On the Subject of Fantasy (Part 1.75 of 2)
Seriously? Three weeks? Where the fuck have I been? I hate my job.
Well, I don't hate my job, but I hate how it takes me away from this blog. Seriously, there is no excuse for that. Well, maybe except that I need money, because I keep waiting to get laid off. In case you haven't heard, us schoolteachers aren't doing so hot in the job market.
However, I'm pleased to say that one of my largest professional hurdles has been cleared, which opens up my free time immensely. Without bothering with details, let's just say that it involved cranking out about 250 pages of writing that I am not going to be paid for. Sigh. Kill me.
But let's hope this means more frequent postings from me and Pesci, whom I spoke to today, and is progressng nicely on his ComiCon costume. In case you haven't seen the sketches, it looks something like this:
Yep, Pesci is dressing as Renly Baratheon for ComiCon. Pinch him on the cheeks (you know which ones!) if you see him.
Of course, the truly depressing thing about not being able to post on FTBG is the fact that, well, we usually don't have much to discuss, since Chubblestiltskin is whittling away his twilight years with a bottle of hand lotion by his side and a copy of Bring It On Again in his DVD player. I haven't had much time to browse the details of George's blog, but from what I can tell, it's business as usual. But here's a few things I'd like to comment on, before I get to my main duties of the day...
Okay, look at all the giant GEORGE RR MARTINs that are scattered in front of this panel. Seriously, how depressed would you be if you were one of these authors? It's like being Mr. Potato Head at the Disney breakfast, and suddenly Buzz Lightyear walks in the door. Well fuck you, Buzz Lightyear. Go eat some space chips.
Following that, what do we have? Buy a shitty RPG, one sentence about ADWD, then three hundred words about the Winter Olympics, because when I think "Olympians," I think "fantasy authors." HBO decides to make AGOT, blah blah blah.
And then...
...then...
I see this post...
...about somebody...coming...to....Chicago.
And that just might be a whole lot of fun.
I'm just going to leave that one there. But on a side note, I have been attempting to return to my long-ago post, "ON the Subject of Fantasy," and on my particular feelings regarding a variety of fantasy authors. But I've been unsure as to how to approach it. I've made lists, I've weighed pros and cons, I've touched myself in my dainty places when no one is looking. But I wanted the discussion to be interesting, be vibrant, and not one of my trademark "Here's some bullshit because I can't stop typing once I get going on this blog" sort of stuff. So how should I approach it? What mode of arrangement, what rhetorical miens, what deliberate angles of craftsmanship shall I employ?
And then it hit me. The Question. What I truly wished to involve myself in.
Which fantasy author is the hottest?
Because this is a question that does not get asked enough! Which fantasy author is the sexiest, the one you would drop your oiled sheath for? And don't get me started on men vs. women, because we all know that there aren't any female fantasy authors. They are just dudes who hide it well.
So, now and in future installments, I shall ask for your input, and much like George's little battle royale, I shall attempt to narrow down the field to the sexiest, most Pierce Brosnian authors in history. And along the way, I shall share my thoughts on their craft and general oeuvre.
Let's begin, shall we?
ROGER "Swingtown" ZELAZNY vs MICHAEL "This Joke's Too Easy" MOORCOCK
Which one Bilbo's your Baggins?
Okay, where to begin? I love Zelazny, and not just because I own The Visual Guide to Castle Amber, which I received at the impressionable age of 14 through my science fiction book club. (Note: I had so many dates. It was like handjob central in my garage.) No, I love the man because, in aaddition to wearing bolo ties in most of the photos of him I have seen, Zelazny had a very cool and unique style that I have not since found an equal to. He had some detective noir style stuff going on, and he did some grea texperimentation with narrative form and styles (particularly in Roadmarks), and the Corwin material in The Chronicles of Amber is, in general, very cool. Some people can't get on board with Zelazny, mainly because he wasn't much of a purist when it came to fantasy writing, but I think he's the kind of writer we need more of in this genre.
Then there's Moorcock. More...oh, you know where to go with that. Big Mike employs the far more traditional look of the fantasy author, with the classic beard, the neck bursting out of the collar, and the serious gaze, as if he sees into worlds beyond. He doesn't have that key-party look like Roger Dodger does, but he's a handsome chap all the same. He also, ironically, was a member of SAGA with Z-man, o they make a good matchup. But while I like Moorcock's work in a nostalgic sense, I find that I can't go back to it as easily as I can with Zelazny, or with many other authors of my youth. The Elric tales were sometimes cool, but more oftentimes a bit too heavy on the androgyny and sexual overtones for my taste. Nothing of the nipple-twisting variety that GRRM gives us, but still a bit weird. However, we all know that rock stars are sexy, and Moorcock has played with Hawkwind, which makes him a bit more awesome. Mike also allegedly is a big fan of Mervyn Peake, whom I will discuss in a later post, and that's not necessarily a good thing in my book.
However, I am here to judge these men by their finely-crafted words and even more finely-crafted good looks, so I must not digress. Stormbringer was sweet, and the idea of the eternal champion was pretty cool, but I confess that I didn't follow it very extensively outside of the Elric books, and I think I read about three or four of those.
Oddly enough, I picked two dudes who work with parallel universes and whatnot. How odd. But in the end, I need to go with RZ, mainly because I find his work to be a bit more stylistically interesting, as well as engaging. Maybe it's the fact that MM's naming systems were always so weird. Who knows?
And now, it's up to you: Zelazny vs. Moorcock: Who's sexier?
(Note: Stupid poll isn't working, so just post a comment and I will consider your vote very seriously.)
On a side note, if you haven't visited the Slynt boards, aptly titled "Is Winter Coming?" courtesy of our fine visitors and regulars, make sure you check them out. More gold for those of us who don't braid the old man's beard every time he steps out of the shower. Also, they provide a much more organized method of discussion for some of our hot-topic issues that pop up in the comment threads.
And finally... Chicago. You betcha.