Part of me
Things don't always go my way. Sometimes, I don't get what I want. And I get frusterated. I like to be in control. Not that I really believe there is any such thing as a human being in control of a situation, but I like the feeling just the same. What I really want is comfort. I want things to be easy; I want things to make me happy. Sure, God is in control of everything, has His designs for our lives, is working in us to achieve his purposes, but I only want what I want.
Part of me, (that part that historically seems to win out more often than not) wants to drink myself into a coma. Part of me wants to quit this teaching nonsense. Why? Because one student called me "motherf*****" and another told me to kiss his ass? Is it because I want everything to be easy. Maybe some of that is so, but I think it is more likely because I don't like the feeling of being refined. Isn't that what every guy longs to be, deep down? An unrefinable rebel? Tough, gritty, unapoligetic. Charles Bronson. An autonomous badass? Don't we all want to be Steven Segal, marching, as it were, to our own drummer? (I think it is funny that that phrase or term or whatever was coined by Walt Whitman, the anti-Steven Segal.)
But these kids need Jesus. I need Jesus. I need to pray for them, care about them. It ain't even about the "education," not really. It is about something else, and maybe that something else terrifies me. Maybe its that for the first time in my life, I have a little responsibility. Maybe that explains the desire to just disappear, to drift, move, run like hell. Not that I consider myself a prophet or a preacher or a decent person (**even God couldn't save me** pathos, pathos, melodrama**tortured soul**no one understands me, because I am soooo deep**poetry, dashboard, I am deathcab**) but I'm a hell of a Jonah. They say a man in a crisis falls back on what he knows best.
So I'm out of control these days. From 7:20 til 2:00, Monday thru Friday. My throat hurts from 7:45 til 5:00, monday thru friday. Like I said, it could be that maybe I'm being refined, probably is. I would guess. Because the deal is, my deal, everyone's deal, is that we aren't here for ourselves. Servants of Christ, right?
Crap. Pray for me. Please. I don't want to be such a self-absorbed prick. It just comes natural, you know?
Part of me, (that part that historically seems to win out more often than not) wants to drink myself into a coma. Part of me wants to quit this teaching nonsense. Why? Because one student called me "motherf*****" and another told me to kiss his ass? Is it because I want everything to be easy. Maybe some of that is so, but I think it is more likely because I don't like the feeling of being refined. Isn't that what every guy longs to be, deep down? An unrefinable rebel? Tough, gritty, unapoligetic. Charles Bronson. An autonomous badass? Don't we all want to be Steven Segal, marching, as it were, to our own drummer? (I think it is funny that that phrase or term or whatever was coined by Walt Whitman, the anti-Steven Segal.)
But these kids need Jesus. I need Jesus. I need to pray for them, care about them. It ain't even about the "education," not really. It is about something else, and maybe that something else terrifies me. Maybe its that for the first time in my life, I have a little responsibility. Maybe that explains the desire to just disappear, to drift, move, run like hell. Not that I consider myself a prophet or a preacher or a decent person (**even God couldn't save me** pathos, pathos, melodrama**tortured soul**no one understands me, because I am soooo deep**poetry, dashboard, I am deathcab**) but I'm a hell of a Jonah. They say a man in a crisis falls back on what he knows best.
So I'm out of control these days. From 7:20 til 2:00, Monday thru Friday. My throat hurts from 7:45 til 5:00, monday thru friday. Like I said, it could be that maybe I'm being refined, probably is. I would guess. Because the deal is, my deal, everyone's deal, is that we aren't here for ourselves. Servants of Christ, right?
Crap. Pray for me. Please. I don't want to be such a self-absorbed prick. It just comes natural, you know?