[BLOG] Everybody hurts sometime...
I still cry myself to sleep every single night, and then wake up every single morning dreading the day to come and wondering how much more I'll manage to screw up my life in the next 24 hour time span. It feels like I have been doing that forever now. Some days, I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Why doesn't anything make sense anymore? I don't even remember what it is like to feel happy, and I'm not sure I ever truly have been. Oh, I make a good show of pretending I am, but when I stop sometimes, and really watch those who are truly happy, why does it hurt so much and why do I have to be so goddamn jealous?
It's not too much to ask to just be able to make sense of something, is it? I've given up wanting to make sense of my whole life, but I just want one tiny little thing that makes sense and maybe even makes me smile. But it feels like I'm trying to find the Holy Grail, and every time I think I have discovered the right formula, I turn around and screw it all up again. Why can't I get it right just once? Once is all I'm asking for, so I can just feel what it likes to be loved and special without needing to wear the mask. All I need to know is that it isn't all fantasy. Does happiness really exist, or are we all just freaking fooling ourselves to try and fool everyone else?
My head feels like it's constantly filled with a thick, dark fog that I can't clear. I have this ridiculous ability to keep fucking up even the most simplest of situations, and often I know exactly what I'm doing. I know the consequences, but it doesn't stop me. At least if I'm angry or hurt, I'm feeling something, right? It's better than those times I feel nothing. I don't like those times. It's those times I get really scared reality will slip away from me and I won't ever be able to claw it back. That's when I do the most stupidest things of all before my brain will kick and tell me to stop being a total bitch... but it's always too little too late, and I'm left standing there picking up the pieces all over again, my heart once against smashed into the wall in a bloody mess, with that deep ache in my chest that feels like it will never, ever stop, and I will never not be alone...
What the hell is wrong with me?
It's not too much to ask to just be able to make sense of something, is it? I've given up wanting to make sense of my whole life, but I just want one tiny little thing that makes sense and maybe even makes me smile. But it feels like I'm trying to find the Holy Grail, and every time I think I have discovered the right formula, I turn around and screw it all up again. Why can't I get it right just once? Once is all I'm asking for, so I can just feel what it likes to be loved and special without needing to wear the mask. All I need to know is that it isn't all fantasy. Does happiness really exist, or are we all just freaking fooling ourselves to try and fool everyone else?
My head feels like it's constantly filled with a thick, dark fog that I can't clear. I have this ridiculous ability to keep fucking up even the most simplest of situations, and often I know exactly what I'm doing. I know the consequences, but it doesn't stop me. At least if I'm angry or hurt, I'm feeling something, right? It's better than those times I feel nothing. I don't like those times. It's those times I get really scared reality will slip away from me and I won't ever be able to claw it back. That's when I do the most stupidest things of all before my brain will kick and tell me to stop being a total bitch... but it's always too little too late, and I'm left standing there picking up the pieces all over again, my heart once against smashed into the wall in a bloody mess, with that deep ache in my chest that feels like it will never, ever stop, and I will never not be alone...
What the hell is wrong with me?