a letter
Dear Theresa
You know, it's kind of weird that I'm writing you this letter on my Live Journal because you don't even know that I have one of these things. Honestly, I haven't even written anything in this thing for a long ass time. Wow, who knows how long. I know I can just go look at my old entries to see the dates but I don't wanna stop writing because it might fuck up the flow. Yeah, I know, it might sound retarded that someone can fuck up the flow of their writing but, when all your grades and your future depend on how well you write you pick up little odd habits. Whenever I get going really good on some shit I'm writing I hate to have anything interupt me because I feel like I'm on a train and the tracks are leading me, if that makes sense. I sort of feel like the story is the tracks and I'm a train. The best stories write themselves, I just put it all down on paper and lead people to it, I
guess.
Anyway, this isn't a short story or anything, it's a letter, just a basic letter with me saying all this shit to you that your never going to read. Honestly, when you just stopped talking to me out of no where I pretty much figured that I was done, you know? I gave it a shot and that's that. Although I knew it already I still like having it said to me, that way I don't wonder about it. That's why I wrote you that message asking you if I had done something fucked up, if maybe that's why you just stopped talking to me. And like I said, I wasn't suprised when you told me that you were really busy with finals and that you had started seeing someone else. You asked me to not hate you...
You dont have to worry about me hating you, at all. I don't, there's no need to, it'd be a waste of time and energy for me to have negative feelings like that towards you. You didn't do anything wrong. We went on like three dates, which we're never even official dates because we never titled them as dates. Sure, they were bery datish. Date number one consisted of us walking around Millenium Park at night joking around. Date number two we played pool, got icecream, and then went to the movies to see that horrible Antonio Banderas ball room dancing movie! Number three was that party. And I know I said that Party didn't suck, but since you're never going to read this anyway, that party was boring as fuck! Honestly, I dont even thing that "party" can be defined as a party, it was more like a bunch of people just sitting around. And fuck your friends were all boring too! For one, none of them were even drinking!!! You had a whole keg an no one drank! Thats a fucking waste of beer, wasting beer should be a sin and illeagle!!!
But yeah, I don't hate you. Sure, I wish you just told me that you started seeing someone else instead of just stopping talking to me altogether because that's just common curtiousy. C'mon, I don't know if you were scared I'd get mad or something but you should've atleast worked up the courage and told me instead of just letting me wonder to myself if I had done something stupid to piss you off so bad that it meritted you to close off communication with me.
But me telling you that you did something wrong isn't the point of this letter. The point is that I have a question. Do you ever think about how people just come in to your life and before you even get a chance to really know them they're gone? I had a lot of those people in my life. We never got the chance to know eachother. We just hung out a few times. Like, you might be able to name some of my favorite books because I have a few listed on my Myspace but you don't know why they're my favorites. You know I'm a Fiction Major but you don't know why I want to be a writer, or have even read any of my stuff. You don't know that I love wearing ties and blazers, that every time I have to go to a wedding or something I feel awesome because it gives me a chance to think about which of my ties would look good with my brown blazer. I have a lot of cool ties you know? Some of my friends have told me that I have the fashion sense of an english teacher, haha. I sort of like hearting that I guess. I want to be a creative writing teacher when I'm done with school, and then write my own shit on my free time, get a few novels published eventually. English was always my favorite subject growing up. I love stories, more than anything. Stories talk to people like nothing else can, in ways that movies and music never could. It's a form of communication that can make you feel like your not alone, know what I mean?
But yeah, I obviously don't know this guy that your getting involved with now but I hope he's cool and shit. I know that sounds weird and shit seeing as I took a shot at hooking up with you. But, I dont know, lately I've just hoped that people's lives go really good and shit, even people that I don't like to much. I dated this girly about a year ago, her name was Courtney Harvey, and I can't even explain to you how much that relationship sucked! It would take me weeks of explaining so you could just get an idea of how severely it sucked, so I wont even try. In the end she cheated on me and shit. I hated her for a long ass time... After a while, after I worked through the mountains that rose in my chest, the mountains that took up so much room that it made it hard for my lungs to expand so I could breathe ok, I let it all go. I stopped hating her and shit, I realized that Courtney was so fucked up in so many ways that I was better with out her and that she had so much shit against her that my hate would just be another thing she had to live with. Maybe she deserves my hate in a lot of ways. But, I don't ever want to be one of those guys, those guys that are angry all the time because of shit that happened to them or because of people that fucked them over. I'll never talk to her again, even if she called me tomorrow I wouldn't answerer and I'd never call her back but, I don't hate her.
So like I was saying. I don't know this dude your getting with now you know? He might be really cool, maybe a big dude who loves foot ball and parties really hard and shit. Maybe he's really smart and shit. He might even be a history major like you and you guys could talk about how civil rights did this or that, or how the Gulf war did blah blah blah. I'm not to great with history, I spent most of my time sleeping durring history classes. But do you want to know my dream? I figure that the best way to get to know someone is by learing what their dreams are. Anyway this is my dream. When I'm thrity five, I want to be married, I don't know really know what kind of girl I'd marry but, she'd be really sweet, and really touchy feely you know? Like, she'd rub my shoulders whenever she'd pass by and I was sitting in a chair or some shit. And, she'd joke around and tease me playfully and she'd tell me whenever I was being a retard, she'd be really smart too, she'd handle our money because I'm a retard when it comes to money, I wasted it all right when it touches my hands. And I'd live in this nice ass apartment in the city. And I'd teach Fiction Writing at Columbia. I'd help all these kids become kick ass writers because if anything, the world could use a few more good writers. And I'd write my own shit on my free time, novels ofcourse because I love novels and, I hope that my novels would touch people. Like, if there was a kid out there who felt alone and sad I hope that he or she would read one of my novels and feel a little less sad and alone...
Besides that stuff I'd have another house, a house in Mexico, in a little city or town. I'd go there in the summers and just write, drink tequila with friends and just relax in a world that doesn't move as fast as things in the city, be in a place where you don't just go to work and then to bed just so that you could repeat the whole process again the next day, a place where you can just sit back and move at your own pace. I know a lot of my friends say I'm white and shit because I listen to punk and skateboard, but whatever. Every time I've gone to Mexico I've felt like it was another home... And, now that I get older I find myself talking spanish a lot more. There was this old Mexican guy that worked produce while I was working at Sam's Club and I'd talk to him in nothing but spanish whenever I saw him. I'm not trying to be all like "look at me I'm Mexican I can prove it," or anything. I think the thing is that when you get older you start wonder more and more about where you came from don't you think? Maybe it's just me. But, when I think about Mexico and when I talk in spanish I feel like it's something that comes from my core, like it's coming from my veins. No matter what I wear or what I listen to or what I do the blood in my veins can never change... My blood will always be from Mexico and I'll always be one of their people... I don't even know if any of this shit I'm saying makes sense, I hope it does though.
So yeah your never going to read this and it ended up being a lot more about me than you but whatever. It felt good writing it. If it doesnt make sense to anyone who reads it I'm sorry, it all made a lot of sense as I wrote it.
sal
p.s. Good luck with everything, hope it all goes good, honestly.
You know, it's kind of weird that I'm writing you this letter on my Live Journal because you don't even know that I have one of these things. Honestly, I haven't even written anything in this thing for a long ass time. Wow, who knows how long. I know I can just go look at my old entries to see the dates but I don't wanna stop writing because it might fuck up the flow. Yeah, I know, it might sound retarded that someone can fuck up the flow of their writing but, when all your grades and your future depend on how well you write you pick up little odd habits. Whenever I get going really good on some shit I'm writing I hate to have anything interupt me because I feel like I'm on a train and the tracks are leading me, if that makes sense. I sort of feel like the story is the tracks and I'm a train. The best stories write themselves, I just put it all down on paper and lead people to it, I
guess.
Anyway, this isn't a short story or anything, it's a letter, just a basic letter with me saying all this shit to you that your never going to read. Honestly, when you just stopped talking to me out of no where I pretty much figured that I was done, you know? I gave it a shot and that's that. Although I knew it already I still like having it said to me, that way I don't wonder about it. That's why I wrote you that message asking you if I had done something fucked up, if maybe that's why you just stopped talking to me. And like I said, I wasn't suprised when you told me that you were really busy with finals and that you had started seeing someone else. You asked me to not hate you...
You dont have to worry about me hating you, at all. I don't, there's no need to, it'd be a waste of time and energy for me to have negative feelings like that towards you. You didn't do anything wrong. We went on like three dates, which we're never even official dates because we never titled them as dates. Sure, they were bery datish. Date number one consisted of us walking around Millenium Park at night joking around. Date number two we played pool, got icecream, and then went to the movies to see that horrible Antonio Banderas ball room dancing movie! Number three was that party. And I know I said that Party didn't suck, but since you're never going to read this anyway, that party was boring as fuck! Honestly, I dont even thing that "party" can be defined as a party, it was more like a bunch of people just sitting around. And fuck your friends were all boring too! For one, none of them were even drinking!!! You had a whole keg an no one drank! Thats a fucking waste of beer, wasting beer should be a sin and illeagle!!!
But yeah, I don't hate you. Sure, I wish you just told me that you started seeing someone else instead of just stopping talking to me altogether because that's just common curtiousy. C'mon, I don't know if you were scared I'd get mad or something but you should've atleast worked up the courage and told me instead of just letting me wonder to myself if I had done something stupid to piss you off so bad that it meritted you to close off communication with me.
But me telling you that you did something wrong isn't the point of this letter. The point is that I have a question. Do you ever think about how people just come in to your life and before you even get a chance to really know them they're gone? I had a lot of those people in my life. We never got the chance to know eachother. We just hung out a few times. Like, you might be able to name some of my favorite books because I have a few listed on my Myspace but you don't know why they're my favorites. You know I'm a Fiction Major but you don't know why I want to be a writer, or have even read any of my stuff. You don't know that I love wearing ties and blazers, that every time I have to go to a wedding or something I feel awesome because it gives me a chance to think about which of my ties would look good with my brown blazer. I have a lot of cool ties you know? Some of my friends have told me that I have the fashion sense of an english teacher, haha. I sort of like hearting that I guess. I want to be a creative writing teacher when I'm done with school, and then write my own shit on my free time, get a few novels published eventually. English was always my favorite subject growing up. I love stories, more than anything. Stories talk to people like nothing else can, in ways that movies and music never could. It's a form of communication that can make you feel like your not alone, know what I mean?
But yeah, I obviously don't know this guy that your getting involved with now but I hope he's cool and shit. I know that sounds weird and shit seeing as I took a shot at hooking up with you. But, I dont know, lately I've just hoped that people's lives go really good and shit, even people that I don't like to much. I dated this girly about a year ago, her name was Courtney Harvey, and I can't even explain to you how much that relationship sucked! It would take me weeks of explaining so you could just get an idea of how severely it sucked, so I wont even try. In the end she cheated on me and shit. I hated her for a long ass time... After a while, after I worked through the mountains that rose in my chest, the mountains that took up so much room that it made it hard for my lungs to expand so I could breathe ok, I let it all go. I stopped hating her and shit, I realized that Courtney was so fucked up in so many ways that I was better with out her and that she had so much shit against her that my hate would just be another thing she had to live with. Maybe she deserves my hate in a lot of ways. But, I don't ever want to be one of those guys, those guys that are angry all the time because of shit that happened to them or because of people that fucked them over. I'll never talk to her again, even if she called me tomorrow I wouldn't answerer and I'd never call her back but, I don't hate her.
So like I was saying. I don't know this dude your getting with now you know? He might be really cool, maybe a big dude who loves foot ball and parties really hard and shit. Maybe he's really smart and shit. He might even be a history major like you and you guys could talk about how civil rights did this or that, or how the Gulf war did blah blah blah. I'm not to great with history, I spent most of my time sleeping durring history classes. But do you want to know my dream? I figure that the best way to get to know someone is by learing what their dreams are. Anyway this is my dream. When I'm thrity five, I want to be married, I don't know really know what kind of girl I'd marry but, she'd be really sweet, and really touchy feely you know? Like, she'd rub my shoulders whenever she'd pass by and I was sitting in a chair or some shit. And, she'd joke around and tease me playfully and she'd tell me whenever I was being a retard, she'd be really smart too, she'd handle our money because I'm a retard when it comes to money, I wasted it all right when it touches my hands. And I'd live in this nice ass apartment in the city. And I'd teach Fiction Writing at Columbia. I'd help all these kids become kick ass writers because if anything, the world could use a few more good writers. And I'd write my own shit on my free time, novels ofcourse because I love novels and, I hope that my novels would touch people. Like, if there was a kid out there who felt alone and sad I hope that he or she would read one of my novels and feel a little less sad and alone...
Besides that stuff I'd have another house, a house in Mexico, in a little city or town. I'd go there in the summers and just write, drink tequila with friends and just relax in a world that doesn't move as fast as things in the city, be in a place where you don't just go to work and then to bed just so that you could repeat the whole process again the next day, a place where you can just sit back and move at your own pace. I know a lot of my friends say I'm white and shit because I listen to punk and skateboard, but whatever. Every time I've gone to Mexico I've felt like it was another home... And, now that I get older I find myself talking spanish a lot more. There was this old Mexican guy that worked produce while I was working at Sam's Club and I'd talk to him in nothing but spanish whenever I saw him. I'm not trying to be all like "look at me I'm Mexican I can prove it," or anything. I think the thing is that when you get older you start wonder more and more about where you came from don't you think? Maybe it's just me. But, when I think about Mexico and when I talk in spanish I feel like it's something that comes from my core, like it's coming from my veins. No matter what I wear or what I listen to or what I do the blood in my veins can never change... My blood will always be from Mexico and I'll always be one of their people... I don't even know if any of this shit I'm saying makes sense, I hope it does though.
So yeah your never going to read this and it ended up being a lot more about me than you but whatever. It felt good writing it. If it doesnt make sense to anyone who reads it I'm sorry, it all made a lot of sense as I wrote it.
sal
p.s. Good luck with everything, hope it all goes good, honestly.