I don't want it back
I havent' written in years, and that saddened me. But recently I found myself stirring inside, wanting to try to tap into that place.
Well fuck. That is a dark scary place and I should be thankful its been closed up for so long.
Is it worse now, having been closed up for so long? The mold and mildew of neglect choking me as I seek a escape from the place I wanted to be back in?
It is different, I know that. But not as I'd have expected. The familar ornaments (the looking glass) have changed, and I cannot hold onto even those symbols that helped me make sense of the space.
It started in my head yesterday, I realized it. I thought I made it through, but no, there was a sliver of a crack and last night it burst open. The nightmare was upon me. The same story again and again, to the point I wonder why my life is this endless loop.
I shook all night, willing my heart to slow.
I look now objectively at what caused the burst, and it's not what I thought it was. My head betrayed me, made up a story I was so sure was there. I hate the lies in my head. I am so scared of how I cant trust myself. How can others trust me? How can I trust others? How can I stop shaking?
Well fuck. That is a dark scary place and I should be thankful its been closed up for so long.
Is it worse now, having been closed up for so long? The mold and mildew of neglect choking me as I seek a escape from the place I wanted to be back in?
It is different, I know that. But not as I'd have expected. The familar ornaments (the looking glass) have changed, and I cannot hold onto even those symbols that helped me make sense of the space.
It started in my head yesterday, I realized it. I thought I made it through, but no, there was a sliver of a crack and last night it burst open. The nightmare was upon me. The same story again and again, to the point I wonder why my life is this endless loop.
I shook all night, willing my heart to slow.
I look now objectively at what caused the burst, and it's not what I thought it was. My head betrayed me, made up a story I was so sure was there. I hate the lies in my head. I am so scared of how I cant trust myself. How can others trust me? How can I trust others? How can I stop shaking?