Iiiiiiiiii have become, comfortably numb.
Well, I'm in Seattle.
I've been here since Thursday evening. I've spent time with a few friends. Been to a few places that hold special meaning for me and were surprisingly difficult to be around.
Hopefully a little later today all my math for the quarter will be turned in and I'll hope for enough credit to pass.. or not. either way - I'm not really expecting much.
I'm trying to be okay.. but it's really, truly, fucking hard. I don't mean to whine or be difficult or anything like that - I just have to have someone to tell that I hurt, and not have them make me feel bad for it.. or scoff at me (figuratively or literally) for having so many feelings. And right now, I think this is the closest I'm going to get..
there is one thing I've decided I'm fucking done with. I want to wake up and see the sun and be free and happy and look forward to all the things I'm going to do that day. I want that person back, I miss her.. "you would not understand, this is not how I am..."
And I'm impatient and since I can see how I want that back, I want it back *now*. And its really hard to accept that it might (probably, almost for certain) will be a path that'll take some time to travel. But I want it to be over, I want to be better than this.. for... somebody special, if nothing else.
I can look back and blame a million things for how it got this way, myself at the top of the list. But, although not a fucking second goes by that I don't wish my hardest to have it all back the way it was before I fucked it up, I know that I've got to fix now. So I'm going to try. And I hope that when I fall and falter and reach out for your hands to help me, they'll be there. I know they will. I've got some amazing friends - I would not be here without them.
we'll see, Life, we'll see..
I've been here since Thursday evening. I've spent time with a few friends. Been to a few places that hold special meaning for me and were surprisingly difficult to be around.
Hopefully a little later today all my math for the quarter will be turned in and I'll hope for enough credit to pass.. or not. either way - I'm not really expecting much.
I'm trying to be okay.. but it's really, truly, fucking hard. I don't mean to whine or be difficult or anything like that - I just have to have someone to tell that I hurt, and not have them make me feel bad for it.. or scoff at me (figuratively or literally) for having so many feelings. And right now, I think this is the closest I'm going to get..
there is one thing I've decided I'm fucking done with. I want to wake up and see the sun and be free and happy and look forward to all the things I'm going to do that day. I want that person back, I miss her.. "you would not understand, this is not how I am..."
And I'm impatient and since I can see how I want that back, I want it back *now*. And its really hard to accept that it might (probably, almost for certain) will be a path that'll take some time to travel. But I want it to be over, I want to be better than this.. for... somebody special, if nothing else.
I can look back and blame a million things for how it got this way, myself at the top of the list. But, although not a fucking second goes by that I don't wish my hardest to have it all back the way it was before I fucked it up, I know that I've got to fix now. So I'm going to try. And I hope that when I fall and falter and reach out for your hands to help me, they'll be there. I know they will. I've got some amazing friends - I would not be here without them.
we'll see, Life, we'll see..