She'll laugh at my doom.
Now that we've explained to Junior and Julia that I'm not going to go slaying anymore, there's one more person I have to tell before I can start trying to casually work it into conversation with everyone else. Arianna. And I thought about asking her and Dan to come, but I know she'll tell him the minute she gets home, so that isn't necessary. He'll
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Dan claims that he has no idea what this little talk is going to be about, and I don't know if I believe him or not. He doesn't really lie to me unless he badly needs me to shut up, as far as I know, so I guess I do. I just don't like this. There's something I don't know about. Again.
Last time this happened, Carly was pregnant, and my stupid older brother got married to her without telling me.
I'm not sure what could be bigger than that, but I don't doubt them. They have ways of topping themselves, just when you think they can't. Because they're both crazier than they make me out to be.
I had a hard time not making myself angry on the way over, because I kept trying to think of what it could be. It sounded like it was just going to be Carly, but it didn't sound like a fight with Sam, and if it was babysitting it would have just been said.
So I think it's something bad. Or big. And why couldn't she just tell me? Why do they have to treat it like I'm going to blow up? I only blew up a little before, and I stopped, didn't I?
And this can't be a blow upy, because then she would have had Dan come with me, so what's going on?
I hate not knowing things!
I sighed as I walked upstairs and knocked on the door, trying to get ready for whatever it was that was going to happen. But there's no way to prepare, and that's stupid. I should have just been told.
She's opening the door. With a strange expression. Now I really want to know! "So what's going on?" I came in, and got led into the kitchen before she actually said anything.
This I don't like. This means... Oh, Ben and Jerry's. And my favorite, too... Now I'm even more suspicious! What's going on!
"Who's dying? ... Are you pregnant again? ... Did Sam do something stupid and you need me to yell at him?" What? Tell me! "... Or is this a conversation thing, and you just didn't know how to say it?" It has to be something! I don't think that, because then she would have just said so, so it's something else, but it's something!
"Just tell me. You don't need the ice cream." Wait, what am I saying? "... But we can have that while we talk, of course." This is driving me so crazy, I almost refused ice cream!
"So..." She's still being too quiet. "... You'll talk, and I'll scoop." I grabbed the ice cream scoop and started in on it.
Talk! Now! I want to know what's going on!
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What's going on? My days of having a purpose are over, that's what's going on. And yes, I could have told her that over the phone, but it didn't seem very professional of me to do that. Since this is the last thing I'm going to have to do as a slayer, I might as well do it well, step down gracefully, maintain my reputation for being one of the better ones, all that shit. Which means meeting with Arianna to talk about it, even though she's my sister and I don't really need to, is important. She's the only one we have left to fight locally, unless I can talk her into letting me talk them into sending another one. Its big. Not for me because I won't be doing anything, but for Arianna.
I closed the door and headed for the kitchen without another word. She's already asking about why she's here, and I don't even have the ice cream dished out yet. That's called jumping the gun.
"Who's dying? ... Are you pregnant again? ... Did Sam do something stupid and you need me to yell at him?"
"No one. No." But I'll have to give that one some consideration. "And I'm perfectly capable of yelling at him myself when he does something stupid." She knows that one as well as I do.
"... Or is this a conversation thing, and you just didn't know how to say it?"
She's half right. This is a slayer thing, and I didn't know how to say it. I still don't know how to say it. How do you say "I'm quitting because my husband wants me to" without sounding like a complete pushover?
I know its more than that, but what it really came down to was Sam talking to me about it, and asking me if I'd had enough. Him doing that made me realize how much I've been screwing up our kids with the whole thing.
Because of that, he gets the blame.
"Just tell me. You don't need the ice cream."
What?!
"... But we can have that while we talk, of course."
That's better. Giving up slaying is weird enough on its own. I don't want her making it worse by turning down ice cream. Arianna has never turned down ice cream. I've seen her take me up on some while she was furious with me.
We don't need to make this any more difficult. Ice cream is just needed.
"So...... You'll talk, and I'll scoop."
Fine. She'll talk, I'll scoop. No, its the other way around. She'll scoop, I'll talk. And I know what she means by talk. She means she wants to know what's going on. I think she already knows the first part, but its easier to start there.
"Sam and I have been worried about Junior. Ever since he found out about what you and I do he's practically been programming himself to wake up when I get home so that he can heal me after I go slaying."
Its not right. If Arianna gets nothing else about where I'm going with this, she knows we shouldn't be putting him through that.
I think she gets it. I'll continue anyway.
"I came home pretty messed up the other night, and he took care of it. He looked just, really scared, but he did it, and I put him back to sleep...and I can't do it anymore." I sighed. "Sam and I talked about it, and we decided that I have to stop."
There. I said it.
She can be shocked now.
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"Well, I know, but..." I just want to be told what's going on. And there's a lot of possibilities, I was just going for every possible one. Sam doing something stupid is very possible. It's the part where Carly asks me to yell at him that's less.
"Sam and I have been worried about Junior. Ever since he found out about what you and I do he's practically been programming himself to wake up when I get home so that he can heal me after I go slaying."
"I know." Sam gets this funny look whenever he talks about it. You can tell it drives him crazy, I think he thinks he was failing Junior by letting him get like that, and I kept trying to tell him that's not true, but he didn't believe me.
Their son's just being worried about his mother. He's attached to her. It happens when you've got good parents. Just because we didn't have them doesn't mean we don't both know that.
He knew that he wasn't going to be able to get Junior to stop though, no matter what he did, and I had to agree with that. Even though it's weird knowing a five year old just wakes up at three in the morning automatically without an alarm or anything.
Twice as weird when it's my brother's son. He who couldn't get out of bed if a nuclear bomb was going to hit.
And I'm definitely sure it's not healthy, but what're they going to do? Lock him in his room? He'd still be awake, wouldn't he? And then he'd be upset they weren't letting him do it, and Sam would be upset for making him upset. Carly twice as much because she's got this big weakness thingy when it comes to him.
So while it's not a good thing at all, it's still not going to change.
"I came home pretty messed up the other night, and he took care of it. He looked just, really scared, but he did it, and I put him back to sleep..."
See? Sam kept saying he doesn't know how Carly deals with it. That just proves that she doesn't. I feel bad for them. I don't know how I'd do it with kids of my own.
Which I know Dan wants. But... We're not even married, so I'm not going there yet.
"And I can't do it anymore."
What does that mean, then?
"Sam and I talked about it, and we decided that I have to stop."
"What?" I dropped the ice cream scoop by accident, and grabbed it again. "... Really?" She's stopping? Can we do that? I've never heard of a slayer retiring. Stuffy English Bastards never said anything about being able to retire if you live long enough.
... Well I doubt they would, but Max never told me, and Max would have told me.
"Honestly?" I think it's honest. This is... The last thing I expected to get surprised with, definitely. Even if we could retire, I never saw Carly doing it. She's more into this calling than I am.
How would Sam get her to do it? Was there a huge fight or something? Oh, this is strange.
"... So it's just going to be me?"
She's going to need to explain to me how this works, because now... Now it's just weird.
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"Yeah."
I sighed, pulling a chair out and sitting down at the table. I know Arianna is looking at me like I've lost it, but I'll pretend that she isn't. She knows how I am, and how much what we do means to me. The "stopping" part just sounds strange to her because she has no idea what its like to be a mom.
I've been a vampire slayer for a long time. I wouldn't give it up unless I felt like I was screwing up my family in some way, and Sam has made it pretty clear to me that I am.
I don't have a choice. If I continue with it the way I've been, I'll upset the kids. We're lucky that they've been good about it for this long, I can't afford to press my luck. I won't hurt the kids.
Not intentionally, anyway.
"... So it's just going to be me?"
"No." I shook my head, reaching over and picking up a paper napkin to keep my hands busy. "The council is furious with me for what I'm doing, but I think I still have enough pull to convince them to send you back up."
Forget being fair, I'm not going to give Arianna a choice. She's my sister-in-law, and my nephew's future wife. Risking her neck might be fun now, but if it kills her, no one is going to be very happy with how this worked out.
"In the meantime, I want you to train with me." Its not that she's not good, its that she still has a lot to learn. "You'll have to pick up the slack until the new slayer gets here."
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But if we're the only two around here... Are we not the only two, and she's just found this out? Is that what this is? Well that's stupid, isn't it? We should have run into her by now, if that was it. Where's she been hiding?
"The council is furious with me for what I'm doing, but I think I still have enough pull to convince them to send you back up."
Oh. I guess not.
... Hey, who says I couldn't handle it on my own?! Does she still think I'm not good enough? Just because I can't take her yet, doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. I'm fantastically accomplished, thank you. I suppose I'm not quite the best slayer alive, but still, pretty good!
"In the meantime, I want you to train with me."
I don't like the idea that I'm not good enough. This is stupid. She wasn't carrying me or anything when we were doing this together. It's not like we went slaying together every night! We covered more ground that way. And I took perfectly wonderful care of my ground!
"You'll have to pick up the slack until the new slayer gets here."
"I could do it." I passed her the bowl that was hers and sat down with mine, trying not to be annoyed. Even though she doesn't think I'm good enough to handle this on my own. I'm not new.
"And I don't see why we need back up to begin with." It'll be a little hard, but I could take care of it, right?
"I mean, right off. I could take care of things for a while." Train with her. Like I'm a potential. Or like I just found out what my calling is. I could learn whatever I need to know perfectly well on my own.
Oh, this is going to be wonderful, isn't it? I'm going to have to tell Dan. Maybe I can get her to tell Dan.
"... And which one of us is telling Dan about this?" Because I'd rather it be her. Something just makes me think this wouldn't be a good conversation to have with him. I know he already worries a bit as is.
But I could still take care of things!
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"We cover more ground that way."
I don't want to argue about this. Arianna is telling me what I know I thought back in the day, but its different with her. It would even be different if it was me now. Before Sam came back and I was in contact with Arianna again, I didn't call all that much about what could happen to me. Now I want to get it right so that I can be here for my family. If I were the one in her position, and she was retiring, I'd take the back up.
I wouldn't like it in any way, but I'd take it. And she should too. Arianna's not some well oiled slaying machine with no one who cares about her. Dan is set on them spending the rest of their lives together. I'm pretty sure that what he has in mind would last for longer than the next five years, which is the timetable she's looking at if she does it alone.
Maybe Sam and I should rethink this. If we can't convince her to have someone help her, maybe I could keep up slaying, but do less of it than I was doing before. Slow down a little, or something.
We wouldnt have to tell the kids, right? I could be careful.
"I mean, right off. I could take care of things for a while.... And which one of us is telling Dan about this?"
"You are."
Arianna can tell him, because she'll be his first concern when he finds out. Plus, his reaction might make her feel a little better about training with me. We can guilt her into it if he's upset enough.
I'm really not sure what he's going to do, but I doubt he's just going to accept it happily.
"And I don't think I want you changing your routine at all until we have this figured out, with the exception of a few hours a week with me."
Not many, I promise.
I probably won't be that great a teacher to her anyway, but I want to try. It probably pisses her off, but she might learn something. And if she doesn't, its still practice.
When it comes to Arianna's slaying skills, I trust her. I trust her abilities. I know that she can do a hell of a lot.
But she was trained by the British morons, and because of that, I think I could have something to offer her.
"Its just for my peace of mind, Arianna. Sam and I are having a hard time with this as it is. We love you and we're afraid we could be putting you in a bad position. I'd appreciate it if you'd do this for us."
And if you say no, I'll tell you to do it for your nieces and nephews, and then you can change your mind.
We both know that I'm not above it.
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... Damn.
"And I don't think I want you changing your routine at all until we have this figured out, with the exception of a few hours a week with me."
There's that thing with training again. I don't need training. I'm capable of taking care of myself. I need to stop being treated like I'm a little kid who's new. I was that at thirteen. I'm older now! Why should I have to do this?
"Its just for my peace of mind, Arianna. Sam and I are having a hard time with this as it is. We love you and we're afraid we could be putting you in a bad position. I'd appreciate it if you'd do this for us."
"But you're not putting me in a bad position." And this is stupid! I don't want any guilt card thingies played on me! I sighed and ate my ice cream, trying to think of how to argue. I just want to, because I don't think I should be giving into this.
Stupid training and being treated like a child aside, what if I don't like the new slayer? What if she turns out to be bad? And then I'll get angry, and I'll have to fight her, and if I beat her up everyone's going to get angry with me.
I almost want to call Max and see if I can get a favor out of him, so I know that if this has to happen, it'll at least be someone I like. But I'd feel guilty asking him for a favor when we haven't talked in ages. So I won't do it.
I'm still going to call him though, because I miss him. He's pretty. I just won't tell Dan who I'm calling. And then I can get advice on how to deal with this from him.
Because it's not as though I could ask Billy or Dawn, they wouldn't really know what to say. And no one else that I'm friends with knows what I do at night. And they only found out by accident anyway. Then I had to deal with Sam lecturing me afterwards.
But they took it well. They're my best friends for a reason.
This girl might not be.
"What if I hate the new girl, and then I'm forced to work with someone I hate? And why do I really need to the training? You're acting like I don't know what I'm doing, and sticking me with someone else who I might not even like, and... and..." I ate my ice cream to make myself stop talking.
I'm probably making this worse, but I can't help it. I don't like any of this.
Who knew Carly retiring was going to be this annoying?
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"Slow down."
As mean as it sounds, I don't care if she likes the new girl or not. Getting along with people is a part of life. Its one that Arianna has never been good at, but still, its life. We were lucky to be able to handle the city together for as long as we have been. Most slayers don't know each other. A lot of them don't like each other. All you have to do when you don't like one is keep it professional. Its like working with another employee of the same company, that's all.
I can think of a few slayers who I don't like. I just don't talk to them. When I need something, I call up someone associated with the council, or Faith. Its a lot easier than putting myself through the hell of playing nice with someone else. Arianna can learn to be the same way.
She has to do it sometime, right?
"If you don't like her, don't pay any attention to her. You and I never worked together much. You won't be expected to spend a lot of time around her."
They can do their jobs separately and leave it at that. Sure, they have to meet in the beginning, and the girl will probably need someone to help her get familiar with the area, but I can do that if I have to, as long as I don't slay.
Because my husband says I'm supposed to stop now, so I've stopped. I'm just being responsible about it so that Arianna can live long enough for me to freak out at her wedding.
"And I know that you're good at what you do. I'm not trying to make you think otherwise, you're good." I still think I'm better, but I'm not going to tell her that unless I mention experience alone.
"But when a new slayer gets here, you're going to be in charge." She likes that, doesn't she? "And that's a lot of responsbility--which I think you can handle--I just couldn't take it if anything happened to you because I've decided to step down. And you know how Sam is, he feels the same way I do and thensome."
Argue that, ice cream girl.
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I am slowing down. I'm eating my ice cream, aren't I? That's slowing down plenty. I'm eating my ice cream instead of ranting some more about how this is all crazy.
"If you don't like her, don't pay any attention to her. You and I never worked together much. You won't be expected to spend a lot of time around her."
But still, if someone I know likes her, I might have to see her a lot. And then I'll hate her and see her. She's being mean about this. I could end up in hell until I retire.
Which, if I have my way, won't be for a long time. But there's Dan to think of, and he's a lot more persuasive than Sam is. I don't know what my brother said to Carly to get her to agree with it, but I'm sure Sam could come up with something worse.
Still, I'm holding out. I don't want to give this up. I just don't want some girl I might not like walking about.
"And I know that you're good at what you do. I'm not trying to make you think otherwise, you're good."
You just have to hear that little 'but not better than me' that goes right under that. And this is what it's all about, isn't it. I'm not Carly, so I have to get training. That's stupid.
"But when a new slayer gets here, you're going to be in charge."
... In charge in what way?
"And that's a lot of responsbility--which I think you can handle--I just couldn't take it if anything happened to you because I've decided to step down. And you know how Sam is, he feels the same way I do and thensome."
I know that. Sam's bound to throw a fit if I walk out of here without agreeing to do this stupid training thing. And then we'll fight. Not the fun three year old fights when we call each other mean things without even meaning it, but the other kind where we yell at each other until one of us walks out.
And that's usually him. Because he's better at that than me. And that's something I don't mind admitting to at all.
I sighed and ate some more of my ice cream, and then wished I'd put something on it. It would have made it better, and then once I had ice cream bliss I could block out all this.
"What do you mean by in charge, exactly?"
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Great. Now I'm going to have to put Arianna on a power trip, or she's going to keep complaining. Perfect. That makes this whole 'stepping down' thing that I don't want to do even better, doesn't it?
I still think I'm too young for this. Giving in at thirty one is practically admitting defeat. I probably have about ten good years left before I can't handle it anymore, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that my husband and one of my children are worried, and they shouldn't have to live with the burden of my calling.
Right. I just have to keep pretending that I'm on board with this.
I still don't think that Sam knows what I'm giving up, or that there's no way to convince Junior that I'm going to stay safe, but I already agreed to stop. There's no point in going back and thinking about what we could have told our son, or how we could have got him to sleep without me being there, its over. And I know it. I'm just having a hard time accepting it.
Its the only job I've ever had that really fit me.
"This is your city. You know it better than the new slayer will. You'll get to make the decisions that I used to make for us. And she'll have to listen to you." Where to go, how to handle certain situations, when to report activity to the council, what to do when a demon doesn't just die. All of it.
She'll have me for advice if she needs it, but Arianna seems to consider herself above that, so I doubt she will.
I'll just be the wise old slayer who is always on call for pointers.
It makes me want to cry.
"It won't be that bad. I'll even give you some of my weapons. I have a lot more than I need to keep around, and Lorelai has a way of getting into everything. I'd rather give them to you now than have to heal a crying daughter later."
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I suppose that's a bright side, isn't it? I never got to make any sort of calls before, and when I made them because I was on my own, I always got in trouble for it. This girl, whoever she's going to be, is going to have to listen to me. Because I know more than her.
I like that.
"It won't be that bad. I'll even give you some of my weapons. I have a lot more than I need to keep around, and Lorelai has a way of getting into everything. I'd rather give them to you now than have to heal a crying daughter later."
There's going to be weapons for me? She's got all sorts of things I could never find anywhere else, and now I get some of them. And I could use something new, I've been so bored with some of mine.
Then there's some that never get old, like this large shiny axe that I used to take this demon's head off the other day. You can't get bored with a classic.
... You really do have to be a bit mad to enjoy this job, don't you?
"Alright."
I sighed, finishing up my ice cream and putting the bowl back on the table. I have to do it. If I don't do it, I'm going to get in trouble, and it's not worth fighting with everyone on. The new slayer will be here no matter what.
"When do I start?" So I can get out of here and call Dan, then get him to come over and explain to him what's going on. I think being in charge for once is the only fun part.
He's not going to see it, but at least I'll have something I like about this.
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Good girl. Take it better than I am and see how much you can get out of it. That's what I'd do if I was in her position. She's already getting weapons, now she start naming specific ones and trying to get me to part with them. I know she's had her eye on a few things, but I've been able to justify having them because of the job, which I no longer have. I'm out of excuses.
And really, we could use the room. Weapons aren't just heavy, they take up a lot of space. Keeping them around to collect dust isn't practical, and it makes more work for me. Arianna could probably get a lot of use out of some of what I have. I think parting with a few things for her sake is a good idea. She'll have more to fight with, now that she's going to have to do it without my help.
God, I hate this.
"When do I start?"
"I'm going to get back in touch with them in a little bit, and then I'll call you. Do your usual route tonight and call me if you have any trouble. I won't be going out."
Ever.
Damnit. This is depressing. I know there are worse things that could be happening, but this is pretty awful for me. And I'm not going to have anything to do, either.
Well, I'll probably get to spend more time with Sam. I've always been able to manage having sex and going out at night, but now we'll have more time for it after the kids are sleeping--assuming that Junior doesn't wake up anyway.
We probably should wait and see what he does with this before we go jumping each other after we put them to bed. I don't want to prevent scarring him with one thing and have that cause another. But he usually wakes up around three anyway, we do have a timetable in case we want to try it. It wouldn't be too difficult to make it work.
....I need a distraction.
Preferably one that isn't going to wear my husband out every night and make him exhausted for work.
"It'll probably take them a few days to work out their plan of action. I'll tell them to let us both know."
How did I end up so completely screwed, anyway?
I'd really like to know.
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I'll have to take the axe then. Without her running around and trying to find all the particularly mean things before I do -- like I know she always does, it's like a treasure hunt or something -- I'm bound to run into something heavy.
Not that I'm bothered, it means another reason to use the axe. Oh, and that reminds me, I have to see if I can get that sword of hers that I've wanted forever. It's so shiny.
I'm going to have to pick up extra polish for all this later. A lot. I can feel it.
"It'll probably take them a few days to work out their plan of action. I'll tell them to let us both know."
"Okay." I sighed and nodded. "And I'm sorry about getting mad, it's just... It's weird. Considering." And now I'm going to have to learn things again because of this stupid training thingy. I don't want to go through that all over again.
"And then the new slayer thing means some twit walking around that I might not even like." That's another thing I can feel. That somehow, someway, I won't like this person. She's going to be coming to a place and probably acting like she owns it.
And this is me and Carly's city. Or... Well I suppose now it's just mine, isn't it.
Oh, this just got weirder.
"And I like the being in charge thing, but..." Anyway. "Sorry, I know this has to be depressing for you." I got up and put my ice cream bowl in the sink, then put the ice cream away in the freezer.
"Just let me know when you hear something, alright?"
I have to go call my boyfriend. And see how he's going to take this.
I don't want to do that!
"... There's no chance I can get you to explain this to Dan instead of me, right?"
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"I know."
She might not like her. I get it. Its rough to work with someone who you don't like, especially if you've been doing things a certain way for as long as we have, whatever. She still gets to go out at night, and kill things, and have a purpose. All that changes for her is the format.
For me, its all over. I can't fight anymore. No slaying, no killing, no nothing.
Its worth it. I'm going crazy just thinking about it, but I that raising three happy kids is a lot better than being a human killing machine. I don't need to be a slayer anymore, I'm a mom.
I just always hoped I could do both.
"Sorry, I know this has to be depressing for you."
"A little, yeah." I watched her put her bowl in the sink, looked down at my melted ice cream, and sighed. I really only took it out for Arianna's benefit. I think I'm going to need something a little stronger to help me deal with all of this, but I don't want to fall into that.
I haven't had a drink in years. Supporting Sam just came before anything like that, and then I was either pregnant, or had adjusted to a life without alcohol. I probably shouldn't go out drinking just to make myself feel better about this. It won't accomplish anything. I'll still be retiring.
Ugh. I hate that word.
"Just let me know when you hear something, alright?"
"I will."
"... There's no chance I can get you to explain this to Dan instead of me, right?"
"None at all."
Telling your boyfriend things that he doesn't want to hear is a part of life. I've been doing it for years with Sam, and now Arianna is old enough to start having the kind of problems. Its a little funny. I think I'd like it better if I wasn't so bummed out about the slaying thing, but still. Its good to see that I'm not the only one who gets stuck suffering through that crap.
Arianna gets to suffer too now.
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It was worth a shot.
I'm not going to enjoy this. But I knew I was going to have to do it eventually, because Carly does it all the time with Sam. And then they fight or he walks off all quiet and depressed about whatever it was, and they move on eventually.
Dan might walk off. Or he might say he's alright with it when he's not. I'm not sure. I don't like either, they're depressing.
"Okay." I sighed, and just to waste time, went over and filled my bowl up with water from the sink.
... Oh, that really didn't help at all, did it.
Damn. I don't want to go now.
"I'll see you later. Tell the kids hello for me, alright?" I rubbed my eyes and headed for the door. "And tell Sam to call me." Because I want to know what he said to her. I'm really really curious about that part.
I can't think of anything to put off calling Dan. Billy's working, he'll get annoyed if I bug him. Dawn's supposed to be going on some blind date thingy soon. She won't be good for much, she'll be getting ready in about ten minutes.
I'll call Max before I call Dan. That'll give me a good hour. I think.
Unless Max is busy. Damn! Damn damn damn damn... Okay, I'll just do it. And call Max later. And he can make me feel better.
I'll probably need it.
"I'll talk to you later." I left, and went downstairs, walking for home, trying to think of how I was going to word it.
There has to be some way to say 'Carly's retired and I'm going to be slaying more until the new girl shows and probably wrecks it all' without it sounding so depressing.
I'll think of something.
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