Love in the strangest places
I am becoming friends with a woman from work. We are working on a few different projects together and we are becoming fast friends as we were born only 15 days apart, work with a lot of dudes, and have a smart wit and a lot of drive. We talk about our work aspirations and a bit about our lives. I've mentioned a bit of my super shitty dating history. This morning she sent over this: markmanson.net/love - "Love is Not Enough"
The article is about how love isn't just about attraction, it's also about being realistic about the traits of the person who you believe you want to be your partner. A few of the nuggets:
Three harsh truths about love
Nothing too groundbreaking, yet it makes me wonder if love is worthwhile at all? If i's compatibility that we're really seeking out, can that just be a friendship? Indeed, the next thing in the article talks about the friendship test - would you tolerate the bad behavior of your partner if it were your best friend? Of course here's the variables of who your best friends are and how you are in their world. But love shouldn't be a 'get-out-of-jail-free' pass to behave poorly. I definitely can see that I stuck with things far longer than I should have because of what they represented. With friends, we tend to think there will be others who can fill that void. We drift apart without too much angst.
I think back of dating K and HR and wonder, what was I thinking? Well - there were a few things in play and none of them were fair to that other person, I think. One was - wow, this person likes me? It helped my self-esteem to feel attractive regardless of who they were. Another was trying not to be so judgmental - they surely had value as people and I wanted to see and experience that. And I got some of that, but to do it in the context of a romantic relationship was really a waste of time. And who knows - how much was like it was with P, where I felt like I knew it wouldn't pan out and so it was "safe", I was prepared to let it fail. it was dating but without the true belief it would go anywhere. was in like that with S? I'm not sure. I think we could have gone somewhere. What would have changed it? Probably just our natural approach to getting up and doing things? Not sure - others weather that. Or her wanting to do those things together.. and just how full I want my life to be? I just think there was a lot - values to some extent. Who knows, I can get bored of most things so perhaps I just realized I wasnt getting much new out of the relationship. That sounds bad and perhaps that's on me to be more easy-going about.
Yet with love there is this weird fear that we will never ever find anything so special again. And we do, don't we? It may take a period of time but the scars fade and we meet someone new who better fits who we are at that point. And it's all fine.
At least, I feel that way. And more and more I'm not truly even looking. I like not compromising.
The article is about how love isn't just about attraction, it's also about being realistic about the traits of the person who you believe you want to be your partner. A few of the nuggets:
Three harsh truths about love
- Love does not equal compatibility.
Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well. - 2. Love does not solve your relationship problems.
- Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself.
Nothing too groundbreaking, yet it makes me wonder if love is worthwhile at all? If i's compatibility that we're really seeking out, can that just be a friendship? Indeed, the next thing in the article talks about the friendship test - would you tolerate the bad behavior of your partner if it were your best friend? Of course here's the variables of who your best friends are and how you are in their world. But love shouldn't be a 'get-out-of-jail-free' pass to behave poorly. I definitely can see that I stuck with things far longer than I should have because of what they represented. With friends, we tend to think there will be others who can fill that void. We drift apart without too much angst.
I think back of dating K and HR and wonder, what was I thinking? Well - there were a few things in play and none of them were fair to that other person, I think. One was - wow, this person likes me? It helped my self-esteem to feel attractive regardless of who they were. Another was trying not to be so judgmental - they surely had value as people and I wanted to see and experience that. And I got some of that, but to do it in the context of a romantic relationship was really a waste of time. And who knows - how much was like it was with P, where I felt like I knew it wouldn't pan out and so it was "safe", I was prepared to let it fail. it was dating but without the true belief it would go anywhere. was in like that with S? I'm not sure. I think we could have gone somewhere. What would have changed it? Probably just our natural approach to getting up and doing things? Not sure - others weather that. Or her wanting to do those things together.. and just how full I want my life to be? I just think there was a lot - values to some extent. Who knows, I can get bored of most things so perhaps I just realized I wasnt getting much new out of the relationship. That sounds bad and perhaps that's on me to be more easy-going about.
Yet with love there is this weird fear that we will never ever find anything so special again. And we do, don't we? It may take a period of time but the scars fade and we meet someone new who better fits who we are at that point. And it's all fine.
At least, I feel that way. And more and more I'm not truly even looking. I like not compromising.