(no subject)
always lost and found simultaneously.
nothing changes, really.
I had a long talk with my mom last week- a lot of possible solutions/truths to the outstanding issues i've been dealing with as of late. Warnings that have been lingering in my gut were brought back to a head. It felt good to be able to speak candidly, knowing that she wouldn't judge me all the while. And it felt even better to know that she can talk to me, too. I really value our relationship. Part parent-child, mostly friend-friend.
I've been hanging out with someone a decent amount lately, and i'm slowly coming to the realization that I can't/shouldn't put my trust flat out on the table as I usually do. I respect and fully understand his desire for real, raw human connection, but something feels wrong. I actually think we're a little too similar. I know he'd probably be hurt if he knew, and I know i'm no one to point fingers, but I kind of feel as though I can't make a move without some sort of discouraging response to the hangouts prior to these discussions. I want to feel close to this person, and I did. It seems i've hit some sort of wall, I feel like i'm always under some sort of microscope, even if he doesn't mean to make me feel such a way. Like I can't continue to get to know him because of it. Like I have nothing interesting to talk about. And I get one word responses frequently. He tells me I should be less apologetic. I've been working on that for some time now, but I can't get anywhere when I feel like i'm always doing something wrong. I'm trying, can't you see? The more I try, the harder I face plant. I wish I could figure this whole thing out. At least I can say it makes for an "interesting" journey. I'm just gonna take it day by day, for what it is. The more I stress, the less I display the real me to those around me. And that always makes things more complicated. I already have enough going on upstairs, fuck that.
I need to take a vacation. A real vacation. I wanted to go to Germany/Sweden this summer with Jamie, but it seems I just can't afford to right now. I guess i'll have to settle for something within the U.S. And that's okay, there's plenty of stomping ground in this country I suppose. I just wanna feel like i'm getting somewhere in some way.
nothing changes, really.
I had a long talk with my mom last week- a lot of possible solutions/truths to the outstanding issues i've been dealing with as of late. Warnings that have been lingering in my gut were brought back to a head. It felt good to be able to speak candidly, knowing that she wouldn't judge me all the while. And it felt even better to know that she can talk to me, too. I really value our relationship. Part parent-child, mostly friend-friend.
I've been hanging out with someone a decent amount lately, and i'm slowly coming to the realization that I can't/shouldn't put my trust flat out on the table as I usually do. I respect and fully understand his desire for real, raw human connection, but something feels wrong. I actually think we're a little too similar. I know he'd probably be hurt if he knew, and I know i'm no one to point fingers, but I kind of feel as though I can't make a move without some sort of discouraging response to the hangouts prior to these discussions. I want to feel close to this person, and I did. It seems i've hit some sort of wall, I feel like i'm always under some sort of microscope, even if he doesn't mean to make me feel such a way. Like I can't continue to get to know him because of it. Like I have nothing interesting to talk about. And I get one word responses frequently. He tells me I should be less apologetic. I've been working on that for some time now, but I can't get anywhere when I feel like i'm always doing something wrong. I'm trying, can't you see? The more I try, the harder I face plant. I wish I could figure this whole thing out. At least I can say it makes for an "interesting" journey. I'm just gonna take it day by day, for what it is. The more I stress, the less I display the real me to those around me. And that always makes things more complicated. I already have enough going on upstairs, fuck that.
I need to take a vacation. A real vacation. I wanted to go to Germany/Sweden this summer with Jamie, but it seems I just can't afford to right now. I guess i'll have to settle for something within the U.S. And that's okay, there's plenty of stomping ground in this country I suppose. I just wanna feel like i'm getting somewhere in some way.