Why Bran Stinks (Or, Here's the Axe, HBO)
Liotta here, glad to see Pesci finally showed up. Also, special thanks to Tower of the Hand for giving us a shout-out on their main page. And since we're in an irksome mood today, I've got something to add:
Many of you have taken issue with my argument that Bran totally stinks, that his storyline is a complete bore, and that he should be pretty much be either removed entirely from any HBO adaptation of the story, or that he should be sliced up like catfish and fed to Shaggydog. That's fair, I like discussion, even when people don't necessarily agree with me. So let’s discuss.
I can understand your arguments regarding how he is being set up for “something big,” and I could not agree more. But what “something big” is going to happen with his character? Who knows? It’s been so fricking long since we got a new book, I don’t really care anymore. And to quote Sam Jackson, that’s the double truth, Ruth.
However, let’s get down to particulars. Here is the problem with Bran from a storytelling perspective, particularly when it comes to any sort of television or film adaptation of the story: I admit, Bran serves a crucial role in the plot at the outset of the story. His witnessing of the Lannister brother-sister sensuality is what causes him to become a cripple, and what causes an assassin to get caught coming after him, which in turn, of course, results in Catelyn’s idiotic seizing of Tyrion at the inn. There is no question that Bran is key to the initial development of the main conflict of the first 2-3 books.
However, after that, he does NOTHING. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
And that is why you need him killed off. We have a character who is important in season one, and then basically useless for the next three seasons. If you don’t kill him off, and you keep to the books, you are going to be watching a TV series where the descriptors read like this:
ASOIAF EPISODE GUIDE
As imagined by Liotta
Episode 1.3: Bran is thrown out of window after catching Jaime and Cersei gettin’ busy like Viagra-injected beavers.
Episode 1.4: Bran sleeps, dreams about crows.
Episode 1.5: Bran sleeps, dreams about crows.
Episode 1.6: Bran sleeps, dreams about crows.
Episode 1.7: Bran almost wakes up, but doesn’t. Crow dreams galore.
Episode 1.8: Catelyn saves Bran from murderer. Bran sleeps through it because, you know, he’s in a coma.
Until finally, Bran wakes up in Episode 1.9, “Bran Needs a Shower.” Then, we will be treated to episodes like:
Episode 1.12: Bran dreams about wolves, whines about being crippled.
Episode 2.1: Bran almost remembers, but doesn’t. More wolf dreams.
Episode 2.3: Bran watches the Freys play in the godswood and whines.
Episode 2.4: Bran goes to a meeting.
Sounds thrilling, no? The point is, I don’t want to spend four seasons (presuming one book per season) watching a kid sit in bed and complain. God forbid he actually gets Catelyn in the room, then you’re going to be faced with scripts that read like this:
INT. - BRAN’S ROOM - DAY.
BRAN sits on the bed, clothed in a double-quilted grey doublet slashed with yellow and crimson, trousers of the finest Braavosi wool, and on his feet a pair of sleeping slippers made from supple grey leather. Around his shoulders hangs a double-knit cloak of Stark white, clasped at the throat with a triple-forged jade and silver clasp of a direwolf in a wheelchair crying. The sounds of SWORDS CLANGING echo in from outside his window.
BRAN (looking out his window): If I were down there, I could beat all of them! I would be the best knight there is!
SUMMER: Arf!
MAESTER LUWIN enters, his robe a shimmering cacophony of various hues and tones, woven of Asshai silks and interwoven with strands of gossamer spidersilk from the furthest reaches of Lannisport. It is probably slashed with something velvet. Around his neck he bears the necklace of his order, a chain made of a variety of metals such as silver, and lead, and Valyrian steel, and a whole bunch of other things that are totally important right now. On his feet, he wears supple leather sandals over darkened supple leather socks.
MAESTER: Come, young sir, we must attend the council meeting.
BRAN: I don’t want to be a councilman! I want to be a knight!
MAESTER: Yes, yes.
BRAN: I’m almost a man grown! I’m almost seven!
MAESTER: That’s fascinating.
CATELYN enters. For today’s weepfest, she had chosen a simple gown of gray silk, slashed with velvet doublets that hung off her body like deflated auroch stomachs. On her face is a supple leather muzzle.
CATELYN: Mmmmm! Mmmm!
MAESTER (removing her muzzle): I’m sorry?
CATELYN: My son looks so much like his father! (to herself) But how much did he learn from you, Ned? How much?
BRAN: If I were a knight, I would look even more like father!
CATELYN: You certainly would, Bran. (to herself) Or would you, Bran? Gods be good, would you?
MAESTER: This conversation seems counterproductive.
CATELYN: Counterproductive?! (to herself) Counterproductive?!
MAESTER: The boy is dead weight. He’s like a sackful of beans from the waist down.
BRAN (crying): I am almost a man grown! I will be a knight! I will! (He collapses, falling into a deep sleep, his dreams little more than a lost episode of “Manimal”)
MAESTER: Nope. Not a chance. Now put on your supple leather pants and let’s get Hodor up here to drag you downstairs.
CATELYN: Don’t you talk to my son that way, old man! He is a Stark! (to herself) A Stark, indeed. And yet…a Tully, as well.
MAESTER: Don’t you have somewhere to be?
CATELYN begins to cry uncontrollably. BRAN suddenly sits up, his eyes still closed.
BRAN: I don’t want to fly! I want to be a knight! Wahhhhhh!!!!
MAESTER: Oh, fer crissakes, now he’s whining in his sleep.
Suddenly, RICKON is thrown through the window, his body wrapped in a velvet pair of boxer shorts slashed with supple leather and Valyrian steel chains.
RICKON: Yayyyyy!!! Lookit me! I’m a knight! Yayyyyy!
BRAN (still sleeping): WAHHHHHHH!!!!
CATELYN (on the floor): WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
HODOR (running in): Hodoooorrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
(MAESTER LUWIN pulls out a fine dagger, made of Valyrian steel.)
RICKON: Nothing holds an edge like Valyrian steel! Yayyyy!!!
MAESTER (mumbling): I hate all you fucking people.
(He slits his wrists, and dies.)
On second thought, that might not be a bad episode. However, also consider this fact, as discussed between myself and Mr. Pesci: It seems fairly clear that Bran is moving towards being able to overtake the minds/actions of animals, as well as Hodor. Now, while this could build up to an awesome Master-Blaster type relationship in book 5 or 6, whereupon Bran and Hodor create the ultimate knight and are able to take on the undead Gregor Clegane, this also begs the question: How unbelievably offensive is it that Hodor is being treated like an animal?
Bran and Hodor?
I mean, think about it. This character, who suffers from some form of mental handicap (or whatever your preferred terminology is), is basically equal to a bird or a wolf. “Oh no, take over my brain! I don’t mind! I’m not using it anyway!” Apparently, if someone isn’t up to the intellectual standards of the Stark family, they just get to become the plaything of the children. Bran and his pet Hodor. Classy, George. Real classy.
Many of you have taken issue with my argument that Bran totally stinks, that his storyline is a complete bore, and that he should be pretty much be either removed entirely from any HBO adaptation of the story, or that he should be sliced up like catfish and fed to Shaggydog. That's fair, I like discussion, even when people don't necessarily agree with me. So let’s discuss.
I can understand your arguments regarding how he is being set up for “something big,” and I could not agree more. But what “something big” is going to happen with his character? Who knows? It’s been so fricking long since we got a new book, I don’t really care anymore. And to quote Sam Jackson, that’s the double truth, Ruth.
However, let’s get down to particulars. Here is the problem with Bran from a storytelling perspective, particularly when it comes to any sort of television or film adaptation of the story: I admit, Bran serves a crucial role in the plot at the outset of the story. His witnessing of the Lannister brother-sister sensuality is what causes him to become a cripple, and what causes an assassin to get caught coming after him, which in turn, of course, results in Catelyn’s idiotic seizing of Tyrion at the inn. There is no question that Bran is key to the initial development of the main conflict of the first 2-3 books.
However, after that, he does NOTHING. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
And that is why you need him killed off. We have a character who is important in season one, and then basically useless for the next three seasons. If you don’t kill him off, and you keep to the books, you are going to be watching a TV series where the descriptors read like this:
ASOIAF EPISODE GUIDE
As imagined by Liotta
Episode 1.3: Bran is thrown out of window after catching Jaime and Cersei gettin’ busy like Viagra-injected beavers.
Episode 1.4: Bran sleeps, dreams about crows.
Episode 1.5: Bran sleeps, dreams about crows.
Episode 1.6: Bran sleeps, dreams about crows.
Episode 1.7: Bran almost wakes up, but doesn’t. Crow dreams galore.
Episode 1.8: Catelyn saves Bran from murderer. Bran sleeps through it because, you know, he’s in a coma.
Until finally, Bran wakes up in Episode 1.9, “Bran Needs a Shower.” Then, we will be treated to episodes like:
Episode 1.12: Bran dreams about wolves, whines about being crippled.
Episode 2.1: Bran almost remembers, but doesn’t. More wolf dreams.
Episode 2.3: Bran watches the Freys play in the godswood and whines.
Episode 2.4: Bran goes to a meeting.
Sounds thrilling, no? The point is, I don’t want to spend four seasons (presuming one book per season) watching a kid sit in bed and complain. God forbid he actually gets Catelyn in the room, then you’re going to be faced with scripts that read like this:
INT. - BRAN’S ROOM - DAY.
BRAN sits on the bed, clothed in a double-quilted grey doublet slashed with yellow and crimson, trousers of the finest Braavosi wool, and on his feet a pair of sleeping slippers made from supple grey leather. Around his shoulders hangs a double-knit cloak of Stark white, clasped at the throat with a triple-forged jade and silver clasp of a direwolf in a wheelchair crying. The sounds of SWORDS CLANGING echo in from outside his window.
BRAN (looking out his window): If I were down there, I could beat all of them! I would be the best knight there is!
SUMMER: Arf!
MAESTER LUWIN enters, his robe a shimmering cacophony of various hues and tones, woven of Asshai silks and interwoven with strands of gossamer spidersilk from the furthest reaches of Lannisport. It is probably slashed with something velvet. Around his neck he bears the necklace of his order, a chain made of a variety of metals such as silver, and lead, and Valyrian steel, and a whole bunch of other things that are totally important right now. On his feet, he wears supple leather sandals over darkened supple leather socks.
MAESTER: Come, young sir, we must attend the council meeting.
BRAN: I don’t want to be a councilman! I want to be a knight!
MAESTER: Yes, yes.
BRAN: I’m almost a man grown! I’m almost seven!
MAESTER: That’s fascinating.
CATELYN enters. For today’s weepfest, she had chosen a simple gown of gray silk, slashed with velvet doublets that hung off her body like deflated auroch stomachs. On her face is a supple leather muzzle.
CATELYN: Mmmmm! Mmmm!
MAESTER (removing her muzzle): I’m sorry?
CATELYN: My son looks so much like his father! (to herself) But how much did he learn from you, Ned? How much?
BRAN: If I were a knight, I would look even more like father!
CATELYN: You certainly would, Bran. (to herself) Or would you, Bran? Gods be good, would you?
MAESTER: This conversation seems counterproductive.
CATELYN: Counterproductive?! (to herself) Counterproductive?!
MAESTER: The boy is dead weight. He’s like a sackful of beans from the waist down.
BRAN (crying): I am almost a man grown! I will be a knight! I will! (He collapses, falling into a deep sleep, his dreams little more than a lost episode of “Manimal”)
MAESTER: Nope. Not a chance. Now put on your supple leather pants and let’s get Hodor up here to drag you downstairs.
CATELYN: Don’t you talk to my son that way, old man! He is a Stark! (to herself) A Stark, indeed. And yet…a Tully, as well.
MAESTER: Don’t you have somewhere to be?
CATELYN begins to cry uncontrollably. BRAN suddenly sits up, his eyes still closed.
BRAN: I don’t want to fly! I want to be a knight! Wahhhhhh!!!!
MAESTER: Oh, fer crissakes, now he’s whining in his sleep.
Suddenly, RICKON is thrown through the window, his body wrapped in a velvet pair of boxer shorts slashed with supple leather and Valyrian steel chains.
RICKON: Yayyyyy!!! Lookit me! I’m a knight! Yayyyyy!
BRAN (still sleeping): WAHHHHHHH!!!!
CATELYN (on the floor): WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
HODOR (running in): Hodoooorrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
(MAESTER LUWIN pulls out a fine dagger, made of Valyrian steel.)
RICKON: Nothing holds an edge like Valyrian steel! Yayyyy!!!
MAESTER (mumbling): I hate all you fucking people.
(He slits his wrists, and dies.)
On second thought, that might not be a bad episode. However, also consider this fact, as discussed between myself and Mr. Pesci: It seems fairly clear that Bran is moving towards being able to overtake the minds/actions of animals, as well as Hodor. Now, while this could build up to an awesome Master-Blaster type relationship in book 5 or 6, whereupon Bran and Hodor create the ultimate knight and are able to take on the undead Gregor Clegane, this also begs the question: How unbelievably offensive is it that Hodor is being treated like an animal?
Bran and Hodor?
I mean, think about it. This character, who suffers from some form of mental handicap (or whatever your preferred terminology is), is basically equal to a bird or a wolf. “Oh no, take over my brain! I don’t mind! I’m not using it anyway!” Apparently, if someone isn’t up to the intellectual standards of the Stark family, they just get to become the plaything of the children. Bran and his pet Hodor. Classy, George. Real classy.