Eternal Jailbait.
Title: Eternal Jailbait.
Author: Grr-chan (that's me).
Main Characters/Pairing: Yabu, Yamada, Hikaru, Yuuto (YabuHika, Yamajima).
Rating: PG-13 for casual swearing.
Genre: Crack
Warnings: Contains mindfuckery. Ridiculously long sentences. And too many asterisks.
Summary: Yabu-flavoured crack.
A/N: ...a little bit fail? Oh, and obviously, I own nothing apart from the (lack of) plot.
Minnasan, comment o kudasai! Onegaishimasu!
Hikaru is quietly enjoying a game of tetris when Yabu appears in the doorway, all pouts and puffed out cheeks. All to familiar with the warning signs of an approaching tantrum, the blonde* is just about to duck for cover when his cute-but-dangerous groupmate stalks past him, heading towards the only other occupied chair in the room, where two 7 members are curled up in a tangle of limbs and hormones.
Apparently a huffy Yabu isn't enough to distract Yamada from the wonders of Yuuto's crotch, and the scowl deepens on the leader's face as he stamps his feet with impatience. From his vantage point on the couch, Hikaru can almost see the countdown.
[Commencing bitchfit in 3, 2, 1...]
"YAMADA RYOSUKE."
Even Yamada can't ignore that about-to-smack-a-bitch tone, causing Yuuto to growl quietly in Yabu's direction. But he shuts up and shrinks back pretty quick with at the look it earns him. Yamada, however, is unfazed. He's become so used to the BEST member's monthly moodswings that he wouldn't be surprised to learn the elder had a pair of ovaries stashed somewhere.
"You called?"
Hikaru winces. When Yabu was on his man-period, one of the things that set him off the worst was an insolent tone.
"What, exactly, is the meaning of this?!" Yabu whips out a scrapbook from no where, flicking through the pages with artistic flare before throwing it down. It lands open, showcasing a collage composed exclusively of various shots of Yamada. It's mostly topless photoshoot rejects, with a few Yamada doesn't recognise- him sleeping (topless), just out of the shower (naked from the waist up), and a couple taken whilst he's getting changed. Clearly Yuuto has been practicing his photography on the sly.
The aforementioned Nakajima turns a brilliant shade of red, possibly squeaking something along the lines of "that's mine" (but Hikaru can't be sure, he's not fluent in mouse) whilst Yamada is unruffled, simply raising an eyebrow in his defence.
"What is THIS!?" Yabu repeats, creating a hundred shimmying Yamada's with a well aimed kick. "This is obscene! This is an outrage!! THIS IS PRACTICALLY PORNOGRAPHY!!"
Now it's not only Yamada who is confused. Hikaru bites his lip to keep from pointing out that everybody knows that topless photoshoots are part and parcel with being an idol- without the occasional fanservice, they'd probably end up being stripped in the street. Also, if Yabu wants to rant about porn he really should go have a rummage in Inoo and Takaki's bedrooms... Hikaru is so busy trying to make sense of Yabu's rage that it's a good five miuntes before he realises he's spaced out and missed half the drama.
By the time he rejoins reality, it seems that Yamada is on the brink of loosing his cool.
"...and it's not my fault Yuuto hoards them for his wank bank! IT'S JUST WORK! You don't freak out everytime Hikaru takes his top off in front a camera lense!" (Actually, he did. But Yamada wasn't to know that, as it only happened once they were safely behind a locked door.)
Yabu crosses his arms, defiant in the face of reason. "That's different. Hikaru isn't jailbait."
Now, Hikaru isn't the shiniest spanner in the shed, and it's true that he wasn't jailbait. But even he knew Yamada had been legal for a while now. "Kou-chan? Daijoubu desu ka?"
"I'm perfectly fine," Yabu gave him his best, if you distract me now I'm not putting out all week scowl "Don't change the topic."
...
Finally, with the pressures of being a top idol with a fuckzillion screaming fangirls and a hectic schedule had cracked the minghty Yabu. Yamada's rage disappeared, replaced with worry and concern for his friend.
"Do you want to sit down and I'll go make some tea?"
"No! I'm fine! And you're too young to use the kettle!"
[Yuuto's overactive imagination launched into a full scale premonition of visiting an elderly Yabu in a retirement home for Johnny's, shrivelled and growly, cursing anything glittery and screeching at juniors to get off his lawn].
Yamada resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
"Seriously. I'm over 18 now, that makes me legal."
But Yabu was having none of it, stubbornly shaking his head.
"I was born in 1993, now it's 2012..."
"Like age matters!" Hikaru was now seriously considering leaving the room, his mind really couldn't keep up with this. Yabu continued, using mad hand gestures to emphasise the importance of his words.
"You, Yamada Ryosuke, are eternal jailbait. This is your role in life. Time is just an abstract concept. This is what we need you to be! If we don't have at least one forbidden member, our popularity will drop! Don't you realised half the support for this industry is made up of crazed pedonoonas?** Without one slice of jailbait, the whole Hey! Say! JUMP pizza is WORTHLESS!!!"
And so Yabu went on, for a good ten minutes, in full rant mode. Hikaru's mind was blown, and Yuuto was too busy trying to decide how he could fake his own death to avoid having to visit Grandpa Yabu. Yamada, on the other hand, was fully prepared to argue with this mindfuckery. He just needed to wait until Yabu ran out of oxygen and paused for breath.
"Ok, eternal jailbait. I can understand. But why me? Why not Chinen?"
Yabu looked at him like he'd sprouted a pair of breasts (not a compliment, as he claimed to be allergic).
"Of course it can't be Chi-chan. He stopped being jailbait when he couldn't reach the top notes of Ultra Music Power."
"BUT HE'S LIKE THREE FEET TALL!"
"Don't be sizeist. I know you're young, but there's no need for that kind of immaturity." Convinced of his flawless logic, Yabu leaves with a satisfied smile. (Hikaru would've followed him, but he's currently too busy trying to piece together his blown mind.)
....
Seeing Yamada is at loss for words, Yuuto takes it upon himself to cheer him up. But he's hardly got his hand down his pants before Yabu drops down from the ceiling, ninja style, and whisks him out of reach.
"Don't molest the jailbait!!"
~owari~
* In my head, Hikaru forever has his ikemen desu ne hair, because no one rocks the blonde like he can.
** Sumimasen minnasan, I don't know the Japanese equivalent :/ if someone could enlighten me I'd be eternally grateful.