The Gift
Well Merry Christmas to you too!
I was anxious about the party - we haven't spoken much, but I saw you were RSVPing with a guest. Many of my friends weren't coming, and I was dreading being there with you and him (I assume it's a him). But I made the best of it, and applied the energy I'd generally spend being anxious about a social event shopping. New dress, boots, hair and makeup. I was actually looking FORWARD to the party!
I showed up feeling confident and great. I smiled and socialized and had a good time. Then you showed up, and it felt ok. I noticed you made your way around the room in the opposite direction, but it barely seemed like he was with you. Was I noticing too much?
Eventually you approached me and that easy teasing way we communicate was there. It's been a long time since we did anything beyond run together in a group, but there wasn't any sort of space in which we assessed how to be. I wanted to know how things went with your ex, because I'd be so happy if you'd found happiness with another girl. Honestly, I would. You told me it hadn't gone well, but you knew what you wanted, and it wasn't guys. Was it then you first slipped your arm around me and kissed my cheek? Wine makes for good stories, but it's hard to retell them later. The details are murky, as if you're still looking through that glass of opaque liquid.
The tiniest bit of attention you showed me spurred me on. This wasn't the stressful party I'd been anticipating. Sure, you were drunk but maybe I didn't care. I was getting attention. At one point (as I was talking to YOUR date), you motioned for me to come sit with you (actually, wasn't it an invite to come jump on you or crawl on you? How did that even come up???). I told you you had to make the move, so you did. You sat on my lap and leaned in for all to see. Maybe just because you were drunk and being silly, but I liked it. Later when everyone was outside you took me by the hand to come inside - turning to kiss me in the midst of our friends. Someone (even then I didn't recognize the voice) noticed and commented. We went inside and kissed and you asked me for another chance. I wasn't so drunk enough to really think that was a good idea, and I DO recall now that even in your "explanation" of what had happened, there's a detail that still doesn't fit. You lie, my dear. That's one thing I know about you.
Still later we continued to be goofy girls, arguing over who was taller (and encouraging the whole party to determine) and then we had a pushup contest that I TOTALLY won. We were two peas in a pod, my favorite part of being with a woman.
At one point I saw your date try to hold your hand, and you stopped him. Still later he did kiss you in the kitchen - yes, I saw - but I almost laughed because it was so not the kiss you and I had shared.
Then it was time to go - you with your ride, I with mine. I wanted to see more of you, but as soon as the door shut at the party, so too did our communication. No more texts - as it has been for weeks.
I woke up today thinking of you - even as I know I shouldn't. I can't. I have to revel in the fact I had a fun party and felt attractive and desired, but that doesn't have to lead to anything more. It shouldn't, and it won't.
I thought it was funny today that our mutual friends told me that a new guy ran with y'all this morning and you two got along well and made plans. And that he was attractive and really nice. I still don't know if they know about us - whatever US is or has been. Was it a random coincidence, or are they trying to help protect my heart without disparaging you? I do adore that the universe once again puts up a huge sign directly in front of my eyes that you are not someone worthy of my heart and time and attention. or curiosity. Definitely not that.
That's probably the biggest one, really. I'm curious about motivation, and you are a total enigma. But I am pretty sure I can't figure you out. And I really need to learn to be okay with that.
But, I do thank you for the gift of attention and attraction. I didn't even need to bust out the mistletoe.
I was anxious about the party - we haven't spoken much, but I saw you were RSVPing with a guest. Many of my friends weren't coming, and I was dreading being there with you and him (I assume it's a him). But I made the best of it, and applied the energy I'd generally spend being anxious about a social event shopping. New dress, boots, hair and makeup. I was actually looking FORWARD to the party!
I showed up feeling confident and great. I smiled and socialized and had a good time. Then you showed up, and it felt ok. I noticed you made your way around the room in the opposite direction, but it barely seemed like he was with you. Was I noticing too much?
Eventually you approached me and that easy teasing way we communicate was there. It's been a long time since we did anything beyond run together in a group, but there wasn't any sort of space in which we assessed how to be. I wanted to know how things went with your ex, because I'd be so happy if you'd found happiness with another girl. Honestly, I would. You told me it hadn't gone well, but you knew what you wanted, and it wasn't guys. Was it then you first slipped your arm around me and kissed my cheek? Wine makes for good stories, but it's hard to retell them later. The details are murky, as if you're still looking through that glass of opaque liquid.
The tiniest bit of attention you showed me spurred me on. This wasn't the stressful party I'd been anticipating. Sure, you were drunk but maybe I didn't care. I was getting attention. At one point (as I was talking to YOUR date), you motioned for me to come sit with you (actually, wasn't it an invite to come jump on you or crawl on you? How did that even come up???). I told you you had to make the move, so you did. You sat on my lap and leaned in for all to see. Maybe just because you were drunk and being silly, but I liked it. Later when everyone was outside you took me by the hand to come inside - turning to kiss me in the midst of our friends. Someone (even then I didn't recognize the voice) noticed and commented. We went inside and kissed and you asked me for another chance. I wasn't so drunk enough to really think that was a good idea, and I DO recall now that even in your "explanation" of what had happened, there's a detail that still doesn't fit. You lie, my dear. That's one thing I know about you.
Still later we continued to be goofy girls, arguing over who was taller (and encouraging the whole party to determine) and then we had a pushup contest that I TOTALLY won. We were two peas in a pod, my favorite part of being with a woman.
At one point I saw your date try to hold your hand, and you stopped him. Still later he did kiss you in the kitchen - yes, I saw - but I almost laughed because it was so not the kiss you and I had shared.
Then it was time to go - you with your ride, I with mine. I wanted to see more of you, but as soon as the door shut at the party, so too did our communication. No more texts - as it has been for weeks.
I woke up today thinking of you - even as I know I shouldn't. I can't. I have to revel in the fact I had a fun party and felt attractive and desired, but that doesn't have to lead to anything more. It shouldn't, and it won't.
I thought it was funny today that our mutual friends told me that a new guy ran with y'all this morning and you two got along well and made plans. And that he was attractive and really nice. I still don't know if they know about us - whatever US is or has been. Was it a random coincidence, or are they trying to help protect my heart without disparaging you? I do adore that the universe once again puts up a huge sign directly in front of my eyes that you are not someone worthy of my heart and time and attention. or curiosity. Definitely not that.
That's probably the biggest one, really. I'm curious about motivation, and you are a total enigma. But I am pretty sure I can't figure you out. And I really need to learn to be okay with that.
But, I do thank you for the gift of attention and attraction. I didn't even need to bust out the mistletoe.