Birthday Japes and Annoyances (or, Parris is Burning, MST3K style)
Yes, it is my birthday today. I am just over halfway to 60, which means that I am just over halfway to the age where I can be as lazy and petty as a fantasy writer with too much ego and too little motivation.
Now some people mentioned the office break-in that happened to Captain Tacopants. I have several thoughts on that matter:
- Conveniently, the big guy has noted that he will spend his whole week dealing with police, locksmiths, insurance companies, etc., etc. Translation: not writing.
- I am really, really happy to hear about the two hours of TiVoed television that he got to watch.
- If the break-in is true, and not yet another excuse to not write, I have a hard time feeling sympathy for someone who is "adding on a two-story library tower to the back of the house."
I'm no class warrior, and break-ins suck, but you all know that my tolerance for delays and excuses from the big guy has gone out the window. He and Parris are fine, good for them, now let's get back to work. Honestly, the one person I really feel bad for is the reader who gave him a sword. It's nice to give people gifts. It's especially nice when you probably don't even know the person personally. So anonymous fan, I'm sorry your gift sword is in the hands of brigands. However, at least now it is being used, hopefully in the pillaging of small New Mexican hamlets, as opposed to standing in the corner of an unsecured room. (Is New Mexican a real adjective? Well, I just made it one.)
That all being said, greetings again, faithful readers. As you know, like my big brother Pesci, I too am moving through the ASOIAF audiobooks. I’ve already complained about Roy Dotrice, so I’ll give him a pass on this one. I’m currently moving through ASOS, and as usual, lots of things are annoying me. And as you all know, when I am annoyed, I am motivated to vent my frustrations via the internet. God, I love the internet.
Anyways, first off, let’s add a couple more phrases that should be eliminated from the books forthwith:
- “A Lannister always pays his debts.” Seriously Jaime, fuck you. I like Jaime as a character, but the fact that the Lannisters feel the need to say this every three pages in ASOS makes me want to run amok in a D&D tournament with a spiked mace in one hand and a handful of Sports Illustrated subscription cards in the other. So much pain would be unleashed, to be sure.
- “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Again, Ygritte, go fuck yourself. With Rattleshirt’s bone, if you have to. What the hell does Jon Snow see in this chick? She tells him he “knows nothing” every five minutes, and yet she’s such a fucking hick, she’s never seen a building more than two stories tall, she’s never seen a bar of soap in her life, and if you gave her a comb, she’d probably try and scratch her back with it. Or comb her back hair, for that matter. Imagine traipsing through the woods, in the snow, for weeks on end, with your most obnoxious girlfriend or boyfriend walking right behind you, telling you how once again you’ve screwed something up. That’s what this reminds me of. If I were Jon Snow, I would have stabbed this chick in the face after day one. And if Mance or Magnar or anybody complained, I’d be like, “Hey, we’re the Free Folk, right? We don’t follow rules? That’s our thing? I thought so. I do what I want.” And if Styr still gave me any lip, I’d be like, “Hey Styr - go ahead and do something. Bitch.”
- "I am the blood of the dragon!" You are a whiny, self-centered bitch, that's what you are, Dany. I mean, I know the chick has dragons and survived a funeral pyre, but seriously, I find it hard to understand why this girl's sense of entitlement hasn't caused her to be carved up like a piece of catfish. Unfortunately, every person in the book who tells Dany what I want her to be told ends up getting burned alive or beheaded or gutted. I would say I hope her comeuppance is impending, but since I'm not sure if I'll ever see the end of this series, I will probably have to deal. Man, I miss Viserys. At least his obnoxious nature was entertaining. The best parts of the Dany chapters have nothing to do with her. Maybe I'll be lucky and have a chapter told from the POV of Strong Belwas or Barristan Selmy. Those dudes rule.
Aside from the constant repetition of phrases in the books, have any of you noticed GRRM’s odd need to continually repeat stories that have already been addressed? Like, how many characters have to have a flashback about finding the wolves in the snow? Or how many times does Sam Tarly have to remember how his father sent him off to the watch? Fer crissakes, I read this shit ten chapters ago! Seriously, fantasy authors are the worst when it comes to padding the word count.
I have more to say about ASOS, but I will save that energy for another day. Plus, I have another bone to pick.
Next up, let’s talk about MST3K. No, not the totally awesome Mystery Science Theater 3000, which, incidentally, is the same year Robert Jordan will rise from his cryogenic sleep chamber to finish GRRM’s series for him. (GRRM having long since been killed by government-organized organic salvage crews, his body fat rendered in order to provide lamp oil to resistance fighters for use during the Great War against Skynet and its terrible, terrible machines.)
No, we’re talking about Mystic Spiral Traders…3000. Okay, maybe the MST3K thing was a bit of a stretch, but hey, it’s all a journey, right? If you haven’t noticed (and I’m sure you have), Mystic Spiral Traders is one of the pages on the big man’s website (under “T Shirts”), and from what I can gather, it is some sort of business that does absolutely nothing of value. Specifically, it is a company that does not do a lot of things, but mainly, they do not make t-shirts. They are 100% committed to not producing t-shirts. Oh, they may have produced them in the past, but now, they simply make posts promising to have MST up and running sometime in the near future. Any of this sounding familiar?
Now, notwithstanding the fact that I have no fucking idea what a “mystic spiral” is supposed to be - I’m guessing it’s something like a Cinnabon, only with sprinkles - I have to keep wondering two things:
1) Are zealous t-shirt seekers expected to stare at Parris’s excuses forever?
2) Has the big guy infected Parris with some sort of STP (Sexually Transmitted Procrastination) with his lazy, yet well-fed fantasy spooge?
3) What the hell does “Many customers will be getting a partial or complete refund, or other compensation for the long delays,” mean?
The answer to question #1 is, of course, “Yes.”
The answer to question #2 is also “Yes,” immediately followed by, “and that’s totally gross.”
The answer to #3 is, clearly, “Blowjobs.” However, it also begs a new question: “Blowjobs….from whom?” Eeeeewww!!
However, in order to help out MST and get them back on track, I have developed several of my own, 100%-original Westeros t-shirt designs. These designs are to be considered royalty-free, and you, our loyal readers, may use them willy-nilly on your customized coffee mugs, mousepads, or promotional hand sanitizers. I think you will all agree that, judging by the direction of the series, these new sigils are far more accurate and relevant.
Design #1: House Stark (A Big, Beefy Winter)
Design #2: House Baratheon (Everyone Loves a Stag Party)
Design #3: House Greyjoy (Frosty Outside, Squishy Inside)
Added bonus: first reader to get a tattoo of any of these designs will get a free $5 gift card to Quizno’s Subs. (Why Quizno’s? Because George is the anti-Jared.)
Happy birthday to me. I'm getting back to work. Because that's what I do.