A Great Danish
That’s the name of the big guy’s last post. Oh wait, no, it’s A Great Day. My mistake. For some reason, every time I visit his blog, I think about food. Weird.
Sorry for the delay in this post, as well; I had planned on ranting yesterday - and I did, trust me - but certain technical difficulties precluded me from getting my words up for the world to see on the internet. But to begin, I’d like to give a shout-out to Eric Jennings, self-proclaimed nerd, GRRM-focused author of The Most Boring Blog You've Ever Read, and a fan of our little corner of sarcasm. Eric gave us some kind words that someone forwarded to me, and I’m always happy to help promote a fellow nerd-in-residence when it comes to our shared distaste for lazy fat men with beards who write fantasy novels.
You know, a normal person would think that that last sentence of mine was geared at a particular person. Sadly, all of you fantasy readers know that it doesn’t actually narrow it down one bit.
Anyways, Eric sounds nervous about possily appearing in FTBG, like we might do something nasty to him or something. Don't worry, Eric. The Dothraki style just takes some getting used to.
Eeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!! Liotta, stop already!
Sorry, I can't. I'm feisty today. Consider today's blog to be NC-17. Especially when you get to the lesbo sex and bestiality. (You think I'm kidding, don't you? That's adorable.)
On another side note, I heard Michael Crichton died today. I wasn’t the hugest fan of his, but the guy had a good imagination, and I can respect that. Hats off to MC. I oftentimes impersonated Richard Attenborough in Jurassic Park, because that's a gag that just never gets old.
Now, as for people who don’t have any imagination, let’s talk about the fact that I just finished ASOS, and as usual, GRRM is pissing me off. For as many awesome things that happen in this book (the Red Wedding, Arya & the Hound, Tywin getting gutshot by a midget with a crossbow, etc.), there are still the many, many obnoxious traits of Fatty McFattypants that I have to deal with. And I’m a busy fucking guy, you know? I don't have time for this shit.
Specifically, here are some things that pissed me off during the final stretch of ASOS:
The unacceptably liberal use of the word “tummy” in Sansa chapters. If you don’t know what I mean, take a look at the chapter where Petyr Baelish absconds with Sansa on the boat after taking her from King’s Landing. “Sansa felt a flutter in her tummy.” “Sansa didn’t drink the wine, for fear her tummy would reject it.” “Sansa’s tummy tightened at the thought of Daenerys and Cersei slipping their fingers up her thighs towards her…” Well okay, maybe that last one didn’t happen…but I’ve got ten bucks bet with Pesci that we have a three-way lesbo scene in the next book. Jabba the Horny can’t seem to get enough of teen sex scenes. But yeah, “tummy.” For fuck’s sake, this girl is like 14 at this point. The girl isn’t fucking six years old. She can call it a stomach. Look at other Sansa chapters for the same problem.
Yet another repetition of the finding of the wolves. Now Pesci and I have talked at length about how fucking obnoxious the big guy is when it comes to repeating himself. Every character has some unique detail about them, and just like GRRM’s insistence at noting exactly what people are wearing and what people are eating in every new scene, he also insists on mentioning Tywin Lannister’s stiff side-whiskers, and Sandor Clegane’s burned face, and Robb’s beard, and Jon Snow’s burned hand, and a hundred fucking other details every time a character appears in a new chapter. But the one I find most annoying and unnecessary is the wolf story.
Just now, during the scenes at the Wall where Jon gets chosen Lord Commander, Ghost comes back. Of course, Jon has his uncharacteristically over-exuberant response, much like when he found out Bran was going to LIIIIIIIIIVVVEE…
“Ghost! Ghoooooost!! Kissy kissy kissy!!!!!” shouted Jon Snow, rubbing his hands through the thick white fur. Ghost kissed him back, his tongue wet and demanding in his mouth. Jon pulled away at first, but then, as Ghost’s paws gripped the back of his hair, Jon submitted, running his burned hand along the direwolf’s lean torso. Jon’s hand felt tight as always, the burns still healing in memory of his battle with the zombie corpse in Lord Mormont’s chambers. Ghost had been with him then, too. It seemed like a thousand years ago…
Woah, where did I go with that one? Anyway, you get the point. Or, actually, you probably don’t, because I haven’t gotten there yet. I do like my tangents, don't I? But when Ghost shows up at the Wall, we once again get a retelling of how they found “five direwolf pups in the snow, one for each child of the Stark household. But then, as they rode away, a sixth pup was found…white, unlike the others…a bastard, just like Jon Snow…”
Seriously, if I needed hamfisted symbolism, I’d pick up a copy of “The Scarlet Ibis” and cry for Doodle all night. But in the meantime, George, we get it. We all get it. Nobody gives a shit anymore about finding the goddamn dogs in the snow.
Catelyn. As you can probably imagine, there was no human being on earth more pleased than I was when Cat got her throat slit like an Iowa sow at a slaughterhouse. But of course, she couldn’t stay dead. Nooooooo, Thoros had to work his little magic show so we could have her looking sadly at everyone she comes across. Jesus Christ, just cut her head off and be done with it. I still maintain that Robb should have beheaded his own mother, it probably would have worked out for the better, instead of beheading Karstark and letting mom just wander around Riverrun being sad all day. Pesci and I have been discussing whether or not Ned would have beheaded his wife for letting the Kingslayer out. Pesci thinks no, but I’m not entirely sure. Ned was a pretty honorable guy, and if it came to war, I’m not sure he would let his wife do something like that and not feel there was a certain punishment that needed to be meted out. But anyways, Catelyn sucks.
I also predict that this is what will happen with Bran; Bran will warg his way into someone or something’s body, a la Mormont’s raven or that wilding hawk or falcon or whatever it was that that dude put his mind into. Bran will get killed but his whiny mind will live on in the body of a mammoth or a house cat or something. I can see it now, Sam Tarly is tending to the ravens at the Wall, and we get something like this;
Raven #1: “Quork!”
Sam: “Good bird. Here’s your food!”
Raven #2: “Corn? Corn? Corn?”
Sam: “Okay, okay! Here’s your corn!”
Raven #3: “I want to be a knight!”
Sam: “AAAIIIEEEEEEE!!!!” (sound of fat boy tumbling over furniture)
HBO, take note: the above scene is available for your use. I want 20 points on merchandising and 6 on the back end.
Side note: Despite my dislike of the ASOS audiobook, it is far better than the Fight Club audiobook I just tried, which had music in the background during the reading. Seriously? I thought when I heard it. I started it up and there's this jazzy little number in the background during the whole reading. (Drum machine, keyboard line, da dahhhh, do do do dahhhh, "Tyler had his gun in my mouth...." doo wap do dah dahhhh...ridiculous.)