Giving of Thanks
Let me first preface everything I say with this. The following post and the next one are preceded by a few facts that i need to get straight.
I lied, about things I promised not to , to more than one person recently. It was after a long period of lying that i finally just fessed up and started telling the truth. It comes to light that I am a liar, a cheater, and someone who hurt the people around him very much, very deeply, and to the point that some of them were so beaten up by him (emotionally) that they cannot believe anything I say. I did this knowing that what I did would hurt those around me. Let me clarify - I did NOT hurt them purposely, but rather I started and continued actions that hurt the individuals that were involved in this complicated web of affection, deceit, and misdirection. So let me, again, reclarify. No one in the recent events is to blame except myself, because I didnt actually stick to my promises and lied. And no one but me is to blame for my faults because I did them and i cannot take them back but instead try to move forward without hurting anyone anymore.
I hope this clears up any confusion about who is the victim here - i am not a victim, I am a perpetrator of painful lies and actions that I won't explain online becuase they are too personal, but I apologize to all the people whom I have hurt and hope that they can one day forgive me. Understanding is out of the question, but forgiveness is something i can at least hope for.
So saying the following are concepts and thoughts and opinions of mine, not attacks of hopes for pity.
I slid into a wall in the raquetball court tuesday night, playing wallyball. My knee is still swollen - my grandmother thinks it might have cracked something.
I think I am ok, physically at least. A bit fatter, i guess.
Terribly weather on the drive back, just wet and sloshy and lots of silly drivers...not to mention the police every 4 miles or so.
I hope everyone got home in one piece
I just read Jamie's post, and my reply to it started to crystalize what i want for my life
My father asked me what i was doing after school - and i said if the project with Aris and Dr.T works out I will be applying to grad school...and while i've been told I should teach, i think i want to do other things first.
Hmmm...what to say?
When you give up your seat for someone, allow someone in line before you, wipe away a rogue tear from someone struggling to hold it together, gather someone who is breaking into your arms, why do you do it? How about standing up for someone, or something, or telling an obnoxious person who is cussing to back off, etc?
Why do you do these things?
In my case, its not for recognition, its for the fact that they feel necessary to the involved parties. LIke the starfish case, "it matters to that one, and that one"
I need to start being responsible for my actions. The good ones (god I hope there are good ones) I am responsible for because there is no flak attached, but the bad ones I seem to shrug off. I hold up so many walls that my actions seem just that - superficial. This is a post to reiterate, I do feel.
I feel guilt, i feel nausea, i feel anger, i feel love. I feel happy, sad, depressed, imperfect, hopeless, and more often than not recently, hollow.
The truth is, i have a wall that keeps most people out, and even the ones who "know" me have doubts as to my sincerity. Here's the only admission I can make about that - believe what you will if you are not prepared to spend the energy to prove that I can let you in...then I pray you the patience to think about my actions and lack thereof and see for yourself if I am the kind of person you can trust. I know my mind and the reasons for my actions as much as anyone else...
Let's hope that I can keep looking in the mirror and recognizing that there is good in me and that I do good things sometimes...sometimes its so cloudy.
But...while i have made both mistakes and catastrophes, i still hope i'm not a bad person
Noticing your note is flat is one thing, but changing it requires constant monitoring of your voice and constant support...and until i prove to anyone that I am breathing and thinking of the note, I don't expect support...
But hope springs eternal
I lied, about things I promised not to , to more than one person recently. It was after a long period of lying that i finally just fessed up and started telling the truth. It comes to light that I am a liar, a cheater, and someone who hurt the people around him very much, very deeply, and to the point that some of them were so beaten up by him (emotionally) that they cannot believe anything I say. I did this knowing that what I did would hurt those around me. Let me clarify - I did NOT hurt them purposely, but rather I started and continued actions that hurt the individuals that were involved in this complicated web of affection, deceit, and misdirection. So let me, again, reclarify. No one in the recent events is to blame except myself, because I didnt actually stick to my promises and lied. And no one but me is to blame for my faults because I did them and i cannot take them back but instead try to move forward without hurting anyone anymore.
I hope this clears up any confusion about who is the victim here - i am not a victim, I am a perpetrator of painful lies and actions that I won't explain online becuase they are too personal, but I apologize to all the people whom I have hurt and hope that they can one day forgive me. Understanding is out of the question, but forgiveness is something i can at least hope for.
So saying the following are concepts and thoughts and opinions of mine, not attacks of hopes for pity.
I slid into a wall in the raquetball court tuesday night, playing wallyball. My knee is still swollen - my grandmother thinks it might have cracked something.
I think I am ok, physically at least. A bit fatter, i guess.
Terribly weather on the drive back, just wet and sloshy and lots of silly drivers...not to mention the police every 4 miles or so.
I hope everyone got home in one piece
I just read Jamie's post, and my reply to it started to crystalize what i want for my life
My father asked me what i was doing after school - and i said if the project with Aris and Dr.T works out I will be applying to grad school...and while i've been told I should teach, i think i want to do other things first.
Hmmm...what to say?
When you give up your seat for someone, allow someone in line before you, wipe away a rogue tear from someone struggling to hold it together, gather someone who is breaking into your arms, why do you do it? How about standing up for someone, or something, or telling an obnoxious person who is cussing to back off, etc?
Why do you do these things?
In my case, its not for recognition, its for the fact that they feel necessary to the involved parties. LIke the starfish case, "it matters to that one, and that one"
I need to start being responsible for my actions. The good ones (god I hope there are good ones) I am responsible for because there is no flak attached, but the bad ones I seem to shrug off. I hold up so many walls that my actions seem just that - superficial. This is a post to reiterate, I do feel.
I feel guilt, i feel nausea, i feel anger, i feel love. I feel happy, sad, depressed, imperfect, hopeless, and more often than not recently, hollow.
The truth is, i have a wall that keeps most people out, and even the ones who "know" me have doubts as to my sincerity. Here's the only admission I can make about that - believe what you will if you are not prepared to spend the energy to prove that I can let you in...then I pray you the patience to think about my actions and lack thereof and see for yourself if I am the kind of person you can trust. I know my mind and the reasons for my actions as much as anyone else...
Let's hope that I can keep looking in the mirror and recognizing that there is good in me and that I do good things sometimes...sometimes its so cloudy.
But...while i have made both mistakes and catastrophes, i still hope i'm not a bad person
Noticing your note is flat is one thing, but changing it requires constant monitoring of your voice and constant support...and until i prove to anyone that I am breathing and thinking of the note, I don't expect support...
But hope springs eternal