"Bad mistakes... I've made a few."

[rockstarwarbler]

Who: rockstarwarbler and jewhawk
What: A friend is being awake when you can't find your drunken way home from gay bars
Where: Puck's place
When: Late at night, after leaving Kurt in the Scandels' parking lot
Episode: 3x05 "The First Time"
Rating: Probably beyond PG-13

Comments

[jewhawk]

Puck was freaking exhausted. Between trying to keep up with doing better in school, and the musical, and staying out of trouble, and seeing his daughter? Well, he was kind of wrecked most nights by now. In fact, he'd just switched off the TV (Mythbusters, as usual), and the lamp by his bed and rolled over when his phone rang.

He had personal ringtones for his closest friends, and Blaine's happened to be "You're My Best Friend" by Queen, so he didn't even have to check the screen to see who the caller was. Groaning, he answered the phone with a tired, "B... You okay?" His friend had mentioned in passing that they were going to a gay bar, and Puck's first thought had been that some dude had raped them or something crazy.

When the answer he received came out in a drunken yell, Puck held the phone away from his ear, and shook his head. Only Blaine. "Dude, seriously?" Puck asked, irritated, but also concerned. "Wait... What's not pee? What's around you? Look around, B."

A nervous concern washed over Puck, though he'd never admit it. "I'm gonna come try to find you, okay?"

[rockstarwarbler]

Blaine's giggling tapered off as he looked around as directed. Man, it was really starting to get cold, and the loss of Kurt's warm beside him was setting in and making him shiver. "Um," he began, "Well... s'fire hydrant, an' a street an' a blue car, an'... my shoe fell off. My shoe fell off!" He broke into another string of laughter, as if it was the funniest thing in the whole world. He swore it must have just jumped right off his foot because it was there just before. At least, he thought he was. Man, Kurt was going to kill him for being fashionably unbalanced. They already still had regular debates about the sock thing.

But then a flood of reality filtered back into his intoxicated brain and the laughing gave way to puppy eyes as he clutched the phone to his ear. "He hates'me! Hates'me an' imma giant douche! Puck... Puck? Imma douchebag. I'm worse than'a douchebag. M'like... like... a twatnozzle. An' he's gonna hate me forever!" he wailed, leaning against the fire hydrant and hugging his arm around it.

[jewhawk]

"B," Puck said patiently, shaking his head as he stared at the phone until Blaine's loud laughter calmed. "Dude, is there a street sign anywhere that might tell you what street you're on?"

It said a great deal for their friendship that, with the change in Blaine's tone? Puck could hear The Eyes without even seeing them. Oh, shit. What had Blaine done? "Dude, you're not a douchebag... And who's gonna... Nevermind... B, you gotta find a street sign, okay? Where were you the last time you remembered being somewhere familiar. I'm gonna come find you, but you gotta work with me here."

[rockstarwarbler]

Using the fire hydrant, Blaine pulled himself back up off the grass. His ass was as wet as hell from sitting on the dewy lawn, and he was cold, and Kurt wasn't there to cuddle him. Not to mention he was feeling dizzy and the sidewalk was tipping just a little to the left under his feet... at least, that's how it felt for him. "Do'I look like freakin' Google Maps?" he bitched, with a sneer, his mood volatile from all the booze Sebastian had been plying him with. He had no idea it wasn't the same beer he had been working through, but rather a new one every time he danced off to have a drink to refresh, and he was a known lightweight as it was.

"I jus' wanted t'have fun!" he whined, holding himself up someone's front fence as he clumsily felt his way up the sidewalk. "An' it was fun! An' so'awesome... sooooooo awesome. An' Kurt's there an' ohmygod, he's jus' so hot, Puck! He's h--" But he cut himself off when he crashed into a trash can on the sidewalk, and the clatter as he tipped into the gutter set all the dogs off in the street barking. "Oh crap! Dogsgonnaeatme! Washingshon Street!" he managed to add, tripping over the street name when his tongue didn't seem to have the ability to do anything but slur anymore.

[jewhawk]

"Stop being a bitch," Puck replied, shaking his head. "Kurt does a good enough job of that for both of you."

He waited rather impatiently as Blaine looked around for a street sign, nervous about the fact that Blaine was drunk and outside somewhere all by himself. "Dude, dogs aren't gonna eat you... Washington Street? Okay, stay right there. I'll be there in ten. Blaine, please don't fucking move, okay?"

Keeping Blaine on the phone, Puck pulled a hoodie on and headed out to his truck, firing it up and heading down the street maybe pushing the speed limit just a little.

[rockstarwarbler]

Finding a fence that was a brick wall small enough for him to sit on, Blaine flopped down onto it, shoulders slumping in defeat when a wave of intoxicated dizziness hit him. The fresh air wasn't really sobering it, but it seemed to want to start kicking the inevitable hangover in with a vengeance. He remembered how bad it had been after the disastrous Spin The Bottle party at Rachel's. He had spent over and hour praying to the porcelain god at Kurt's place, and then slunk out to go home after receiving embarrassing looks of disappointment from Burt. "Imma bitch... a real big bad one... I suck..." he slurred miserably and then rubbed at his eyes when they started to sting. If he wasn't such a jerk, he would be home with Kurt by now, maybe cuddling and making out in a nice way. Or, you know, vomiting and passing out on Kurt's shoulder, which Kurt would gracefully not talk about the next day.

"I've ruined everythin'!" he soon wailed pitifully. "H'hates me... I hate me... an' there was'even Cher! Cher!! I jus'... I didn't mean it... Puck, I didn't... y'gotta tell him that, 'kay? I love'im... like... t'Mars an' back, an' I didn't wanna be a douche, 'cause I love'im so mu-uch!" he got out with a helpless sob. "He'said I stink-- whoa... groun's spinnin'..." he added as an afterthought. "Y'SPIN ME RIGH' ROUN' BABY RIGH' ROUN' LIKE' RECORD an' somethin' somethin' something..."

[jewhawk]

Puck shook his head, trying like hell not to laugh at his friend. He was worried, but he was also ridiculousfuckingly amused. "Blaine, dude... you're not a bitch... What the fuck?" He was was hauling ass toward the road where Blaine was, paying no mind to the speed limit signs.

"What did you ruin?" Puck asked, still trying to figure out exactly what had gone down out of the random slurred ramblings of his BFF. "Dude, you are making no fucking sense at all... Remind me never to let you drink again. You want me to tell Kurt you didn't mean it? Didn't mean what? What did you actually do?" As soon as he asked that question, he had a horrifying mental image of Blaine bawling his eyes out in some poor unsuspecting person's front yard, and he stopped. "No, don't answer that right now. I'm almost there, okay?"

[rockstarwarbler]

By this point, Blaine had sprawled on his back on the brick fence, he was looking up at the stars swimming in his vision and he wasn't easily filtering anything Puck was actually saying to him. "I jus' wanted't have sex! Is tha'too much to ask?! I jus'... jus'... he'so beaut'ful. Isn't he? So'gorgeous an' hot. Soooooooooho--hn--" He hiccuped and cut himself off right before he was hit with a horrible twist of nausea in his gut when the world gave a particularly threatening spin around him (at least, so his brain thought).

He turned to the side and the pretty rose bush decorating the side of the fence in the poor person's front garden copped it as Blaine threw up spectacularly all over the bloom. He almost dropped his phone, but managed to keep an impressive hold on it as he lost control of his stomach. Lightweight? Yes. Yes, he was.

[jewhawk]

If Puck hadn't had one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding the phone, he would've facepalmed. "Dude... You tried to have sex with him, and he's sober and you're drunk? Oh, man... You're lucky if your dick's still attached. B... Please tell me your dick's still attached?"

And then Blaine was puking, just in time for Puck's headlights to outline the form of the barfing hobbit. Shaking his head, Puck pulled up close beside him and climbed out. "Come on, B... You're crashing at my place tonight, okay?"

[rockstarwarbler]

Blaine went to answer, but only to be hit with the second wave - literally wave - of puking to him him. He thankfully had a hold of the brick wall or he would have fallen head-first into the thorny, rosy mess of puke. It took a good few minutes to stop, and when he did, he groaned loudly and pulled himself up into a slouched sitting position on the wall. Being sick had sobered him a bit, though, and now the early-onset hand over was beginning to hit him with a vengeance.

"Never drinking beer again..." he moaned, hugging his arm around his stomach and swaying woozily. The other hand released the grip on the wall to grab his head, which was pounding now from the effort of chucking up all over the place and he realised in horror he had puked on the sleeve of his shirt. "I'm disgusting. He's going to break up with me. Oh god, I'm Lindsay Lohan," he whimpered.

[jewhawk]

Puck shook his head, reaching out to hook an arm around Blaine so he wouldn't stagger over. "No way, dude... You're way classier than Lohan... No house arrest anklet, so you win."

Still, he felt bad for Blaine. It sucked seeing his friend so upset... and barfing so much... especially right before getting in his truck. "Come on, dude. I got a Target bag... You need to use it if you need to barf, okay?"

[rockstarwarbler]

It was a bit hazy and spinny for Blaine, but he soon found himself shoved in the passenger's seat of Puck's truck, Puck leaning over him to clip his seatbelt on and a Target bag was shoved unceremoniously into his hands. Blaine's head lolled to the side against the window with a small whimper, but it was only a moment later that he was waving his hand in sort of a drunk conductor-like fashion and started to slurringly sing Walk Like an Egyptian through a few bursts of giggles.

But the singing stopped and his head dropped to the other side once Puck was sitting beside him. "Dude, I love ya'... I do... like... fuckin' loads," he offered with a nod before he hiccuped and actually dropped off to sleep for a couple of moments. He came-to again, though. "I'wanted 'im so bad, Puck! But... but no' in a bad way an' shit. Jus'... love 'im. Forever! I wanna marry 'im. I do... an' make love forever... in hots tubs..." He broke off into another giggle. "M'jus' a lil bit drunk!"

[jewhawk]

Puck thanked his lucky stars, and JewGod, and Grilled Cheesus, and just about any other deity he could think of, that Blaine was back to goofy and giggly drunk in a few minutes, and he even joined in Blaine's drunken rendition of "Walk Like an Egyptian."

"I love you, too, man," Puck replied easily, grinning at his friend. "Dude, you're drunk? Seriously? Cuz I totally couldn't tell... You're practically acting sober!" He snorted, rolling down his window to let some of the cool night air in. "Dude, I'm totally using this as blackmail one day," he added, bursting into laughter at his friend's antics.

[rockstarwarbler]

Blaine snorted wetly with very gay flick of his wrist. "Phffsht!" he scoffed dismissively. "Only had'like... one beer! Jus' one! M'not really all tha' drunk, y'know. Jus' a little bit-- bug on tha'window!" he suddenly declared and pushed his nose up against the passenger's side window to look at the 'bug' (which was actually just a leaf) right near his face.

"Hnngh... too fast... s'too fast..." he soon groaned at the scenery whipping by the window and he flopped back against the seat and shoved his face into the bag, feeling like he was going to barf again. "I'm so tellin' Kurt ya' shop at'Target." And then, as he started drumming a messy beat with his palm on Puck's truck seat, "QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU!"

[jewhawk]

Puck doubted very seriously that Blaine had only had one beer, though he wasn't sure how many beers it took to get a person Blaine's size trashed. He was grateful he didn't have a mouthful of liquid, or it would've been all over the windshield when Blaine saw the supposed "bug" on teh window.

"Dude, use the bag," Puck said, nervous that Blaine would blow chunks all over his truck. "Dude, now I'm gonna get a lecture about what 'those fabrics' do to your skin, and how it's more cost effective to invest in long-lasting garments now instead of replacing them multiple times.

Blaine had always had an ADHD streak, but apparently alcohol put said streak on steroids, and the next thing he knew, Puck was sitting at a stop sign, signing Queen to the top of his lungs with Blaine. "Dude, you're nuts," he said, shaking his head with a grin.

[rockstarwarbler]

Blaine had heard numerous times over the months they had been friends that the truck was sacred and no one was allowed to barf in it. When there was a food poisoning incident at the diner one night, Puck drove Kurt and Blaine home, and he spent most of the ride shrieking about divorcing them if they puked all over his beloved interior. The only bodily fluids allowed on those seats were the sort neither Kurt nor Blaine wanted to hear about at that point and it had sent the rest of the ride home into silence when they realised just how many times Puck had probably used his truck for those activities.

"Nuts!" At this, and apparently ten years old again, Blaine bursting into a round of giggle-snorts, to the point tears sprung to his eyes and were soon dripping down his cheeks he was laughing so hard. The alcohol he had consumed had really kicked in with a vengeance. He was such a light weight, it was embarrassing. The giggles died down though and then he was sitting there slumped to the side as his face fell. "MissKurt..." He turned to Puck and tugged on the sleeve of his shirt to make a Very Important Point. "I like Kurt's nuts," he revealed purposefully, carefully and slow enunciating every word. "Puck... Puck... I do... V'never, ever seen 'em, but love 'em. V'never even touched 'em!" he added and broke into another laugh, though this time is sounded more helpless and lost than anything.