I sighed and leaned back in the computer chair, rubbing my eyes for what has to be the billionth freakin' time in the last day. I still haven't gotten around to talking to Julia yet, but I haven't really decided on what to say. I know Carly's talked to her, otherwise she wouldn't be so obviously staying out of my way.
That's not what I wanted. I just didn't want to answer questions for a little while. But I can't have it both ways, so I've stuck by it until I know what to say.
so awesome dude: When we go, do you think it's gonna be weird?
Oh come on, I avoid questions I don't know how to answer, and I get them anyway? Leave it to Madsen. Christ.
I called Arianna yesterday and wound up telling her everything since Carly wasn't there. I think I can trust her to keep quiet about it, since she doesn't like talking about stuff that upsets her. Repeating it makes it as bad for her as it would for me. I get it.
Which was why I wasn't going to tell her everything, but she kept asking, and eventually I just got sick of trying to stick to as few details as possible, and it all spilled out. She got quiet after that, and I apologized for it ten or fifteen times before we got off the phone.
After that, I was even less interested in talking to Julia about it. After a few hours of that, I just felt like a jackass all the way around. The usual.
i am sammy: I have no idea. We'll have to wait until we get there. Anyone else we know going?
I felt someone start climbing up into my lap, and jumped a little, looking down. Jules. And now I'm being hugged. I smiled a little and held her, kissing her forehead. "Hey."
"I love you Daddy."
"I love you too."
so awesome dude: I don't know. Nick and Johnny totally have no clue either. We're gonna have to see on that one too. Johnny called Gina to let her know the deal, but with Miles, she can't make it. Plus she's all post pregnant messed up and stuff.
There's my best friend. Full of tact and poise and I wish I felt better enough to smile at that. "Want me to tell Uncle Madsen you say hi?" I started typing anyway, already knowing what the answer was going to be.
i am sammy: Seeing people we know, if they manage to show, might actually make it easier. I think. I wouldn't worry about it. Jules is here, and I haven't talked to her yet, so I have to go. She says hi, by the way.
so awesome dude: Cool. Tell her I say hi too. And Junior. See you tomorrow, Sammy.
i am sammy: See you tomorrow. Don't drink. Later.
If he gets drunk, he's going to sleep in and make us late for the flight, and there's no way in hell we're missing it. I can trust him for the most part, but saying it makes me feel better. I just know him way too well not to.
I signed offline and shut off the monitor to cover the e-mail from Johnny I'd been reading before Madsen IMed me. I didn't get too far in to know if there was anything Julia shouldn't be seeing or not.
And I do still have to watch. Him being a Dad now too aside, it's still Johnny, and his daughter's still young enough for him not to worry about her walking in while he's reading his e-mail.
I don't care that much, I just keep an eye on it.
Now, back to my daughter. Who, I should probably get talking to over with before I leave. I don't like the idea of never telling her why I'm going.
Daddy isn't acting mad. That's good. I don't want him to be mad at me. He's already sad. Getting him mad too would make me sad, and Mommy wouldn't like it. And I'm not supposed to do stuff that Mommy doesn't like, because Mommy is tired because she has to take care of my little sister.
Mommy and Daddy told us that her name is Lorelai. I like her name, but I don't want to call her that yet. She's not even here yet.
She shouldn't have a name until she's here. We don't know if she looks like a Lorelai yet.
What if she looks like a something else?
"Want me to tell Uncle Madsen you say hi?"
"Yes, please."
I hope Uncle Madsen and Uncle Johnny aren't sad like Daddy is. Uncle Johnny has little Rachel now, but she can't give him hugs or tell him that she loves him like I can tell Daddy, she's just a baby. They can't do a lot of stuff when they're little.
Junior can do stuff. He's little, but not as little as he was before. He can talk when he wants to, and play with toys, and give hugs and kisses. He's a lot more fun now than he was when he was crying all the time. I like him.
But now we're going to have a sister, and she's going to cry all the time, and not do much, just like Rachel.
I hope she's not born for a while.
I like Mommy being home with me and Junior. Its nice. We get to go to the park a lot more. And shopping. And sometimes we get to go out for special lunches.
Mommy won't have time for that when our little sister gets here. So she doesn't have to come soon.
We're having fun just like this...when Daddy isn't sad.
Me and Mommy and Junior aren't happy when Daddy isn't happy. We can't be, we love him. It would be mean to be happy when someone you love is sad.
...Why is Daddy turning the computer off? If he's all busy, I can go back in my room and play with my dolls some more.
"So, what's up?"
"Nothing really."
Maybe I shoulda stayed in my room.
"I was in my room playing with Alice and Melinda, and I wanted to give you a hug."
So I came in here. But I think I should go back in my room if he's not doing something he's supposed to.
Its just really hard to be good sometimes, no matter what Mommy says.
"Nothing?" Oh, come on. I know better than that. That's like Carly trying to tell me nothing's going on when something obviously is. But she doesn't look like she torched anything, so I'm not worried about trying to get the real reason out of her.
I'm pretty sure I already know what it is. And I'm definitely sure that I'm going to have the talk no matter what, and now would probably be a good time to get it done, before I worry her anymore than I already have.
"I was in my room playing with Alice and Melinda, and I wanted to give you a hug."
Yeah. She's trying. A lot. I need to get this done.
I wish I felt more up to it, but I know I'm never going to completely feel up to it, and I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Probably before she wakes up, unless she winds up getting up earlier than she usually does. Nick put us all on an early flight.
I don't get why, but I didn't bother asking. I'm guessing it's because he wants to see us, since it's not like he has anybody else to go to right now.
Which, once again, makes me feel like an asshole. I need to freakin' stop guilt tripping myself. At least for a day. Otherwise this week's just going to be hell.
"Well that's good, actually," I have to say something to make her stop looking as guilty for coming in here as I feel. "You've got good timing, I was just thinking about needing a hug."
I hugged her again, and gave her another kiss, then leaned back in my chair with her still in my lap. Okay, how the hell am I going to start this?
Might as well keep it simple.
"Do you remember Uncle Ryan? You met him a little while ago." Like a couple of years ago, so this might be pushing it, but if she remembers him at least a little then it's good. "He's my friend, and all your uncles' friend."
Really, it gets to be hell just listing all of us off.
"He..." I sighed, and took a second to look away from her while I tried to think, and then made sure I looked right back at her again when I talked. "He died. He made some really bad friends, who got him to do bad things, and he died because of it."
That wasn't too much, was it? I don't even know how to tell one way or the other.
"And me, and Uncle Madsen, and Uncle Johnny, and Uncle Nick, we're all going to his funeral in his hometown. It's in Lousiana. But it's just for a few days, and then I'm going to be home. Sort of like a work trip, but just not for work."
I think that wasn't too much.
I'll wait on the questions to find out. And see if I can answer any of those.
I doubt I'll be able to answer much, but we'll see.
"Well that's good, actually. You've got good timing, I was just thinking about needing a hug."
That makes it okay that I came in here. Mommy doesn't want me to bug Daddy, but if I'm being a big help the way she said I could be, then nobody is going to get mad at me. All I did was give Daddy a hug. He likes those. He says he needed it too.
I'm glad I came in to see him. He's still acting sad, but now he's sad and getting hugs. Its more better to be sad and getting hugs than to be sad and not getting hugs. And I know that Mommy gives him hugs too, I saw her do it when I was playing in the living room. Maybe if we both do it, and Junior is nice too, then Daddy will stop being so sad.
"Do you remember Uncle Ryan? You met him a little while ago. He's my friend, and all your uncles' friend."
"Yeah." He went to school with Mommy and Daddy, and Uncle Madsen, and Uncle Johnny, and Aunt Noelle, and Aunt Gina, and Uncle Nick...lots of my aunts and uncles went to school together. "He was nice when he came to see us."
Is that why Daddy's sad? Is Uncle Ryan not going to come see us anymore? Did Uncle Ryan make Daddy sad?
"He..."
Uh oh, I think he did.
"He died. He made some really bad friends, who got him to do bad things, and he died because of it."
He made bad friends? But he was friends with Daddy and my uncles. He had good friends. He shouldn't have made bad friends. He shouldn't have died either. Poor Uncle Ryan. I liked him a lot.
Daddy liked him a lot too. He was happy when Uncle Ryan was here. And Mommy was okay. I don't think they were very good friends, but they were nice to each other. We were all nice to each other.
I guess Daddy can't help but be sad. He knows how nice Uncle Ryan was. I bet he's going to miss him, too. I think I will. I didn't know a lot about him, but that's not a big deal. He was still my Uncle.
"And me, and Uncle Madsen, and Uncle Johnny, and Uncle Nick, we're all going to his funeral in his hometown. It's in Lousiana. But it's just for a few days, and then I'm going to be home. Sort of like a work trip, but just not for work."
"What's a funeral?"
I've heard that word before, but I don't know what it means. I know what Lousiana is though, its a state like California, but far away. So Daddy is going far away for this funeral thing, without Mommy or me or Junior. Its good that Uncle Madsen and Uncle Johnny and Uncle Nick are going with him, or I think he'd get really lonely.
I don't like this. I think Daddy and my uncles are going to get lonely anyway, and they're gonna be sad too.
Shit. I completely forgot she doesn't even know what one of those is. Okay, that's a question I can answer without having to think too much about what I'm saying.
She seems to get the rest of it for now, though. Maybe I don't have as much to worry about as I thought with her.
That's a nice switch from how things usually are, which helps right now.
"A funeral's when someone dies, and people get together because they're sad the person died." I gave her another hug, and sighed, sort of thinking how it's probably early to be talking about this kind of thing. But I can't not tell her, right?
Start it, finish it. I think. I wonder how far Carly would want me to go with this.
"And then they say nice things about the person who died. They have them in different places, but this one's going to be at Uncle Ryan's house." Skip the different funerals for different religions thing, or I'm going to be here all day. I'm too tired for it.
"People dress up sometimes," I'm going to have to get a black suit before I leave. Damn it. "And there's food afterwards."
I don't think she's getting it. "Basically, it's this thing that's been around for a long time, where you get to say goodbye to the person who died. And it's important that I go, and that your uncles go, because we were all friends, and we didn't get to say goodbye to him yet."
I think that makes sense.
"Plus, we want to be there for Uncle Ryan's parents, and Uncle Ryan's other family," Who're all really interesting people that I haven't seen in years. "Because they're sad that he died too, and it helps having people with you when you're sad."
I may have completely screwed that up. Maybe.
"How confused are you right now?"
It's a ritual that just about everyone who gives a damn about someone dying does, in one way or another. I don't think anyone gets it. They just do it.
"A funeral's when someone dies, and people get together because they're sad the person died. And then they say nice things about the person who died. They have them in different places, but this one's going to be at Uncle Ryan's house."
Oh. That's sad. Nice, but sad.
I guess that's why Daddy is going with my uncles. They might not be as sad if they all go together. They're really good friends. I'd like to go make Daddy not as sad too, but Mommy already told me how important it is for me to help her while Daddy is away. She needs me to help her with Junior because our little sister is going to be born soon. And I'm her big girl, so I can do stuff that Junior can't do yet.
He's gonna learn how to do it all soon too, but I'm the oldest. Its my job to help when Daddy or Mommy has to go away, even if they're really sad about it.
I just wish Uncle Ryan hadn't made those bad friends. He'd be okay now if he'd stayed with his good friends, like Daddy and Uncle Madsen, and Uncle Johnny, and Uncle Nick. They'd never let anything bad happen to Uncle Ryan.
"People dress up sometimes. And there's food afterwards."
Food. I think that's good. Sometimes when I'm sad I'm allowed to have a cookie or ice cream or something to make me feel better. Maybe if they have good food, Daddy won't be so sad.
I think he will though. I don't think food helps too much when someone dies. You might not even feel like eating.
"Basically, it's this thing that's been around for a long time, where you get to say goodbye to the person who died. And it's important that I go, and that your uncles go, because we were all friends, and we didn't get to say goodbye to him yet."
But how can they do that? If Uncle Ryan died, he won't be at his home. They won't be able to say goodbye now. Mommy already told me about my Aunt Grace, and she said that when she died she was sad because it meant that she wouldn't get to see her anymore.
We're not going to get to see Uncle Ryan anymore either.
"Plus, we want to be there for Uncle Ryan's parents, and Uncle Ryan's other family. Because they're sad that he died too, and it helps having people with you when you're sad."
I think that sounds like a nice thing to do. If Daddy and my uncles are sad, then Uncle Ryan's family must be really sad.
I bet they'll be glad to see Daddy. He's going really far away to see them for Uncle Ryan.
"How confused are you right now?"
Confused? I don't think I'm confused much. I understand what Daddy said. He has to go see Uncle Ryan's family and say nice things about Uncle Ryan because everyone is going to be sad.
"I'm okay."
I'm a big girl. I can figure out stuff sometimes.
"But I'm gonna miss Uncle Ryan. He's...he was really cool."
She is? Wow, I actually explained it right. Sort of. Parenting grace under feeling like crap and other types of pressure. Not bad. I think. Maybe. I don't know.
I'm just tired. Again. I've been tired the past couple of days a lot, and sleeping more than I probably should. I think it's just getting it out of the way for when I go, because I don't know how much sleeping I'm actually going to do once I'm there.
We'll probably all keep each other up. It's something we do even when it's not under these kind of circumstances.
And since I know that, I'm preparing. Or something.
"But I'm gonna miss Uncle Ryan. He's...he was really cool."
"Yeah, I know."
He liked Julia. He always said kids weren't really his thing, but he did get along with her. And he liked Junior too. He even brought them stuff, which I wasn't expecting at all.
And he's not going to get to actually meet Rachel, or Lorelai, so neither one of them is going to know who he is. Was. Whatever.
I hate this crap.
"So I'm gonna go to this, and when I get back, we'll do something. You, me, Mommy, and Junior." Because I think after more sleep, it'll be nice. Get me back into the old routine so I don't dwell. It's nice knowing how I can get well enough to plan this kind of thing in advance, isn't it?
"We'll go out, or something like that. Whatever you want to do." That last sentence just about always makes her happy, and since I think I upset her a little, I'd really like to try for that.
I might even spend the last day I'm there getting something. I know it's weird buying your kids something when you go to one of your best friend's funerals, but I think Johnny'll probably do it too, so at least I won't be the only weird one.
Plus, I'm going to be in Louisiana. There has to be something there. And buying something for my kids makes me happy, because I spoil them freakin' rotten, so it'll help me feel as good as I'm going to get by the time I get on the plane.
I think it might be bad that I said that. Daddy looks even more sad now. I didn't mean to make him more sad. I just said what I thought about Uncle Ryan because it sounds like that's what you're supposed to do.
But maybe you can't do that unless you're going to the funeral at Uncle Ryan's house. I'm not sure how you're supposed to talk about someone after they die, Mommy never told me about that. She tells me stories about Aunt Grace though, so I think its okay sometimes. And Uncle Dan says things too every once in a while, because Aunt Grace was his Mommy.
Maybe you're not supposed to talk about people who died until they've been dead for a long time.
"So I'm gonna go to this, and when I get back, we'll do something. You, me, Mommy, and Junior."
I think that would be fun, if Daddy is okay when he gets home. He might still be sad, because when people die, you're supposed to be sad for a while. But maybe if we go out and do something, Daddy won't be as sad as he is now. Junior and Mommy and me might be able to make Daddy feel better.
I wonder if we could do stuff while he's away too. Like little things. I could make him pictures. Or another play! Daddy likes those a lot. I should do that. And Mommy can make Daddy his favorite dinner, and Junior...
Junior doesn't have to do much. He can give Daddy a hug.
"We'll go out, or something like that. Whatever you want to do."
"Okay Daddy."
I don't know what I want to do yet. I like going to the park, but Mommy might not want to go because she's going to have Lorelai soon. My friends Katie and Jayda and Lacey were telling me about how tired their mommies got before they had their brothers and sisters. I don't want to make Mommy tired. Daddy gets tired a lot now, if Mommy got tired too, we wouldn't be able to have any fun.
Maybe we could go get ice cream! Ice cream gives you energy. I think that would be okay.
That'll help. I think. That, and anything I can do not to think about what's going on too long before or after the funeral. I need to take that one slow, obviously, because the more I think about it, the more horrible I feel.
I still think we could have done something. No matter what anyone says. We relied on each other all the time growing up, we should have still been able to do that now.
This isn't beating myself up so much as thinking something that's true. I'm not going to torture myself with it, it's not good for me or for anyone else, I just know that. And I don't think that's something I'm ever going to forget.
And I know Madsen and Johnny and Nick, even though they haven't really said it, feel the same way.
"How long are you going away to the funeral for?"
"A couple of days. Three, four at the most." But only if it turns out they really need us there, which is possible. I don't know how it's going to go yet, and Nick and I both agreed that it's probably not a good idea to book flights home until we know how it's going to go.
If Ryan's family needs us for anything, we'll want to do it. So leaving it open just works for now.
"But no more than four." Because I can't stay there for more days than that. And neither can the rest of us.
"And when I come back, I'll have something for you and for Junior." She loves presents, no matter what reason they're coming for. It'll give her something to look forward to besides whatever we're going to be doing when I get back.
So maybe she'll be a little less upset. It's something.
"So. Hungry?"
I need food, and maybe another nap, and then I'm going to finish the rest of the stuff I need to handle before I leave. There isn't much, but since I'm trying not to spend all the time in bed no matter how crappy I feel, it'll be a short nap no matter what.
"Because I'm hungry." I smiled a little and gave her another kiss on the forehead, picking her up as I stood and putting her over my shoulder casually.
That's not a long time to go for work. Sometimes Daddy has to go away for a whole week, and Aunt Arianna and Dan come by and help Mommy with stuff that Daddy does. Other friends help too, like Uncle Dante and Uncle Jeremy, but most of the time its Aunt Arianna. She'll be here. And if I ask nicely, she'll watch The Nightmare Before Christmas with me, because she loves it too.
Mommy doesn't like it as much as she did before now that Junior is getting bigger. She thinks he's going to be afraid of it, but that's silly. Everyone knows that Oogie Boogie isn't real. Only Jack Skellington and Sally are real. Everyone else was just make believe. Its just a story.
I think I can watch it with Aunt Arianna after Junior goes to bed. Maybe if we play with him a lot, he'll get tired fast and fall asleep. Sometimes he does that.
And sometimes I miss him when I'm awake for a long time after he does that, but I won't if we're watching The Nightmare Before Christmas.
"But no more than four."
That's good. I don't want to miss Daddy for any more than four days. And I think four days is a long time to be somewhere where everyone is sad. The sooner Daddy gets home, the sooner we can do stuff to try to make him less sad.
"And when I come back, I'll have something for you and for Junior."
"Oh."
I don't think that's what he's supposed to be doing while he's in Lousiana.
"So. Hungry?"
"Yes!"
Is Daddy going to cook? Daddy isn't good at cooking. Mommy says so. And she laughs whenever he tries to cook, because she's better at it than he is. A lot better.
But if cooking helps Daddy feel less sad...
I guess I could eat something he cooks. Just a little bit.
"Because I'm hungry."
We could have ice cream. He wouldn't have to do any cooking if we had ice cream. And its good. Its better than cooking. Almost better than cookies, but not better enough.
i am sammy: Right there with you.
I sighed and leaned back in the computer chair, rubbing my eyes for what has to be the billionth freakin' time in the last day. I still haven't gotten around to talking to Julia yet, but I haven't really decided on what to say. I know Carly's talked to her, otherwise she wouldn't be so obviously staying out of my way.
That's not what I wanted. I just didn't want to answer questions for a little while. But I can't have it both ways, so I've stuck by it until I know what to say.
so awesome dude: When we go, do you think it's gonna be weird?
Oh come on, I avoid questions I don't know how to answer, and I get them anyway? Leave it to Madsen. Christ.
I called Arianna yesterday and wound up telling her everything since Carly wasn't there. I think I can trust her to keep quiet about it, since she doesn't like talking about stuff that upsets her. Repeating it makes it as bad for her as it would for me. I get it.
Which was why I wasn't going to tell her everything, but she kept asking, and eventually I just got sick of trying to stick to as few details as possible, and it all spilled out. She got quiet after that, and I apologized for it ten or fifteen times before we got off the phone.
After that, I was even less interested in talking to Julia about it. After a few hours of that, I just felt like a jackass all the way around. The usual.
i am sammy: I have no idea. We'll have to wait until we get there. Anyone else we know going?
I felt someone start climbing up into my lap, and jumped a little, looking down. Jules. And now I'm being hugged. I smiled a little and held her, kissing her forehead. "Hey."
"I love you Daddy."
"I love you too."
so awesome dude: I don't know. Nick and Johnny totally have no clue either. We're gonna have to see on that one too. Johnny called Gina to let her know the deal, but with Miles, she can't make it. Plus she's all post pregnant messed up and stuff.
There's my best friend. Full of tact and poise and I wish I felt better enough to smile at that. "Want me to tell Uncle Madsen you say hi?" I started typing anyway, already knowing what the answer was going to be.
i am sammy: Seeing people we know, if they manage to show, might actually make it easier. I think. I wouldn't worry about it. Jules is here, and I haven't talked to her yet, so I have to go. She says hi, by the way.
so awesome dude: Cool. Tell her I say hi too. And Junior. See you tomorrow, Sammy.
i am sammy: See you tomorrow. Don't drink. Later.
If he gets drunk, he's going to sleep in and make us late for the flight, and there's no way in hell we're missing it. I can trust him for the most part, but saying it makes me feel better. I just know him way too well not to.
I signed offline and shut off the monitor to cover the e-mail from Johnny I'd been reading before Madsen IMed me. I didn't get too far in to know if there was anything Julia shouldn't be seeing or not.
And I do still have to watch. Him being a Dad now too aside, it's still Johnny, and his daughter's still young enough for him not to worry about her walking in while he's reading his e-mail.
I don't care that much, I just keep an eye on it.
Now, back to my daughter. Who, I should probably get talking to over with before I leave. I don't like the idea of never telling her why I'm going.
Hopefully I don't mess this up and upset her too.
"So, what's up?"
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"I know."
Daddy isn't acting mad. That's good. I don't want him to be mad at me. He's already sad. Getting him mad too would make me sad, and Mommy wouldn't like it. And I'm not supposed to do stuff that Mommy doesn't like, because Mommy is tired because she has to take care of my little sister.
Mommy and Daddy told us that her name is Lorelai. I like her name, but I don't want to call her that yet. She's not even here yet.
She shouldn't have a name until she's here. We don't know if she looks like a Lorelai yet.
What if she looks like a something else?
"Want me to tell Uncle Madsen you say hi?"
"Yes, please."
I hope Uncle Madsen and Uncle Johnny aren't sad like Daddy is. Uncle Johnny has little Rachel now, but she can't give him hugs or tell him that she loves him like I can tell Daddy, she's just a baby. They can't do a lot of stuff when they're little.
Junior can do stuff. He's little, but not as little as he was before. He can talk when he wants to, and play with toys, and give hugs and kisses. He's a lot more fun now than he was when he was crying all the time. I like him.
But now we're going to have a sister, and she's going to cry all the time, and not do much, just like Rachel.
I hope she's not born for a while.
I like Mommy being home with me and Junior. Its nice. We get to go to the park a lot more. And shopping. And sometimes we get to go out for special lunches.
Mommy won't have time for that when our little sister gets here. So she doesn't have to come soon.
We're having fun just like this...when Daddy isn't sad.
Me and Mommy and Junior aren't happy when Daddy isn't happy. We can't be, we love him. It would be mean to be happy when someone you love is sad.
...Why is Daddy turning the computer off? If he's all busy, I can go back in my room and play with my dolls some more.
"So, what's up?"
"Nothing really."
Maybe I shoulda stayed in my room.
"I was in my room playing with Alice and Melinda, and I wanted to give you a hug."
So I came in here. But I think I should go back in my room if he's not doing something he's supposed to.
Its just really hard to be good sometimes, no matter what Mommy says.
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"Nothing?" Oh, come on. I know better than that. That's like Carly trying to tell me nothing's going on when something obviously is. But she doesn't look like she torched anything, so I'm not worried about trying to get the real reason out of her.
I'm pretty sure I already know what it is. And I'm definitely sure that I'm going to have the talk no matter what, and now would probably be a good time to get it done, before I worry her anymore than I already have.
"I was in my room playing with Alice and Melinda, and I wanted to give you a hug."
Yeah. She's trying. A lot. I need to get this done.
I wish I felt more up to it, but I know I'm never going to completely feel up to it, and I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Probably before she wakes up, unless she winds up getting up earlier than she usually does. Nick put us all on an early flight.
I don't get why, but I didn't bother asking. I'm guessing it's because he wants to see us, since it's not like he has anybody else to go to right now.
Which, once again, makes me feel like an asshole. I need to freakin' stop guilt tripping myself. At least for a day. Otherwise this week's just going to be hell.
"Well that's good, actually," I have to say something to make her stop looking as guilty for coming in here as I feel. "You've got good timing, I was just thinking about needing a hug."
I hugged her again, and gave her another kiss, then leaned back in my chair with her still in my lap. Okay, how the hell am I going to start this?
Might as well keep it simple.
"Do you remember Uncle Ryan? You met him a little while ago." Like a couple of years ago, so this might be pushing it, but if she remembers him at least a little then it's good. "He's my friend, and all your uncles' friend."
Really, it gets to be hell just listing all of us off.
"He..." I sighed, and took a second to look away from her while I tried to think, and then made sure I looked right back at her again when I talked. "He died. He made some really bad friends, who got him to do bad things, and he died because of it."
That wasn't too much, was it? I don't even know how to tell one way or the other.
"And me, and Uncle Madsen, and Uncle Johnny, and Uncle Nick, we're all going to his funeral in his hometown. It's in Lousiana. But it's just for a few days, and then I'm going to be home. Sort of like a work trip, but just not for work."
I think that wasn't too much.
I'll wait on the questions to find out. And see if I can answer any of those.
I doubt I'll be able to answer much, but we'll see.
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That makes it okay that I came in here. Mommy doesn't want me to bug Daddy, but if I'm being a big help the way she said I could be, then nobody is going to get mad at me. All I did was give Daddy a hug. He likes those. He says he needed it too.
I'm glad I came in to see him. He's still acting sad, but now he's sad and getting hugs. Its more better to be sad and getting hugs than to be sad and not getting hugs. And I know that Mommy gives him hugs too, I saw her do it when I was playing in the living room. Maybe if we both do it, and Junior is nice too, then Daddy will stop being so sad.
"Do you remember Uncle Ryan? You met him a little while ago. He's my friend, and all your uncles' friend."
"Yeah." He went to school with Mommy and Daddy, and Uncle Madsen, and Uncle Johnny, and Aunt Noelle, and Aunt Gina, and Uncle Nick...lots of my aunts and uncles went to school together. "He was nice when he came to see us."
Is that why Daddy's sad? Is Uncle Ryan not going to come see us anymore? Did Uncle Ryan make Daddy sad?
"He..."
Uh oh, I think he did.
"He died. He made some really bad friends, who got him to do bad things, and he died because of it."
He made bad friends? But he was friends with Daddy and my uncles. He had good friends. He shouldn't have made bad friends. He shouldn't have died either. Poor Uncle Ryan. I liked him a lot.
Daddy liked him a lot too. He was happy when Uncle Ryan was here. And Mommy was okay. I don't think they were very good friends, but they were nice to each other. We were all nice to each other.
I guess Daddy can't help but be sad. He knows how nice Uncle Ryan was. I bet he's going to miss him, too. I think I will. I didn't know a lot about him, but that's not a big deal. He was still my Uncle.
"And me, and Uncle Madsen, and Uncle Johnny, and Uncle Nick, we're all going to his funeral in his hometown. It's in Lousiana. But it's just for a few days, and then I'm going to be home. Sort of like a work trip, but just not for work."
"What's a funeral?"
I've heard that word before, but I don't know what it means. I know what Lousiana is though, its a state like California, but far away. So Daddy is going far away for this funeral thing, without Mommy or me or Junior. Its good that Uncle Madsen and Uncle Johnny and Uncle Nick are going with him, or I think he'd get really lonely.
I don't like this. I think Daddy and my uncles are going to get lonely anyway, and they're gonna be sad too.
I wish Uncle Ryan wasn't dead.
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Shit. I completely forgot she doesn't even know what one of those is. Okay, that's a question I can answer without having to think too much about what I'm saying.
She seems to get the rest of it for now, though. Maybe I don't have as much to worry about as I thought with her.
That's a nice switch from how things usually are, which helps right now.
"A funeral's when someone dies, and people get together because they're sad the person died." I gave her another hug, and sighed, sort of thinking how it's probably early to be talking about this kind of thing. But I can't not tell her, right?
Start it, finish it. I think. I wonder how far Carly would want me to go with this.
"And then they say nice things about the person who died. They have them in different places, but this one's going to be at Uncle Ryan's house." Skip the different funerals for different religions thing, or I'm going to be here all day. I'm too tired for it.
"People dress up sometimes," I'm going to have to get a black suit before I leave. Damn it. "And there's food afterwards."
I don't think she's getting it. "Basically, it's this thing that's been around for a long time, where you get to say goodbye to the person who died. And it's important that I go, and that your uncles go, because we were all friends, and we didn't get to say goodbye to him yet."
I think that makes sense.
"Plus, we want to be there for Uncle Ryan's parents, and Uncle Ryan's other family," Who're all really interesting people that I haven't seen in years. "Because they're sad that he died too, and it helps having people with you when you're sad."
I may have completely screwed that up. Maybe.
"How confused are you right now?"
It's a ritual that just about everyone who gives a damn about someone dying does, in one way or another. I don't think anyone gets it. They just do it.
... At least I tried.
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Oh. That's sad. Nice, but sad.
I guess that's why Daddy is going with my uncles. They might not be as sad if they all go together. They're really good friends. I'd like to go make Daddy not as sad too, but Mommy already told me how important it is for me to help her while Daddy is away. She needs me to help her with Junior because our little sister is going to be born soon. And I'm her big girl, so I can do stuff that Junior can't do yet.
He's gonna learn how to do it all soon too, but I'm the oldest. Its my job to help when Daddy or Mommy has to go away, even if they're really sad about it.
I just wish Uncle Ryan hadn't made those bad friends. He'd be okay now if he'd stayed with his good friends, like Daddy and Uncle Madsen, and Uncle Johnny, and Uncle Nick. They'd never let anything bad happen to Uncle Ryan.
"People dress up sometimes. And there's food afterwards."
Food. I think that's good. Sometimes when I'm sad I'm allowed to have a cookie or ice cream or something to make me feel better. Maybe if they have good food, Daddy won't be so sad.
I think he will though. I don't think food helps too much when someone dies. You might not even feel like eating.
"Basically, it's this thing that's been around for a long time, where you get to say goodbye to the person who died. And it's important that I go, and that your uncles go, because we were all friends, and we didn't get to say goodbye to him yet."
But how can they do that? If Uncle Ryan died, he won't be at his home. They won't be able to say goodbye now. Mommy already told me about my Aunt Grace, and she said that when she died she was sad because it meant that she wouldn't get to see her anymore.
We're not going to get to see Uncle Ryan anymore either.
"Plus, we want to be there for Uncle Ryan's parents, and Uncle Ryan's other family. Because they're sad that he died too, and it helps having people with you when you're sad."
I think that sounds like a nice thing to do. If Daddy and my uncles are sad, then Uncle Ryan's family must be really sad.
I bet they'll be glad to see Daddy. He's going really far away to see them for Uncle Ryan.
"How confused are you right now?"
Confused? I don't think I'm confused much. I understand what Daddy said. He has to go see Uncle Ryan's family and say nice things about Uncle Ryan because everyone is going to be sad.
"I'm okay."
I'm a big girl. I can figure out stuff sometimes.
"But I'm gonna miss Uncle Ryan. He's...he was really cool."
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She is? Wow, I actually explained it right. Sort of. Parenting grace under feeling like crap and other types of pressure. Not bad. I think. Maybe. I don't know.
I'm just tired. Again. I've been tired the past couple of days a lot, and sleeping more than I probably should. I think it's just getting it out of the way for when I go, because I don't know how much sleeping I'm actually going to do once I'm there.
We'll probably all keep each other up. It's something we do even when it's not under these kind of circumstances.
And since I know that, I'm preparing. Or something.
"But I'm gonna miss Uncle Ryan. He's...he was really cool."
"Yeah, I know."
He liked Julia. He always said kids weren't really his thing, but he did get along with her. And he liked Junior too. He even brought them stuff, which I wasn't expecting at all.
And he's not going to get to actually meet Rachel, or Lorelai, so neither one of them is going to know who he is. Was. Whatever.
I hate this crap.
"So I'm gonna go to this, and when I get back, we'll do something. You, me, Mommy, and Junior." Because I think after more sleep, it'll be nice. Get me back into the old routine so I don't dwell. It's nice knowing how I can get well enough to plan this kind of thing in advance, isn't it?
"We'll go out, or something like that. Whatever you want to do." That last sentence just about always makes her happy, and since I think I upset her a little, I'd really like to try for that.
I might even spend the last day I'm there getting something. I know it's weird buying your kids something when you go to one of your best friend's funerals, but I think Johnny'll probably do it too, so at least I won't be the only weird one.
Plus, I'm going to be in Louisiana. There has to be something there. And buying something for my kids makes me happy, because I spoil them freakin' rotten, so it'll help me feel as good as I'm going to get by the time I get on the plane.
It's logical. In my way.
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I think it might be bad that I said that. Daddy looks even more sad now. I didn't mean to make him more sad. I just said what I thought about Uncle Ryan because it sounds like that's what you're supposed to do.
But maybe you can't do that unless you're going to the funeral at Uncle Ryan's house. I'm not sure how you're supposed to talk about someone after they die, Mommy never told me about that. She tells me stories about Aunt Grace though, so I think its okay sometimes. And Uncle Dan says things too every once in a while, because Aunt Grace was his Mommy.
Maybe you're not supposed to talk about people who died until they've been dead for a long time.
"So I'm gonna go to this, and when I get back, we'll do something. You, me, Mommy, and Junior."
I think that would be fun, if Daddy is okay when he gets home. He might still be sad, because when people die, you're supposed to be sad for a while. But maybe if we go out and do something, Daddy won't be as sad as he is now. Junior and Mommy and me might be able to make Daddy feel better.
I wonder if we could do stuff while he's away too. Like little things. I could make him pictures. Or another play! Daddy likes those a lot. I should do that. And Mommy can make Daddy his favorite dinner, and Junior...
Junior doesn't have to do much. He can give Daddy a hug.
"We'll go out, or something like that. Whatever you want to do."
"Okay Daddy."
I don't know what I want to do yet. I like going to the park, but Mommy might not want to go because she's going to have Lorelai soon. My friends Katie and Jayda and Lacey were telling me about how tired their mommies got before they had their brothers and sisters. I don't want to make Mommy tired. Daddy gets tired a lot now, if Mommy got tired too, we wouldn't be able to have any fun.
Maybe we could go get ice cream! Ice cream gives you energy. I think that would be okay.
"How long are you going away to the funeral for?"
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"Okay."
That'll help. I think. That, and anything I can do not to think about what's going on too long before or after the funeral. I need to take that one slow, obviously, because the more I think about it, the more horrible I feel.
I still think we could have done something. No matter what anyone says. We relied on each other all the time growing up, we should have still been able to do that now.
This isn't beating myself up so much as thinking something that's true. I'm not going to torture myself with it, it's not good for me or for anyone else, I just know that. And I don't think that's something I'm ever going to forget.
And I know Madsen and Johnny and Nick, even though they haven't really said it, feel the same way.
"How long are you going away to the funeral for?"
"A couple of days. Three, four at the most." But only if it turns out they really need us there, which is possible. I don't know how it's going to go yet, and Nick and I both agreed that it's probably not a good idea to book flights home until we know how it's going to go.
If Ryan's family needs us for anything, we'll want to do it. So leaving it open just works for now.
"But no more than four." Because I can't stay there for more days than that. And neither can the rest of us.
"And when I come back, I'll have something for you and for Junior." She loves presents, no matter what reason they're coming for. It'll give her something to look forward to besides whatever we're going to be doing when I get back.
So maybe she'll be a little less upset. It's something.
"So. Hungry?"
I need food, and maybe another nap, and then I'm going to finish the rest of the stuff I need to handle before I leave. There isn't much, but since I'm trying not to spend all the time in bed no matter how crappy I feel, it'll be a short nap no matter what.
"Because I'm hungry." I smiled a little and gave her another kiss on the forehead, picking her up as I stood and putting her over my shoulder casually.
"So. Let's go find something to eat, huh?"
I'm trying. I want points for that.
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That's not a long time to go for work. Sometimes Daddy has to go away for a whole week, and Aunt Arianna and Dan come by and help Mommy with stuff that Daddy does. Other friends help too, like Uncle Dante and Uncle Jeremy, but most of the time its Aunt Arianna. She'll be here. And if I ask nicely, she'll watch The Nightmare Before Christmas with me, because she loves it too.
Mommy doesn't like it as much as she did before now that Junior is getting bigger. She thinks he's going to be afraid of it, but that's silly. Everyone knows that Oogie Boogie isn't real. Only Jack Skellington and Sally are real. Everyone else was just make believe. Its just a story.
I think I can watch it with Aunt Arianna after Junior goes to bed. Maybe if we play with him a lot, he'll get tired fast and fall asleep. Sometimes he does that.
And sometimes I miss him when I'm awake for a long time after he does that, but I won't if we're watching The Nightmare Before Christmas.
"But no more than four."
That's good. I don't want to miss Daddy for any more than four days. And I think four days is a long time to be somewhere where everyone is sad. The sooner Daddy gets home, the sooner we can do stuff to try to make him less sad.
"And when I come back, I'll have something for you and for Junior."
"Oh."
I don't think that's what he's supposed to be doing while he's in Lousiana.
"So. Hungry?"
"Yes!"
Is Daddy going to cook? Daddy isn't good at cooking. Mommy says so. And she laughs whenever he tries to cook, because she's better at it than he is. A lot better.
But if cooking helps Daddy feel less sad...
I guess I could eat something he cooks. Just a little bit.
"Because I'm hungry."
We could have ice cream. He wouldn't have to do any cooking if we had ice cream. And its good. Its better than cooking. Almost better than cookies, but not better enough.
...Going up!
"So. Let's go find something to eat, huh?"
"Okay!"
Let's go find ice cream!
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