomorrow I am totally screwed, because My essay is due in, and despite devoting the last 7hours plus many days over a period of weeks to the job, I have very little of it done. I cannot get my head working on it. Simon will be back tomorrow, and I'm going to have to tell him that I've done a miserable job at it, and he will likely be more forgiving than I deserve. Why oh Why can't I get it done?! :(
One possible reason is that I've been stressed out over unrelated issues. This morning I spent from 9 to 11.30am in an interview with a centrelink worker. The worker was not the problem, she was incredibly helpful! The bloody system is f@*#ing retarded! More than a month ago centrelink sent me a letter asking for my enrollment details and other information because their computer detected an inconsistency etc,etc. Again. Same as last year, except this time I got all the papers they wanted, plus their letters from last year (to remind them that we have been through this!) and it still didn't satisfy them. I got another letter later saying that my pay had been cut and if I did not provide the following: (insert blank area in letter) - withing two weeks then I may be liable for charges.
So a whole lot of time has been spent sorting out that bloody mess. I'm still pissed of and I'm probably still going to have more paper work thrown at me over it.
That was this morning. Last night I had very little actual sleep. Most of it was spent in a sort of dose. What I dreamed was weird as hell at the time; it felt like an AOOB; Almost Out Of Body. I was seeing myself at very close range from different angles, with sensations of sliding around on the end of a wire that was attached to my body. Thats all there was to the dream, and it went on for quite along time before I woke up properly at 4am. Lots of fun trying to get back to sleep.
Last night before bed, I had a very good talk with Mum. It started with me asking her if she accepted Simon and myself as a couple. She never did give a definite answer to that question, but she did explain why she couldn't answer it: Simply put, she doesn't know if she even understands our relationship, but she will not reject us, no matter what. We talked about a lot of things; family, siblings, past mistakes, residual guilt. There was a lot.
She said, very early on in the conversation, that 'Family will always be there for you: I don't think you really understand that yet.'
She was right; I don't feel so connected to my family. Partly from a whole pile of mistakes and misunderstandings, on both sides, partly because I very rarely feel connected to anyone.
I felt sad, because Simon, and other friends of mine, will never have those words from their parents. Simon's mother and father have both said that they will always be there for him, but they compete with each other for Simon's loyalty, and I fear that both use the statement as just another ploy in their contest.
I am so very grateful to my mother. She has made mistakes, and she has had bad times. But she listens when I tell her she has gone too far or been unfair on Matthew through frustration. She listens when I open my heart to her. I hope that in time, Simon and my mother will become close enough for him to open himself to her as well.
And now that I feel embarrassed, and I've had a good rant over my problems, I can get some of my work done.
Goodnight or goodmorning! Depending where you are.
Tomorrow I am totally screwed, because My essay is due in, and despite devoting the last 7hours plus many days over a period of weeks to the job, I have very little of it done. I cannot get my head working on it. Simon will be back tomorrow, and I'm going to have to tell him that I've done a miserable job at it, and he will likely be more forgiving than I deserve. Why oh Why can't I get it done?! :(
One possible reason is that I've been stressed out over unrelated issues. This morning I spent from 9 to 11.30am in an interview with a centrelink worker. The worker was not the problem, she was incredibly helpful! The bloody system is f@*#ing retarded! More than a month ago centrelink sent me a letter asking for my enrollment details and other information because their computer detected an inconsistency etc,etc. Again. Same as last year, except this time I got all the papers they wanted, plus their letters from last year (to remind them that we have been through this!) and it still didn't satisfy them. I got another letter later saying that my pay had been cut and if I did not provide the following: (insert blank area in letter) - withing two weeks then I may be liable for charges.
So a whole lot of time has been spent sorting out that bloody mess. I'm still pissed of and I'm probably still going to have more paper work thrown at me over it.
That was this morning. Last night I had very little actual sleep. Most of it was spent in a sort of dose. What I dreamed was weird as hell at the time; it felt like an AOOB; Almost Out Of Body. I was seeing myself at very close range from different angles, with sensations of sliding around on the end of a wire that was attached to my body. Thats all there was to the dream, and it went on for quite along time before I woke up properly at 4am. Lots of fun trying to get back to sleep.
Last night before bed, I had a very good talk with Mum. It started with me asking her if she accepted Simon and myself as a couple. She never did give a definite answer to that question, but she did explain why she couldn't answer it: Simply put, she doesn't know if she even understands our relationship, but she will not reject us, no matter what. We talked about a lot of things; family, siblings, past mistakes, residual guilt. There was a lot.
She said, very early on in the conversation, that 'Family will always be there for you: I don't think you really understand that yet.'
She was right; I don't feel so connected to my family. Partly from a whole pile of mistakes and misunderstandings, on both sides, partly because I very rarely feel connected to anyone.
I felt sad, because Simon, and other friends of mine, will never have those words from their parents. Simon's mother and father have both said that they will always be there for him, but they compete with each other for Simon's loyalty, and I fear that both use the statement as just another ploy in their contest.
I am so very grateful to my mother. She has made mistakes, and she has had bad times. But she listens when I tell her she has gone too far or been unfair on Matthew through frustration. She listens when I open my heart to her. I hope that in time, Simon and my mother will become close enough for him to open himself to her as well.
And now that I feel embarrassed, and I've had a good rant over my problems, I can get some of my work done.
Goodnight or goodmorning! Depending where you are.