crazy
Sometimes I wish I wasn't pregnant. That way I would know that I am just crazy and not be constantly trying to figure out if it is hormones that are making me all pissed off and insane or if the situation actually calls for it.
My husband makes me insane. Which, really, is his job, I guess. We have fallen into these patterns and while they work for us most of the time, right now, they do not. This pregnancy is kicking my ass. I guess that's why they keep referring to me as "an older mom".
When I found out I was pregnant again, I was still in the mindset that if we got pregnant again after this one, it would be cool. Like I would take whatever the universe decided we could handle. But now, I'm like, OK One of us is getting fixed after this one! Because (TMI) I really like having sex with my husband but I think I am done making babies with him. It is hard enough creating a human life, but doing it while chasing around a 2 and 4 year old could be an Olympic sport. And during this winter, which has just been brutal? No thanks.
What is frustrating is that our roles in this relationship have become very concrete. The house and kids are my job. His job is to go to work. Holy shit, how 50s right?? I know. But it works for us, so whatevs. I love staying home with them and I am good at it. I am also good at keeping the house running. Scott's whole family has started using me as their personal secretary. Someone goes out of town, they leave their contact info with me in case someone needs to reach them. Weird. Anyway.
Usually this is fine. He takes out the garbage and cleans the catbox, which are two jobs I hate, so that's cool. He doesn't mind changing a diaper or that kind of thing. But here's the thing. He works a rotating shift. So when he is on 4pm-midnight, we hardly see him, which gets me worked up on good days. It starts to feel like I am a single parent again. Then he transitions into his midnight-8am schedule by staying up all night the night before, which makes sense for changing over. BUT On those nights, he just dinks around on the laptop and watches movies.
Keeping in mind I am already worked up about the previous schedule and feeling alone, I get pissed. There is no way I could spend hours and hours just sitting and doing nothing. Well, I could. But then nothing would be done. One of the major problems is that we have very different ideas of "clean", which is really what causes the biggest issue. Yesterday when I was yelling at him about it he said "well why bother picking it all up and cleaning it if they are just going to wreck it two minutes later". Which I totally get. But there is a level of organization and clean that happens if you stay on top of it.
Anyway. I am getting big. And tired. So I need some help. He just isn't getting it. And it is pissing me off. And I figure since this isn't the first time we have had this argument, it is not that I am pregnant and crazy that is making it happen. Well, not totally. So I spend yesterday and the day before just pissed at him. We had it out yesterday afternoon. And by "had it out" I mean that I sat and talked, yelled, and cried at him while he sat there needing to go to bed. I started it right after he got off work.
The tension is mostly out of the air now, but I am waiting to see if my point was made. I am hoping he heard me through the fog of tired and all the tears. I'm still crabby and tired, but here is where I am annoyed with my stupid body and mind. It betrays me every time we have a fight. I want to be mad at him and stay pissed and keep my ground. But then I just want him to hold me. I want him to rub my back and joke around with me. I crave it. And it's not like he is holding back from these things on purpose. He's probably scared of me. Not sure if I am done being GodzillaWife.
I dunno. I lost my train of thought. Too much going on. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so much so I could just stay all pissed off and evil.
My husband makes me insane. Which, really, is his job, I guess. We have fallen into these patterns and while they work for us most of the time, right now, they do not. This pregnancy is kicking my ass. I guess that's why they keep referring to me as "an older mom".
When I found out I was pregnant again, I was still in the mindset that if we got pregnant again after this one, it would be cool. Like I would take whatever the universe decided we could handle. But now, I'm like, OK One of us is getting fixed after this one! Because (TMI) I really like having sex with my husband but I think I am done making babies with him. It is hard enough creating a human life, but doing it while chasing around a 2 and 4 year old could be an Olympic sport. And during this winter, which has just been brutal? No thanks.
What is frustrating is that our roles in this relationship have become very concrete. The house and kids are my job. His job is to go to work. Holy shit, how 50s right?? I know. But it works for us, so whatevs. I love staying home with them and I am good at it. I am also good at keeping the house running. Scott's whole family has started using me as their personal secretary. Someone goes out of town, they leave their contact info with me in case someone needs to reach them. Weird. Anyway.
Usually this is fine. He takes out the garbage and cleans the catbox, which are two jobs I hate, so that's cool. He doesn't mind changing a diaper or that kind of thing. But here's the thing. He works a rotating shift. So when he is on 4pm-midnight, we hardly see him, which gets me worked up on good days. It starts to feel like I am a single parent again. Then he transitions into his midnight-8am schedule by staying up all night the night before, which makes sense for changing over. BUT On those nights, he just dinks around on the laptop and watches movies.
Keeping in mind I am already worked up about the previous schedule and feeling alone, I get pissed. There is no way I could spend hours and hours just sitting and doing nothing. Well, I could. But then nothing would be done. One of the major problems is that we have very different ideas of "clean", which is really what causes the biggest issue. Yesterday when I was yelling at him about it he said "well why bother picking it all up and cleaning it if they are just going to wreck it two minutes later". Which I totally get. But there is a level of organization and clean that happens if you stay on top of it.
Anyway. I am getting big. And tired. So I need some help. He just isn't getting it. And it is pissing me off. And I figure since this isn't the first time we have had this argument, it is not that I am pregnant and crazy that is making it happen. Well, not totally. So I spend yesterday and the day before just pissed at him. We had it out yesterday afternoon. And by "had it out" I mean that I sat and talked, yelled, and cried at him while he sat there needing to go to bed. I started it right after he got off work.
The tension is mostly out of the air now, but I am waiting to see if my point was made. I am hoping he heard me through the fog of tired and all the tears. I'm still crabby and tired, but here is where I am annoyed with my stupid body and mind. It betrays me every time we have a fight. I want to be mad at him and stay pissed and keep my ground. But then I just want him to hold me. I want him to rub my back and joke around with me. I crave it. And it's not like he is holding back from these things on purpose. He's probably scared of me. Not sure if I am done being GodzillaWife.
I dunno. I lost my train of thought. Too much going on. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so much so I could just stay all pissed off and evil.