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[grump_e]

I have this "I don't know if I can do this anymore.." feeling. But I don't know what the alternative is.. or maybe the alternative would be worse, in some way, than the status-quo, so I don't want to look too hard at that option, either. I'm not even sure I know what this, that I don't want to keep doing, is

Comments

[xaotica]

maybe make a list of all the things you want to do but aren't because you feel like you can't? then pick one and decide to do it anyway

[grump_e]

that sounds like a good idea... until I think of all the things I want to do and realize that a lot of them hinge on money that I don't have, and as hard as I'm trying, don't think I'm going to be able to come up with.. and that fuckin tears me apart.
and then there's things that I just don't have all the control over. So I have to just wait and see how they play out, and I'm not a patient person, and it's driving me absolutely fucking crazy.

have you ever wanted to just give up, lay down in a field or on the beach, some beautiful place to say goodbye to this world, and die? Because I think it would be very hard for anyone to understand how I feel if they haven't felt that before..

[xaotica]

yeah, i have... my mom is bipolar and it's quite possible that i inherited some mood/depression issues too unfortunately :/

are you working at this point, or does your illness interfere w/that too much?

[grump_e]

yah, I can't really get a job. They don't take too kindly when you call in sick for a week and a half every couple months. Plus a day or two here and there. I have been thinking about getting a job, I am desperately trying to find money to go to burningman this summer.. but I'm not sure where I could work and not feel too bad just quitting all of a sudden when I want to leave, or somewhere that would be cool with my illness.

I need to do *something*, though. I fucked up school again this quarter (yay me=(=() and I haven't really taken charge of this insurance settlement like I should have.. but I guess thinking about it, the insurance settlement is a good place to start. I think I'll make all the necessary calls tomorrow..

and thanks for your comments and understanding, it really does help..

[xaotica]

there are jobs you could get where you choose when you work. my little brother has one of those. it's through a temp agency and it doesn't pay that well ($10/hour) but he can choose which days he wants to work on a day by day basis and can take as much time off as he wants. it's not an exciting job at all... he does tasks like painting houses and mowing laws... but it is very flexible about his schedule. i know there are data entry jobs like that too. pretty boring stuff but they probably pay better than my brother's

[xaotica]

totally understanding how you feel!!!!!

the only thing that gets me thru this type of experience is remembering that sometimes "waiting is the hardest part" and that sometimes you have to practice patience even when it seems like that is all you are doing...

Perhaps something is just around the corner, gather your strengths...focus your body and mind on the here and now and how you can make the most of it and get to that next level..